So I think the denial has to end in at least one respect. I for sure am looking pregnant now. I’m so glad I had a tendency to wear tent-like things before, because a lot of my clothes still fit. Bottoms are a bit of a problem, but for now my one pair of maternity jeans will suffice, mixed in with dresses and skirts (may get a maternity jean skirt from Old Navy online – I would wear the heck out of that). Last night I for realz went out dancing – as in, got dressed up, paid $20, had a normal night out at a dance at which I wasn’t DJing, judging or running a contest, singing, or organizing in some way. Some people there know I’m pregnant, some don’t. The Facebook friend who recently had the late term miscarriage was there. I wondered if she could tell, and if it was a stab in her heart. I worried about this. But then I remembered that my being pregnant, as a single woman who is never dating anyone, is the last thing anyone would think. So my guess is no; anyone who even noticed probably just thought I was wearing an unflattering outfit or had been packing on the pounds lately. I know women who are mortified by this thought, but I don’t mind – they’ll all know the truth soon enough!
I e-mailed the family my latest ultrasound pics. I found it interesting that unlike all of my other relatives, my mother’s e-mail isn’t in my contact list so I had to look up my last e-mail to her to find it. We had sort of an odd moment after I e-mailed everyone my 12 week picture…she wrote back that she has a “friend” here in SoCal who wanted to give away a crib. I’m sure this friend is someone she only knows online (like all of her friends) and is no doubt involved in my former “cult”. I wrote back truthfully that I didn’t know if I wanted a crib yet because I’d probably do a co-sleeping arrangement for a while. My mother then wrote me back that, well, this friend really wanted to meet me, that she’d told the friend all about my event and she wanted to know more about it. I didn’t know what to do with this information – at the time I was still pretty sick, and the idea of driving all over the place (I mean, Southern California can mean just about anything – from fifteen minutes away to three hours away) was really unappealing to me, plus getting some random crib that I don’t want, plus meeting some strange woman who no doubt will report everything about me back to my mother…the whole thing just gave me the creeps. So rather than insisting I was not interested in meeting this person (couldn’t think of a way to say this via e-mail that wouldn’t sound impossibly rude) I did my usual passive-aggressive thing and just ignored her. Luckily she didn’t pursue it, hopefully understanding she’d gone too far. But then my sister told me that she’d met up with my mother’s cousin who was shocked that my mother, who she’s in touch with on a regular basis, never mentioned my pregnancy to her. Which made me think my mother was mad at me somehow…even though I know her not mentioning it could mean anything, and most likely meant my pregnancy just isn’t that important to her (she is a narcissist after all!). So yesterday I sent the 17 week pictures wondering if my mother would respond, being prepared emotionally if she doesn’t. I mean, I’m onto her, you know? I understand not to take anything from her personally, because she’s not in her right mind. She can be weird/disappear/lash out all she wants; that’s her problem and has nothing to do with me. But still of course I’d like things to be at least cordial between us. So I have to admit it was with a sigh of relief that I got her response today, guessing I’m having a girl. Another crisis averted, whew!
So now I have the issue of friends wanting to come to the gender ultrasound with me. The one friend who reads this blog, I’m not talking about you, it’s the other one, you know who I mean. She sent me a lovely e-mail saying that in her tradition it’s all about community and joyful events should be shared, etc, which I really thought was sweet. However I’m just not convinced I really want someone there. I keep mulling it over. This whole exercise has been such a solitary experience, because I’ve wanted it to be. It is just about me and the kid when you get right down to it. So, the question is do I share the “gender reveal” with (at least one friend), or do I do it alone? Or meet up with people later? I will have to ponder this one a little. I had a dream last night that this same friend coerced me into running a workshop for her and hardly anyone showed up and I lost a bunch of money and was all pissed off. Is this a sign…?
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