Don’t let the door knob hit ya

It’s finally here - the end of 2020. I wish I could say I’m relieved - in some ways I am, since there are certain things that are *pretty much* guaranteed to be better in 2021; however, I know this is going to be a long, slow recovery out of the mire. Will we be better off by end of next year? God, I hope so.

There was nothing about this pandemic experience that was good, helpful, or inspiring. It was just something to be gotten through, and so far, we have. Knock wood on that. I’m glad other people have learned lessons and will make big changes going forward; I, on the other hand, just want this nightmarish bullshit to be over so I can have my life back as it was (except with an additional $200,000 in debt, yaaaaaay). 

But. I am profoundly grateful that we are, as of this moment at least, all healthy and alive. I’m grateful for the economic support I’ve been able to get so that we’ve been able to still live comfortably (even though, yes, horrific debt). I’m grateful the kids are happy and thriving and their schooling, while a pain in the ass, is actually bearable unlike last spring. I’m grateful my relationship has survived - and, indeed, thrived - under these circumstances. I hope going forward having the BF around more becomes a regular thing. That’s the only thing I would change about our old life. 

The last few days as I’ve seen a) this new, more highly contagious strain of COVID invade our shores, and b) the vaccine rollout fall woefully short of plans, it’s made me a lot less optimistic about running an event in 2021. Honestly...the thought of trying to put on an event as the pandemic is still not contained completely, fills me with dread. I don’t want to do it. The idea of demanding everyone has been fully vaccinated before entry, having to still limit attendance and force mask wearing for the entirety of the event (which is probably the only way to hold an event next year) sounds so perfectly horrible that I’d rather just skip it. Just skip it and wait until we can have an event the way we want it, normal. There’s a good chance ordinary folks like us won’t get our second dose of the vaccine until well into the summer. How, exactly, am I going to plan a huge international event in just a month or two...? So this has been on my mind. As much as it will hurt financially and as much as I worry about people forgetting about us...I worry more about putting on a sub-par, break-even and possibly dangerous event that’s just going to stress me out. No - instead I’d rather open registration for 2022 on what would have been my 2021 weekend, *maybe* throw together a very abbreviated virtual event of one day or maybe not do anything at all, and leave everything to settle for a full year so we can come back strong and safe. That’s my thought at the moment. I’m sure in another five minutes I’ll change my mind again.

Most importantly first thing next year is we get rid of Trump. And if we win the Senate next week, even better. My children are bound to return to school at some point next year, especially if school staff can get vaccinated soon which it sounds like they will. I’m still holding out for a post-spring break return.

Speaking of spring break, I have painstakingly orchestrated a week-long desert extravaganza for us, starting with two nights in yurts near Julian (apples, mines, gold rush CA stuff), then three nights in cabins at a campground in Anza Borrego state park (dunes, slot canyons, hikes, desert bloom), and finally two nights in Desert Hot Springs in cabins at a cheap resort where I’m hoping we can soak in mineral waters at night (from here we’ll visit Salton Sea’s Bombay Beach for real desert decay and general weirdness). I’m inordinately excited about it. Three months can’t come soon enough. And my boys will be seven and nine then. Crazy.

So here’s to kicking 2020 out with the trash along with Trump and the first miserable year of the COVID nightmare. I don’t expect 2021 to be a good year but I do expect it to be better. Please.

In other news, Theo lost his first tooth, and today I’m trying out THC balm for my awful unrelenting arm pain and I *think* it might be working. 

Happy New Year, everyone!

A very pandemic Christmas

We Christmassed. Christmas Eve we did our usual drive through Hastings Ranch to look at lights (sans friends this time), then brought home Chinese food. Earlier in the day I drove all over town dropping off home made candy on friends’ porches, then I made gingerbread men and prepped overnight cinnamon rolls, we got the kids to bed, put out the presents, and collapsed.

The next day was the usual orgy of trash and batteries and help needed setting things up - but I have to say, I’m pretty proud of these kids; maybe it’s the posting of the Christmas rules every year, but they are always very well behaved; they appreciate even the non-fun presents, share nicely, and there’s no meltdowns or whining or fighting. Some friends shared horror stories of their kids’ behavior. I get it - our kids don’t always act the way we want, especially around high stress occasions like holidays or birthdays. But I think there’s something to be said for plainly laying out expectations and making sure they’re understood. Either that or my kids have just finally reached the age where they have better self control. Who knows. At any rate, it was a pleasant enough day (I collapsed in bed for a nap at one point though - my shoulder pain woke me up at 5 AM, and I was way over stimulated). We did the thing. The holiday trifecta has been survived, and under pandemic rules, too. 

And so...now what? Week one of the three week winter break is over. I’m going to get a jump on my taxes next week, while trying to keep these kids entertained all day. Then we kick 2020 to the curb and hold the collective prayer that 2021 treats us better. 

All of us dance organizers are looking at each other wondering if we’ll be able to operate this year, and if so, what it will be like. When will we get vaccinated? When will the kids return to school? The possible new COVID relief bill brings promise of new small business help...as long as fucking Trump doesn’t sabotage the whole thing, which looks likely at the moment. God. Only 25 more days under the iron grip of this asshole. I am literally counting the seconds. 

Breakin’ the law, breakin’ the law

So for the past four days we have been off grid at a crazy hippie compound in Joshua Tree. It was one of the first places I put on my “saved” list, and we tried to stay there in Sept but it was double booked. Now was our time. I had some misgivings due to it being dead of winter and with the current state of the pandemic, but it turned out amazing and I’m so glad we went. These monthly getaways are such a lifeline for me. I don’t know how I would have gotten through the last year without them.

Our lodging was a tiny two room fantasy house on top of a boulder. It was the hippiest place I have ever been.

There was a small propane heater for the cold nights, a port-a-potty around the corner, and we did our minimal cooking outside. 

The place itself was a vast sprawling hippie paradise, with random camping spots, trailers, and structures. We spent one day rock scrambling at the National park, but honestly we could have spent all our time just exploring the grounds. 

There was a big open area where a large group had gathered to do yoga and various winter solstice activities. Last night was also the night of the Saturn and Jupiter convergence, which we stayed late at the park to observe and which I think also drew visitors to the hippie compound. We of course stayed far away from everyone, which wasn’t hard to do. 

The boys never tire of rock scrambling, which makes me so glad - it proves that they can, in fact, be entertained by something other than Minecraft and inane gamer videos.

With my arm in the state it’s in, I have to sit out most of the more athletic activities, and all week I had to be extremely careful and mindful of every single movement, from how to pick up a pan to how to navigate the treacherous stairs up to our Boulder house (I tripped once, and just the act of putting out my hand to stop myself from falling put me into a spasm of miserable pain for many minutes - things like this happen multiple times a day). It’s very mentally and emotionally draining to have to live like this, and it really puts a damper on everything. It occurred to me that when summer comes I probably won’t be able to swim. But then I think, by the time summer comes so many other things will have happened - Biden inaugurated, a vaccine, kids back in school, an answer on whether I can run my business or not - things will be so different by then I probably won’t even recognize myself, frozen arm or not. 

At any rate we had a great time, I loved the wind and the cold and the silence, and the BF and I were both reluctant to leave. Now if I can just talk some hippie-tolerant friends into joining us there in a few months when it’s warmer and hopefully we’ve all been vaccinated...

Done with school

And now we’re done with school. I’m proud of the boys with how well they handled this week. There’s definitely part of me that thinks my particular kids are more suited to at home school than actual school - the shorter hours, frequent breaks and constant access to video games and gamer videos seems to suit them. Part of me is not looking forward to the return to school and what an upheaval that will be - the getting up earlier and hustling out of the house, the social complications, the needing to be more on top of work/supplies/cleanliness etc. The way things are going, though, it’s going to be a long-ass time before that starts happening. Maybe after spring break if we’re lucky. 

The Los Angeles coronavirus numbers are positively hideous. After watching Italy and New York in horror this spring...now, it’s us. LA is the world epicenter for COVID at the moment, with no sign of letting up. Indeed, with Christmas just a week away, I don’t see our numbers dropping until well into February. Our ICUs currently are at zero capacity, which has made us all afraid to drive or do anything physically risky. It’s all horrifying. It’s so much worse than back in March, and yet we were way more scared and cautious then. At least now we have more information - we know how it spreads and what activities are safe and which aren’t (although honestly nothing seems safe at the moment), and the first vaccines are being administered to health care workers as we speak, with the general public to follow in maybe two to three months...? There is a light at the end of the tunnel for sure. It’s just that the tunnel at the moment is very, very dark.

