Updated list of fears for the new trimester

I’ve been mentally compiling a list of new(ish) fears based on new information/1^st trimester fears being no longer relevant.  I’d like to point out that I am not at all sitting around worrying about these things; as you know I’m pretty zen and peaceful for the most part (having successfully convinced myself that I will never actually have to birth this baby, that he/she will just sort of magically appear):

I have a fear of not being prepared – of not having/bringing things to the hospital that I’ll really need, and not having things at home that I’ll really need.  I keep reminding myself that in nature all a baby needs is your breast milk and something warm to be wrapped in; still, I feel like somehow stuff is going to fall through the cracks.  I’m sure this instinct is what leads women to get into “tons of stuff” mode.

Fear of post-partum depression.  I think I can manage it if it happens – I mean, I’m mentally prepared for my brain to play tricks on me; I have no intention of throwing the baby out the window even if my brain tells me to.  But just like every other woman in the world, I’d rather spend the first few months of my baby’s life enjoying him/her and feeling like I’ve experienced a wonderful miracle rather than battling crazy thoughts and depression.

Fear of yukky physical stuff.  There are lots of “what do I need to know” posts on the March 2012 WTE boards, and they’re pretty gnarly – all about the stitches, the bleeding (for weeks, apparently), the pain, the trouble breastfeeding, the cracked nipples, the crying when you poop because it hurts so bad, oh, all that fun stuff.  I know it’s inevitable and all women go through it and you just deal, but UGH.  I sure hope those hormones kick in HARD to make me not care about anything but the baby!

Speaking of bonding hormones – I have this weird fear, and it’s one I think about a lot, that somehow I won’t bond with the baby.  I don’t know where this is coming from (no doubt my experience with my mother – pretty much everything goes back to that, doesn’t it?), but the thing I worry about most is not feeling what you’re “supposed” to feel.  Maybe it’s just because I don’t feel it yet, and that makes me think I never will, which is almost impossible.  But there’s always been a part of me that’s worried I’m not normal physically – when I was 13 and hadn’t gotten my period yet and all my friends had I was convinced I just never would, that there was something wrong with me; I certainly had the fear in the whole TTC process that I had some abnormality and could never be pregnant (and it turns out I kind of did, but luckily it was minor and treatable); now the fear is I won’t get that rush of oxytosin and will just look at my new baby like, “Yup.  There he is,” and not feel anything.  That the child and I will be like roommates in this house – me taking care of him/her because I’m supposed to, but never feeling that intense love everyone talks about.  Crazy, huh?  Especially when I think I know my mother didn’t (always) feel this way about us; there were absolutely times when she acted like an actual mother and seemed to enjoy parenting, mostly in the early years.  Every time I think this, though, I remind myself how I feel about my little doggie – she’s a little old cranky Chihuahua I adopted three years ago, and as far as I’m concerned the sun rises and sets out of her ass.  I want nothing more than to kiss her head, scratch her butt, and smell her until there’s no smell left.  I miss her when she’s at the kennel and hold her close whenever I’m sad.  I live in terror of the day she dies, which, at her age, could be any time.  If I can feel this way about an adult dog I didn’t even raise and haven’t even known that long, SURELY I can muster some feeling for my own flesh and blood that I conceived and birthed, no?