They grow up so fast...

Here are a couple of ultrasound pics from yesterday’s ob check up.  I didn’t know they were going to do an ultrasound yesterday so I was delighted when my deadpan, Bill Nye-esque ob broke out the tube of gel.  Everything looks good except he was a bit alarmed by my nine pound weight gain over the last month – he says I should really be only gaining 2-3 pounds a month.  I was thinking nine pounds in four months is about right; but I think his concern was more that I’d gained it ALL AT ONCE.  He’s right, though; I’m still in the habit of shoving food down my throat the minute I feel the slightest pang of hunger for fear of being horribly sick if I don’t, forgetting that that doesn’t really happen anymore, and I can actually go 3-4 hours without eating and not get violently ill for hours.  So basically I need to return to normal eating patterns.  And knock off the Pop Tarts.  I can do it.  Everything sweet kind of tastes like stomach bile to me anyway.

I also did my 2^nd round blood test for the NT scan yesterday, and I don’t mind admitting I had a little bit of a freak out.  Not about the fact that it was the NT scan – as you know I’m not terribly concerned about bad results – it was more general anxiety that I’d been having all day, exacerbated by an especially long wait for the blood test and weird old feelings coming up about being scared of medical stuff.  You know how anxiety is.  One little old childhood thing sets it off and then it becomes this swirling pool of racing thoughts and irrationality and nausea and fear and panic.  I got back to my car and did my breathing exercises, talked myself down, went home and took a nap.  Woke up feeling refreshed and normal.  It was just a weird day, and I’ve had a few of these lately.  It must be hormones.  Somehow I became convinced that nobody loved me and I was abandoned and lost and I don’t have it in me to be a mother, I just can’t do it, I CAN’T.  But I fought it hard all day – fought like the dickens, and eventually it went away.  I reminded myself I’m very loved and I absolutely CAN do this.  I’m so glad I did the foundation work long before any of this TTC/pregnancy stuff about my anxiety – that I learned that just because you have a thought doesn’t mean it should be listened to, that you need to nip these things in the bud and constantly remind yourself that the thoughts you’re having are not rational, not reflective of anything real, and are just chemical reactions.  Kind of like being on drugs – not that I ever have been, but I imagine these hormone-fueled panic attacks are a bit like that.  Like many illnesses, I doubt I’ll ever overcome it entirely but I can manage it.  And it does pass.  I feel fine now and can’t believe I was thinking the things I was thinking yesterday – what was that about?  Hormones, chemicals.  Not the real me, not at all.

Last night I watched the documentary on OWN, “Miss Representation”.  I was riveted, and I mean RIVETED.  Not that I’m unaware of how the media treats women – especially in politics – but WOW.  When it’s right there in front of you, with statistics of women in power positions in business and government, it’s pretty shocking and upsetting.  And I was deeply ashamed when I thought how I had allowed the media, and society in general, to disparage women – I remember how anti-Hillary Clinton I was, and why?  No reason, only that the media had shoved it down my throat that she was a bitch, she was a harpee, her voice was annoying, she was a ball buster (not in a good way), and I bought it without even attempting to think for myself.  They also drew a direct correlation between how few women we have in government and our piss-poor family leave/maternity/women’s health care compared to nations where more women are involved in national policymaking.  This has to stop.  Also the presentation that women somehow aren’t capable, that they shouldn’t be in certain jobs or positions (yes, even I have thought this), that it’s ok to pick apart a woman’s appearance where we’d never do that to a man, etc etc etc.  This documentary is so important that I have saved it and intend to show it to every close girlfriend I have.  I really need to change the way I think about certain things.  Not that I wasn’t on board before, but wow – I’m really on board now.  Especially if I have a girl.  I’ve got a whole new take on how to raise girls today!