In the midst of all this horror we have, in fact, decided to go to Joshua Tree tomorrow. I have mixed feelings even though I know the logic is correct - we won’t be in contact with any other humans, so what’s the harm? Still, it’s nerve wracking. This could be a fun getaway or it could be the worst decision of my life. Everything is at that level right now. So we will be off grid in a crazy hippie compound sleeping in a fabricated Boulder house for three nights. We might freeze our asses off and come home on day 2. It’s going to be very cold and there’s no electricity. Am I crazy? Don’t answer that. 

I am going to hide this trip from everyone because I know I’ll be judged for it and I understand that. I, too, am silently judging friends who post about visiting family, getting on airplanes, meeting with friends indoors. I don’t know their circumstances. Maybe they’ve all been rigorously testing. Maybe somebody is profoundly depressed and lonely and the risk of them being left alone at the holidays is worse than the minor risk of catching something while traveling. If our trip involved campgrounds, shared facilities, hotel rooms or airplanes I wouldn’t do it. I’m only going because I know we’ll be alone. But still. I know every step outside this house is a risk of turning our happy family into a horrible preventable tragedy, and that fills me with terror. God, that vaccine can’t come fucking fast enough.

In other news I risked infection this week to go see a Kaiser physical therapist about my arm, and Lo and behold, I have something called “frozen shoulder” that apparently is very common among women my age, has no cause and no cure. And can take 1-2 years to resolve. And there’s really nothing I can do to help myself or speed healing. I can get a shot if the pain is unbearable, but apparently many people get zero relief from it, so I’m reluctant. I’m glad “do nothing” is the answer, rather than “submit yourself to hours of agonizing exercises every day or risk losing use of your arm permanently” which is what I was afraid of. The thought of enduring this misery - having maybe 20% function of my left arm, with many agonizing episodes per day - for up to another year or two positively fills me with despair. I’ve had this since March - maybe I’ll be lucky and it’ll resolve by March again; maybe it’s only just now morphing into “frozen shoulder” and I have a year or two more to go. It’s awful. Just another fucking awesome thing to visit me in 2020. Ugh. 

One more week of home school this year

It’s Friday and time to celebrate another week of survival. Survival of COVID, survival of distance learning. Three people in my FB feed posted about losing parents or grandparents today to the virus. There will be a lot more of this in the coming months. It’s like Jonestown in slow motion. 

I burst into tears in the car. It’s all too much. 

Now, Chinese takeout and a family soak in the hot tub, because why not. Grateful for every thing and every one we have, right now. 

We are down to one week left of school in 2020. On their last day of school in March - March 13th, Theo’s birthday - I turned to the boys in the car as I dropped them off and said, “ok boys, this may be your last day of school for a really long time - be sure to be nice to your teachers today, ok?” Even then I never would have imagined we would close out the entire year STILL not in school. And with no plans to go back. My kids will likely never see a school room for their 1st and 3rd grade years. Possibly even the start of their 2nd and 4th grade years. It’s nuts. 

They are a bit antsy but doing ok on this penultimate week. I am dreading the three week break - but then I have to remind myself, it won’t be that much different from the summer, only that with the complete shut down I won’t be able too see any friends, there will be no pool days, and I won’t be working on an event. But at least I won’t be dragging kids through schoolwork. I’m worried about my own boredom, but maybe now’s the time to start some projects, like taxes, foreign languages, books, etc. 

Hanging in the balance is our Joshua Tree trip next Saturday. The contact person for the hippie compound we’re staying on has not canceled us, and a quick check of their other structures confirms that we will be completely alone there. We’ll only be visiting the national park, which should be ideal for social distancing. I know that we will be safe there as we’ll have virtually no contact with people the whole four days. However, we would be defying our state mandate to not leave home. I’m a rule follower and it bothers me to consider this. But. I’m going to give myself a few more days to contemplate. I’m loath to give up the one thing I have to look forward to other than a vaccine in six months’ time. 

Our school offered a “gifted child” zoom a few nights ago; I attended hoping it would shed some light on testing vis a vis middle schools; it ended up not being that at all, but was still really interesting. It ended up being a “how do I deal with my high energy, unfocused child” support group of sorts. I had always assumed “gifted” meant extra smart and excellent grades - it actually sounds more to me like children on the spectrum (mild) with some ADHD tendencies and sensory issues, some of which Bobby exhibits, some which he doesn’t. I’m pretty confident that if tested he would qualify as gifted, which would inform his entire school career going forward. It’s pretty fascinating to think of how much is done to support kids with different brain function these days, and how much people in my generation were left to fend for ourselves with our OCD/sensory/ADD issues. We truly are the lost generation - kids in school in the 70s and 80s. Kids can’t be depressed! That obsessive behavior is just a bad habit, just knock it off! If you’re failing school you get kicked out of the house (the BF). But our music kicked today’s music’s ass so that’s something...?

My hope is Bobby can finally take the 2nd grade OLSAT which he missed by a few days in March when school does return so we can see if he’s considered “gifted” or not. I’m genuinely curious. 

Christmassing

We finally Christmassed yesterday. The BF went to Home Depot alone to get the tree then spent the rest of the day hanging our lights on the house. I decorated and made our belated Thanksgiving dinner - apple pie, stuffing, mashed potatoes, peas, gravy, and oversaw everyone else’s ham and turkey while I had a sad little soy patty for my protein. Ah, the life of a vegetarian at the holidays. Oh, and the stuffing mix the BF brought had chicken in it. FML.

All in all, though, it was a great day. The boys were delighted by all the Christmas stuff, and Bobby insisted on wearing a Santa hat at zoom school today. I’m so glad they’ll have fond memories of this time despite it all.

Los Angeles has returned to extreme lockdown. Too bad I missed my hair appointment the week before Thanksgiving because it’ll probably be months again before I can get in there. I also missed my last chance to see a friend for outdoor lunch. I’m glad were able to take our Death Valley trip - apparently all campgrounds have been closed. It’s all a huge bummer. And the numbers in California are absolutely atrocious - way worse than summer. Oh, it’s going to be an awful few months. How will we all get through this?

Every day I worry about what will happen if one of us - probably the BF, since he’s the one who leaves the house - gets infected. How on earth would we quarantine him in this tiny house? Would we all just say “fuck it” and assume we’ll all catch it and hope we don’t have a hard time of it? What if someone has to be hospitalized? What if someone dies? What if the adults are too sick to care for the children, for days or weeks on end? It’s absolutely horrifying. I don’t even know what we’d do. How can you plan for that? You can’t. You just tell yourself “just don’t let that happen”. But really...within days or weeks our happy, safe family could turn into a horrible tragedy. I always think of those soldiers who have been in combat for years, unscathed, then get killed in the last few days of the war. These are the last days. We just have to grit our teeth and pray we survive.

December

It’s December, and the final of our holiday trifecta. I’m not feeling the holiday spirit yet - it’s hard with no parties or seeing family or reasons to get dressed up - but I’m going to try to muster up some semblance of something over the next few weeks.

Yesterday I spent way too long designing this year’s Christmas card and picture block ornament. So that’s done. We decorate this weekend (and I will finally take down my RESIST mantelpiece display). I am going to attempt to make a wreath using these holly-esque branches from a tree in our yard; I figure every year the least I can do is attempt one new craft project. I’ve never made a wreath before. I bought a frame on amazon and I’m just going to wing it. How hard can it be? Right? 

The boys are in this funny information bubble where, unlike us at their age, they are not inundated with endless toy commercials all day, so they have no idea what they want for Christmas. I’m sure online video game purchases and Robux or whatever the fuck would be what they really want, but where’s the fun in that? Bobby once intimated he wanted a lava lamp. Beyond that...I got nothin.

As always happens when I get home from a trip, I spent yesterday frantically trying to set up our next trip, specifically to replace our canceled Hawaii trip for January. But there’s one unfortunate reality, even here in California - other than renting a cabin, there’s really no way to camp for about six months out of the year. I was hoping to maybe go to Zion and/or Navajo land, but the fact is it’s just going to be too damned cold until about May. Sigh. We have Joshua Tree in two weeks, and a weekend in Lake Arrowhead in mid-Jan. But still...I’m in despair at the thought of a long, monotonous winter with nowhere to go and nothing to do, and nothing but climbing coronavirus cases and misery until spring. We had a “returning to campus” zoom with our principal on Monday; the word is, basically, there will be no return to school any time soon. I’m thinking April or May. That’s my prediction. 

