Eight days

Tomorrow is the first day of school. This is the moment I had in my mind - my youngest starting kindergarten - through every pregnancy twinge, toddler meltdown, or pre-schooler rambunctious moment. Fall of 2019. Here we are. I’m trying to get everything in place and focus on this moment - but life has really thrown me some unpleasant curve balls lately.

Last Wednesday the hotel where I hold my event called to tell me that their renovations of the ballrooms where I hold my dances have stalled and I need to be prepared that I may not have a place for my event. WHAT. I had a major freak out and spent the day re-configuring the entire event to squeeze into their smaller conference rooms. I went there the following morning to have a look - by then the elusive electrical inspector had approved the permit and things were moving again, so it wasn’t looking quite so dire...but even now there is still a chance I won’t have the space I need for my event. So I’m very on edge and stressed. This is the kind of thing that could be torture to endure for the weekend and ruin my momentum moving forward. I’m just taking it day by day at the moment. Which is scary when there’s only eight working days left before d-day.

Then I went to Chicago this weekend for a singing gig and instead of arriving home Sunday night to unpack and relax and do a little work, ended up stranded in Atlanta overnight due to flight delays and got home at ten this morning. Luckily the BF took time off work and took the kids out so I could sleep and get myself together; but even then I stumbled through a Bobby doctor appointment, skipped his guitar lesson, fed them dinner, got all their school stuff labeled and sorted, gave them baths, while barely functional. I want to be there emotionally for this big moment in our lives. Maybe tomorrow will have to be that moment. 

Also, I kind of already had my “my baby’s growing up!!!” freak out last year when Theo started ETK. Maybe I’ll be spared that this year...? I guess we’ll find out in about twelve hours!

Last week

It’s the last week of summer camp. Already “first day of school” posts are appearing in my FB feed. Next Tuesday, that will be me.

I see friends my age that are on the opposite spectrum from me - here I am about to welcome my youngest to his first day of (real) school; some friends are on their last child’s last first day of school. That will be me in twelve years. How different life will be then! I’ll be (nearly) 60, hopefully my event will be in its mid-30s, hopefully my house will be long paid off. But here we are, at the beginning. This is the date I’ve had in my mind for years, dangled before me in the worst of the toddler days - fall, 2019, the year both my kids are in school.

I don’t mind admitting I felt slightly panicked this morning, thinking about it. What on earth am I going to do in just three weeks when my event is over and both kids are in school all day? Won’t I be bored and lonely? Well, somehow last year this wasn’t an issue - the time always manages to fill up. I’ve got band travel and endless house projects and next year’s event to plan. Not to mention my neglected registration system business, and my new tax routine, and a litany of other things that have been ignored for months. So, yeah, there will be a lot of catch up. 

This weekend I go to Chicago, then there’s a Monday with no school or camp, then the first day of school for LAUSD is Tuesday. With Theo in kindergarten, I basically hang around school for an orientation for a couple of hours and then pick him up at 11, so no work will be done for a second day. I am seriously going to hustle to get all the big projects done in the next four days so I can just focus on customer service until next Wednesday.

I am so dreading the early mornings. But maybe I can make them slightly less painful by changing our breakfast routine (right now very elaborate and complicated), not showering (I end up walking and then showering again two hours later anyway), laying out clothes the night before, etc. I’m sure I can get into a rhythm with our new reality. But for now I’m just going to bask in these last bittersweet moments. 

Good news

Got the word yesterday that the boys will be able to attend afterschool. Signed up today. Big sigh of relief! Having my usual misgivings about why, exactly, I need so much time away from them. But then I spend a weekend with them, and I’m like, yup. Boys are exhausting. Especially young boys close in age. 

Theo’s been trouble lately. And by “lately” I mean the last year. He’s super full of energy. Yesterday he got in trouble at camp for kicking another kid more than once - and in front of the kid’s mother, no less. He didn’t want to tell me who it was, but I guessed it was this one kid who, bless him, is kinda socially inept and follows Theo around and bugs him. I told him he needs to go to staff if someone’s bugging him and that it’s never ok to hurt someone or be mean to them. I was on pins and needles today worrying he didn’t get the message...turns out he kind of did. Apparently they got into it in the morning but then later in the day Theo went to staff about the kid bugging him. So...yay? I’m counting the days until they’re out of camp. Two more days this week and then next week and then we’re done. I am starting to feel like I need to be prepared to invest a lot more to send these kids to summer camp in years ahead - as in, three to four times more. Instead of just cheap government babysitting for the summer, maybe the kids need a real camp experience, like a swim camp or sport camp. I thought this was going to be a sport camp, but then they dropped that concept. So, I tried. Still, the kids enjoyed it, so I guess I shouldn’t feel too bad about it. 

