Don’t let the door knob hit ya, part II

I just read last year’s end of year wrap up. I never read my old posts (at one point I did, but I never do now) but I was curious how I felt last year at this time, and how many of my predictions came true. 

Turns out I was surprisingly prophetic. I anticipated having to have a vaxxed, masked event, and how much that wouldn’t be worth it. I predicted the year might not be better than 2021 (it wasn’t). I predicted kids would be back at school after spring break, and that our spring break trip would be awesome. I was wrong about the THC cream helping my frozen shoulder, though. Nothing helped that shit.

Everyone in the world feels like I do right now - grimly resigned, vaguely angry and frustrated. What about our hot girl summer? What about vaccines fixing everything? Yeah. And right now California’s infection numbers have surpassed last summer and are heading to last winter’s numbers. With omicron as transmissible as it is, it wouldn’t surprise me if we spike worse than last winter in two weeks’ time. Oh, and Betty White died, just a couple of weeks short of her 100th birthday. Fuck everything.

Am I really that mad? Meh. I don’t have the energy. Truth is, omicron could end up being our ticket out of this pandemic, no matter how grim things look at the moment. We could find ourselves by this spring completely out of this because literally everyone will have been infected by then. Or, you know, not.

I’ve spent all week in bed watching Korean dating shows while the kids watch gamer videos in the living room. Welcome to school breaks with no plans, especially when it’s cold and rainy every day. I’ve given myself this week to just extreme chill, and I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. Yesterday I rallied long enough to perform with our orchestra - a first since March 2020 - as a last minute fill in. I went in very nervous and full of dread, but honestly, it was awesome. I don’t know how to explain it, but there’s just nothing quite like a big band. I got a little choked up sitting on stage, actually. 

Tonight I have a New Year’s gig with the small band down in Irvine. I’m mostly concerned about the treacherous long drive home with all the drunks. But in a weird way I’m actually looking forward to it. It’s our last gig for a long time - we have absolutely no gigs booked at all coming up. I’m going to make the most of it. 

That’s pretty much my plan for 2022. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Will our cabin get finished? Will our wedding happen? Will I have my event? Will we all stay alive? I don’t know the answers to any of this and I’m done making predictions. But I’m just going to act as if and keep plugging away because that’s what we as humans must do. One foot in front of the other. Let’s see what happens next.

Jiggity jig

We returned home without incident. Our final day we had a pleasant beach day including some shore snorkeling, and then the morning of our departure we hung out at the resort beach. I’ve never done that before - had a beach day followed immediately by packing up and flying home. It was odd, but it worked. 

Considering how much outsized anxiety I had before and during this trip, I’d like to now list all of the things I thought could go wrong, that didn’t:

None of us caught covid before the trip, preventing the trip entirely

None of our reservations were canceled or delayed due to covid/weather/lack of staffing

Nobody drowned

Nobody fell off a cliff

Nobody was in a car accident before or during the trip

We didn’t go to bed with no dinner at any point, even though almost every night it looked like this would happen

We were not rained out

Our car sharing app was not a scam

Nobody developed covid symptoms during the trip

Nobody got eaten by a shark

Our return flight was not canceled nor delayed

Neither flight was grounded due to out of control right wing idiots

We did not dent the car share car

We survived the road to Hana without incident

Nobody got sunburnt

My frozen(?) hip was a pain but didn’t prevent me from doing anything

I didn’t lose my engagement ring

No wallets were stolen or lost

We didn’t forget to return the rented boogie boards

My car started after sitting for a week (my car has issues with this)

Other than the bathroom sink being overtaken by ants, the house was unmolested

The cat was alive upon return

So far nobody appears to have covid, but I plan on testing in the next couple of days since I have gigs starting Thursday. I’m sincerely wishing they will cancel - many other NYE events have. But I’m preparing to tough it out if they don’t.

It’s a profoundly strange time. In just a few short days, California’s covid test rates have exceeded those of the worst of the summer surge, and in most states/countries it’s far, far worse…many predict there are going to be more cases than we can even test for. Many families I know currently have it or are recovering. Pretty much everyone is going to catch this thing; it’s just a question of when. Which is profoundly unsettling. It makes me feel like the end of pregnancy again…you’re going to go through this thing called giving birth, and there’s no getting around it, and you know you’re going to suffer, and you don’t know when it’s going to happen, but it’s going to happen. You also don’t know what the aftereffects are going to be and when (if?) you’ll feel normal again. All of this uncertainty makes for a very dark nihilistic mood. You still want to be careful, and yet you sort of want to just get it over with, and yet you kind of don’t care any more, and yet you’re still afraid. 

And yet, like some, I’m clinging to the hope that this is actually the beginning of the end, that everyone catches this milder (?) variant, gets immunity, and the whole thing dies out. The F is convinced of this. The east coast NYE event has begun for the week; people respect the organizers and so are reluctant to say much publicly, but I’ve seen private rumblings that people can’t believe they actually went through with it, and that there’s no way people won’t catch covid there. I think they probably couldn’t get out of their hotel contract and decided to muscle through. I think the odds of nobody catching covid there are slim to none. It will be interesting to see what happens after the attendees return home in a few days. 

I for one am very content to spend the next two weeks more or less in bed, waiting to see what happens with the boys’ school. I’m glad that other than a couple of desert trips we have no travel plans at all for the foreseeable future. 

Hawaii, the musical

Thankfully the weather cleared up, so we’ve been able to have some very pleasant days here (still would not come back in winter, though - winter in Hawaii is for people coming from places with real winter). 

Our zipline tour was fun, but it poured rain on us the whole time. We wore some mildewed jackets they provided. I’m so proud of the boys having no fear of ziplines.

The next day we went to Slaughterhouse beach and finally got in a solid beach day like I like - boogie boarding and body surfing for hours until we were all exhausted. My thawing frozen shoulder and burgeoning frozen hip were challenging with that level of activity - especially the hip, where I’m in pain if I make any movement other than straight up and down. But those long beach days are what I live for, so that made me happy. 

On Christmas Eve I had scheduled our Molokini snorkeling tour. We had to get up at 5 AM, and I found myself having massive anxiety about the whole thing - we were all nauseated and cranky from getting up early, it was so cold, and I was worried about the kids being out in open water. So to be honest I was pretty miserable until we got out to our first spot, the crater. I was picturing myself and/or the kids not going in the water at all and the whole thing being a bust; but then all of a sudden you’re getting into your wet suit and putting on your snorkel gear and just going for it whether you feel like it or not. And once again the kids were just fine - we were all cold, but the kids willingly got in the water and had zero qualms about using the snorkeling gear or being out in the ocean. The snorkeling at the crater was meh. But our second spot I did get to see a couple of sea turtles which is always amazing. I have to say it couldn’t have gone better - perfect weather, calm seas, and happy kids. My anticipation anxiety was all for naught.

On Christmas Day yesterday we decided to take on the Road to Hana, even though we knew food would be hard to come by (we had hoarded as much as we could from the Safeway the night before). Of course I got my period first thing in the morning (at least it didn’t happen on the road). It was a looong day; the entire drive with stops took about ten hours. I enjoyed it for the most part, but I felt guilty that we didn’t get any swim time at all, and missed two of the biggest stops because we got there too late (the park with the seven sacred pools closed just as we drove up). So we saw lots of roadside waterfalls and had lunch on a lovely secluded black sand beach, but other than that it was just a lot of driving. Thankfully I took Dramamine so I didn’t get horribly nauseated as I’ve gotten on all of our road trips (apparently I have car sickness now). If I could do the road to Hana again, I would definitely not go in winter, and would arrange a night in Hana so I could spend time on their spectacular beaches and parks. It’s too much to try to do in one day.

Today is our final day. We should be able to make it home tomorrow, but there is a chance we won’t - hundreds of flights have been canceled all weekend due to crews testing positive, so I am preparing for the worst; trying to figure out how to stay here longer, arrange for the cat sitter to come one more time, keep our car longer, keep the car at home in its spot longer, etc etc. I hope to god we make it home without incident - it’s the last step in a long thread of things having to go our way. Once we’re home, I just have two gigs to get through and my obligations are over. Even if the kids get covid on our trip they will still clear it in time to start school in two weeks. 

A strange thing happened while we were at the beach. Our desert neighbor angrily texted that garbage and toilet paper and building materials are littering my entire property and blowing onto their property, and was I aware of what was happening?? She sent pictures of shitty toilet paper caught in the creosote bushes and roofing blown all over. Ugh. So I started a long conversation with her (apologizing of course) about our struggles with this contractor, then asking her if her boyfriend who is a contractor might be available to take over; we’ve arranged to meet out there on the 2nd. Then got on a text with the contractor in which he said he’d go clean up the mess, and asking if I pulled the project now if we could get some money back (he did offer this a couple of months ago). We didn’t come to a consensus; I told him let’s put everything on hold until after the holidays, in order to buy me time to talk to this other guy. For all I know he’ll charge an arm and a leg and won’t be possible. But it’s worth a shot, even though I have to accept I’ve been had, financially. The current contractor has almost all of the money, claims it’s all spent and has nothing to give back, and I’d have to pay probably the same amount all over again to this second guy. The only way this ends is me paying a fortune for something which never should have cost more than $20,000, tops. It’s a huge disaster. Still, though? I’m actually really relieved by this news - it means we can finally get away from this guy, potentially, and actually get it done. I asked and as of now the current guy really had no plans to get back out there and work on it, and fully acknowledged he’s been a disaster. The new guy may not get to it for a while, either - he has two other jobs lined up - and we may just not want to work with him for a variety of reasons (or he may decide he doesn’t want to do it). But we won’t know anything until we get out there next Sunday and actually talk to the guy. At least, though, I have some hope of this actually finishing. At this point I don’t really care if it costs more. I’m at my limit with waiting around for nothing to happen.

