Yesterday I spent the day with a friend who, when I mentioned one of my tires was going flat, very kindly offered to go with me right then to get it replaced, even though we were supposed to go on a walk/see a movie/have lunch. We did end up doing two of those things, but it was awfully nice of her to sacrifice part of our day together for my mundane but very important errand (as it turned out the tire was about to blow any minute, and considering I have to drive to San Diego alone Saturday night, returning at about 2 AM, I knew it had to be fixed before that trip!).
I went on and on about how she MUST see the OWN documentary Miss Representation. She has a long history of social justice/activism so I knew it would be right up her alley. I also had two single/childless girlfriends over Sunday night to watch it (and stuff our feelings with my home baked blueberry buckle cake). This then lead to a three hour man bashing session which felt great. Keep in mind the documentary does not man bash at all, which I think is one of its strengths. But in the privacy of your own home, with like-minded women who have been through the same torture known as “dating over 30” it’s great to just VENT. It’s amazing how (some) of the men in our lives have tried or succeeded in crushing our wills, diminishing our self-esteem, and causing us to be self-conscious or feel “less than”. I can’t say anybody’s done that to me in a long time – I just wouldn’t allow it – but when I was younger, sure. My main thing is many of the men I dated, even the nice ones, were constantly correcting me and harping on how rude I am – how when we drive somewhere I bound out of the car and start walking without waiting for the guy to get his act together and follow, how I eat dinner at home before he comes home without waiting, etc etc. And I suppose technically these things are behaviors of a single person, not someone in a relationship. So, you know what? Obviously I am not relationship material. And I’m a grown-ass woman and I don’t need my behavior to be corrected like I’m some errant child…punk!
The two ladies and I concluded that we just don’t know what it takes to make a relationship work today. I think that’s honest. I still truly believe that some people luck into good situations but most don’t. The rest either suffer together or remain single. I don’t care because I found a way to have a family without a relationship, which is what I really wanted all along anyway.
The friend I saw yesterday mentioned she saw my ex- at a wedding I boycotted last weekend. I told her I heard that he “found out” about me and went into a funk, cornering another friend of mine and interrogating her at the bar for an hour, saying it was supposed to be him and how could I do this to him? This just made me laugh when I heard it. I figured he’d react this way, because he’s delusional enough to think that even though we split up a year ago that he still has a chance with me, and that he and I could still easily have a kid together when I’m over 40. My friend told me she complimented him on a recent gig (he’s a jazz singer), saying she heard he was really good. You know what his response was? Not “thank you very much,” or, “it was a fun night,” like a normal person – no, his response was, “I was FANTASTIC!” Have I mentioned how much I dodged a bullet with this guy??? I mentioned that, right?
So I am still all fired up about Miss Representation. I’m not sure what I’m going to do about it, but I am considering joining some organizations and getting active somehow. It’s something I haven’t done since I was a teenager, but I do miss political activism a great deal, especially when it’s about things I’m super passionate about. For me this whole Choice Mom thing was very much a political act as well as a personal act – a show of female independence and empowerment, a nod to alternative families, an embracing of modern technology and mores. I feel like I want all of these things to come together somehow…and to get active about it. Getting involved in volunteerism may not be the best plan when I’m about to have a baby, but I’m going to put some feelers out there and see if there’s something I can do, whether it’s campaigning for a female candidate I believe in or joining a media watch dog group…something. Something has to be done to reverse this horrible backlash we’re experiencing (which I wasn’t even aware we were experiencing).
Speaking of documentaries, I am about to watch a second doc about sperm donation. I imagine it will be more of the same – oodles of offspring seeking their dad, and the doc pointing out the obvious, “isn’t this kind of a sociological time bomb we’re sitting on here?” and me pulling my hair out on the couch wondering out loud how the heck sperm banks ever allowed hundreds of offspring from one donor and then worrying that everyone who watches this will think this is my situation, when it is not. And judging me. Ugh.
And in babyland, I believe I may be experiencing the very first flutters. I’m not sure because it all feels like normal digestive functions to me, and does seem to happen mostly when I’ve just eaten. But I keep feeling these little subtle pulses or “kicks”. I sure hope it’s the baby, because I’m very much looking forward to that development. Eighteen weeks Thursday!
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