Still, I have to admit I’m bolstered by the promise of a Biden/Harris administration and coming vaccines. Could we have a normal life by fall? Will enough people get vaccinated? Can my kids start second and fourth grade normally? Can I run my event and have an income again? Will my band perform again? God I hope I can look back on this terrible moment a year from now and breathe a sigh of relief knowing it’s over. That’s my wish for 2021.

Thanksgiving desert camping week

Late last night we returned from our week-long adventure to Death Valley (with a stop for a night at Calico Ghost Town and another night at the Mojave desert). To say I’m exhausted would be an understatement. After spending much of the day unpacking and organizing and doing laundry, I collapsed in bed and napped for hours. But I would say that despite how fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants the trip was (non-reservable campsites, no internet for most of it so we had to old-school it with paper maps), it was pretty magical, and I’m missing it already.

The desert is so quiet you can hear the blood sing in your ears, and the vastness of it is almost incomprehensible. The moments I had outdoors were definitely the best. The moments trapped in the RV - and there were many, since the nights were long and cold and we drove over 1300 miles during the day - were not my favorite. It was like our at home pandemic experience but condensed to an infinitely smaller space - with not a square inch to escape to - and constant concerns about having enough water, propane, gas, and when and how to empty the tanks. I had hoped we would only have to make one or two stops for fresh water and tank dumping - but we ended up having to make stops nearly every day. We had one mad dash all the way to Nevada to refill the propane tank, which would have been a real drag except that I had wanted to head that way to see the Rhyolite ghost town anyway. 

The cold and dark were a real problem - most of our campgrounds were at high elevations and dropped into the 30s at night with gusting winds; except for our final night at Mesquite Spring campground, we never had any time hanging out outdoors in the evenings, so no campfires, no s’mores, just the four of us packed into a tiny space. Also, the sun setting by 4:30 each day meant we were always scrambling to our next campsite in the dark - sometimes along treacherous mountainous roads, not really knowing where we were going or what we would find when we got there (only once, on Thanksgiving, did we drive 30 miles only to find our campground full and have to drive 30 miles back to a depressing parking lot campground in town, which ruined my Thanksgiving meal plans. Oh well. Nobody missed it). 

I’m glad the BF and I have a similar tolerance for adventure/danger. There were many white-knuckle moments on rough roads up steep inclines. There were several times I said “I don’t feel so great about this...” only to have it turn out ok after all.

And the boys? They loved the sand dunes and rock scrambling the most; I felt bad they didn’t get out to run around as much as I would have liked. They were definitely stir crazy in our tiny vehicle and I often had to tell them to stop screaming, stop jumping on things, settle down, etc. That part sucked. But hopefully we built some happy memories. Our epic Uno games - which Theo mostly won - were terrific.

For me, one huge problem was my constantly hurting left arm/shoulder, which made everything painful and difficult. Not only does it hurt most of the time anyway, but a new horrible dynamic developed during this trip, which was that due to the intense dryness and synthetic fabrics on everything, I was constantly getting huge, painful electric shocks, which under normal circumstances would be just annoying, but in this case would also cause me to pull my hand away abruptly which would then start a chain of events in my arm that would leave me breathless with agonizing pain for about ten minutes. And this would happen several times a day. It was torture. I’m going to have to figure out something about this shoulder pain. It’s gone from a slight annoyance to a debilitating misery. 

Would I do something like this again? Probably, although I have to admit camping during late fall/winter isn’t so great because it’s just too damned cold (to be fair, to see extreme deserts like this you pretty much can only go now or in early spring). 

There were so many highlights to this trip, but here are some of my favorites: 

Final week before TG

Feeling a bit better after last week’s rant. New vaccine news has even the worst “nothing will ever be normal again!” cynics feeling somewhat hopeful. I’m still concerned about the timing of everything as far as my event in September. I wish I had more time. I suppose moving the event dates isn’t entirely out of the question, but I’d be hard pressed to find another weekend that isn’t currently occupied. I’d be more concerned about vaccine roll-out issues if we were stuck with Trump for four more years; knowing we’ll have competent leadership come January makes me feel more at ease that we’ll finally beat this monster in 2021. 

Did both boys’ online parent-teacher conferences today; both boys got glowing reports. Yay! They are apparently “right on track” and both boys are reading at above grade level. So thankful they’re doing so well under these crazy circumstances.

A friend who wanted to support her local small businesses found out her favorite cheese shop was offering a monthly cheese club and joined it; over the weekend I joined one, too, under the guise of “I need shit to look forward to”. I also have started collecting materials so that I can make my own dill pickles in a 19th century crock, also sauerkraut, and also make kefir (my hairdresser says she’ll give me some grains to get started when I see her on Weds). I’m fascinated by fermentation. When I get back from my trip I’m going to order a crock, weights, a sauerkraut pounder and milk bottles for my daily kefir. Hippie bullshit, here we go! 

Yesterday I finally got a break from the kids and enjoyed a few precious hours alone at home binge watching the new season of The Crown, which in all its brooding melancholy fed my Northern European soul. Now I plot out our Death Valley trip and meal plan for it while the kids have half days due to the conference week. Not bad, not bad at all.

Also? I got my period unexpectedly a full week early, which has never happened to me in my life before. I was waiting for the moment my periods would become unpredictable; it’s entirely possible that at 48 1/2 I am starting perimenopause at last. I only just finished the last one over Halloween weekend. Still, I’m hoping this means I’ll be spared having it for the entirety of our Death Valley trip, which would not have been convenient. 

...and now, back to Coronavirus

I’m delighted to say that no civil war has broken out since the official announcement of Joe Biden’s election on Saturday. Other than Trump throwing around lawsuits like wet noodles and behaving menacingly behind the scenes, everything else appears to be moving along nicely. This is pretty much what I expected - a whole lot of hot air for the next two months. 

Coronavirus, however, has come back with a vengeance. Again, much like the red mirage of election night, it was expected, and yet I still hoped California would be spared. We aren’t. I’m selfishly concerned about our Thanksgiving plans - what if we can’t leave our houses? What if I have to cancel our RV reservation and am out $1000 with no recourse? Kauai is having a new case here and there and is considering re-instating their 14 day quarantine, so our January trip is in jeopardy also. I’m going to wait with bated breath to see what our governor decides before we leave next Saturday. Ugh.

In other news, a vaccine is looking very promising. However...will it be widely used enough by this spring so that I can have an event in September? It’s soooo tight. I’m afraid this year is going to be a real nail biter with regards to when and if I can function. Sigh. 

It’s been rough dragging the kids through their schoolwork all week. Bobby’s chrome book camera is terrible, so the photos of his homework are so blurry the teacher can’t read them. I had been taking pictures on my phone and emailing them to her...but she says she really needs them in the system and not emailed, so I’m going up to the school to exchange chrome books tomorrow...however I have no way of knowing if the next chrome book will just magically have a better camera and I won’t know until I’ve surrendered the old chrome book that’s all set up with all his sign-ins and passwords...ugh. I may just pass on the whole thing and use Theo’s school iPad instead. 

Every day I must say “stop screwing around”, “do your work” and “just get through this so you can have fun” about 5,000 times. It’s like herding kittens. They are hopelessly addicted to these inane gamer videos and take any excuse to sneak off and watch them unless I stay on them every second. I’m starting to really resent the amount of teaching and schoolwork I’m responsible for. I know it can’t be any other way - the kids can’t be expected to spend one minute more on zoom than they already are - but god I’m so sick of it all. Our day starts at 8 AM and doesn’t end until 3 or 4 - and it’s constant. I am interrupted every five minutes having to cook lunch or clean or find a working pen or a blank sheet of paper or constantly make sure they aren’t distracting each other...and then one is off school and has to do all his “asynchronous” work, which of course requires my complete involvement; then the other is off school and has to do his work, which usually involves my complete involvement, too, and then they both have to be timed to do their nightly reading, which also involves a lot of whining and complaining and my having to search their disaster of a room to find a book they haven’t read yet and don’t object to. By the time all of this is over and I’ve cleaned up the house that looks like a hurricane hit it, gathered up all their school supplies and put their devices on charge for the next day, the sun is already setting, and I retreat to my room to watch some tv and nap. By five o’clock I’m completely wiped out. It’s exhausting and emotionally draining. And yet we still have probably at least six more months of this. I can’t. 

