I know I harp on about this a lot, but yesterday I had an experience that reminded me how glad I am that my reproductive future is entirely in my hands. Hung out with some couples for a birthday get together and had a lovely time. One of the couples didn’t know about me yet, so I got to share that and as usual they were psyched for me.
Two of the couples there don’t have kids yet, one because they are planning to do it later, and the other because the woman just doesn’t want to and the guy is therefore forced to go along with it. I had always assumed this couple was mutually agreed on not having children and had been since before they married some ten years ago…but apparently the husband really wants kids, and actually married the wife on the assumption that she’d be a great mom. Whether or not this was discussed or just assumed I don’t know; but it breaks my heart to see them now, knowing what I know. Everyone around them is having kids, even me, for chrissakes, and it must drive them both nuts to have the whole “kid” issue shoved in their faces every time they want to see friends. It must be terrible to be a married couple and be constantly asked, “so when are you guys having kids?” I understand now how inappropriate those kinds of questions are, but most people don’t. I’ve known them for easily a decade and never felt comfortable asking this. One of the many joys of being a slightly older single chick is nobody (except maybe nosy older aunts or grandmothers, and I never had ones like that), but nobody, asks when you’re having kids. Everyone just assumes you’ve settled into spinsterhood. Surprise!!!
The other couple the woman is SO READY and the husband is SO NOT. He told me in confidence he didn’t want kids ever- but I know they will end up having kids (fertility gods allowing) because he knows he pretty much has to. The problem is, she’s five years older – turning 35 in the spring – and he’s only 30, which honestly in guy years is like 18. He is kind of young for it. I told him recently I wish their ages were reversed – that would buy her more time, and he’d be that much closer to warming up to the idea. I don’t know what goes on with them in private, but I can imagine every time another one of her friends gets knocked up she must put the screws on him, even if in a subtle way. Hell, I know I would! It’s only natural. I know the panic I started to feel at 35 thinking I may never have children, and I wasn’t even in a relationship where I could say, “hey, let’s do it!”
I told the friend I carpooled with on the way home that not once during this entire process did I wish I had a partner. Not during conception, not during the miscarriage, not in the sickness phase, not now. Why? Well, I get to share the good times with the people who care about me and hide the bad stuff if I need to. I get to lie on the floor all day if it feels good and not feel like I’m being a drama queen or I should really get up and make dinner before he gets home. I don’t have to worry about someone else’s mixed feelings, that he’s not as excited as I am or doesn’t feel connected to the baby or is acting out because he feels like his youth is slipping away. I’m sure there are many advantages to having a husband involved, sharing this experience with someone who’s equally invested and all that. But luckily you don’t know what you’re missing when you’ve never experienced it. I think having had a baby with a (good) partner once and then doing it alone later would probably be hard. But for me this is all just normal. Yes, I have to haul that 25 lb bag of chicken feed up the stairs. Yes, I’m in the ultrasound room alone and share the moment only with medical professionals. But in my mind that’s what pregnancy is – a solitary experience. And by “solitary” I mean “special”.
I’m just delighted that I don’t have to consult with anyone about this stuff. I mean, as you know baby #2 is a constant thought for me (irrational, yes, but there it is). And I change my mind about baby #2 on a pretty much daily basis. But I love that it’s my decision alone. When the time comes I can make my peace with saying, “ahhh…I’ll pass,” or instead, “you know what? I’m going to give it a shot.” And I don’t have to decide anything now, or even a year from now. I can just take that decision as it comes and not have to feel pressured by anyone but me. That’s pretty great.
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