Tea for Two

It comes as a big surprise to me that since my son was born I've spent a lot of time thinking about baby #2 - and basically thinking about giving up the dream of baby #2. I think I am starting to make peace with this decision. I think.

Mainly as you know I just can't go through with another labor experience like that. Not for a million, trillion dollars. And nobody can guarantee I won't have a similar (or far worse) experience next time. If I were a younger woman I might feel differently - but somehow I can't believe I'd develop pre-e at a healthy 39 and not at 41 or 42. I feel SO lucky that my baby was full term and perfectly healthy despite everything; I feel like I dodged a major bullet, actually, as he side stepped all potential issues from the very beginning. I never had to worry about him. I can't even imagine what moms go through with babies with major health issues. There but for the grace of God, you know?

Then there's practical stuff - money, being single. I think for me to have two children I would need one of two things - either a partner of some kind, or enough money to hire lots of help. There's no way I could handle two children in my current condition, no way. It's hard enough handling a newborn and a high maintenance dog!

But with this decision comes the death of a dream, and I am working through that. So, I'll never have a little girl to play with my dolls. Robert will never have a full sibling. I won't get that perfect two kid family like all my friends. I'll never be pregnant again, which believe it or not, is sad to me. I do kind of miss it (the middle part, anyway). But there is a certain freedom in knowing I only have to go through all of this once - no more fertility stuff, no fear of miscarriage or birth defects, no morning sickness, no labor. And no trying to come up with the money for all this - from now on it's just spending money on Robert's needs, not a new pregnancy. I may even get a new health insurance policy for myself without maternity coverage to save some money. Then I'll have to release those four vials of sperm I reserved. They have not charged me storage yet - they said they would send a bill in March, but as of right now I've gotten nothing. I hope they just made a clerical error so I don't have to make that decision right this second...but as soon as that bill shows up I'm going to have to commit to this No #2 thing because there's no way I can shell out more thousands for storage. It's bad enough I can't get my nearly $3000 for sperm back.

Still, I look at my boy and definitely feel like he's enough, and quite enjoy that he gets to be my sole focus. It does feel right to me, and that's what I had hoped - that once he was here I'd feel like he was all I needed to feel like a family. But I guess it's ok to mourn the dream of a bigger family. I think for me time just really ran out. If I were even a couple of years younger I'd feel more confident that I could turn everything around and have a totally different birth experience next time - but not moving into my forties, no. I see very bad things if I choose to pursue a second pregnancy after how things went this time.

In the meantime, I get to have this, and if that isn't a miracle I don't know what is: