Choice Moms Unite!

I went to the Choice Mom Los Angeles Conference yesterday, which I’d been looking forward to for some time.  It was a really great experience.  You know that feeling when you’re so fired up you feel adrenaline rushing through your body and you talk really fast and gesticulate a lot?  That’s how I felt all day.  I wanted to comment on everything, but instead decided to (for the most part) keep my mouth shut and listen, because there were experienced moms there who had a lot of great input.

We met in a hotel conference room; there were I’d say 20 or so women there from all walks of life.  Two of us pregnant, about five moms (one with a week old infant!), and the rest Thinkers just testing the waters.  I finally got to meet Mikki, a personal hero of mine (she wrote Choosing Single Motherhood and runs the Choice Moms website – I’m sure a ton of work with very little return).  Honestly I could have spent a week with these ladies, there was so much to talk about and learn from each other.  I was especially fascinated by the friends who both used the same donor and had sons that were growing up as half-siblings (boy what I wouldn’t give to have a friend doing this with my donor at the same time – what fun!), and the conversation with a therapist about how to explain your “situation” to your child.  She said it’s best not to use words like “father” or “dad”, which gave me pause, because I had planned on referring to the donor as “your donor dad” and occasionally referencing “on your dad’s side…etc” but now I’m thinking twice about that.  Is it weird to talk to your child about his donor’s side of the family, their cultural background, their Judaism?  I don’t want my son to feel like he knows my whole family’s story and background but one half of him is a big black hole (this is how I always felt about my father, who I knew very little about).  I admit I’ve been a bit flippant on this issue.  I think I have some reading to do!

I was surprised that three of the women I had private conversations with were planning on, or already trying with, a known donor (ie, someone they know but who will not be involved in the child’s life, or have very limited involvement).  I believe to each his own, and I know I considered this for about half a second (like finding a nice gay couple to share parenting with, etc), but personally now that I’ve gone the way I have I can’t imagine anything more stressful than trying to do this with a friend or acquaintance, especially in the case of the person having NO involvement.  I would be so scared he would change his mind and want shared custody…or bring other people into the parent/child relationship that I’m not comfortable with (girlfriend, boyfriend)…or disappoint my child…or agree to some involvement and then change his mind and my child would feel abandoned and rejected.  I just think arrangements like that could be a whole can of worms.  But hey, fresh sperm is way easier to work with, so maybe they’re on to something.

As is always the case with Choice Mom conversations, just about everyone said they wished they hadn’t waited so long.  There were lots of stories of women wanting baby #2 but not being able to have one…which certainly struck a chord with me, considering the $$ I’m going to fork over tomorrow just for the chance at #2.  I’m fascinated by the desire people have for two children.  As an outsider you’d think, “come on, you have one already, didn’t that meet your biological needs?  Isn’t one enough?”  But just about every mother I’ve ever talked to, Choice Mom or not, has expressed to me a desire for a second child and serious regrets if they never had one.  I swear it’s got to be that biological “must replace both parents” thing, because on every other level it makes no sense. 

I did get on my political high horse when the subject of dating came up.  Most women there said they did still want to meet someone.  And of course I can’t say I DON’T want to meet someone…I think for me the most accurate statement would be I don’t CARE if I meet someone.  I brought up the fact that I still bristle at the notion that we’re not complete – STILL, even with a child – until we’re tethered to some man; that even after achieving a healthy child on our own we still have to take up the hunt to find a life partner, even though those relationships rarely last a lifetime and often end amidst much bitterness.  That somehow we’re STILL not enough even after we’ve done this amazing, ballsy thing.  Nope.  We still aren’t a whole person until we put on a white dress and walk down an aisle.  What the f?  I mean, I'm a grown-ass woman, I don't need somebody taking care of me and doting on me like I'm some infant.

But then I thought about how I am curious about the younger choice moms – say, women under 35, or especially women under 30.  Part of me thinks, “don’t you want to hold out a little longer to see if you’ll meet someone?  You still have time.”  And why on earth would I think that, if I’m telling myself adult love relationships are so inconsequential?  Why can’t a 26-year-old woman who feels ready and equipped take on single motherhood by choice?  She probably won’t have to worry about fertility issues, and will have all the time in the world to decide on more children, two luxuries I’ll never have.  So why would that be the first thought to enter my mind when I hear about young women doing this?  Obviously I am still somewhat conflicted…or brainwashed!

In other news I drove down to Bellflower today to buy a cute 1950s crib called a “Port-A-Crib”.  It was super cheap and I didn’t have to pay for shipping, so I just went for it.  I am terrified people will judge me for it, say it’s not safe, it’s toxic, it’s a really bad idea.  But I always go back to that “people used this for years and it was just fine” argument (I do believe we’re a little psychotic about protecting our children these days), and am taking steps to spruce it up – I’ll thoroughly clean it, replace the rusted hardware, and use non-toxic paint over the bits that can’t otherwise be salvaged.  AND the baby probably won’t ever spend any time in it anyway – he’ll sleep with me for the first months or year in the co-sleeper, and after that who knows.  I may end up using it just as a decorative item.  But there’s something about modern nurseries/baby stuff that just totally turns me off.  Other than things like car seats that have to be modern and new for real safety reasons, everything else is just so damned generic.  I want things to be different around here – I want to broadcast the message, “we’re different in this house,” as if my situation isn’t different enough.  Am I crazy?  Will I regret this later?  Probably.  But for now it was cheap so I thought, what the heck?  I am also planning on shelling out for a nifty 1940’s baby carriage that also may never be used for anything but décor.  I feel the need to buy things for myself & my baby that reflect who I want us to be.  Something about having friends buy/loan me all their modern stuff without my being able to put my personal touch on things kind of bums me out.  So I’ve allowed myself a few cheap items just for my own amusement, even if they end up at Goodwill in a year.

I find I use the Doppler less and less these days as I feel the baby move on a pretty regular basis.  It is still very subtle, and if I didn’t know better I’d think it was just gas bubbles, but now I recognize the difference.  The other night I couldn’t sleep because my mind was just racing, obsessing on, of all things, where to find vintage-looking elephant stencils for the walls, or if I should just create some myself.  I think I am going to go for the post-WWII Japanese elephant theme.  I’m a fan of obscure themes – when I worked in a vintage clothing store I once designed a window display I called “Germaine Greer vs. Betty Friedan”.  I don’t think anybody got the reference, but I enjoyed it.  I already have blue & gray paint picked out, I just need someone to come over and move some furniture for me so I can get started.  This is one area where men do come in handy!