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Thankfully, my negative feelings about performing dissipated. I had a better time at our amusement park gigs on Friday and Sunday, for a variety of reasons. One, we got to use a piano player who was a delight who I haven’t seen since I was pregnant with Bobby (he said I looked “exactly the same”, and I’m a sucker for a compliment), another was I killed a new song I was worried about because I practiced the shit out of it all week, and finally, I sent a text to my bandleader friend suggesting we retire the sort of insult comedy dynamic we’d had going for the last few years and instead just be kind to each other, to which he readily agreed. I mean, I can bro it up with the best of them, but I found this toxic dynamic we’d created for ourselves was putting me in a negative mindset, and it was also exhausting always having to come up with snarky rejoinders. Knowing I’m walking in to a safe place where we all respect each other as colleagues and fellow artists has been a game changer and has definitely contributed to my more positive feelings about remaining in this band. 

I have my prejudices about being in mask-free Orange County and sincerely want to ask some of the people in the audience if they can account for their whereabouts on January 6th, but I also have to admit they’ve been very appreciative and pleasant and may not necessarily have harbored any fantasies of storming the capital. One more show on Sunday and then I am officially done. Huzzah.

The boys are enjoying a partial return to normal Christmas activities at school - they both sang in their Christmas program yesterday (supposedly the parents will be supplied with a video of said performance at some point - Theo sang Nat King Cole’s “L-O-V-E”, Bobby sang “California Dreamin’”). Tomorrow at 10 AM I watch Bobby in his play on zoom, some kind of Russian folk tale that he has a few lines in. They are attempting to do a spirit week at school - every day they have to wear something we don’t have - turtlenecks, sweaters, red and white clothes, etc. It’s Los Angeles, people. These kids barely have socks. 

If all goes well we will be on a plane to Maui on Monday. I find myself after two cancellations convinced something is going to go wrong to prevent us from going - apart from the more outlandish things like injuries or car accidents or natural disasters - I worry about more likely things, like one of us getting covid. Every day I make sure I can still smell and taste things. I uploaded all our info to the safe travels system; now 24 hours before I just have to fill out health questionnaires and that should cover all the new requirements. Still, with all the steps between now and then and all the things that can go wrong - getting our parking at the airport, getting on the flight, getting our rental car, getting to the hotel - I’m a bundle of nerves. I find I’m worrying constantly about every little thing, and yet everything is fine. I think it’s just a very complicated couple of weeks with a lot of obligations and new things and it’s all a bit overwhelming. 

Still, we’re at the worst of California winter here - pouring rain today and dropping into the 30s at night, we’re all chilled to the bone - so the very idea of enjoying a little tropical summer for a week, even if there’s rain forecasted every day, sounds pretty awesome.