Hawaii bound and on

We made it to Hawaii. It was no small feat, but it went mostly smoothly (aka it all worked out). We survived the gauntlet of travel during covid - finding a parking place at the airport, getting through security and extra covid protocols for Hawaii (including an over hour long wait for vaccine screening which was horribly mismanaged and the of course white guy behind us started mouthing off and abusing the staff, after which I felt compelled to tell the staff I’m sorry people are being awful and they don’t deserve that and we appreciate them and happy holidays), surviving a long flight, figuring out how to pick up our car from Turo which I never used before and was anxious about, getting to the hotel and checking in, and even found some dinner late. I had literally months of anxiety thinking about navigating all these things, and even though there were a few hiccups and bitchy moments, we got through it as a family with our usual sarcasm and humor and I am truly grateful to get to be here (Hawaii) even though it’s been cold and rainy so far (will clear up later today, apparently).

Side note - finally saw The Outsiders on the plane, never saw it as a kid. Wow, that movie is terrible. It’s amazing how huge it looms for people of my generation who saw it when they were impressionable tweens, and shows how little discernment kids have. Yikes.

Anyhoo, so far it’s been cold and rainy here. I think Hawaii during winter is not a good idea for people like me coming from Southern California who are looking for a summer experience. The weather here is *sort of* like it was at home, ie, you just always feel chilled. But this is supposed to change soon - rain should stop and sun might come out towards the end of our trip. Yesterday we had a desultory day of hanging out in Lahaina old town, driving up the coast to go see the Nakalele blow hole, then back to the resort for some cold pool time followed by slightly less cold beach time. Everyone else had a blast playing in the waves but it was just so cold and windy I couldn’t deal, so I just sat shivering on the beach covered with all the towels. Sigh. Fuckin winter.

Today after the rain clears up we have a zipline tour which should hopefully be the real start of feeling like we’re actually here. I’m looking forward to some sunshine and beach time.

Much like our summer epic southwest trip, once again we find ourselves obsessively watching covid case counts and talking about the new scary variant pretty much non-stop. At least this time I’m not having to consider cancelling my own underway event (thank GOD), but I’m watching the New Year’s stuff with interest. Will the event in NC I advised to cancel, actually cancel, or just carry on? A similar event in Sweden canceled today, but that was by direct government order. Nothing like that will happen here in the US, at least not by a week from Friday. I think the event in NC will carry on, and I think the odds of people catching covid there will be very high. Would they have caught it anyway? Probably. There is a good chance we will catch it here or during our travels; we’ve been requested to test ourselves before performing at New Year’s in Orange County (personally I’m wishing they’d just cancel the event, but whatever. I guess I can use the money, and they are doing vaxx, testing and masks, so really my risk is worse driving home in the dark surrounded by drunks). 

I’ve resigned myself that we’re all going to catch this fucking thing after two years of vigilance, despite all the shots and precautions and sacrifices. And like everyone else, I’m feeling grim resentment and frustration. I just want the schools to stay open. But I accept that numbers in LA will get too high by mid-January for that to safely happen. I expect at least a week or two or more of closures this winter. Sigh. Maybe I can focus on not having to hustle kids into the car as a benefit of all this. The F is convinced everyone just catching this (possibly) less dangerous but more transmissible version and becoming immune will end the pandemic for good, and he could be right. Either way it seems like we have very little control over this, so whatever happens, happens. I’m just glad I don’t have to make any decisions about my event any time soon. 

Now, to enjoy Hawaii while we can.

Fake Christmas

We had fake Christmas this morning as we’ll (hopefully) be on Maui for Christmas. I have to say, it was such a relief to just have a few presents rather than the usual bacchanalian excesses. First, it was far, far less wrapping for me than usual (it would sometimes take entire days to wrap everything, which I found exhausting and frustrating), made a lot less mess, and meant the unwrapping time was only a few minutes. And, not surprisingly, the boys were perfectly delighted with all of their few presents - new robes, some board games I recommended my sister get them, Among Us plushies I had them get each other, a book about puberty, and of course the two new (used) iPads. The BF got me my requested Selecter t shirt, an apple peeler and new pyjamas, and I got him a new robe and pyjamas and wrapped a piece of paper in a large box in which I explain my failed quest to buy him a new iPhone and my plan to instead split one for him in the future when he feels like picking one out. 

I don’t think I’ve ever in my life opened Christmas presents not on Christmas so it feels a little weird. There’s something nice about just taking the day to do that stuff and knowing that nearly everyone else is doing it, too. But, this is a different kind of Christmas, and I’m all about upending traditions right now. 

The kids closed out this calendar year at school. As far as covid stuff, it went far better than I would have imagined. No closures, no infections. However, it’s becoming increasingly apparent that our luck may soon run out. The news the past couple of days regarding omicron has been absolutely horrid. Worst case, by mid-January we’ll be in a spike even worse than last winter’s. Best case, we will see a lot more cases but hospitalizations will not directly follow, and the disease will become endemic. Up until this week I thought scenario B was more likely…but now I’m trying to make peace with the fact that yes, it’s going to be very, very bad, worse than any of us could imagine, and that more than likely all of us will have caught covid in the next couple of months. It’s so hideous and enraging I just want to scream and cry. All the doom predictors were right; the woman who told us in the event organizing business to “get another career”, she was right. This thing is never going to fucking end. Even after three shots, I can still catch it, spread it, *probably* not die but possibly half life-long repercussions. I fucking give up.

I’m glad I don’t have an event to plan in the next few months. But trying to calculate if Labor Day will fall between or on the next massive surge is doing my head in. It’s hard to imagine now, with life so normal, that things could go back to where we were - events banned, travel banned, schools closed - but I have to accept if numbers get as bad as we think, that these things are inevitable. 

At least our wedding is outdoors.

I feel going in to this Hawaii trip much like my trip to Cancun in Feb 2020 - although I never could have known it at the time - like the last hurrah, once again, the night before the tanks rolled into Poland. Odds are we will go on our trip, and have a mediocre to good time (depending on weather and cancellations of activities), and will make it home safe. But what, exactly, are we returning to…?

I just hope if indoor events are closed again that I get more money. I have not heard one word from the California grant I applied for in October that was supposed to start notifying people a week ago. My fear is they’ll notify me Monday morning that I have to upload documentation to be considered within days, when I’m already isolated from my computer. I mean I could bring my computer with me - but it’s huge and heavy and a pain in the ass, and the odds of something like this happening right at Christmas seems very unlikely. 

The contractor has not worked on our place for two weeks, each week saying he’s going to need another week to work on some other project to make money to finish mine (since of course all of the money I gave him was spent on other things months ago). I highly doubt anything at all will get accomplished by the end of the year. Welp, we have four walls and a partial roof. Sigh. 

So if all the stars align, we’ll do our Christmas lights walk tonight, I’ll do my final amusement park gig tomorrow, do laundry and pack, and we’ll be on our way Monday morning. The weather on Maui looks not great - rainy and low 70s most of the time; hardly the nice burst of summer I’d been hoping. I think that might be really disappointing after we’ve been freezing our asses off here for the last couple of weeks. Let’s keep our fingers crossed we make it and everything turns out ok.

Back

Thankfully, my negative feelings about performing dissipated. I had a better time at our amusement park gigs on Friday and Sunday, for a variety of reasons. One, we got to use a piano player who was a delight who I haven’t seen since I was pregnant with Bobby (he said I looked “exactly the same”, and I’m a sucker for a compliment), another was I killed a new song I was worried about because I practiced the shit out of it all week, and finally, I sent a text to my bandleader friend suggesting we retire the sort of insult comedy dynamic we’d had going for the last few years and instead just be kind to each other, to which he readily agreed. I mean, I can bro it up with the best of them, but I found this toxic dynamic we’d created for ourselves was putting me in a negative mindset, and it was also exhausting always having to come up with snarky rejoinders. Knowing I’m walking in to a safe place where we all respect each other as colleagues and fellow artists has been a game changer and has definitely contributed to my more positive feelings about remaining in this band. 

I have my prejudices about being in mask-free Orange County and sincerely want to ask some of the people in the audience if they can account for their whereabouts on January 6th, but I also have to admit they’ve been very appreciative and pleasant and may not necessarily have harbored any fantasies of storming the capital. One more show on Sunday and then I am officially done. Huzzah.

The boys are enjoying a partial return to normal Christmas activities at school - they both sang in their Christmas program yesterday (supposedly the parents will be supplied with a video of said performance at some point - Theo sang Nat King Cole’s “L-O-V-E”, Bobby sang “California Dreamin’”). Tomorrow at 10 AM I watch Bobby in his play on zoom, some kind of Russian folk tale that he has a few lines in. They are attempting to do a spirit week at school - every day they have to wear something we don’t have - turtlenecks, sweaters, red and white clothes, etc. It’s Los Angeles, people. These kids barely have socks. 

