Still thinking about the issues I brought up yesterday. I have to say I’m a bit tormented at the moment – and it’s entirely hormonal-based; I have absolutely no reason to be unhappy about anything, and I accept this. Yet I have a bunch of issues swirling around in my head and they’re giving me a lot of unrest.
Thanks, Shannon, for reminding me that the weirdness and mixed messages don’t stop when you have the baby! I think that’s an excellent tactic is just to take the advice that works for you and leave the rest behind. I truly believe I will get a handle on this excessive information at some point and learn how to filter – or at least learn how to not let it all bother me so much. I’ve been able to do this in other aspects of my life – I mean, I get critical e-mails about my event all the time, and as much as yes, they bother me, I’ve learned to tune them out, because in fifteen years I’ve never once gotten a useful suggestion from a customer. I look at all the moms around me – friends, and also my own mother – and I feel like despite how educated and researched and informed many are, that I can’t escape the impression that everyone’s just thrashing around in the dark. All healthcare related stuff is like this. One minute this is the cure-all; the next it’s bad for you and there’s some other cure-all. Or one person’s cure-all doesn’t work for your kid, or it works for your kid, but only for a short time and then it doesn’t work anymore.
One thing I think may be truly helpful to me is reading some child brain development books. What I really want to know is where my kid is at as far as normal brain development at each phase – what can he understand, and when? When is something just beyond his comprehension level? When is some behavior a normal part of development, and when isn’t it? Again, not that there are necessarily definitive answers on any of this stuff, but a ballpark would be nice.
Last night the concept of raising vegetarian children came up, and I admitted I’m conflicted. I mean, I have no intention of cooking meat for my son, but do we go vegetarian all the time? Do I let him have a hot dog if we go to a carnival? Do I slip lunch meat into his sandwiches for school? I was told that a vegetarian child just can’t get the fat he needs and that even the crunchiest granola-iest pediatricians say the kids can’t go without meat. Then I look at some men I know that have never tasted meat in their lives and yet have grown up to be strapping young men. But again too do I want my kid to be the weird vegetarian kid at the parties who can’t eat this or that? My kid is going to be weird enough. Do I want to single him out even more? But then if my vegetarianism is about animal cruelty, what kind of a message is that that mommy won’t eat animals because it’s mean but it’s ok if you do? I just don’t know. Leaning towards the you-can-eat-meat-out-of-the-house thing, though, and then if he decides later that he wants to go veg of his own accord, that’s his choice, and not something I foisted upon him. I can live with that.
Ditto my atheism. Can a little kid comprehend that when grandma died she just died and that’s it, that she’s not in a better place, not watching over us, etc? Should I bullshit my kid into believing in things that I don’t believe in just because it’s more comforting? I can do this if necessary. I just don’t know what’s right. Maybe it’s all in how you say it, huh? And on another note…do I let my kid believe in Santa Claus because it’s a fun magical aspect of childhood and take the risk of him feeling lied to, or just nip that in the bud early and not allow it? I believe children should be allowed to be kids, that cynicism and doubt and the real darkness of life is reserved for adulthood (or for teenagers). But at what point are you just deceiving your kids and not setting them up for realistic expectations of the real world? The real world crashes in soon enough. Shouldn’t they be somewhat prepared for this? And what’s the right age for that?
Found a thread on my WTE app the other day that I can’t stop thinking about – it was the hotly debated topic about what to do when your toddler starts biting. I was shocked – and I mean shocked – when the general consensus was to BITE THEM BACK. Um…what? Yet every woman on there insists it’s the only way, that the child doesn’t understand biting hurts until they feel it themselves, and they’re too little to be reasoned with. Even some live parents I’ve talked to about this issue at least partially agree. But isn’t that the same as hitting a kid who hits, while telling them not to hit? SO confusing. I have to admit I live in terror of the toddler years. I think having a squishy baby will be fun, but when they start saying “no” and destroying everything and having temper tantrums…ugh! I have NO idea how to handle all that (believe me, I’ll be reading about this!). And yet that’s the age my son will have to be if I decide to try to have another baby. Am I insane??? Again…can’t I just give birth to a ten-year-old who likes to sit quietly and read or play guitar or something?
I’m sure once I actually try to inform myself that I’ll feel like I have a better handle on all these issues. Parenting classes, books, all will help me sort out some kind of strategy. And I fully understand everything is different for everyone, and every kid is different, and even that same kid will be different at different ages. But it sure all scares the crap out of me, I’ll admit.
