Another Saturday night

I hate weekends with no plans. Especially holiday weekends in which everyone else has plans, and holiday weekends with beautiful weather (especially when the beautiful weather is set to end abruptly on Monday). I think I'm just being fussy, however. Today I had several people and a toddler over for several hours and was exhausted and couldn't wait for everyone to leave so I could have some quiet time...and then immediately felt lonely and wished someone else would come over. So, don't listen to me. Obviously I don't know what I want.

It will be fun when the boy is a walking, talking presence. When we can go out and do things that he can enjoy. He's just going to be a squishy newborn for a while, so although I can start getting together with other moms for my own socialization, he won't get much out of it for a while. I can see how mothers of small babies get lonely even though they're never been so attached to another human being in their lives - the little ones can't give much back at this stage. Technically for the first time ever I'm sharing this house with another human being, a real live boy, but it kind of doesn't feel like it, not yet.

Whenever I get in this mood, I ask myself, "ok, what else would you be doing right now?" had I never had the notion of having a child. It does help me get some perspective, because I know myself and I know I'd be very down right now if not for the baby. I read some of my blog posts from this time last year, and boy do I remember that feeling, that ugly, scary feeling all single childless women go through in their late thirties - the "is that all there is?" feeling. Wondering if you'll ever meet someone, if you'll ever be able to have children, if you'll ever be happy. The boredom, the lack of challenge, the same things over and over. The long bitter conversations with other single women that I was so sick of. All if those reasons that I made this leap and did this crazy thing, and here we are, a year later, mission accomplished. Is he keeping me from being out having fun on a night like this? No. If not for him I'd just be sitting here alone. And that's the truth.

So hopefully tomorrow I can get out and enjoy the day, maybe try something new like do a quick supermarket run or delve into cloth diapers. And try to remember in the blink of an eye he can take part in Easter egg hunts and play with the other dance babies - right now he just has to grow and thrive and figure out who he wants to be.