My Doppler arrived yesterday. It was amazingly simple to use. Within about 30 seconds I had it out of the box, juiced up, and was listening to the baby’s heartbeat which sounded suspiciously like the sounds the pods made in the 70s remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. But there it was. Baby alive & kicking. I have to say that was the best $50 I’ve ever spent.
Just used it again now. It’s funny, I feel kind of guilty using it, like I’m cheating or something. And I find myself asking, “don’t you want to save it for later?” like I have to pay by the use or something. I mean, barring replacement of batteries and gel, I could sit and listen to it all day if I wanted to, why not? The last two days the baby has been on the left side, low in my belly. Which is funny when I still have all these achy/pully sensations on the right side, so psychologically I always think the baby is there, when he/she’s not. Also it’s hard to get a proper reading on heartbeat rate – it goes up and down from about 120 to 165 or so and never really seems to settle, but I know this is normal and not a reflection of the actual heartbeat rate, just the machine trying to get a reading. The sound meter I use for my dance contests does the same thing. Boy I wish they had in-home ultrasounds. Wouldn’t that be fun? It would be Baby TV all day around here. My favorite show’s on! And no commercials!
I am officially an avocado this week. How an avocado is bigger than a navel orange I don’t know…but the whole fruit thing is kind of fun so I just go with it. Had pretty bad nausea yesterday which prohibited me from going out dancing, but I did manage dinner with my Mom Guru friend. She said she thought I’d be an excellent candidate for Hypno Babies, so I think I will try it. At this stage in the game, though, I’m still thinking drugs. Maybe I’ll get over that as I do more research. I mean, I’ve watched The Business of Being Born, I feel pretty well informed on the issues…but then I read people’s personal stories about childbirth and so many women went natural for #1 and then went with the epidural for #2, which makes me question how great natural childbirth really is. I mean, you can’t tell me tons of babies are damaged by birthing pain meds – maybe the occasional horror story, but for the most part everyone turns out just fine, and the mothers suffer less. And as I always say, I’m old and I want to be comfortable. If it doesn’t hurt the baby and may even allow me to relax, rest, and dilate some more, then what’s the harm? But I’m still willing to look at all angles. I do have some time for this, thank goodness. But I refuse to be guilted into putting myself through horrendous pain just because a bunch of hippies want me to.
Made an appointment with a Kaiser midwife that a couple of friends used and just loved. I was encouraged because the nurse on the phone who made the appointment just gushed – “she’s wonderful,” she said, “she birthed both of my babies. You’re going to love her.” Sold! So I still keep my next two appointments with the ob – one in about two weeks, and the gender scan early November. Still not sure what is the etiquette as far as “breaking up” with the ob – do I not see him anymore? Do I see them both? After the ob appointment they’ll want to make more appointments, I’m sure – do I just go along with it like, “sure, I’d love to do coffee next week,” or do I tell them then I’m switching to someone else? Or does that not apply because I’m supposed to see them concurrently? So many questions.
My friend also told me not to leave too much to the 3rd trimester. Not because of physical issues, but mental issues. She said I’ll have a lot on my mind and it will feel better to have everything in place (ie, the nursery) by then, when I’ll be too busy thinking about birth and taking classes, etc. Good point. So maybe I can set a goal for myself to get as much done as I can before the end of the year.
I also am having serious second thoughts about baby #2. I realize it’s totally ridiculous to be thinking about this at all, but it’s constantly on my mind. And it makes me sad when I think if I were just a few years younger and/or married it wouldn’t even be an issue – but being single and on the edge of 40 makes it all the more urgent. Mainly I just don’t think I could survive those three months of crushing nausea and have to take care of a toddler. I think it would be totally impossible without round-the-clock help which I couldn’t get. So it comes down to, do I rob my first born of my full attention and capacity to provide him/her with the lifetime gift of a sibling, or do I put all my love and focus on one child and just be happy with that? It’s a real conundrum. In the end it will probably be decided for me, though, as things often are. I may get into this one’s life and think, “oh, hell no could I handle two,” and that’ll be it. Or I’ll try for #2 but never get pregnant again (a distinct possibility) or just not be able to afford to even try. Still that drive is there. I truly believe we’re all wired for two kids even though it’s not logical – it’s the biological need to provide a replacement for both parents. In an ideal world I’d have two lovely children. But it just may not be in the cards for me, and I’m ok with that. I’m extremely grateful that I get to have one, believe me.
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