Did I mention the pain I’ve had in my shoulder since March has now spread to my back, neck and arm, and I am in pretty much constant pain and can barely use my arm at all? Good times. 

We won

And this is how it went. Glued to CNN starting around 4 PM Tuesday, full of anxiety but hopeful for a quick landslide and a repudiation of Trumpism. This did not happen.

As we disgustedly watched state after state fall to red - Florida smarting particularly badly - we were angry and sullen. I couldn’t believe it was happening again. Trump. Re-elected. And losing the Senate and many House seats as well. Fucking asshole Mitch McConnell re-elected. That’s it, I thought. We are beyond redemption, I thought. The BF and I went to bed defeated and angry. We’re never going to flip those rust belt states - WI, MI and PA. It’s not going to happen. We’re finished.

And then. As if it were Christmas morning, we woke up Wednesday to news that Wisconsin had flipped blue and Michigan might be next; Trump’s lead in GA and PA slimming; Biden victory in AZ and NV a distinct possibility. They told us about the red mirage; I’ve been preparing for this phenomenon for weeks, and yet, even I was fooled. Hope was alive.

It was a stressful week of constantly watching The Map Show while wishing the kids could just conveniently disappear until a winner was announced. I barely pushed them through their schoolwork, violin practicing and meals while obsessively sharing memes and memorizing Pennsylvanian counties and which percentage of them were fully reported. I was terrified of missing the moment the election was called - afraid to take a shower or cook a meal or go on a walk.

Then, finally, yesterday morning. I did miss the moment, but caught it right after as the news spread among the networks. I was still in bed and the BF came in to get me just as my resistbot texted me the news. I sat in front of the TV in my pajamas and sobbed. Sobbed like a baby. We did it. We did it. He’s done.

Unfortunately we then all had to hustle out of the house because the cleaning lady was coming and I had to spend the entire day cut off from everything recording a new album for our band in a Hollywood studio. So I missed all of the celebrations and news for the whole day, which irks me to no end. But really, nothing matters right now. He’s done. 

When I got home we all gathered on the couch and held each other during Biden and Harris’ speeches and cried. God, humans again! People with empathy! And a woman, a woman of color, in the White House! People who will represent what this country actually is - a diverse place, not just a place for straight white men. The relief is palpable. And the senate is still winnable - and even if it isn’t, I’m not too worried. With the Trump menace gone and Biden’s centrism and willingness to reach across the aisle, I don’t think we’re going to be as obstructed as we have been. 

Biden was the right candidate. Older black voters knew this in the primaries; all black voters made our win possible now. We owe them a huge debt. Am I pissed it wasn’t more of a landslide, and that MORE people voted Trump now than 2016? Of course. It’s going to be a tough few years dealing with half this country convinced the election was stolen. But our systems, as much as Trump tried to dismantle them, still worked. Voting was smooth and scandal-free, no violence (although plenty threatened), and the next two months could be really hellish. Then no doubt Biden will disappoint and frustrate us progressive types. But none of that matters right now. We got rid of Trump!!! Hallelujah!

Here is Theo doing his online PE in front of The Map Show (ie CNN). What a time, huh? 

Covidween

We had our Halloween camping trip. It was a pleasant escape from our current frightening reality. We did an egg hunt for candy around the campsite, and well meaning neighboring campers brought by grab bags which made us cringe with infection fears. As we were leaving we thought we had scored an awesome giant tent that was left behind for hours on an empty campsite - only to have the owners come roaring in as we were packing it up; apparently they’d left this one thing to pack up and went fishing. Thankfully they were good sports about it and we apologized profusely. I always wonder how these situations would play out were we not white. I’m going to guess not so great. 

We came home to our corner grocery store boarded up in anticipation of Election Day violence, a sober reminder of what an absolute mess our country is right now, and how truly scary the next few months are going to be. I’ve never seen anything like it. None of us have, unless you’ve been through a war. 

And here we are, tomorrow is the big day - although whether we’ll have any inkling of the winner is as of yet unknown. I have faith we’ll make it. But as with all things I could be wrong. Still, I’ve had so much anticipatory anxiety about this that I’m pretty much worn out. The well is dry. Whatever happens, happens. I voted ages ago; I did my part. Now, we wait. While still trying to get two kids through school and keeping a household running. It’s not easy. Grateful for the distraction, though, to be honest. 

Photos from the edge

We did our family photos this weekend. From the look of us, you would never guess what torments the last eight months have brought...nor those that await us. Much like the last weeks of pregnancy serving to hone the mind to a single purpose, this last week before the election can bring only one thought. What’s going to happen? I figure it can go one of three ways:

Best case scenario - Biden wins in a landslide. Trump attempts to second guess certain swing states; attempts go nowhere. He continues to embarrass himself, us, Barron, and our nation all whilst causing as much destruction and chaos as possible until Jan 20. Mass celebrations; hilarity ensues.

Worst case scenario (unlikely) - Trump wins in a landslide. Racists celebrate; progressives contemplate leaving the country or becoming Unibomber-style hermits. Nation and world continue downward spiral into fascism and chaos until wars, pandemics and global warming end human life on this planet. Animals celebrate. 

Also worst case scenario (sadly, most likely) - Biden wins by a whisper; swing states where Biden won challenged by Trump; corrupt electorates throw out popular vote and give it to Trump because everyone knows Democrats are all pedophiles. Tit for tat goes on for months. Mass protests and violence mar winter. Hundreds of thousands more die of coronavirus. We all have to find a way to not kill ourselves at the prospect of four more years under this fool.

But hey, don’t we look happy?!? WE ARE HAPPY AND EVERYTHING IS AWESOME 

Spider-Man and Theopocalypse

Today I took pictures of the boys in their hastily bought Costco Halloween costumes for their school’s sad “virtual Halloween parade”. And thus begins the suckage that is the 2020 holiday season, no doubt to be pockmarked with election anxiety and unrest, poverty, and death. Yay.

Last night the school held its annual middle school fair, this time of course virtual, which means for the first time I was able to attend. The business of applying to middle school is very complicated...and since these applications must be in in two weeks and whatever you get you have to take it or risk losing all your points and starting over...honestly, I think I’m going to wait until next year, this year’s points be damned. I’d much prefer to tour some schools before applying, and there’s also the business that since schools closed in March just days before Bobby would have been tested to see if he was “gifted” or not and one of the schools I’m interested in only takes gifted kids, it’s better to wait. That school in question is Eagle Rock jr/sr High, which is very appealing to me since it would run from 6th-12th grade so the boys could be together for a long time. But there are tons of good options. Most likely Bobby will just go to our local middle school, Luther Burbank, which put on a decent presentation and Bobby likes best anyway. 

It felt weird to think about things that are three years away. It almost made me feel like we have a future, you know? I’m glad at least other people are acting like we do. 

After much anxiety, my unemployment debit card arrived, and after hours of messing around with apps and passwords and confirmation codes and PIN numbers, I’m glad to say that my first unemployment payment is on its way to my actual bank account. There’s a sigh of relief. It also occurred to me that, with the good potential for zero income next year, I need to get us all back on MediCal. Even if I’m only on it for six months, that’s thousands of dollars in savings. It’s worth the hassle. I mean, who knows when I’m going to be solvent again? It could be years. MediCal is precisely designed for people in my predicament. I’ll apply when open enrollment starts in two weeks. 

Saturday we go to the dealer to buy my car now that my lease is up. I’m dreading the crappy deal I’m going to be stuck with - probably a couple thousand out of my pocket and a higher payment just for the privilege of continuing to drive the car I’ve been driving for three years. I could just turn it in and not have a car and save some money...but with the BF gone for long stretches now, I’m not too keen on being trapped at home with two kids and no car. Things aren’t quite that dire yet. Also, his car is constantly on the verge of collapse. We need at least one car that’s in excellent shape. 

Tomorrow is our final presidential debate. I hope Trump embarrasses himself again, Biden stays on message, and we can all exhale a little bit because we’ll never have to be tortured by the orange menace for an hour or two on tv ever again. 

Two weeks and then some

I watched the dueling presidential debates last night. Thankfully on my particular set up they ran one after the other so I didn’t have to miss one. Biden came across as a reasonable, caring man who has lots of great plans for this country. Trump was his usual blustering idiot who lied a lot while some fool endlessly nodded behind him. His moderator did an excellent job of not letting him get away with shit. I wanted to punch each and every one of these “undecided voters” in the face. And so it goes.