I’ve got a lot of big decisions coming up the next couple of days for my event. Right now my brain can’t really cope. So I’m just gonna binge watch Catfish on MTV and try to pretend my event isn’t three weeks away. 

Midsummer

It is August. I feel like this summer has flown by much faster than others - just yesterday was the kids’ last day of school; tomorrow I go to pick up school supplies. I know people always say the summer has flown by, but yeah - this time, it’s for real.

Still no word about afterschool, but we may even start school before we hear anything. Or it may be a month or two or three or more before there are spots. Who knows? I still feel like most likely we’ll hear something next week and it will be good news. But I’m preparing mentally just in case. Maybe it’ll be like when our babysitter said she couldn’t do any of these weekend trips for me anymore - it seemed like the worst calamity on earth at the time, but it ended up being a good thing; it saves me a ton of money, and the boys get to spend time with the BF and he’s forced to not work so much. We’ll see.

I feel like the event is relatively under control, but I also know about false “calm before the storm” moments. There is still a ton of work to do, most of which has to wait until the last minute, when it will be hot and I’ll be stressed and may have kids home at 2 every day instead of 6. So...yeah. One bit of good news scheduling is that for the first time in years I will not get my period the day the event starts. What a delight that will be not to be in a murderous hormone-induced rage for several days before the event. 

I’m glad the boys have enjoyed their camp, but I don’t think I’ll be sending them there again. Every time I go there it seems like it’s just a bunch of bored teenagers hanging out - nobody really seems to be in charge, and I feel like the kids are picking up some bad habits/language there. But at the same time I’m very mindful of the fact that, with the exception of our very white, very privileged elementary school, the demographic of our actual neighborhood is very different (working class Latino) and I think it’s important for the boys to be a part of that. I grew up in rough places with rough people and it teaches you a few things - mainly, that it’s not all about you. I like that my kids are often the only white kids in a situation. I think that’s important. And the camp doesn’t feel unsafe particularly, otherwise they wouldn’t be there. But I’d like them to be somewhere that maybe isn’t quite so Lord of the Flies in structure. Thankfully I’ll have a whole year to figure this out.

For now I’m doing my little workouts (have not lost a pound), slowly pecking away at event-related work, making plans for the future, and just taking things day by day.

That time of the year

There are three more weeks of summer camp before school starts on the 20th. Then two weeks before my event. I’m starting to get random waves of nausea, am not sleeping well, and am having anxiety dreams. It’s that time of the year.

Today I had in my calendar to go to the rec center to sign up for the afterschool program for both boys - it’s opening day for registration. I went after lunch and was informed that it was full. Full! Apparently there was a long line into the office at 8 AM and all the spots filled up immediately. This is the same place that two years ago always had availability. Last year they were full by the first day of school...this year it filled up in minutes. I don’t know why I’m surprised; my event is having a similar trajectory. However, I am now screwed. 

I spent the entire afternoon filling out forms and scrounging around for options only to discover the only other option - the crazy expensive STAR program - is also full and has been since school ended. 

I emailed the rec center director and she told me she’ll look at the list and see what she can do, but won’t know anything until next week. I’d like to think she’ll squeeze us in just because we’ve been using all their services for years - camps, preschool, after school - and luckily my kids are easy and well liked by the staff. But I know all of this means nothing if they just don’t have the staff or budget. 

So I’ve been trying to reconcile myself to a very different school year. I’m very fortunate that I don’t need afterschool care - only just for my mental health. I can technically pick them up every day. But the hard times are when I travel, and these first two weeks of school before my event. I remember how hard it was for three months picking up Theo at 2, 1 and occasionally noon after school last year; the idea of having two rambunctious boys running amock for hours every day while I can’t get anything done positively fills me with dread. Also, it’s no joke asking the BF to leave work at noon or one to pick up kids every couple of weeks when I’m out of town. I mean...he can do it. But ugh. 

I’m trying to make an attitude adjustment. It’ll be fun! Our evenings will be more relaxed! I can bake cookies! They can do chores! They’ll be getting older and easier all the time! It’ll be ok! But yeah, trying really hard to fight off despair. What on earth would I do if I had a 9-5 job??? I can’t even think about it. 

It’s funny because I’m on exactly the other end in my work - my whole life right now is dealing with endless desperate emails from people wanting in to my full contests and our full hotel block. The people pleaser in me is not pleased. Maybe that’s what the nausea is about. 

