Can't help but admit I was genuinely scared last night. After a nice night at a friend's house I came home and just felt "spooked"- I was afraid to go to bed and found myself futzing around straightening up and checking to see what was on TV even though it was after midnight. At that point I realized that I was just plain worried.
What if I just made the worst decision of my life yesterday to not induce and now the baby is (or will be) in trouble? What if he was right? A quick google of c-section rates after induction helped calm me a bit - of course I was right, and he was dead wrong, about the risk of c-section after induction being very high, especially at my stage - and I do have to remember that if I do have a true pre-e emergency situation I'll know it - I'll swell up dramatically, I won't feel well, I'll see flashes, etc. In other words I won't just be sitting here as I am now feeling fine and yet be in the middle of a life threatening situation. Fortunately this isn't one of those "you could be in danger and not even know it" situations. Still, I wasn't worried before, and now I'm worried.
I am in terror of my next NST on Tuesday. Are they going to do this to me every time now? Is every NST going to turn into a Norma-like fight for my rights? And what if my protein/bp really do start to escalate? I won't have much of a leg to stand on if that's true. I wish I could see the midwife first but unfortunately that appointment is the next day...and I get the impression that the midwives (or at least the one I've been seeing) tend to defer to the high risk obs.
We're SO CLOSE now; I only wish this thing hadn't happened yesterday so I could excitedly watch for my body to start prepping for labor rather than now being scared to go to my appointments, dread being pushed around by bullies, and be afraid of escalating symptoms that will cause me to have to make an agonizing decision in the next couple of weeks.
It sucks that I've had a normal, healthy pregnancy and yet our medical system has managed to panic me and suck all the joy out of it at the very end. I know they're just trying to protect me and the baby, but right now I'm full of resentment and kind of hate their guts. A nice hippie midwife and an expensive home birth isn't looking half bad right now.
Just further proof that if you want something done right in this world, you have to do it yourself. Another anxiety-addled blog about the pursuit of single motherhood. Join me, won't you?
Hang in there. I don't think you were wrong for advocating for your son. And I disagree with this statement about there is no reason for him to stay in there too. When full-term labor starts naturally it's because the baby's lungs start a hormonal chain reaction when they are ready. And while, there will always be medical reasons for "taking over," I hope that won't need to happen for you.
ReplyDeleteYou absolutely made the right choice. Take it from someone who agreed to an induction prematurely & regret it. It's the one thing I wish I could take back. In hind sight I should have waited. You are having regular NSTs & you will know if you or your son are in a crisis situation. When the OB threatened you with that info about women in Africa, I bet he didn't mention that those women didn't have regular NSTs, blood work, blood pressure checks plus close easy access to emergency care. You have all of that. I hate that the medical system is taking away your joy at this stage.
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