This week went a bit better than last. The BF had a talk with Bobby when I wasn’t there that he needs to get his act together, so his behavior was way better. It’s funny how enjoyable parenting can be if kids just fucking do what they’re asked, isn’t it? Jeezis.

The BF was offered that shitty low-paying job and I told him in not exactly these words that him taking this job would ruin my life, and he agreed. He knows these jobs aren’t practical; I think he just feels pressure to take on something “stable” even if it’s crap. But the hours away from home undercuts any stability, in my mind. I’m hoping he won’t keep interviewing - it’s a waste of time. He just can’t be out of the house 10-12 hours every day and run tickets all weekend at his other job for barely more money than he’s making on unemployment. It’s stupid.

Speaking of unemployment, I’m in this weird holding pattern where I’m obviously approved, am all set up online and have even certified for my first two weeks, but am missing some crucial paperwork that got lost in the mail (we’ve been missing tons of important mail in the last couple of months - my property tax bill, my water and electric bills, and now two letters from unemployment, all of which I saw in my “informed delivery” emails as coming that day but never showed up; my neighbor is having similar issues). I’m not sure what those two letters were - I assumed one was my unemployment debit card which is how I get paid, but then I called the bank and the recording said my card was just ordered on the 13th and mailed yesterday. So...? I’m still missing an account number. It’s all very confusing and stressful. I’ve tried to call unemployment to see if they can re-send whatever they sent me, but I keep getting hung up on, and it may not even be anything of any importance, being as my online account is all set up. Thankfully I’m not dependent on this money to show up right this second. I’d be so screwed if I were. 

I got a bit rattled this week by a story of a swing dance event in SC (full of Trump supporters and only tangential to our scene) in September that defied common sense and went ahead anyway, so far infecting over 90 people and killing four. As you can imagine, the outrage is erupting all over. Then a discussion in our dance organizers group got pretty dark - in discussing plans for 2021, we all agreed any event before the summer probably shouldn’t go ahead...and one woman posited it’s time for us all to find new careers, that dance events aren’t coming back, ever. Oh, you can just imagine what a funk I was in after reading that!! I mean, it’s just an opinion and she’s no epidemiologist, but still...to hear someone voice your worst fears as a fact is truly jarring. What if Covid is with us pretty much forever, with our lives going on like this for years, decades...in which kids go back to school until numbers become untenable and then are stuck at home for months again, all concert venues and movie theaters and broadway shows close permanently, the travel and entertainment industry pretty much dead, forever? I mean it’s a crazy thought, but...everything that’s happening is crazy. We never thought an idiot like Trump could end up as President, we never thought it would be October and kids would still be out of school, I never thought I’d have to cancel one, possibly two events in a row...all of these things are my worst nightmare and yet we’re living it every day. The idea of endless superbugs ruining our lives and completely changing everything we do as humans forever does not sound that out of the realm of possibility at the moment. 

But, maybe not. Maybe I can have an event next year with daily quick testing each morning. Maybe even if I have to cancel again I can have another virtual event to keep things going until 2022, and everything will come roaring back, and we’ll be fine (except for mountains of debt, but that’s another story). Biden is so close to being our president and everything will get better just having a rational, competent leader who believes in science once more. Everything is so close, and yet so far, from being good again. 

I signed Theo up for a free virtual dance class and ukelele class offered through his school. I’m excited to get him into an instrument finally. It will be interesting how he does with it. He’s quite the little dancer so I hope he takes to the dance class, too. It’s time little brother had his own things to do separate from  big brother. His teacher sent a message that in two weeks we’re to pick up his next package of workbooks/worksheets/etc, which says to me they’re planning on no school before January. Sigh. 

In other news, shortly after Halloween my band is getting together to record an album, for which we’ll all be tested first so we can safely gather in a studio for a full day. I’m a bit nervous about opening my mouth to sing after eight months of silence...I’m going to have to do some practice beforehand. Also we have our first actual gig on the books for January - a socially-distanced outdoor concert to be filmed for a dance event. Unfortunately it’s the same weekend I booked a cabin in Lake Arrowhead - but I can just drive down for the day. An actual gig. Who’d have thunk it? 

Once more into the breach

The BF and I watched the VP debate with much interest. It should be no surprise to anyone paying attention that the real star of the night was, of course, the fly.

A symbol of the soon-to-be rotting corpse of the GOP? From my fingertips to God’s ears.

I had planned on voting in person because fears of ballot shenanigans, but instead today decided to do the early drop box voting like most of my friends here in CA. Easy, peasy, done. Not much concern about voter suppression here in LA, so why not. That way I can hunker down in the house on Election Day, avoid any violence or weirdness, and instead obsessively doom scroll while CNN drones in the background. I know we won’t necessarily have results that night; but I am interested to watch these swing states as they develop. Not to sound like Trump himself, but I have to admit if we actually lose after all this time of solid polling in our favor, I’m going to have to question if the election was rigged. There’s just no way T can win at this point. How can he? He just can’t. And the senate ain’t looking so great for Republicans, either. 

So yet another week of distance learning is on the books. It’s manageable...but honestly, it really sucks. Much to my surprise, Theo is doing pretty well - it’s Bobby who’s suddenly become difficult. There is a ton of silent reading to do during his school day, which he resists something awful, and we’ve caught him fooling around and chatting with friends on a few occasions. He whines and complains about everything he has to do, which leaves me utterly exhausted and drained by the end of the day. I look at the weeks and months of this spreading in front of me like a river of fire and it fills me with despair. Pretty much every day I say to myself, “I don’t think I can take much more of this.” And yet I have no choice. 

Adding to the stress is the BF is interviewing for a job again, this time one he had passed on a while ago that is now offering more money. It still may go nowhere, and I don’t know the details as far as hours or location...but the idea of him being out of the house 10-12 hours a day while I’m on the hook for entire full days of relentless childcare, scares me to death. At least right now I get to walk in the morning and can still have the occasional socially-distanced meet up with a friend during the day and he’ll just go into his current part-time job later. I feel like these are the only things keeping me from losing it. I already yelled at Bobby for being so frustratingly obstinate and made him cry earlier this week...ugh. I see a lot of that in my future if he takes this job. I’m trying hard not to worry about it until it’s more real. We’ll see.

It’s hard to be a parent right now, trying to prepare for this highly unusual (read: shitty) holiday season, trying to keep things “upbeat” and normal, and yet every minute of every day we’re pummeled with terrible doomsday news - the election will take weeks or months to sort out and be accompanied by violence and chaos; this winter is going to be a nightmare of Covid deaths and infections unlike anything we’ve ever seen. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

It’s no wonder I’m struggling a bit emotionally. 

Whiplash

What a crazy fucking week. I’m still reeling and working through the adrenaline of the debate; it was a nightmarish schoolyard bully session for an hour and a half, as predicted - however I thought Biden did well, and based on the recent polls, many others did, too. 

Then late Thursday night the announcement of Trump’s positive Covid test - surprise! Immediately followed by wild conjecture and skepticism. Most of my friends didn’t believe it. I did, though - and the sad reality is he probably knew a lot longer than we think, and went on to knowingly endanger hundreds of people, possibly even Biden. I don’t think they ever would have told us had it not been for the leaking of Hope Hicks’ diagnosis. So now...we wait.

Do I want him to die? No. I want him to lose the election and be held accountable for his multitudinous crimes. I predict he’ll be back in the WH early this week ready to spin this as best he can. But it’s too late - he’s slipping in the polls so fast at this point, and the election is less than a month away. Some people also feel the SCOTUS appointment is in danger, but I don’t think so. Those slimy GOP senators know conservatism is having its last gasp so they’ll stop at nothing to ram through this Aunt Lydia that we’ll be stuck with for 40+ years. That’s a lost cause, in my opinion. 

The shaming by straight white men on the rest of us for not wishing that scumbag well (and I actively, purposefully did not celebrate openly) has been amazing to witness. We have been subject to the worst abusive, gaslighting relationship with this piece-of-shit president for the last four years, he pretty much single-handedly causes the death of almost a quarter of a million people by a preventable disease, and then catches it himself because of his own negligence, and we’re horrible people for not wishing him well? OH MY GOD FUCK YOU.

Also, your privilege is showing, big time. 

So. Yeah. That’s been the first week of October. Can we stop this carnival ride? I want to get off. 

October

It’s October. Month seven of our pandemic. It’s 100 degrees and painfully dry, with still poor air quality from local and not-so-local fires. The kids are trading nosebleeds. 