I also live as a vegetarian in my home (I simply get grossed out by meat), and occasionally eat chicken or fish at restaurants. As a child, I was often forced to eat "three bites of meat" during family dinners. My parents, tired of my gagging sounds, finally gave up that battle when I was in third grade. Growing up, I still managed to get enough protein/fat/iron from eggs and dairy products (I was a bit of a yogurt/spinach addict). So, I suppose it just depends on how strict of a vegetarian you really are.
ReplyDeleteFor what's it worth my thoughts on the three issues:
ReplyDelete1) eat as you normally would, but allow your child the choice of whether or not to eat meat (and just so you know, I have cared for a perfectly healthy and plump infant vegetarian [maybe even vegan?] and know of two healthy children that have been, at least mostly, vegetarian since birth)
2) don't pretend to believe something you don't for your child's sake or expect them to buy into something that you don't (I now consider myself agnostic, but had a lot of strife trying to figure out what I believed in during my childhood; this is why I intend to raise my child in an Unitarian Universalist Church - their religious education program introduces children to different beliefs and faiths and they decide what to believe or not)
3) the advice to bite back is WRONG (I say this not only from my personal beliefs, but also as a child development instructor).
It's great that you are thinking about these things. I am sure it is overwhelming (and will only get worse). But way too many people aren't thoughtful parents.
had to also chime in like Jen:
ReplyDelete1) I was raised Vegetarian (not Vegan) and have been healthy all my life and actually quite strong...and because that's how I was raised (I will eat chicken outside of the home depending on if I'm invited somewhere or not...my vegetarianism was a result of religious beliefs...even though we can eat the clean meats) it's the way I know how to cook so Tigger is being raised Vegetarian as well. She is healthy...albeit I'm always trying to fatten her up because she is slim....my bone structure and Spanish curves just gave me a different make-up. If this is important to you, then there are resources to help you out with nutrition for your little one. Plus you and I live in CA, mecca for vegetarianism and vegan living. It's easy to eat Veggie out here....trust me, I lived in TX for 4 years.
2. I can't fathom not teaching my child something I don't believe in...so I don't think you should be expected to either. Decide what is important as life philosophy for your family and be proud of it as you mold and raise your son.
3. Absolutely appalled that people would think to bite back a toddler. No, that is not appropriate....and I would have had Tigger re-homed (since I adopted from the foster care system, because that is also against the rules) by the social worker. Buy/Get from the library books on discipline that jive with your child rearing philosophy. My favorites have been "love & Logic" (for the older kid) and "The Positive behavior" book. To me, most of the suggestions align with my thoughts.
and my 2 cents worth
I am a reader. I read up on discipline, adoption, child rearing, (I'm a speech therapist so I was obviously obsessed with her language development) etc....and at the end of the day, they are just books and they won't help 100%. Take what works, use it, and don't feel guilty if something doesn't work. Your child is unique and will thrive differently than another's child. It's an adventure.
I remember sitting in a developmental psychology class in college and wondering how my parents ever raised me without knowing all this stuff. Granted I plan on raising my child completely different from how I was raised. I don't think my parents were "wrong," I think they raised me to the best they knew how and I turned out fine. I will raise my daughter the best I know how and I'm sure she will turn out fine. I haven't read a single book on parenting, or pregnancy for that matter. I'm just winging it and learning what I can from the women I know who are themselves mothers. People were raising kids long before there were books on parenting. I'm sure I'll make mistakes, and my daughter will probably grow up and raise her children completely different from how she was raised. I think we all instinctively know what to do, that's what lead us to be mothers and while we'll make mistakes we will do what we feel is best for our kids and they will turn out just fine.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to do the "No meat at home, but you can eat it if you want" rule.
ReplyDeleteFor biting, my mom would use her thumb to gently press down on my brother's lower teeth while saying "Don't bite!" This way he associated teeth with what he had done wrong, and it worked really well.
The religion bit will be tricky for me, because one brother and wife are religious and teach their daughter about heaven, etc. The other brother and wife are atheist (no kids yet), and I'm agnostic. So our kids will definitely be hearing different things and probably comparing stories. How will we handle sitting around reading the Christmas Story out of the Bible on Christmas Eve? No idea. We have a few years before we have to figure that out, though.