The Letter

Got back from walking the dog yesterday to another letter from my old clinic.  Since they’d already sent me the “congratulations on your pregnancy!” letter, I had an ominous feeling as I opened it.  And sure enough, there it was – my donor is no longer donating, there isn’t much of "him” left, so if I want to reserve vials for future siblings, I have to do it NOW. 

So rather than having a year and a half to two years to decide on baby #2, if I want full siblings I have to make that decision now, and pay for it.  I also am in the odd position of banking on my future fertility – I have to decide now how many “tries” it will take as a 40 or 41-year-old woman, taking into account possible miscarriages as well. 

I’m not comfortable closing the door on a possible sibling – and I feel like I’ll regret it if I don’t at least give myself the chance with the same donor so my children can be full siblings.  After all if I use up all the vials of this guy it doesn’t mean I can’t ever have another kid; it just means they’ll be half-siblings.  But boy does it put the pressure on!  Also I have to now cough up several thousand dollars at a time when I’m the most broke I’ve been in nearly ten years.

I have two weeks to make a decision, but I figure the earlier the better – I’ll give them a call Monday and fork over my credit card number.  I will go for three or four vials; three was all it took last time, and considering one try was useless because we hadn’t figured out I wasn’t even ovulating, and the second resulted in a chemical pregnancy, I feel like three or four ought to cover it (assuming my fertility doesn’t take a serious nose dive in the next 12-18 months).  The sucky part is there’s no refunds – if I change my mind, if I can’t ever have another baby, I don’t get my money back.  Which I understand, but it sucks for me since those things are a possibility. 

The good news is I know this guy can get me pregnant (he did it twice), I have a protocol that I know works (and is cheap – the only cost is close monitoring, which runs about $300 a month), and if I pay for the vials now, I save that cost later, so the IUIs themselves should only run a few hundred instead of over a thousand, which might be a really terrific savings at the time.  I’m all about paying up front for things and reaping the benefits later.

I’m really glad the clinic at least alerted me to the fact that my donor was “retiring” (they said he had chosen to no longer donate – maybe he got some girlfriend who was creeped out by it!) since it had been on my mind lately that I should probably make a call to check how much of “him” was left.  Also since he only donated a short time this makes me think there won’t be 100 siblings out there (not that they would allow this anyway…but I get the feeling he wasn’t very popular).

Now I just have to magically create the money to put “him” on ice for a couple of years.  I am seriously considering taking out a loan from my 401K.  If they give me enough time (5 years…?) I could pay it back quite easily, and if the interest rate is better than my lines of credit it’s probably the best source of money I have right now.  I’ll call to check all these things Monday.  I am also seriously considering using some of that money for a down payment on a new car.  The idea of struggling with my two-door with the tiny back seat that I’m not even convinced can hold a car seat, plus the massive repairs my current car needs, and the tiny and inconvenient trunk, makes me really want to just take the plunge and invest in a (cheap) practical car that will make my life SO much easier with a baby.  And again, shopping for a new car with an infant in tow, when I’m exhausted and broke and busy preparing for the next event does not appeal to me on any level.  Getting my old car sold and a new one on board now sounds a lot better.  The car I’m interested in could also handle two kids.

So, once again fate has forced my hand.  I guess I’m trying for #2 whether I want to or not!  It’s funny how the decision to try for #2 is just as irrational as the decision to try for #1 – it will exhaust you, drain all your money, and be a real handful for several years.  And yet the idea of just letting the opportunity pass is totally unacceptable to me.  I have to at least TRY.  So, Mr. Retired Donor, your ass is mine (literally).