Day One

Today was my first full day alone with the baby. The night was rough - he only slept in occasional 45 minute bouts and fed about every hour; it was a long night of learning his language and convincing myself it's best to be led by him at this phase rather than try to enforce a schedule or amount of formula to be taken at one time, etc. My sister left early this morning and it was very emotional for both of us. I can't even really think about that right now.

My Mom Guru friend kindly agreed to take me to my Kaiser appointment today because after the night we had I was worried I wouldn't be able to drive over there. Everything went well - despite the horror of that heel prick blood test they give babies, the results were good (not much jaundice) and everything else looked good as well. A lactation consultant came in and confused me, but did give me tips on the syringe feed method and gave me bigger syringes, so at least for now he'll be well fed. At least so far, the boy is thriving.

After all the excitement I made the executive decision that once we got home rather than trying to force formula down his throat when he didn't want it (little pursed lips are a sign of this, apparently) that instead we should spend some naked time just getting to know each other. So we had a lovely afternoon of skin on skin time, kisses, touching, napping, and communicating in whatever way we could. I think it did miles to undo the odd start we had, and I don't regret it. Accordingly he's been eating like a champ since. I think he eats when he wants and as long as he's doing well I need to go with that.

I've been motivated to clean and organize as a way to feel some peace and control, things that have been very absent the last few days. I am definitely having odd post partum feelings - nothing scary, just feeling very nostalgic and weepy. Trying not to indulge these thoughts too much because I don't want to spend the first weeks of my son's life in despair over irrational thoughts.

For example last night I unpacked the outfit I had worn to the induction and lost it. I just had this image of this innocent pregnant woman about to face all that hell - my former self - and it just killed me inside. I feel like I have a little PTSD from the labor experience, honestly. I think more people do than care to admit it. I keep thinking of myself in my pregnancy and getting really sad; I guess I kind of miss the pregnancy, feel sad it's likely the only one, scared of what's ahead - you know, all that stuff. So for me the best way to manage it is to get organized, keep things clean, and really focus on this amazing little boy.

And reach out to friends, apparently. I had thought I didn't want any contact but now I am craving it. I've been calling and texting people all day and it's made a huge difference. I've been on Facebook all day reading the lovely comments on my birth announcement (and my fellow bloggers' as well - thanks for that!) and it's made me feel a lot less alone. Facebook may be the single girl's worst enemy but it is for sure the new mom's best friend.