If all goes well we will be on a plane to Maui on Monday. I find myself after two cancellations convinced something is going to go wrong to prevent us from going - apart from the more outlandish things like injuries or car accidents or natural disasters - I worry about more likely things, like one of us getting covid. Every day I make sure I can still smell and taste things. I uploaded all our info to the safe travels system; now 24 hours before I just have to fill out health questionnaires and that should cover all the new requirements. Still, with all the steps between now and then and all the things that can go wrong - getting our parking at the airport, getting on the flight, getting our rental car, getting to the hotel - I’m a bundle of nerves. I find I’m worrying constantly about every little thing, and yet everything is fine. I think it’s just a very complicated couple of weeks with a lot of obligations and new things and it’s all a bit overwhelming. 

Still, we’re at the worst of California winter here - pouring rain today and dropping into the 30s at night, we’re all chilled to the bone - so the very idea of enjoying a little tropical summer for a week, even if there’s rain forecasted every day, sounds pretty awesome. 

On mothers, performing, and holiday ennui

I don’t have holiday blues. I don’t. I enjoy this season, even when it’s stressful. The only one that was torture was the year my mother rejected me for the last time, in 2006. That year sucked. That was the only year I haven’t sent Christmas cards - to which a friend’s sociopath husband replied I was now “on his shit list”; they are now divorced (shocker). Anyhoo…

I’ve noticed I’m having a hard time getting motivated to do anything. I’m 100% sure the reason is because I’ve stupidly given myself permission to stop exercising and fasting, which in turn makes my body hurt and makes me gain weight, which in turn makes me not want to do anything. You know, the ouroboros of managing our mind-body connection. It’s cold and (soon to be) rainy and I just want to drink tea under blankets while watching true crime documentaries. And yet this doesn’t feel particularly good, either. Because I haven’t been exercising, so my mood isn’t great. And so it goes. 

I sang a lot last weekend - four nights in a row - and did not enjoy any of it. I think the cloak of lack of self-consciousness that one needs to get on stage and perform has been worn thin for me for lack of use; I’m afraid I’ll forget lyrics of songs I haven’t sung or thought about in two years, none of my dresses fit, and just in general I’d rather be home in bed watching TV. Performing at an amusement park with long hours, long, cold walks from parking lots, and random people staring at you the whole time you’re singing (as in, rather than dancing, which is what I much prefer - playing for dancers), is just not my wheelhouse at all. Why am I complaining? I should be grateful gigs are back, right? It should be the best thing ever, right? And there’s much needed money. And yet. I got home late Sunday night and just thought to myself…I don’t want to do this anymore. I talked to a friend today who confessed to me that she, too, after a lifetime of performing, no longer has any interest. Leave it to the young people - the striving young girls with lithe bodies and an insatiable hunger to be somebody. That used to be me. But not anymore. I’ve always been somewhat meh about singing with a band - it’s always been just for a bit of a lark, and somehow managed to continue for twenty years. I am nowhere near up to the par of where musicianship is now. What do I do with all of this? I don’t know. I’ll suffer through the three remaining theme park gigs (two this weekend…ugh), happily take the checks, do our NYE gig, and then we have nothing at all booked for next year, so maybe just relax in the reality that my life will soon not be so regularly intruded upon. It’s terrible, I know. I shouldn’t feel this way. And yet I do.

My mother’s 80th birthday would have been on Sunday. It’s hard to imagine Earth 2 in which she’s still alive - maybe even somewhat healthy - and somehow not a negative presence in my life. So much of who I am now is a direct result of her being dead, or at least, dead to me. I never could have even begun to get a handle on my depression and anxiety were she still in my life, and 100% could not have had these kids. Did she die so that they could live? I do think of it that way sometimes, yes. And because she died (to me) and I was able to have these kids and have a nice family life and things to look forward to, I have the luxury of not going through the sort of soul-crushing soul-searching angst that used to permeate my holidays (as much as I loved them anyway) as I watched others make nice families and have things to look forward to while year after year I didn’t, which to this day is the worst of the many traumas I’ve suffered by far. By far.

And yet the rough edges of my mother angst wear off year by year, especially now that she’s truly gone. For the first time ever I’m going to have a picture of her in my house (I’ve asked my sister to frame a cute picture of my mother and aunt washing dishes for my kitchen, the same one she has in hers). When I think of her now, I rarely think of the bad things - I choose not to, I guess. But oh, it was so raw for so long. Many years. I couldn’t say her name, see her face, or her handwriting. I had to pretend she never existed, even though without her, neither would I. I can still conjure up a tear for her if I try. But that one year I decided to take Mother’s Day back from her, I started the process of taking everything back. She doesn’t get this Christmas, or this wedding, or these kids. I very intentionally built all this to have something that was just mine. And I have succeeded. 

Vaxxed and ready to rumble

The kids got their second shot yesterday. Theo surprisingly had a complete freak out, which ended in me and Bobby literally holding him down in order to get the needle in. I haven’t had to do that in many years, so I had yet another moment of reflection about how hard things used to be as opposed to how easy they are now. I’m not sure what spooked him; I think last time they went in with the ignorance of not having had a shot in a few years and this time they know how much it hurts. Well, hopefully this will be their last, and we now get to reap all the benefits - no testing before we get on the plane to Hawaii in two weeks, hopefully less restrictions at school later on, and, of course, actual protection from the virus in general. 

For me, so far this month I’ve been having a pretty chill holiday season. Most presents are bought now, even for the kids’ teachers and the cleaning lady, decorations are up, Christmas cards went in the mail yesterday, so now I just have to wrap presents and make candy to disburse throughout the next two weeks. The one thing I’ve failed at is the big splurge present I wanted to get for the F, a new phone. Apparently it’s almost impossible to do this as a surprise unless you can find an unlocked phone, which apparently are in such demand right now that there’s no way you’d get one in time. And I also don’t know which phone/what features he wants; it’s such a personal choice, like buying someone else a car, that this morning I decided to just give him a certificate saying I’ll pay half of a new phone if he picks one out. It’s not the same, but it’s at least something to supplement the usual bathrobe/pyjamas. Now that his printing press is back in action I don’t think he’ll have a problem paying half. The kids are getting new (used, cheap) IPads. They will be utterly delighted by this, and it’ll be just in time for the flights to Hawaii. I’m glad we’re on the same page that the days of piles and piles of plastic crap need to be left behind us. Let’s be real - these kids mostly just want to play/watch video games. I support this at least from an environmental standpoint.

Bobby and a few other kids were tested for intellectual ability by the district psychiatrist yesterday. His teacher had asked if I wanted this testing as sort of a “good to know” measure; I agreed to it because I figured why not? He came home from school and asked why I had sent him to a “headshrinker”, ha ha. I don’t know where he gets this stuff. It occurred to me, what if your kid doesn’t test well? How do they break the news to you? “While I’m sure a delightful boy, your child has not tested as having any exceptional abilities whatsoever.” 

Two more weeks of school, then a three week break. One week we’ll be in Maui, one we’ll just hang around, and then my sister visits for the final week in January (thanks, vaccines for kids). Then…2022. While omicron silently infiltrates society and we sit helpless. What, the fuck exactly, will 2022 hold for all of us? When I think about putting on my event, or attempting to, I get filled with dread. There is not one part of me that ever wants to do this event again, especially if covid protocols are going to be in our lives for pretty much ever at this point. I’m hoping I’ll get over that, though, and back into “work mode” at some point. I’m already resenting all the band gigs in the next two weeks, despite the fact that they’re entirely financing this Christmas - why can’t I just be cosy in bed every weekend watching movies? Why do I have to get dressed up and go out and be “on”? I’ve turned into a lazy sod in the pandemic and I don’t know how to break out of it.

Progress on the cabin goes at a snail’s pace, but every few days I do get updates - they are slowly chipping away at the roof, which currently is tar papered in preparation for tiling. I just made a plan to spend MLK weekend out there to do a walk through of the wedding venue with the new wedding planner and I’m unsure if I should find another place for us to stay or not - I think it’s unrealistic to expect this place to be done in six weeks, but maybe…? I might try to find places with a generous cancellation policy.

Thanksgiving trip

We returned home from our Thanksgiving trip a day early. Nothing went wrong; I just had run out of things for us to do, and it occurred to me we really all needed a recovery day to do Christmas stuff and prepare for the week ahead. The trip was interesting - I definitely learned something, which is I am not a mountains person. The three trips we’ve done to cold, mountainous places - Lake Arrowhead, Yosemite, and now Mammoth Lakes - have been my least favorite. Now many of you will say, duh, unless there’s snow and you’re skiing, no shit. And this is very true. With no snow, no intention of spending thousands on skiing for all of us, and many places closed for the season or not yet open for the season, it was a bit of a bust. But the first part of the trip was spectacular, so I give myself credit for that. The first part was the desert part. Of course. 