My friends in Orange County, their kids are back in school. I’m so jealous. There’s no end in sight for us in LAUSD. Although, I have been seeing articles about LAUSD contracting with a testing company. So it may be that testing and not lower numbers or a vaccine is the answer.

Speaking of testing, Hawaii is opening its doors October 15th to those who have gotten negative tests right before travel. This may not even happen - they’ve pushed things back and changed tactics so many times. But airlines are starting to offer testing before Hawaii flights, so I took a leap last night and used my refunded points and miles to re-book our canceled summer Kauai trip for first week of January. It’s easy to cancel and get everything back in my account. I’m fairly confident it’ll be easy to get the whole family tested within 72 hours of arrival, and everyone on the plane will have been tested, and our time there will be 100% on beaches, so I figure the risks are minimal. Oh, I hope it happens. But rising numbers and/or civil unrest (war?) and/or shut downs could dash our plans once again. 

Last night I decided to apply for unemployment. I’m past the period required for the PPP loan, and at this point I’m not hopeful there’ll be another one. My refinance is done, and there’s going to be zero income for the foreseeable future. I can live off loans, but why should I? It’s not my fault the event got canceled. I have no income. I’m required to stay home 24/7 and homeschool children. If anyone deserves unemployment I’ve been paying into for decades, it’s me. We’ll see how that goes. 

Joshua Tree

Yesterday we returned from our long weekend trip to Joshua Tree. In a word, it was great. I have to say I’m really getting the hang of plotting out trips for the family. It definitely helps that the kids are capable of doing just about anything now - there’s no more messing about with strollers or nap times or diapers. Don’t miss those days, not one bit. 

I booked us a basic cabin - a hut, really - in an isolated area off a long dirt road. It wasn’t quite as isolated as our water tank experience in Cuyama - you could still see houses in the distance. I had opted for a device-free weekend, and I’m so glad I did. The kids entertained themselves for hours playing Uno and swinging in the hammock. There’s pretty much constant proof that the decision to bring about a sibling was a good one.

The first day we went to the Noah Purifoy museum, which was amazing. I’m not sure what the kids made of it; but I tried to give some cultural context.

Then we spent the day at the National Park, which luckily was having a free day. It was very hot, and I frequently questioned the wisdom of being out there in the sun all day, but the boys particularly enjoyed climbing the rocks and exploring caves, and I got my kicks listening to The Joshua Tree album and marveling at what a massive impact that album had on me at 15, and how relevant it still is today. It was amazing to be in the very place that inspired such artistry. 

The next day we went to Pioneertown and explored the little town a bit. It’s odd traveling during Coronavirus - so many things are unexpectedly closed, browsing through stores is stressful or impossible, and ordering food is an ordeal of long lines and stressed, overworked servers. 

As always my favorite parts of the trip involved being in nature or being in the quiet of our funky homestead. I enjoyed a long soak in the outdoor tub filled with warm well water, hung in the hammock, and played Chinese checkers and Uno with the family. 

It was delightful and very relaxing. As is often the case, I spent our drive home looking for opportunities to come back. I’m dreading a long winter with no camping. I think I found us a heated cabin out there for our next cool weather trip, however. I’d love to go back in the next few months. 

Now, back to distance learning and tonight’s debate...honestly, I’m feeling pretty good about the election at the moment; we’re so close now, I just don’t see Trump being able to turn things around at this point. Oh, I see him cheating, for sure - but I pledge to hit the streets and not let up if he tries any shit. I’m ready for it. 

Countdown to JT

Tomorrow after school wraps up for both boys, we head out to Joshua Tree for another in a series of “glamping” trips. I have no idea what we’re getting into. It’s the desert. There’s no water to play in. It’s quite a bit hotter than I had hoped - mid-high 90s each day. Considering the only thing to do is go on long hikes and scramble up rocks, I’m not so sure everyone else will be as into it as I am. Well, it’s an adventure. Much like all of our other trips, if we decide we hate it, there’s nothing to prevent us from packing up and going home. We’ll be staying in a makeshift cabin with an outdoor kitchen, so packing up will be quick and easy! 

Yesterday I had my second pandemic haircut, and today I had my first teeth cleaning in a year after my March appointment was canceled and never rescheduled. Next week the boys will have their first dental appointment in a year after their March appointments were canceled and never rescheduled. Their teeth are horribly stained in the front despite religiously brushing morning and night. What’s up with that? Theo had some tooth staining when he was a toddler and a cleaning got rid of it. I’m hoping the same will happen next week. 

Bobby had some kind of assessment last week for reading and math - math put him on the high side of average (a few months ahead of his current grade level) and reading two and a half years ahead (almost to sixth grade!). I was pretty proud. He has some more testing tomorrow. I’m not sure if this is normal for 3rd grade or is a result of distance learning. Either way, it’s a relief to know he’s not falling behind. 

This upcoming month marks the end of my actual money, and the beginning of living on loans. Any hope I had of handing back the money I’ve borrowed, unused, is gone. If it were a normal year and I could start my income stream in February by opening registration, and I’d only be in the hole three months. But I’ll be lucky if I can open for registration by summer; even luckier if I can run the event and actually make some money. But I’m not 100% confident that I will be able to have a live event next year. Will I make it to 2022? Sure. The loan money is there. But every penny has to be paid back, with interest. Starting in May. Sigh.

I’ve managed to send myself into various anxiety spirals this week thinking about the election, voter suppression, the Supreme Court, Drump saying he won’t leave, more civil unrest, Covid numbers no longer decreasing in California, etc etc etc. It’s all too much. Time to escape to the desert! 

We’ll make great pets

I don’t normally swear on Facebook. It’s odd because I swear pretty much constantly in real life (hello, NYC childhood), yet for me seeing actual swear words written in people’s posts to me is akin to swearing loudly in front of children or old people - it’s just sort of jarring and unpleasant. And yet I’ve typed the word “fuck” more times than I care to count on FB in the last 48 hours. I just didn’t care anymore.

The death of RGB hit me hard as I know it did all progressives. I mourned, and continue to mourn her as a trailblazer, a fighter, and one who wanted everything but what is about to happen - another shitty conservative judge being given a lifetime appointment in her place, just WEEKS before this piece of shit so-called president might be kicked to the curb. Oh, if only she could have held on just a few more months! And yet, here we are. The conservatives rub their hands with glee, and the very thought of that makes me want to tear my skin off with rage. As I said on FB...when, exactly, do the bad people stop winning?

And then, in the midst of my intense rage and sadness and desire to break things and scream into the void...the earth decides to pick up our house and shake it like an etch-a-sketch. Massive earthquake at 11:30 at night as we were getting ready for bed - centered very close to us, and by far the biggest quake I’ve felt since 1994. It was over in a few seconds and shockingly nothing broken...kids didn’t even wake up. But that adrenaline on top of already coursing adrenaline was just too much.

OH MY GOD 2020 JUST FUCK OFF ALREADY!!!

As usual I turned to my echo chamber on FB and laughed as I saw pretty much everyone I knew had posted the exact same sentiment. 

I’m so comforted when I see other people as emotionally unhinged as I am by all this political stuff...I’m not crazy, I’m not overreacting; how I’m feeling is a normal, actually healthy reaction to the hell that life in America has become (and has actually been for many people as we white folk fooled ourselves into thinking we had solved racism by electing Obama twice). I’ve helped my mental state a lot this weekend by getting out for long punishing walks every day, drinking a lot of water, and falling back on my favorite coping mechanism I’ve had since my 80s childhood which was rife with the horrors of potential nuclear war and apocalypse; sinking comfortably into dull, numb acceptance of our coming demise as a species on this earth. 

The Porno for Pyros song “We’ll Make Great Pets” has been on my playlist since all of this began in March; it hits just the right note of playful, sad, grim acceptance that is the most safe place for me to rest right now. I’m at my best when I can have a sense of humor about all this shit; I become unbearable to be around when I don’t. What’s more fun to live with - a witty, wry Oscar Wilde-type throwing out glib rejoinders and then sauntering into the kitchen for a strong cup of tea, or a snarling honey badger who tears apart upholstery with its teeth and poops in the corner? I’m going to venture it’s Wilde. 