Hawaii

Vacations are a fascinating magnifying glass look into your life. Everything is intensified - the highs are higher and the lows are lower. And yet we insist on doing this to ourselves. Maybe we’re bored? 

We have only two more nights here on Oahu. So far the highlights have been:

Swimming in a waterfall at Waimea valley

Today’s snorkeling at Shark’s Cove

Our magical yurt stay (four nights there, now we’re in a pretty dumpy beach cottage on Oahu’s north shore)

Bobby getting more confident in his swimming and having a blast in the waves

The not so great parts have been:

Both kids, but Theo in particular, being exceptionally whiny, complaining, and ill-behaved. I feel like all we’ve been doing is angrily barking out orders that are completely ignored and then meting out punishments. But then I look around and all I see is mothers  grabbing kids’ arms and leaning down and hissing in kids’ ears full of rage, so apparently everyone is having the same vacation we are.

Theo may in fact be sick. He was running a fever for a couple of nights and appeared to have swollen lymph nodes - we were seconds away from packing him off to an ER one night - but seems to have rallied at this point. It would explain his exceptional crankiness.

We are also having to make Bobby sit on the toilet to poop after every meal and in the morning and at night, all so he doesn’t soil himself, which he’s done a couple of times anyway. It’s fucking exhausting. 

My birthday was a bit of a hot mess. The BF as usual did not plan ahead and spent much of the day wasting time frantically trying to come up with something for us to do - it ended up being a desultory trip to Waikiki involving a glass bottom boat ride (we saw absolutely nothing - but it was fun being on a boat) and a cheesy magic show plus dinner which was all meat and therefore inedible to me. The kids got a kick out of it so it wasn’t a total loss but...yeah. He also had a complete freak out meltdown trying to find the magic show during which I had to say to him, “hey! Don’t you dare say ‘what the fuck’ to me!” and had to confront him for the bajillionth time about his smoking, which has been way out of control on this trip. He agreed to dial it back. On trips like this I see how incredibly high maintenance and helpless he is, and also how badly he handles stress. I’ve had to bail us out and take over much of the time here, which is typical for us. Normally I don’t mind being the leader - I’m comfortable in that role - but I had hoped he could handle some planning for once. Clearly he can’t so I won’t let that happen again. 

So we had a couple of pretty shitty days and I was feeling pretty down about it. And yet he’s done so much right on this trip and been such a help and loving dad to these kids. It makes me feel like an asshole for fixating on that one moment he snapped and wiping out the 1,000 things he did right, forgetting how totally impossible a trip like this would be without another committed parent-figure (trust me - with two barely swimming kids on a beach, you really, really need two adults!).

Much to my (expected) horror, our new beach cottage is full of giant waterbugs. He killed many of them last night. I for sure could not have handled that on my own without completely losing it. I could picture myself throwing sleeping kids in the car and high-tailing it to the nearest Marriott.

I’ve decided relationships are a lot like trips to Hawaii. Beautiful beaches, soft breezes, shave ice, waterfalls, tacos...and waterbugs. You kind of can’t have this beautiful place without the nasty tropical underbelly. Doesn’t mean you have to love the waterbugs...you just have to accept they’re there and try to focus on the good stuff. 

Aging

In a week I’ll be on Oahu in a yurt. There I will ring in my 47th birthday. 

I realize I’m still “young”. But I feel old and out of it. I’m having a hard time with aging at the moment. I think part of it is because culture is moving so quickly right now, it’s impossible to keep up, and that causes a certain panic that I’ve recognized in older people before. Add this to my rapidly diminishing eyesight, my inability to lose weight, and fear of oncoming menopause, and yeah - not feeling the whole aging thing.

Still - I need to think about the positives of being this age, especially on the heels of good choices I made as a younger person. I bought a house when it was still possible in LA, and hopefully that house will be paid off by the time I’m 52. Then I will have lots of options for myself and college for the kids. I started a business in my 20s, toughed it out through the hard times, and am now reaping the benefits of two decades of hard work. I had two children that will hopefully be a comfort to me in my old age. Being older isn’t all terrible. In fact, it’s mostly great. I signed up for more personal training sessions, am going to start running, and will double down on my diet once I get back from our trip. I’m not going to go quietly into that dark night, not yet. 

The boys and I had an enjoyable beach day on our own today. Boy, are beach days less physically demanding now that I have help carrying stuff and don’t have babies strapped to me! They played well together and then we went to the In N Out where you can watch airplanes land at LAX, then home. 

Theo is attempting no pull ups tonight, on his own incentive. Hold the good thought for us!