We stayed in this wacky place called the Amargosa Opera House hotel, which was a place we had driven by on last year’s Death Valley trip and remarked upon. I didn’t know how it would go over - I know some people are skeeved out by run down motels, and this certainly was that - but thankfully the F was delighted by it and the kids were oblivious to the chipping paint and collapsing walls. We did a tour of the actual opera house on the property and met some fellow desert travelers. The only down side was the acquisition of food, as I’d anticipated - there is nothing, and I mean nothing, around there for miles, which lead us on a couple of desperate late night forages for food which did, and could have, ended badly at times. Our first night we waited over three hours at a shitty casino cafe for mediocre food, had to have a long talk with the manager, it was a mess; our final night we went to several places that Yelp said were open but were in fact closed, finally stumbling on a tiny bar and steak place minutes before they closed (I’ve never in my life felt so much like Joseph and Mary searching for an inn). Ah, covid travel. Nothing is as Yelp would have you believe. 

However, our desert activities were great. We spent a long day at the China Ranch Date Farm which had endless fascinating trails to explore followed by date shakes, and found a lovely roadside hot spring in Tecopa which ironically ended up being the best hot spring of the week which was meant to be all about the northern hot springs. Then the next day we hit up Death Valley for some of the adventures we couldn’t take the RV on last time - Keane Wonder Mine, the Natural Bridge, and a couple we had just missed - Zabriskie Point, Devil’s Golf Course. I love Death Valley. We have so much else to do there! Can’t wait to return some day and explore the Panamint side. 

On Wednesday we made the long trek up to Mammoth Lakes to a kitschy cabin with a kitchen and good wifi. Our first day was great - we went to Bodie, a massive ghost town I’ve always wanted to see. I thought we could hit up two of the hot springs nearby, but soon realized a pattern with these eastern Sierra hot springs I had intended to spend all week hopping in and out of - they are all tiny, and invariably already occupied by people with full tent/kitchen/furniture setups who have no intention of letting your family of four jump in. So there were lots of long drives on bumpy roads only to discover yet another hot spring the size of a bathtub with six people partying in it. Somehow in all my research the actual size of these things never came up. So we had a nice Thanksgiving day at the ghost town, had a mostly microwaved Thanksgiving dinner (I’m coming to realize I really loathe Thanksgiving food and just can’t eat it), watched Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, and then I scrambled to find more things for us to do as I realized spending two more days in hot springs was probably not going to happen. We had a desultory trip to Mono Lake, then went to the only spring that was large enough for families, Wild Willy’s. To be fair, I enjoyed it, but it paled in comparison to Tecopa. It was only a few inches deep so you could never submerge yourself, and, of course, it was packed with people. We had a hilarious mad dash to change back into our clothes as the sun was setting and the cold rushed in, resulting in boys in my scarves and their tiny bathrobes and snow gloves half hanging off. I knew this would be the most problematic part of my plan - getting kids out of wet swim suits in public in the cold - and I was right. I made the executive decision to leave the next morning instead of Sunday. I was over it, and realized a full week was probably just too damned long anyway. 

There were two underlying stressors on our trip - one was the F’s car, which is always a risk on these trips. The first morning up in Mammoth he thought it sounded funny so we wasted hours while he tried to figure out what was going on with it and ended up pouring several containers of boiling water on the engine before we could head out anywhere. To be fair the car had been making strange noises and had a horrible burning smell for much of the trip, so I was constantly full of anxiety that we would be stranded somewhere - again, the entire trip consisted of being out of cell range on unattended dirt roads, so the possibility of real disaster always hung over our heads. I so wish he could afford a solid reliable car. He also had some very dark moments around his work stress that he just couldn’t leave behind. Then on Friday as the news came out about the new coronavirus mutation, it put a serious pall over everything - everyone was freaking out about it, and I started to imagine a third year with no event, possibly having to cancel the wedding and lose the tens of thousands I’ve already put down in deposits (these companies do not care if you have to cancel due to coronavirus - they’ve lost enough in the last two years and don’t give a shit anymore), how much money do I have, could we make it? But more importantly, will humanity make it? What if this thing really does wipe out a third of the population as some people have predicted? What if this is just life from now on? Suffice it to say, these thoughts took us down some very scary roads. Not how I wanted to end my trip.

BUT, we’re safe at home now, and life goes on - today we do Christmas stuff, kids are back to school tomorrow, and my plate is full with Christmas preparations that all have to be done next week, not to mention the four gig nights in a row starting on Thursday, preparing for Hawaii (although the F thinks there’s a chance our trip will get canceled because of the new variant). There’s a chance this variant won’t amount to much - that yes, it’s scary and transmissible, but that the vaccines still provide at least some protection, and it is not more deadly. We just won’t know until at least a couple of weeks. My fear, beyond the obvious end of humanity as we know it, is the closure of schools and cancellation of my event and wedding, and of course the F’s inability to make a living, again, as both our jobs require people being able to socialize. I don’t predict any of these things happening, however. But I did have a very dark moment in the car coming home in which I thought about how everything went to shit when Trump was elected in 2016 and how life has just been one nightmarish apocalyptic scenario after another since, with worse things on the horizon, and how utterly exhausted and terrified I am, and how I just don’t know how I’m going to emotionally handle years more of pandemic uncertainty, the loss of Democrats in power, and loss of democracy in general. 

Anyway, ummm…Merry Christmas!

Aaaand break!

I’m sure I can speak for people in the education sector everywhere when I say - whew! Bring on the break! Not that I’m in the education sector, but after going to both boys’ zoom parent-teacher conferences yesterday, I can tell they are going through it. We all deserve a breather.

Speaking of which, both conferences went great. I didn’t know what to expect for Bobby’s - some of the grades he’s been getting seem not great, but being as they’re not on a lettered grade system or a numbered grade system that resembles anything I grew up with, I pretty much don’t know what the hell I’m looking at when I check grades on Schoology - but his teacher said he’s doing great. Both kids were said to work well with partners and fit in well with all different types of kids. Bobby’s teacher encouraged him to take a speaking part in their upcoming play, which is great and a surprise considering how much he’s not liked performing in the past. I hope he can overcome this at some point, but I know performing in front of people is not everyone’s jam. Theo loves math and is really good at it. I’m hoping this means he has a good future in the sciences or engineering of some kind. All these years of Minecraft can’t be for nothing!

We are supposed to leave for Death Valley day after tomorrow. I say supposed to because there is still a chance we’ll have to cancel everything at the last second, which is causing me mass anxiety. I don’t really think the F would do that to us - nothing is so g-d important that it can’t wait until after the holiday - but he’s still stressing out and also has absolutely no money. All of this unfortunately means that most likely for the entire month of December until our Hawaii trip I probably won’t hardly see him at all and will be on 100% child care duties. Trying to steel myself for that now. I can’t wait until his job stops being so intrusive on our lives. It was once again on the verge of this until the motherboard of his printing press crashed two weeks ago and every second of every day has been sucked into his frantically trying to fix it while orders pile up and bills (his, of course) go unpaid. Welp, this is life in a relationship - their concerns become your concerns. It’s part of the package. Most likely we will get to go on our trip, so I’m just going to hang my hat on that and be grateful, and hope it can get him to unplug for a few days. He desperately needs it. 

In other news, I have photographed the last of my items for my Etsy store (I’ll list them when I get back and can actually mail them), which means I have finally been able to convert my dining room back into a dining room and not a photo studio and second closet. I intentionally put everything there so it would annoy me so much I’d be forced to finish the store, and it worked. Now I can just watch the money roll in (or not). My next project is converting my old computer over to my new computer (a process I have put off for an entire year), holiday stuff, wedding stuff, and, come January, tons of tax stuff.

In the middle of all this, hopefully, our cabin will wrap up and we can devote some time to furnishing it and getting it set up for our occasional visits. The contractor tells me they plan to finish the roof by Tuesday and then start on windows and doors. I haven’t seen pictures since Sunday - and he has hit me up for more money - so there’s a part of me that’s still skeptical. Is anything even happening out there…? But the neighbor texted me to say the  crew is, in fact, back out there, so something is actually happening. There’s still so much work left to go, though, that I think we’re realistically looking at January before we could even make it out there. 

First shot

I took the kids for their first shot yesterday. They were brave boys and didn’t make much of a fuss about it - I more struggled with their wrestling and rough housing and touching everything in the pharmacy while we were waiting. They didn’t have many thoughts about getting the shot in general; I asked Bobby if he thought he’d feel safer, and he said no. But they both wanted to get it because their friends were getting theirs. Peer pressure has begun. At least in this instance it’s for the good. 

The F has had a rough couple of weeks. He had a surgery that left him somewhat debilitated for a few days, then the motherboard of his printing press went down, so it’s been a mad scramble to try to fix it while orders pile up, while also trying to get a deal on a new press, all while we’re having global shut downs and supply chain issues. I’m not 100% up on exactly what’s happening, all I know is he’s the most stressed I’ve ever seen him, there’s a chance he’ll be out of work for weeks or months while this issue gets resolved, and there’s a chance we’ll have to cancel our entire Thanksgiving trip, which has me completely gutted. Today he goes to check to see if the latest repair takes; by late afternoon we should know if he can skate by for a few weeks or if he’s really screwed. 

On my end, things are looking up - I’m down to the last bunch of items to be uploaded to my Etsy store before I'm officially done; the grant money I’ve been waiting months for was finally deposited, now I have two more I should have approval on in the next two weeks; I talked to a wedding planner that didn’t stress me out like the first person did and hired her, so now I have some guidance going forward - my time with her starts on Dec 4 (six months out); the kids got their first shot, and, most importantly, after a two month hiatus, work resumed on the cabin yesterday!! 

