While you were sleeping

So I am being an insane over-achiever right now.  I have beans on the stove, a load of dishes in the washer, three loads of laundry on and just joined the Donor Sibling Registry (I appear to be the first for this donor). Why am I doing all this? Three reasons. RT is napping and I know to take advantage of every moment I can get to myself to keep the chaos at bay around here. I had to run out and rent a breast pump today to keep my supply from drying up, and I have to start using it every two hours, and I want to make sure I get everything done before I’m tied down to that the next 24 hours. And finally, I am still fighting hard to keep sad/angry/depressing thoughts away, and keeping busy has been doing wonders.

I especially wanted to do laundry because, being in trauma mode, knowing my bloody delivery/post delivery clothes, plus my checking in to be induced outfit were mocking me from the laundry basket, I felt a need to really cleanse that experience. It’s a way to move on. I made the mistake yesterday of using a foot pumice stone to try to remove all the tape marks all over my arms, legs, and back from all the IVs/medications/catheter/foley bulb/etc, and instead ended up hideously scarring myself. I look like I had a run in with a wild raccoon. So unfortunately I have that unpleasant visual reminder of my experience for weeks now until I heal.

So now I have a hospital grade breast pump at the ready and a lactation consultant coming over tomorrow to the tune of $250 combined.  Hey, you can’t say I’m not trying. Now my giant, hard breasts are covered with red blotches.  I can’t even imagine how painful pumping is going to be – oy. And I sure hope this lady doesn’t panic me and make me feel guilty about all this time wasted as my boy gets used to formula. She seemed to think we could make it happen, though, and said the only thing urgent is to make sure I don’t dry up.  Again, with a massive sigh of resignation I let learning to breastfeed take over my life for the next few weeks. And don’t worry, if it’s just not working I have no bad feelings about giving up. But I do feel I owe it to both of us to at least try, which I haven’t done yet. So I am bringing out the big guns and spending money I don’t have to at least try to be successful.

Today would have been my due date. My WTE app, which I have been watching count down for months, says “today’s the day!!!” And I find that extremely depressing. But I guess more depressing would be having the health issues I had and being still pregnant now, or a week from now, or two weeks, and having this giant baby and being worried sick (and getting sicker – I was kind of folding in on myself towards the end there, like a flan in a cupboard).

I have a hard time looking at the boxes of stuff I have around this house with pictures of happy babies on them. What’s that about…? Just trauma. I remember after a particularly difficult event in 2004 (my dance event for that year, I mean) I was totally freaked out and traumatized for the month after – everything, and I mean everything, depressed me. I can’t handle anything sentimental; last night I tried to watch the movie “Moonstruck” and had to turn it off because it was too full of feelings. I can’t listen to any music that isn’t silly and upbeat like disco or funk. I just can’t do it. Luckily I have no bad feelings about my boy – he’s just a little gem, so happy and cute and good natured. Last night he slept in four hour increments broken up by feedings and changings, so I got excellent sleep other than my boobs killing me. I have not started on my cloth diapers yet; one thing at a time, please. Let’s lick this breastfeeding thing (or not) and then enter that world. For now disposables are my best friend. It’s funny that he never seems to mind sitting around in a wet or dirty diaper – I just randomly check and change him; he never alerts me. Typical guy, huh?

Here is a picture of me from the hospital - one of the only decent pictures of the two of us together (one of the hazards of single parenthood - nobody to take pictures!)