A letter to you

Today’s going to be a little different. This post is for my friend who most certainly will be reading this, to explain my take on what happened.

For everyone else - this is about my hairdresser/friend who was one of the first people I met when I started swing dancing in 1996. We were on a dance team together; she’s a hairdresser so became my hairdresser shortly thereafter. We bonded over our narcissistic mothers, traveled to Hawaii and New Orleans, usually had dinner after our appointment and talked about anything and everything. You can imagine the ups and downs that happen in two people’s lives over 25 years. Is this person my best friend? No, and I’m sure she’d say the same. But I definitely consider her an important person in my life, no doubt. 

At our last appointment a couple of weeks ago I brought up the subject of her doing my hair for the wedding, and I thought made it clear that this was not a pre-condition for being there, that she’s my hairdresser so of course I want her to do my hair for it but also I want to invite her and her husband as my guests whether she does my hair or not, and asked her rates for something like that (I in no way expected this to be free or discounted). She said we’d talk about my ideas. I said cool. Again I did not expect her to definitely do this for me - maybe she didn’t want to work, maybe doing brides is a drag, who knows. No expectations, just discussion. 

So over the following days she texted me with questions about my ideas, pictures, if I’m using a veil, etc. Then out of nowhere I get this weird, bot-like text on Saturday saying “I’m not available for your June 4 wedding” followed by a recommendation for someone else. I text thanks. Then it dawns on me what’s really happening here.

She doesn’t want to do my hair, fine. I find it very difficult to believe she actually magically has a conflict on that day that she suddenly can’t get out of, so I think that’s total bullshit. But she’s also telling me, I’ve decided I’m not going to your wedding. For no other reason than she just doesn’t want to go.

This ate at me all weekend and was the reason I was upset but I just couldn’t articulate it even to myself at the time. I was saying to myself, it’s fine, she doesn’t want to go, that’s cool. Then I realized - wait, what? She’s deciding for something nine months from now that she’s just out because she just doesn’t feel like it…? This person I’ve known for half my life, who I’ve traveled with and cried with and seen go through sobriety…? And she can’t even do me the courtesy of an actual explanation or apology or anything other than “I’m unavailable” like I’m some fucking walk in client she’s never met before? Are you fucking kidding me???

Naturally I ran this by some friends to see if I was crazy for suddenly feeling really hurt and angry. One pointed out maybe she was offended I asked her to work. Ok…maybe, despite how clear I thought I was being, that’s it? I also thought the weird bot-like text might have been an actual mistake. So I sent a text saying I was bummed that she couldn’t be at the wedding because I was looking forward to having my oldest friends all together but I understand if she has a conflict. Hoping, again, to get a rational explanation - my brother’s getting married on that day, I’m going to be out of the country on the trip of a lifetime, I’m planning on having cancer next June, anything. What do I get? A heart on my text. That’s it. 

Is she still offended I asked her to work? Let me ask you this - wouldn’t it be way, way more offensive to not ask the person who’s done your hair for 25 years to do your hair for your wedding? I understand this kind of stuff can be messy, but come on. 

There’s another layer to this that makes me question what happened. At our last appointment the conversation - and it was a good one - revolved around her working with a business coach-type person who’s encouraging her to work towards molding her clientele to what she wants and not just take every job and client. Basically, a few clients were on the chopping block (not me, she stressed). She’s learning to say no and not take on things that are inconvenient. I encouraged all this, as I’m on a similar track with my business. I can only imagine that somewhere between texting me for wedding hair ideas and that weekend she just decided I don’t want to do this and decided to tell me in the coldest, shittiest way possible, without even the courtesy of an elaborate lie to save my feelings (I’m planning on having cancer next June).

But really none of this matters - the real question is…why don’t you want to go to your friend’s wedding? Because it’s too far to drive, because there’s alcohol there, because it’s old friends you don’t want to deal with, because the whole thing is just not interesting to you? Or what this whole episode actually says to me - you just don’t care about me enough to go. And that tells me everything I need to know.

I had an appointment scheduled for next month. I texted telling her I was canceling. Once again, no do you want to reschedule, is everything ok, no nothing, just an infuriatingly happy “okay!” What the actual fuck. Wow. So this is all I mean to you. Just a pain in the ass client to be discarded without a second thought. While you’re on this coach-inspired scorched earth tear you might want to think about the things and people you’ll alienate along the way on this journey of everything now being only about what works for you.

You are a shitty friend. 

In this life you fucking show up for people. You wish them happy birthday, you check in on them when they’re sick, you visit their new baby (as you did with me), you comfort them when a loved one dies, and you fucking go to their wedding. You go even if it’s far and you tell them they look beautiful even if they don’t and tell them you’re having a great time even if you’re not. 

I think I fooled myself into thinking it’s ok if people don’t show up for me for this, that it’s just a wedding, it’s not a big deal. But you know what? It’s a big fucking deal. I’m going to be 50, spent my entire adult life single and alone so much so that I had to go to extraordinary lengths to have children by myself, and now I’m getting married which is making me happy and I really want a day of your time to come celebrate me. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. And once again…why wouldn’t you want to come…? That’s the real question.

So I’m writing this mainly to get it out of my system (I am furious) but also to tell how this feels and looks to me. And why maybe at first I was ok but after really thinking about it it occurred to me that this is complete and utter bullshit. You’re acting like I don’t matter to you and you don’t really care about me. You certainly have zero interest in attempting to explain, or to rescue this friendship. You’re happy to see me just walk away after 25 years. What is wrong with you??

So that’s it. Adult friendships are hard, and this situation ain’t my first rodeo, for sure. It hurts and I’m sad and I’ll miss my friend but I guess I just have to move on and accept that I grossly overestimated my value in this person’s life. Now excuse me while I go punch a wall.