We’re still miles away from it being done or usable - we still need a roof, door, windows, patio, and entire separate structure for bathroom and shower. But at least for the moment I can say he’s trying to finish and didn’t just disappear with my money. So, very very grateful for that. Will we have this thing for the end of the year? I don’t know, but I’ve started ordering macrame wall hangings and hammock chairs just in case!

Here’s the boys enjoying post-shot frozen yogurt. 

No!vember

Two weeks until Thanksgiving break. We’re all itching to hit the road. This will be an easy go compared to our usual epic road trip - we’re staying in hotels, a first, and only two of them. Unlike last year, we’re not adapting to a rented RV, nor relying on campsites that you can’t reserve in advance. And most importantly, this year I won’t be in constant agonizing pain due to my frozen shoulder. When I think about how utterly debilitated I was this time last year - I had pretty much given up trying to use my left arm at all, and had multiple episodes of intense pain per day plus dull throbbing pain all of the time anyway - oh, it was just hell. There are so many things that are better this year. In fact, fuck it - everyone else is doing gratitude stuff for November, I might as well join in right now. Here are things that are better this year than last year:

Trump is gone!!! I mean, not really, but at least for now he’s not in the White House. I live in constant terror of what’s going to happen in ‘22 when we no doubt lose the house and senate and in ‘24 when we probably lose the White House because of voter suppression and propaganda, but I’m determined to enjoy every minute of this brief moment of having sane Democrats in control.

Coronavirus is on the retreat - kinda. Lately the news hasn’t been so great with regards to what we’re facing this winter; after weeks of “we’re going to have this thing beat by January and no winter surge!” now all of a sudden parts of Europe are seeing their worst surges yet, with the US possibly to follow, in particular the western states. Still, though, way different from last year when we were all helplessly facing this giant wave heading right at us with no tools to fight it. At least now the F and I are vaccinated, and the kids will be fully protected in just five weeks. There’s a good chance coronavirus will be largely under control some time next year. 

Kids in school! I rarely think about the long months of home schooling now; I just want to put it behind me. But every once in a while I think about it and am just so happy the kids are back in school and having a somewhat normal childhood again. They really thrive there, and I delight in my quiet time at home alone. It keeps me sane.

I’m engaged! No more wondering when it’ll happen or if we’ll ever get married (it could have gone either way). The moment happened and we have a wedding planned and it’s happening. And then it’ll be over and we can just be a married couple until one of us dies. I never thought I would get married, so I’m glad to get to have that experience in common with so many other people in the world. I’m interested to see what it’s going to be like.

We’ve found a family passion which is doing outdoorsy stuff, in particular desert stuff. I’m glad this is something we can all share - in a time when monoculture is long gone (we all sort of do/watch/listen to our own things these days), it’s great to have one thing that still bonds us together. While building the cabin continues to be fraught, it will be done eventually, and then we can move on to really enjoy our lives out there. I’m excited for this.

Things are coming back. Our band is playing, we’re going to concerts, we’re starting to get on planes and travel. Last night I went to a dinner and then comedy show, and it was great. I can run errands and go to stores and movies. Life is really about 80% normal. 

The government has helped me survive two years of shutdowns. I am profoundly grateful for all the loans and grants. 

Everyone continues to be healthy. Yay for that. 

In other news, we finally saw the donor siblings yesterday at a climbing gym. Like our kids, the girls had gotten taller and thinner in the last two years. The donor was I believe 6’1” and 140 lbs, so tall and skinny is in all of their genes. I can’t say any of them really resemble each other; but then again Bobby and Theo look nothing like each other, either. Genes are weird. 

Here are some pomegranate seeds from our hyperactive tree. I’m down to the last few I can seed, the rest have been ravaged by squirrels. It’s been a good run, though.

Shots! Shots! Shots!

The announcement came yesterday that kids’ vaccines are all but greenlit at this point - I believe there’s some more signing off to do, but in a rush, suddenly appointments became available for kids. I didn’t think doses would be available until next week, so I booked two through Walgreen’s for next Friday, just three days short of the cut off to travel to Hawaii in December. So unless things change or go wrong between now and Dec 3rd, their second shot, we should be able to get on that plane without any testing requirements or issues. It’s a huge relief. I was not looking forward to white knuckling those test results just a day or two before our flight.

This is a huge step forward to the end. I imagine school procedures will stay the same - still masks, still downloading daily pass and having to walk the kids to the gate with my phone - but this is the path towards being truly free of this thing. And there’s less worry about being a family in a dangerous social situation or bringing covid home to unvaccinated kids. It’s a big deal.

We applied for the F’s passport yesterday. Even the postal worker couldn’t believe he’d never had a passport before. I’m so excited for what this means for our future. At some point next year after the backlog is handled I’ll get the kids theirs, too. I can’t wait to have little world travelers!

Our issue with the venue we had to drop out of actually went better than I’d anticipated - while they still held to their policy of not checking vaccine status, it was clear that the person we deal with most was not in agreement with this policy and wants to continue to have a relationship with us after this is all over. So thankfully no bridges burned, and we’re putting on a small invite only event instead that will at least get our musicians paid. Personally I’d rather go to the desert next weekend, but there you have it. Duty calls. 

We have lots - and I mean lots - of gigs in December. I’m working every weekend, and the first weekend every night. We’re even working New Year’s Eve, which is a first in several years since my bandleader started getting hired at an event in NC with another singer (harrumph). All of this impinges on my ability to be in my shack in silence in the desert which is all I really care about. Even though I have no reason to think we will one day have a completed cabin - my contractor is still delaying week by week; right now he’s promising to be done by Thanksgiving, but who knows - I’ve found myself planning for it and thinking about it a lot lately. I hope it’s all I’m picturing. My worst fear is starting to use the place and coming to the unpleasant realization that I just don’t like being out there. However, I think that’s unlikely. Every time I go to the desert I feel instantly relaxed and comfortable - I love the crazy hot winds and endless vistas and ringing silence. It will only get better when the day comes when we can afford ATV’s to scoot around on. I can just picture my dusty tanned desert rat teenaged sons having a blast exploring out there. It’s really going to dramatically change our lives when we have this new place to be every few weeks, our second home. I’m very much looking forward to it; it’s so close I can taste it. 

Dia de Los anti-vaxxers

I woke up today to two angry reacts on a FB post our band made about our vaxx only New Year’s Eve gig, one from this bitch who earlier this year was on my event page encouraging people to sue me over my vaccine requirement, one from some guy who’s FB page is nothing but American flags. They were both blocked, but I’m still buzzing with rage about it. This comes from a weekend of discussion/controversy/debate about whether or not we should cancel a gig we accepted on the premise that the venue would be vaxx only, only now to be told they have no intention of actually checking. We are pulling out of the gig, which is burning a pretty big bridge (these are the people who taught me to lindy hop twenty five years ago), and probably throwing our own event the same night. It’s an ugly time. And quite frankly, I’m exhausted. The idea of having to face all this shit again in a few months when I have to start making plans for my next event fills me with dread. 

Right now, numbers are ticking back up in California. It upsets me on many levels - the main one being that anti-vaxxers use this as an excuse to not bother getting vaccinated. But it also bolsters my plan to continue requiring vaccines for my event, and continue to ban problematic people. But this also sets me up for another spring of hell dealing with these people. Would I rather just let them all in, though? No. So, here we are. In a country full of rage and hatred and death threats. Fun. 

In other news, our first trick or treat back was good. Sadly, I didn’t get any pictures. The reason is, because of Theo’s blow up costume, we had to assemble it when we got out of the car, and it was pitch black and pictures were pretty much impossible. Bobby went as a Dementor, and in his all black costume, I couldn’t get any decent pictures, either. Oh well. The difference this year from 2019 was less participating houses - also, we went too late so many of the houses were done. A note for next year. But everyone had fun - Halloween is so much less stressful with bigger kids! Theo got tons of attention in his costume and Bobby was mildly annoyed - I told him it’s nice to let other people have the spotlight from time to time. I don’t think he internalized this at all, but at least I tried.

Their personalities are really developing now - and I try not to comment on it, because a parent’s verbalized opinion of you becomes your inner voice; I always tell these kids it’s never too late to reinvent yourself. But Bobby is soooo me - shy, easily grossed out, introverted, obsessive, sardonic, sensitive, smart. Theo is so different - friendly, outgoing, physical, a natural performer. I wonder if siblings play off of each other that way, filling in the gaps left. But I love that, as much as Theo is so much under his brother’s thumb, he is still asserting his individuality. I consider my feelings for them often and can honestly say I love them equally - they’re both so unique and so lovable. I can’t begin to imagine what they’ll be like as grown men; it’s still such a mystery. I feel like they’re books I wish I could sneak a peek at the last chapter of and then go back to where we are now. 

