5AM blogging - why not?

Got a lovely stretch of sleep, did a quick syringe formula feed, diaper change, and now am wired. Like every new mother, I worry when he's up all night (he's miserable, I'm not meeting his needs), and I worry when he sleeps (is he sleeping too much...?). Ah, well. This is where diaper tracking and basic instincts keep you afloat - he's peeing enough that I know he's getting what he needs, and his general demeanor tells me he's happy. I think we just had a rough go of it that first night as he adjusted to being out of the NICU.

I keep setting up the bassinet and then putting it away. The only way I can sleep is propped up on my side with my hand around him, not moving. I just can't bear to have him apart from me while I sleep yet. Just can't do it.

My Mom Guru friend came over tonight to give me some breastfeeding tips and remind me how to use my Moby and sling carriers. Tomorrow first thing I am going to call a lactation consultant to come over here and help me as I figure I have a tiny window to make this work - we tried out my second hand pump and sure enough it barely works, so that's out. I feel like I am in a race against time and am very panicky about it.

My friend and I talked about labor trauma and she made an excellent point. She asked, "what was the last thing you wanted to hear when you were a happy pregnant woman?" I said, "traumatizing birth stories." so we think this is why this issue tends to be so private - there's a lot of guilt and shame involved, and other than others who have been through it, nobody wants to hear your birth horror story because it freaks them out. I hope I haven't traumatized any pregnant women reading my blog! You have to remember I had an extraordinary set of circumstances. I think it's entirely possible to have a wonderful, empowering birth. One thing that saved me for sure was the willingness to be flexible, and to not be too married to things going a certain way. Had I expected the birth to be lovely and natural and peaceful I would have a much harder time adjusting right now. Nope, I knew it would suck, and it did. So I guess there's something to be said for low expectations!

I find myself overwhelmed when I think of how much work trying to learn to breastfeed is going to be in the weeks to come - but then I have to remind myself, "um...and what exactly are you doing in the next couple of months other than being the full time mother of a newborn?" Oh yeah, that's right. This is kind of my priority right now. Duh!

I have started to reach out to friends for visits. I need the company desperately. The crazy sad post-partum thoughts are always at the door; so far I've been very successful at just shutting them out. I know too well what happens when you indulge in depressive, non-productive thoughts; it's a real short trip down that rabbit hole, let me tell you. So much like during pregnancy my mantra is "this is a happy time and we're only thinking happy thoughts."

Well, the babe is blissfully asleep, so I think I'll join him. With my hand at his side to make sure he's still breathing, of course.