We’ll make great pets 

It’s funny because when I first got that album I was a brand new LA transplant, all alone here, totally lost and aimless, seeing zero road from where I was to where I wanted to be. It was a terrible time - lonely, sad, hopeless - and yet every day was the impossibly blinding California sun and toxic west Coast positivity mocking my grim reality. It’s funny how nearly thirty years later this same song, frozen in time, can mean similar things yet slightly different; I’m not alone, I’m not aimless...and yet this time we’re facing a real humanitarian crisis the likes of which we’ve never seen...a malignant narcissist and sociopath in the White House, and a whole new brand of superbugs that actually could wipe us out more completely than a Russian warhead ever could have in the 80s. And all of this preventable if people weren’t such racists. It’s maddening and enraging. But I don’t like myself when I feel like I need to do something about it, because short of driving to the houses of the remaining  few right wingers in my FB friend list, ringing their doorbells, and personally punching them in the face, there is nothing to be done except vote, which is a given. 

So I settle in to sad, bored, grim resignation, because it’s the only way to get by.

Will there be another race to

Come along and take over for us

Maybe Martians can do better than we’ve done?

We’ll make great pets...

From zen to gah

I had a bit of a freak out yesterday. I blame three things - a) it being Monday (pandemic Mondays are the WORST) b) fasting and c) having been cooped up and unable to exercise for about two weeks due to poor air quality, with no end in sight. 

There was just something about these loooong pandemic, post-virtual event days that got to me...the kids’ school days start at 9, and with lunch and making them run around outside (while constantly second-guessing myself about the air quality) and after school work, we weren’t really done until about four, and by then I was just completely wiped out. I’ve been extraordinarily tired lately, but I do think this is a direct result of not getting out for my walks. I’ve turned into a three-toed ground sloth who trades her nighttime pajamas for her daytime pajamas and spends maybe six or seven hours a day not in bed. I told the BF that the very thought of months of this going on - just dragging kids through “school” every day, cooking and cleaning up after three meals, nothing to do on weekends, kids running around screaming and breaking things or watching inane gamer videos - positively fills me with despair. This was one thing I was reminded of during my virtual event - we all need balance to feel like whole human beings. For me, I need my home life with children and domestic tasks, I need a romantic life, I need a life of friends, I need work and challenges, and I need a creative life with colleagues. I’ve been stripped of three of those things, so I feel very unbalanced and out of sorts. And the uncertainty of any of those things returning any time soon is very stressful. It makes me less grateful for the parts I do have left. 

I hustled my butt up the hill today and breathed in who knows how many smoke particulates just to snap me out of my ennui and it seemed to have worked. Also, eating helps. In good news, I have broken my six month tableau and have finally dipped below 140 lbs for the first time in ages. It’s going to be difficult staying here, but at least I know it’s possible. I’ve been determined to not gain weight during this miserable quarantine and I’m glad I’ve stuck to that. It’s one of the few things I’m proud of because it’s taken such a concerted effort. I’d like to lose 3-5 more pounds but we’ll see. 

And now it’s fall

Like much of the west coast, we’re under a blanket of smoke at the moment. Relatively speaking it’s not that bad where we are - it rarely is here - but still bad enough that any outdoor activity is discouraged, and I wake up each day to the crispy smell of campfires, and my car is covered in ash (of our hopes and dreams, I wonder?).

The BF has started back at his old job, but only part time. When he asked if it was ok, after determining that it would be flexible and it would allow me for walks in the morning and having him home at night, I agreed to it. It’s time - it would be selfish of me to demand he stay home now that my event is over and clearly the kids’ school is manageable for one person. He needs something else in his life. And I’m ready to have him be somewhere else for a while. Just removing one person from this house reduces the chaos, mess, and noise by 25%, and I’m into it. 

So it looks like this will be our fall life. I have a few loose ends to tie up for my event - I still have to mail the dance contest awards all over the world, and pay a few stragglers - but mostly my work is done for the foreseeable future. Normally I would be hiring people and fleshing our next year’s details, ready to be announced in November...but with no registration opening in sight, there’s no point. I pretty much intend to put on a duplicate of this year, on the assumption that everyone will be available for me. So most of that work was done a year ago. My only job is to sit tight and monitor the Covid situation. I expect to be in this state of flux for at least eight months. 

In the meantime I intend to fill my life with cooking, knitting, and plotting out inexpensive camping trips. I’m trying to have one trip a month so I always have something to look forward to. We’re headed to Joshua Tree in two weeks, then we camp with our “camping pod” over Halloween, then we will hopefully hit Death Valley over Thanksgiving break. Christmas break, I have a few ideas...one of which is cashing in our free Hawaii trip on the assumption that we’ll be able to travel there as long as we get tested right before (supposedly they’re instituting this on Oct 1). But there are many problems with this idea. One - there’s no guarantee that this policy will be in place by late December, or that COVID won’t spiral out of control yet again over the winter (likely) and we’ll just have to cancel everything again. Two - do I want to subject my kids to being tested? What if they freak out? And what if the timing gets all effed up and screws up our trip? Three - what if the whole trip ends up being depressing and awful? Is this really how we want to see Hawaii, everything closed and masked and people hating on us for bringing our mainland disease to their shores? But then again - Hawaii! It’s a tough call. I’ll have to give that a good long think. But not too long, because once those floodgates open, watch out. 

Then we have a mountain cabin booked for January’s one three day weekend, and I’ll think of something for Feb. If Death Valley works out in Nov we can make that a regular getaway for the winter months. And then it’s spring, and who knows what will be happening then? School, my event open, new president? It’s sad that none of those things are a guarantee. I read today that LAUSD has stated there will be no school before November - which we all knew. I’m thinking no school before spring break, and even that’s a stretch. So right now I’m just taking everything in week and then month chunks. My biggest hurdle - my event - is done. Now the next big hurdle - the election. God help us all. 

First and hopefully last

I put on my virtual event this last weekend, in the place of my usual four day event at a hotel by the airport. I had no idea what to expect - I didn’t even know if it would actually happen, which is one of the many reasons I didn’t charge a penny for it but urged donations instead, in the hopes of breaking even. To be fair, my fears of it not happening were not unfounded - just ten minutes before we shut down for the night opening night, YouTube pulled the entire livestream for copyright violation (read: music licensing issues). Thankfully my livestreamer has his own Twitch channel, so the next morning we seamlessly moved over there and had no issues the rest of the weekend (phew).

So much about this was so unknown - would we face criticism for passively encouraging people to get together and dance; would we not get any donations; would hardly anyone participate because online dance events are just too depressing; would the whole thing just be a sad, pathetic shadow of the real thing and remind us of how alone, and, indeed, fucked we all are? 

Well, I can’t speak for everyone’s experience of course, but only to mine and the many people who told me how they felt about it - it was really, really magical. Everything just came together and everyone was so full of excitement and fun - we need this, they said. At the last minute we decided to make our DJ evenings zoom parties so we could see everyone dancing in their homes; it absolutely made the weekend. People were able to chat and hang out, people dressed for the themes, one woman even danced alone in her house with a mannequin all weekend. We had a virtual pool party on Labor Day where everyone hung out in their yards in kiddie pools. There were lots of slip ups and technical glitches, but none of it mattered - I think in a weird way it added to the down-home-ness of it all. 

It was a weekend full of bizarre calamities - intense 113 degree temperatures on Sunday (105 the day before) that caused our power to go out and our AC to quit (until the BF went up into the attic and took the panels off so it could cool down - it worked!); one of our DJs lost power during his set, and when he went onto his dark porch to play a little guitar instead, there was a massive car accident right in front of his house and we had to get someone to fill in. All of this happened on air. It was nuts.

But we did it, and everything hit just the right note - I sang We’ll Meet Again for everyone at closing and people told me they sang along at home and cried (don’t think this isn’t going to be an annual tradition at our actual event closing from now on); our final DJ night turned into a musical videoclip session that I found fascinating and inspiring, people really dug the classes and panels I put together. 

As I said in my closing speech, I had been afraid of this event because I was afraid that it would hurt - that seeing everyone and seeing people dance and hearing the music after all this time would be unbearable; but it really wasn’t. It was actually great, and made me really optimistic for our future as a community. We’re not going anywhere. We’re just taking a forced break. We’ll be back.

I think by event’s end I had made enough to break even, and sold nearly 500 t shirts to boot. I’m happy with that. 

It’s the least stressed I’ve been during and after the event. But I still feel a bit like I’ve run a marathon. The BF kept the kids out of my hair all weekend...and it occurred to me that they can just come with us next year - they’ll be nine and seven and perfectly capable of hanging out in the ballroom. It’s time they see what a badass their mother is. 