As of Halloween eve

Yesterday was not as exhausting as I’d anticipated. We went to a birthday party in a park, which was a nice return to normalcy, then Theo and the F went to another party while Bobby and I stayed home because it was too late to drive to El Segundo for their festival. Then we went to their school’s Halloween Creep Thru (short spooky drive thru in the tiny staff parking lot), then they got dinner while I returned alone to help clean up. I always volunteer for clean up because nobody wants to do that - they want the fun part; the set up, the performing. Sure enough, other than two guys tasked with taking down the major set pieces, it was only me and one other woman plus the two main PTA people actually putting everything away. Everyone was exhausted from having been there for twelve hours, and I got a lot of appreciation which felt good. I don’t know how these full time PTA types do it - they all deserve a medal. 

Funnily enough, after filling out and sending in my application for middle school and mentioning to a school mom friend how I was strategizing it, I discovered I had done everything wrong and had in fact been wrong about the whole process for years. Ha. As would make more sense, you don’t actually apply for middle school every year. You apply the year before you go. Duh. But what you’re supposed to do is apply for elementary school magnet programs you know you can’t possibly get into so you can be waitlisted and rack up points. You won’t even be considered for most good middle school magnets if you don’t have points in your pocket. So you basically have to figure out which these coveted elementary schools are and apply year after year - if you’re wrong and you get accepted and decline, you lose points. Huh. So in a roundabout way my application may actually help me - I accidentally applied for Eagle Rock Elementary, but most likely we won’t get in and I’ll get those points. So…yay? In the Eagle Rock Jr/Sr High zoom, I learned a lot. Most importantly, I learned that while their magnet program is highly coveted, their regular school is excellent, too, and still part of the International Baccalaureate program. So as much as my kid, who is white, stands a good chance of not making it into the magnet, I can still easily get a permit to be allowed into the regular school population and get all the benefits of attending there. This was at the end of a two hour zoom. I was like, why didn’t you just tell me that in the first place? Fuck the magnet program! But at least now I’ll have a plan. B will stay on at this elementary through 6th grade, and that year I’ll apply to the magnet, and if he doesn’t make it (most likely), I’ll go the permit route. And if for whatever reason that fails, he can start at one of two or three other middle schools for 7th grade. And I can keep trying to get him into that school for high school, which is also a possibility. So at least there’s a plan of action now. Funny how no one ever in all these years just simply told me you apply to impossible to get into elementary schools every year in order to rack up points for the one chance you get to apply to middle school. That would have made everything make way more sense and I would have started applying in 2nd grade like I was supposed to. Ugh. 

In other news, kids may be able to get their shots as soon as end of this week or the week after! So excited. Everyone is buzzing about it, but I know vaccination rates for little kids are going to be very low. Well, we’ll be part of it. Sign me up.

After several attempts, I finally spoke to the wedding planner, and everything that came out of that conversation was terrible and disappointing. First, she told me to expect to at least double my wedding budget. Gulp. Then she poo-pooed our idea of a taco truck - referred to them as “fuck you tacos”, as in, we get all these people to drive out to the desert and dress up and then serve them two tacos on a paper plate, fuck you - and then said the catering company we were thinking of will charge us double what was quoted and probably will show up hours late if they show up at all. And didn’t offer any alternatives or other ideas. Then said she had sixteen weddings in the next two weeks so she wouldn’t be available to talk until then, but I really need to mail down a caterer right away, also hair and makeup (ugh). Then said she’d send me a list of the expenses I can expect at this particular venue which she’s worked several times so I could see all the unexpected costs - she never sent it. Now, I can call other wedding planners, and probably will. But the whole conversation was a huge shock, and I’ve been paralyzed ever since. I told the F about it and he said we need to cancel that venue, lose our $10,000 deposit, and start over. I said absolutely not. Like most men, he has zero concept of what things actually cost and how the world actually works. Such as, you don’t get to dictate the terms of a contract when you hire a catering company - they do what they want and you pay or end up in court. He thinks we can get an iron clad contract with the caterer in which we won’t pay one penny more than they quote us. I said it doesn’t work like that. They’ll build in a million caveats in which they can charge more on the day of if they see fit. We came to a stalemate on it. Nothing has happened all week. But recognizing this is now going to cost life changing more money than I’ve anticipated, I sat down and re-wrote an entire new budget for the next thirty years, which no longer includes paying off the house early (sigh), but does include a college fund for the kids, which was the whole purpose of paying off the house anyway. So seeing that made me feel better about everything. Yes, in principle I hate spending a ton of money on a wedding; it’s stupid and wasteful. But we’re committed to this venue, and this venue comes with costs. And the reality is weddings are expensive unless you go tiny, and even if we did cancel and move to somewhere cheap and local and boring, we probably wouldn’t save that much anyway. So, fuck it.

In other “men don’t understand how things work” news, my desert contractor was supposed to start last week, said he’d start next week. Then last night he texted me he’s still closing out his dad’s home (I guess the dad is the one who died of covid) and he needs more time. He still says he’ll finish the place by Thanksgiving. But…all these delays. The F is convinced he’s a complete con artist who is never going to do the job and just robbed us with the full intention of never doing the job. I highly doubt this. I think his life is a mess and he can’t get his shit together. And what do you say to someone who’s dad died of covid?? Unless it’s all an elaborate lie, but honestly, if he really only intended to rob us he would have disappeared ages ago. I still have faith he’ll finish up, I just think it’s going to take fucking forever. And, again, every single weekend for the entire rest of the year is full of stuff to do so we couldn’t go out there before January anyway. It’s telling the F, who’s full of rage about this and convinced we’ve been conned, that’s the hard part. I absolutely hate those conversations. He just doesn’t get it because he’s never hired a contractor for anything ever. Everyone else I tell this story to says “sounds about right”. Sigh. 

Here’s a picture of Theo his teacher sent me from the school’s no-parents Halloween parade.

Halloweening

This weekend was a rush of Halloween stuff, and yet next weekend is even more packed. You wanted the pandemic over so we can all get back to life as it was? Be careful what you wish for. I can honestly say, though, do I find social gatherings more exhausting now because I haven’t done them in eighteen months? No, they were always exhausting. Everything is exhausting when you’re middle aged. 

After a couple of weeks of back and forth and printers failing and children failing to remember to return evaluation request forms…turns out Bobby doesn’t need to be evaluated after all; apparently his OLSAT score still qualifies him to apply for gifted programs. He’s “high ability”. I sure wish someone had just told me this in the first place. But, no harm, no foul - I still have time to apply for the schools we want. Right now I’m focusing on Eagle Rock jr/sr high as my first choice. It’s an International Baccalaureate program, has high college placement, and excellent scores (especially for this area). My only concern is it may be too intense for us - the last thing I want is my kid bogged down with hours and hours of homework like I was at that age; it was miserable. But we’ll never know if Bobby can rise to the challenge if we don’t at least try to have him in an intense program. Also, he may not even be accepted. So there’s that. But in discussing with other parents it does seem the smart thing to do is apply to Eagle Rock only this year (it doesn’t start until 7th grade) and then apply again next year, and next year list the back up schools, which would be Luther Burbank and one other, possibly Washington Irving, which apparently can be gotten into even late. So Bobby will either go to Eagle Rock for 7th and if he doesn’t get in, Luther Burbank for 6th. So at least I have some clarity now. I’m going to an Eagle Rock zoom tonight to get a better picture of the place, and then on Thursday I’ll drive around to look at other schools at least from the outside. 

The city of LA grant was supposed to have launched today - it has not. Also, I was supposed to have a wedding planner from the desert call yesterday after two; she didn’t. And two places I’m waiting on for estimates for catering never answered me. The contractor was supposed to start the cabin this week after two months of neglect; he now says it’ll be next week. Sigh. And so it goes. 

We’re all really “doing” Halloween this year - everyone’s dressing up (me - bumble bee, the F - a frog, Theo - blow up alien carrying kid, Bobby - some scary Harry Potter thing that I don’t know about because Gen X); we’re going back to our Before Times trick or treat spot; I’m going to a Halloween dance on Thursday that I’ve not attended in years; I’m helping out at the school’s drive-through Halloween thing (called In N Ouch - see what they did there??). It’s a lot. But it’s also a lot of fun. It’s not lost on me that one day soon these Halloween-with-kids days will be over forever, so I’m going to enjoy the heck out of every single one we have left. 

Closer

The grant I thought had disappeared, reappeared with its own website and opens for applications next week, hurrah! I also got a notification about a city of LA grant that’s starting next week - it’s very small, only $5000, and done by lottery so not everyone who applies and is eligible will get it - but you best believe I’ll be applying. As the pandemic winds down all this free money will disappear, so I’m going to take advantage of every opportunity I can. Right now my full time job is applying for grants and selling my old stuff on Etsy. Both have turned out to be quite lucrative.

I finally got through to the school principal about having Bobby evaluated for “intellectual ability” and had a frustrating week of back and forth trying to print forms that won’t print, then having to get Bobby to remember to get a paper copy from his teacher (he remembered) then getting him to remember to turn it in (he forgot). Time is running out. I don’t know how, in the vast red-taped bureaucracy that is LAUSD, we can actually get this evaluation done in time for me to apply to schools before the cut off. Also? He may turn out to not actually have any intellectual ability, after all this. I am still utterly clueless as far as what schools to actually apply to. I’m pretty much leaning towards the local school, Luther Burbank, if only for ease of dropping two kids at two different schools for two years. But again this is a big decision and I don’t want to just rush through it without sitting down to consider all the options. It’s weird for me because middle school was not a transition time for me - after shuttling to various elementary schools, when we finally settled in NY I got a scholarship to a small performing arts school that included all grades, so I was there from 5th-8th grade and then opted for a public high school because I was sick of being the poor kid, also because by then my desire to be a child actor had waned so there was really no reason to stay there. So “middle school” being 6th-8th grade only, with no other grades at that school, is not something I personally experienced. 

