One month development or a fluke?

So lately Bumpus has been a lot more personable. He has a lot more awake/alert time, cries less, and sleeps more at night. It's kind of a fog but I believe I actually slept a five hour stretch last night. Could my little son be awakening in there...?

It could all just be a fluke, or could be a result of my reading his cues better - or learning certain techniques (such as keeping him swaddled at night, white noise, etc). Anyway I'm digging it! I've been able to turn off the light and TV when we sleep now, and am considering setting up the cosleeper soon.

Yesterday on Bumpus' one month birthday, the book I'd pre-ordered for my Kindle arrived, "Le Conflit" (book about how the trend towards naturalism in mothering oppresses women, by bitchy French feminist). I've read almost all of it, ironically entirely while breast feeding my baby.

As suspected I'm finding it excellent and full of uncomfortable truths. The positions she takes are pretty accurate - the fact is, the mother who insists on breast feeding on demand for 3+ years, cloth diapering, making organic baby food, attending her child's every need day and night, will never be able to have a demanding career, period. However, one who is ok with day care and bottled conveniences, probably can. Now as mentioned before, I'm in a very unique situation wherein I can actually do all of those things without compromising my career. But this situation applies to almost no one (and certainly almost no single women).

The part about people's motivation to have children was shockingly truthful. It appears that various polls show people most often have children because of a feeling that it's something you should do, especially when time is running out, rather than an actual desire to be a parent or an actual love of children. Most people look at parenthood as something to be crossed off a list. And I hate to admit this, but I'm kind of one of those people. I had zero desire to endure a pregnancy or birth; I looked at both of those things as a means to an end. And I generally don't much care for kids. Had anyone given me a real snapshot of what all of this would really be like, a year ago before I started - had I known I'd lie on my bathroom floor for three months so sick to my stomach that I'd wish I was dead, had I known how awful my birth experience was going to be, had I known how relentless and unrewarding taking care of a newborn would be, I honestly never would have done it. And that's the truth.

However, I endured all this because I was sick of being single and childless. I was sick of feeling like I was missing out. I was terrified of dying one day with no one to carry on for me. I was sick of being jealous of my friends. I was bored and needed to change my life. And so I knocked myself up.

Do I regret it? No, I really don't. I have solved the problem of not having a kid. And he's amazing and worth it and I'm excited for our future as a family. But let's just say my feelings about motherhood are a lot more complex than "I just want to be a mommy." And I think it's ok to admit there are lots of reasons to take on parenthood, some not as altruistic as we'd like, but as long as you get here and your child is loved and cherished, does it really matter?