September

It’s September. So many things happen in September that are not happening this year. My event, kids in school, dropping temperatures. Well, it’s been pleasantly cool for a few days, but it’s going to be nearly 110 this weekend. I’m not missing being in a hotel who’s antiquated air conditioning can’t keep up, I can tell you that. 

I’m gearing up for my virtual event starting this Friday. There is still a lot to do, and of course I’ve been frustratingly left with things at the last minute out of my control - typical. And I have to wrestle these kids through home school every day (Bobby is a snap - Theo has a lot of independent work to do, which means I have a lot of independent work to do). It’s going to be really odd sitting in front of my computer all weekend watching my own livestream and just hoping it all goes well. So many pieces that have to come together. I’ll be on pins and needles from about 6 pm until midnight every night. It’s going to be utterly draining. But I hope it hits just the right notes of fun and heartwarming, and I hope people get a kick out of it even if some parts of it aren’t exactly smooth. So many people are saying they’re excited for next year that I’m beginning to have a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, if I can run a live event, people will actually show up. But everything is unknown right now.

I had a minor meltdown over the weekend about the election. Despite my earlier enthusiasm, Biden’s lead has slipped, and we are once again in a tight race, a fact I find infuriating and maddening. How can anyone vote for this cretin. I mean, I get it, last time most people didn’t really know how awful he was, or how much damage he could do in four years. But this time? This time??? Well, if you’re voting for Trump in 2020 it just makes you a horrible person, end of story. This shouldn’t be a close race, at all. We should be winning by a landslide. And yet. Right now it’s a close race. Most likely outcome is once again we’ll win the popular vote but lose the electoral college because somehow rural voters’ votes should count 10x what mine does. Ok. Makes sense...

I just can’t stand the thought of a Trump win. I don’t know how I’m going to survive emotionally. I can’t go through this again, I can’t. I have no fight in me to see a positive side. I asked the BF to please tell me we’ll survive another four years of Trump, and he said we’ll survive, but it’s going to suck. God, as if things could suck worse!!!

Anyway, I’m not going to go on and on about it; just to say every second of my life is tinged with the terror that we’re not going to win this, and that my kids will be 12 and 10 by the time this asshole is finally out of our lives, and god knows what will have happened by the time that moment comes...god knows how much irreparable damage will have been done.

I’m the meantime, I just booked a camping trip over Halloween with our camping friends. I figure it’s the best way to spend the weirdest Halloween ever; it’s hopefully the only time we’ll ever not have access to trick-or-treating, so might as well do something special. We can do our candy-Easter egg-Halloween hunt on the campground rather than in the yard. Got to have some semblance of normalcy even when everything is so not.

Week two down

We survived our second week of “school”, and because for once it wasn’t the night before my event and was conducted online, I was able to attend Back to School night. So, that’s a first.

The boys did well. Theo’s stuff is more in flux - the teacher changes up procedures fairly regularly, and we’re all still trying to figure out tough stuff for kids this age - should they be typing answers? Writing with their finger with a draw tool? Writing on paper and then taking a picture and sending it? Should I correct his spelling errors as I see them or just let them be? I think it’s hard for everyone to assess exactly what works best for first graders in this situation. Dragging him through his independent work every day sucks big time. He just wants to run and jump and kick and climb. It’s like trying to get a monkey to sit down and solve a rubix cube. Good luck with that.

I have become obsessed with winter camping in Death Valley. I mean...what former/current goth doesn’t love the idea of being in a place called Death Valley?? Also, I’ve kind of fallen in love with remote desert camping after our water tank camping experience. It’s pretty magical. And I want to continue our camping magic as long as I can. Our big hurdles are the school schedule (of course randomly this year there are almost no three day weekends) and not knowing if the BF is going to get a job that prohibits his leaving town. So the plan I’ve formulated is Death Valley for the first part of the Thanksgiving week off - and I want to rent a trailer or small RV because the nights will be very cold and apparently there’s intense winds, which all sounds awful in tents and trying to cook dinner outside. I think it’s worth the expense of renting a camper of some kind. We already have a trip to Joshua Tree set for a month from now and we may head up to lake Isabella one more time in October. If Death Valley works out in Nov maybe we can go over Christmas, too. I was hoping to cash in our free trip to Hawaii over Christmas...but Hawaii is really hurting right now. Somehow I don’t see them welcoming visitors by then. But...you never know. 

For now, the kids are safe and happy, and I’m having the least amount of stress in years the weekend before Labor Day - there is some stress due to the virtual event still being in place; but maybe 10% of what I normally experience. It sucks because we all wish “normal life” could be this easy going...but the reason it’s this easy going is because I’m prohibited from earning a living right now. When I subtract the SBA money and refinance money from my bank account, I only have about $10,000 left, which will be gone in two months. By the end of the year I will be officially living on credit only. I wish I could open for registration on Feb 1 like usual and start having an income again, but right now that looks pretty impossible, and I’m trying to make peace with the fact that next year will likely be a loss year, too, even if I am allowed to have a live event. It’s a heartbreaking thought but pretty likely, since so many people have been financially devastated or will be over the next few months. It’s just bad news all around.

The mystery of the missing comments

So...blogger just changed its format, and I happened upon a “moderate comments” section I’d never seen before. In the past I was always emailed when someone made a comment; those stopped back in 2018 and I just assumed everyone was bored with me and wasn’t reading anymore. Well, lookie here - 96 comments awaiting approval!! Wtf. So I just approved them all (well, the non-spam ones, anyway) and just wanted to thank you all for taking the time to read and/or comment on my blog. I wasn’t ignoring you, and I’m surprised and delighted that you’ve all been weighing in with support/advice/encouragement. 

Also it’s just a little weird knowing that people are actually still reading this. In the words of Bette Davis, “suddenly it feels as if I’ve taken off all my clothes”. Ha. Anyway. Thanks again. This time I will check my “moderate comments” folder more regularly! Sheesh! 

In the groove

It’s week two of distance learning. Things are going ok. Most of our glitchy issues seem to be resolved for the moment - although I’m still anxiously awaiting the Verizon hot spot the school has offered to supplement our shitty internet. Things I’ve learned since last week:

There really is no comfortable spot to do work around here. Bobby regularly moves his chrome book from the hallway to the kitchen to our bedroom and never seems to settle anywhere

You can’t have any other devices on wifi when both boys are on their zoom calls in the morning

We need to have more snacks lying around. Also, the boys need to learn to throw away the wrappers of said snacks 

Theo’s “independent work” after his zoom classroom stuff ends around 10:30 AM is way less gnarly (so far) than his kindergarten stuff last year. Go figure 

The small exercise trampoline that’s been monopolizing our dining room for months, mostly unused, has become an essential recess tool

So far, the schedule is fairly relaxed and I feel like I can live with it. I get up at 8, make breakfast and get the kids through their morning routines, then set both boys up to start at 9 AM. Bobby has a pretty good mix of teacher time, breaks, and work in groups. I don’t watch him very much - I worry that he’s really fucking up and I just don’t know it. But every time I peek in on him he seems to be doing what he’s supposed to be doing, so...? It also makes me realize how much of the actual school day is spent on academics and how much is other stuff. Turns out a lot is other stuff. He is typically done between 1-2:15 each day. So far the only after school work has been a slideshow due Friday. We’re half way done with it.

Theo has live instruction until about 10:30 which to me is age-appropriate, and then there’s 5-6 quick, easy assignments we do together on various platforms. Between lunch and these assignments it takes him about until when B finishes up. Then we’re off for the day.

I don’t have any complaints about the way things are being done - I wish this had been in place last spring, although obviously that was impossible at the time. It seems workable - at least for non-working parents. Theo has to be assisted at all times. The BF thinks he’ll be able to do his own assignments soon - I don’t believe this for one second. I can barely figure out where everything is. But at least the online school part I just have to make sure he’s paying attention, which he usually is. 

For now I can still sneak off for walks or lunches, although the BF has been back at his old job here and there, doing mostly favors for his old boss (some paid, some not) so I’ve seen a bit of my future being trapped here alone day and night with two rambunctious kids, making breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day, and make no mistake, it is a slog. 

Our governor says our numbers are dropping and our school district is teasing us with hints as to what a return to school could look like. I don’t dare to dream, honestly - I still can’t imagine how winter, always the height of sick season, will be when things suddenly start getting better. But like all people right now I’m taking some comfort in the fact that our infection rates are not still ever-careening up to the sky. That’s something.