I have taken a two week break from exercise. I know this isn’t good for me and is not sustainable, so I’ll start back up maybe tomorrow or Monday. Last week I was told to stay off my foot after the skin cancer surgery; this week I threw out my back really bad and could barely walk on Monday and have been slowly regaining mobility since. I guess this is my life now…? Pretty much constant aches and pains, always the same and/or different - my frozen shoulder still persists more than a year and a half later; I have pretty much non-stop skin cancer episodes now, and I tweak my back or neck every few weeks; right now I have a weird knot on my palm that hurts every time I touch anything, which is all of the time. On Monday I visited my 97-year-old friend in the hospital as she needs a heart procedure; she admonished me, as many of the old time dancers before her had, to “never get old”. Too late, apparently! I like to think of myself as healthy and pure - no smoking or drugs or alcohol ever in my life, vegetarian diet since I was 14, exercise (somewhat) regularly, never more than a pound or two “overweight”, surely I’m in better shape than most people my age? I like to think I’ll live a long life and remain relatively healthy, but sometimes I wonder. I often laugh that my F who still smokes all day, eats mostly fast food, and lived a wild life when he was younger, will probably end up outliving me. Who knows? 

After a prolonged process, we finally got a hold of the F’s birth certificate (the original disappeared in the storage unit he stopped paying when we first met, along with all his other belongings). It arrived yesterday, and I was so overjoyed! It means he can get his first passport and finally leave the country, which he’s never done (except to Mexico back in the days when you didn’t need a passport). We need this for our honeymoon trip to Fiji in July which is already bought and paid for. Thinking about him having a passport - and I want to get the boys’ theirs soon, too - makes me think about in a few years’ time starting to take the family on exotic world trips every year. It will be expensive AF so I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be able to afford something like that, but boy would that be the fulfillment of a life dream. I miss going on tours to far-flung places; that’s a part of my pre-children life I’d really like to revisit. And with the F’s natural curiosity and wonder at the world, I can see him losing his mind at some of these places. He doesn’t know what he’s been missing all this time. I think the best trips for us could include: Nile River tour with all the hot spots (I’ve been to Egypt but only one day for the pyramids), Galápagos Islands, Machu Picchu, Costa Rica, Vietnam and Cambodia (my favorite trip), Greek islands, Iceland, Morocco. Now I just need to find tours that aren’t full of Trump supporters. Ha. 

Here are the boys’ school pictures this year. Bobby looks slightly drunk, but otherwise I think these are a decent representation of them.

Updates (aren’t they all…?)

I heard from my friend. She of course read my blog and will no doubt read this. She apologized and said she has, in fact, had a life-changing event that she can’t talk about yet. So it’s not me. And now I feel terrible that, as a friend, I can’t be some kind of help or comfort in what’s obviously a terrible time. I told her I’m here for her if she needs me and she said thanks. It’s funny how quickly one’s incandescent rage can melt under just a few words. I feel relieved but also sad and concerned. It must be something pretty terrible because she’s a tough cookie and isn’t thrown by much in life. I’ll be holding her in my thoughts.

Yesterday we went to our first “tasting” of potential wedding food. It was a bit of a bagunça. The place was far as fuck - Temecula - and the woman there was flustered and somewhat unprepared for us. There were three tiny meat tacos for us to try - so, nothing for vegetarian me, although that’s my fault because I didn’t tell them - and everything was super basic. But, that was kind of the point; this is the cheap option. The woman said they probably don’t go to Yucca Valley although that was the first thing I confirmed with whoever I was texting. I think this business is a) blowing up a little too fast and they’re unprepared and overwhelmed, and b) suffering the help/supply shortages that are happening right now. I’m a little reluctant to put my wedding in their hands, honestly. But it doesn’t matter - we’ve got another tasting today and one in Nov as well and I’m also waiting on a couple more estimates. I’ll be happy when this catering stuff is done. It’s a huge amount of work for me and I’m pretty out of my depth with this stuff.

Friday my band spent the day filming some videos, something we’ve never done. But a friend in Korea wanted some videos for his wedding, and we needed some promo material, so we crashed the house of a wealthy dancer in Brentwood and shot some songs with dancers in attendance. It was really nice. I do miss that aspect of my life even though I enjoy my gig-free weekends. I so hope we can get back to international travel. I don’t know if that part of our band life will ever return, but I’m hoping. 

In thinking about the boys and sports and activities, I’ve decided to look into capoeira for them. It’s the perfect combo of dance, music, martial arts and culture - how much would it thrill me for these kids to learn about their 1/4 Brazilian background - and there’s a highly rated studio near us that’s having a special next month. So I’ll get us started on that. 

I’m still completely flummoxed about what to do about applying for middle schools for B. The principal never answered my request to have Bobby evaluated - I may go over her head to his actual teacher who is the person in charge of evaluations at their school - or hit her up one more time. I have to submit applications in about three weeks. Time is of the essence. 

One more week, maybe, until the contractor re-starts our cabin…? I find myself thinking about it all the time. I miss the desert, and Theo keeps asking when we’re going on a trip again. I hope I’m not overestimating what it’s going to feel like to go out there. What if it’s boring and we hate it? What if it’s constantly vandalized? What if we never have time to spend out there? So many things can go wrong. Or, we could love it and it could enhance our family life in a positive way. Which I think is more likely.

A letter to you

Today’s going to be a little different. This post is for my friend who most certainly will be reading this, to explain my take on what happened.

For everyone else - this is about my hairdresser/friend who was one of the first people I met when I started swing dancing in 1996. We were on a dance team together; she’s a hairdresser so became my hairdresser shortly thereafter. We bonded over our narcissistic mothers, traveled to Hawaii and New Orleans, usually had dinner after our appointment and talked about anything and everything. You can imagine the ups and downs that happen in two people’s lives over 25 years. Is this person my best friend? No, and I’m sure she’d say the same. But I definitely consider her an important person in my life, no doubt. 

At our last appointment a couple of weeks ago I brought up the subject of her doing my hair for the wedding, and I thought made it clear that this was not a pre-condition for being there, that she’s my hairdresser so of course I want her to do my hair for it but also I want to invite her and her husband as my guests whether she does my hair or not, and asked her rates for something like that (I in no way expected this to be free or discounted). She said we’d talk about my ideas. I said cool. Again I did not expect her to definitely do this for me - maybe she didn’t want to work, maybe doing brides is a drag, who knows. No expectations, just discussion. 

So over the following days she texted me with questions about my ideas, pictures, if I’m using a veil, etc. Then out of nowhere I get this weird, bot-like text on Saturday saying “I’m not available for your June 4 wedding” followed by a recommendation for someone else. I text thanks. Then it dawns on me what’s really happening here.

She doesn’t want to do my hair, fine. I find it very difficult to believe she actually magically has a conflict on that day that she suddenly can’t get out of, so I think that’s total bullshit. But she’s also telling me, I’ve decided I’m not going to your wedding. For no other reason than she just doesn’t want to go.

This ate at me all weekend and was the reason I was upset but I just couldn’t articulate it even to myself at the time. I was saying to myself, it’s fine, she doesn’t want to go, that’s cool. Then I realized - wait, what? She’s deciding for something nine months from now that she’s just out because she just doesn’t feel like it…? This person I’ve known for half my life, who I’ve traveled with and cried with and seen go through sobriety…? And she can’t even do me the courtesy of an actual explanation or apology or anything other than “I’m unavailable” like I’m some fucking walk in client she’s never met before? Are you fucking kidding me???

Naturally I ran this by some friends to see if I was crazy for suddenly feeling really hurt and angry. One pointed out maybe she was offended I asked her to work. Ok…maybe, despite how clear I thought I was being, that’s it? I also thought the weird bot-like text might have been an actual mistake. So I sent a text saying I was bummed that she couldn’t be at the wedding because I was looking forward to having my oldest friends all together but I understand if she has a conflict. Hoping, again, to get a rational explanation - my brother’s getting married on that day, I’m going to be out of the country on the trip of a lifetime, I’m planning on having cancer next June, anything. What do I get? A heart on my text. That’s it. 

Is she still offended I asked her to work? Let me ask you this - wouldn’t it be way, way more offensive to not ask the person who’s done your hair for 25 years to do your hair for your wedding? I understand this kind of stuff can be messy, but come on. 

There’s another layer to this that makes me question what happened. At our last appointment the conversation - and it was a good one - revolved around her working with a business coach-type person who’s encouraging her to work towards molding her clientele to what she wants and not just take every job and client. Basically, a few clients were on the chopping block (not me, she stressed). She’s learning to say no and not take on things that are inconvenient. I encouraged all this, as I’m on a similar track with my business. I can only imagine that somewhere between texting me for wedding hair ideas and that weekend she just decided I don’t want to do this and decided to tell me in the coldest, shittiest way possible, without even the courtesy of an elaborate lie to save my feelings (I’m planning on having cancer next June).

But really none of this matters - the real question is…why don’t you want to go to your friend’s wedding? Because it’s too far to drive, because there’s alcohol there, because it’s old friends you don’t want to deal with, because the whole thing is just not interesting to you? Or what this whole episode actually says to me - you just don’t care about me enough to go. And that tells me everything I need to know.

I had an appointment scheduled for next month. I texted telling her I was canceling. Once again, no do you want to reschedule, is everything ok, no nothing, just an infuriatingly happy “okay!” What the actual fuck. Wow. So this is all I mean to you. Just a pain in the ass client to be discarded without a second thought. While you’re on this coach-inspired scorched earth tear you might want to think about the things and people you’ll alienate along the way on this journey of everything now being only about what works for you.

You are a shitty friend. 

In this life you fucking show up for people. You wish them happy birthday, you check in on them when they’re sick, you visit their new baby (as you did with me), you comfort them when a loved one dies, and you fucking go to their wedding. You go even if it’s far and you tell them they look beautiful even if they don’t and tell them you’re having a great time even if you’re not. 

I think I fooled myself into thinking it’s ok if people don’t show up for me for this, that it’s just a wedding, it’s not a big deal. But you know what? It’s a big fucking deal. I’m going to be 50, spent my entire adult life single and alone so much so that I had to go to extraordinary lengths to have children by myself, and now I’m getting married which is making me happy and I really want a day of your time to come celebrate me. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. And once again…why wouldn’t you want to come…? That’s the real question.

So I’m writing this mainly to get it out of my system (I am furious) but also to tell how this feels and looks to me. And why maybe at first I was ok but after really thinking about it it occurred to me that this is complete and utter bullshit. You’re acting like I don’t matter to you and you don’t really care about me. You certainly have zero interest in attempting to explain, or to rescue this friendship. You’re happy to see me just walk away after 25 years. What is wrong with you??

So that’s it. Adult friendships are hard, and this situation ain’t my first rodeo, for sure. It hurts and I’m sad and I’ll miss my friend but I guess I just have to move on and accept that I grossly overestimated my value in this person’s life. Now excuse me while I go punch a wall. 

On guilt and motherhood

I had an off weekend. I’m not sure what’s going on with me - but as usual I’m sure it’s not one thing but a collection of seemingly small yet triggering things that set me off on a downward spiral. I’m mostly ok now - I think I’ve felt all the feelings and am now sick of them and ready to move on. But I thought it was worth digesting one more time.

Mostly, I feel guilty. I feel like I’m letting my kids down by not having them in activities and not having gotten them into sports when I had the chance. I feel like I’m the only person on earth who doesn’t have their kids engaged in afterschool stuff and sports. I keep telling myself that a) the pandemic fucked everything up in this department and once it winds down for real (spring?) I can make up for lost time, b) I’m not really in any kind of financial position to sign up for hundreds of dollars a month in activities, c) the kids are thriving and happy so who the eff cares? And yet. 

We had a long, boring, unfocused weekend in which the kids were mostly in their pajamas with unbrushed teeth and I puttered around aimlessly. See, what had happened was…this was supposed to be our first weekend in the cabin. Which we all know can’t happen, and won’t happen, for months (contractor told me yesterday he’s not returning to do any work for at least two more weeks. Good times). Because I had to go to a wedding late Friday I couldn’t realistically make plans for us to do anything else - like camping or a short road trip or anything like that (I probably would have used our credit to stay at that cabin in Cambria we got canceled out of last May). And so I just left the weekend open. But that didn’t feel as good as I thought it would. The F is terrible at making plans, so we sat around all day in an endless round of “what do you want to do? I don’t know, what do you want to do?” while he futilely looked up things to do with kids in LA and restaurants, not finding anything for hours, until I suggested we go to this beer garden-type place with a play yard the kids could at least run around in. Upon getting there, the play yard was gone. I spent $120 on a very mediocre lunch (still don’t know how that happened), we went to a park where Theo fell off his bike into a rose bush and tore up his leg something awful, we came home and struggled to figure out what to do about dinner at nine o’clock at night. Then yesterday the F got to the important work of fixing all of our leaking/stuck bathroom fixtures (I’m very grateful he’s up to the task of tackling things like this) while I futzed around and read and de-seeded pomegranates. I somewhat redeemed myself by cooking us all dinner and making apple cider donut holes, but mostly I just felt like a big fat failure all weekend.

Why? Well, mostly dumb reasons - seeing everyone’s family fun pumpkin patch pictures, drive-in pictures, beach day pictures…again, everyone in the world, it seems, did something fun last weekend. Why didn’t we go to a pumpkin patch? Because the half-sisters reached out to us to go, and I’m waiting to make a plan with them. So that was off the table. And again, the home repairs were urgent so that had to happen (we couldn’t turn the cold tap on the bathroom sink hardly at all). But then there was a discussion in one of my mom groups about how to build resilience in children and much of the discussion was about getting kids into sports and activities. And I see how much these things take over adult lives - just Friday night at the wedding I had a discussion with a mom of boys about how much she hates having to drag herself to early morning games and practices and how if her husband hadn’t insisted the kids be in sports, she never would have done it. Some years ago the F suggested I get the boys into little league or some such thing - I said I would if he took full responsibility for all the games and practices and other crap you have to do, and that was the last I heard of it. 

So it was a weekend of social media FOMO and mild shaming - something I typically avoid, but this topic touches a nerve with me because I do feel guilt about it and question if I’m doing the right thing by currently doing nothing. Part of me, too, is so intensely still hurt by our whole violin debacle that I’m just gun shy now about picking something for these kids to do, forcing them to continue when they inevitably don’t want to, dragging it out for everyone, only to be fired at the end anyway and all that work, money, and commitment goes right down the drain and was for absolutely nothing. To say I’m scarred by that whole incident is an understatement. 

The question is, what do you do when your kids don’t seem to show much interest or aptitude in anything? Other than watching gamer videos? I always swore up and down I wouldn’t be the kind of parent that would just let their kids wallow on YouTube all day…and yet that’s exactly how we live, and I’m intensely ashamed of it. Yet I don’t know how to fix it. What, exactly, do you do with kids when they get home from school? I mean when they’ve done homework and eaten and all that? Is it terrible to allow them downtime after a long day? Do you need to constantly engage them like they’re still toddlers? (trust me…they don’t want this). Didn’t we all just veg out in front of the tv every spare minute when we were this age? Was that bad for us?

What I should be doing is just picking things for them to do and trying them out, like other parents. But the mental energy this takes - not to mention financial commitment - sounds utterly exhausting to me. What/when/where? How to do research on all these things, where to take them, what teachers to get, and right now with covid still in our lives, too…it’s just complicated. I want them to learn instruments, but they have zero interest in this. Theo might still be into sports - or maybe martial arts. He’s very physical. I could consider getting them into some kind of martial art; I think they’d both respond well to the discipline and physicality of it. But I do worry if they’d then spend all their waking lives beating the crap out of each other. This is the most likely option for them, but again I might wait at least until they’re fully vaccinated before considering this. 

I look ahead to the next couple of months and, until our Thanksgiving trip, we have a lot of weekends with, frustratingly, one or two small things we have to do that make it impossible to go on an actual trip, and yet don’t take up enough time to make an actual fun weekend. We could have been spending time out at the cabin - that’s what this whole fall was supposed to be about. I’m so annoyed. 

I started reading a book called The Lost Daughter which, as promised, has been a real gut punch regarding mothers and daughters, and in particular abandoning mothers and mothers who can’t differentiate between themselves and their daughters. Mothers who tell their daughters they never should have been mothers (WHY) and feel vaguely or not-so-vaguely competitive with them. As much as I often bemoan the fact that I’ll never have a daughter (out of earshot of my boys, of course!) - the F recently asked me if it was hard to be the only girl in the house, and I said emphatically, YES - there’s still a part of me that’s glad I have boys because it’s just so much less complicated. I don’t have to worry about differentiating from them - they are nothing like me; they are aliens. They will only become more alien-like as they get older and turn into men. I don’t understand how their brains work, what they want, what they think about. I do my best to be compassionate and nurturing while they still let me, but mostly I just leave them be because I believe that’s what’s best, and I want them to be independent. So we have the gender gap - they are men, and therefore incomprehensible to me - but, more worryingly, the generation gap, in which these children are growing up with social media and at their age I was still using a (shared) rotary phone. I truly feel like the only time we’re having a similar experience - all doing the same thing at the same time - is when we’re in the wilderness. It’s no wonder that’s where I’m happiest and most satisfied with family life. 

Tomorrow is the middle school fair (zoom), and apparently middle school applications have to be in by mid-November. Schools still aren’t offering any kind of tours (covid), so it looks like I’m stuck doing online research (ugh) and watching tour videos to get any kind of sense of what these schools are like. I had started to get interested in this one hippy-dippy school until I read the Yelp reviews; like often happens with these types of schools,  it looks like it’s loud and chaotic, and all the troubled kids who couldn’t hack normal public schools end up going there and bullying the other kids with zero repercussions. Yeah, no. This is a huge, life changing decision, and I feel completely overwhelmed and out of my depth. I’m so scared of making the wrong call and sending Bobby to a school where he’ll be miserable - or worse, harmed. And I have to make, and commit to, decisions right now that we then have to live with for years. 

It’s just all so hard.