This morning I woke up next to my plump, red-cheeked, smiling little Gingy boy, who was all full of piss and vinegar and ready to take on the day. Then I immediately thought of the twenty families who for the first time are waking up without their children, and it was almost unbearable to me.
I think it's ok to admit that I'm traumatized by what happened yesterday. I'm not just pretending so I look like a good person who cares - I'm actually really devastated. I have a singing gig tonight and the idea of getting all festively dressed up and singing happy Christmas songs kind of makes me sick. I need to put my usual Christmas joy on hold for just a few days. It just doesn't feel right or appropriate to be celebrating right now.
I tried yesterday to keep mentally active thinking about other things in order to avoid going down the rabbit hole, but go I did. And then I started imagining all the scenarios. And thinking about all the cruelty to children around the world, throughout history. Thinking about that This American Life episode about the massacres in Guatemala in the 80s. Then I was checking my fellow blogs and discovered to my horror that one pregnant blogger went into labor at nineteen weeks and had to watch her tiny baby die in her arms. I can't stand it. Where do you go from there? What do you do?
I always swore I wouldn't be one of those people who becomes a mother and then wimps out - ie, loses a sense of humor and irony, can't handle watching movies or TV shows about serial killers, etc. but I have to admit - it's kind of happening to me. I thought it was hormonal (and it may well be), but I find it harder and harder to watch anything that involves death or injury or people being cruel to each other, particularly cruelty to babies, children, or animals. I have a friend who is extremely sensitive and can't handle anything dark or negative at all - whenever we're going to see a movie she asks if there's going to be Peril in it, and if there is, she can't hang. I kind of get it now. I find I need to surround myself with a lot more positivity than I used to need to. Especially after things like yesterday happen.
Of course it's all over FB, and it's interesting to see how people react in situations like this. Many get angry and use it to push their political agendas (pro or anti gun). Many use it to push their religious (read: Christian) agendas. Most of us just said we're sorry and we're going to hug our kids extra tight. But I can tell based on this morning's feed that some people are moving on and some aren't. I fall into the latter category.
You want to know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of mentally ill, fucked up teenaged and twenty-something white men taking out their anger and insecurities on innocent people. Go do martial arts, go travel, get in the military, do something to focus that rage. You've got every frigging advantage in this world - use it! I know these guys are sick and not in control of themselves, but right now I don't really care. I'm just sick and tired of innocent people being killed and suffering. Ok. That's enough from me. I'm going to go slather my face with makeup, put on a holiday dress, go to my gig, and try to pretend I'm not weeping inside.
Just further proof that if you want something done right in this world, you have to do it yourself. Another anxiety-addled blog about the pursuit of single motherhood. Join me, won't you?
I really relate to what you said. I can't stop thinking about those children & parents & families. Traumatized is the right word. I don't need these tragedies to remind me to hug my kid tight. What I mean is not only do these tragedies remind me to hold her tight but they also remind me what can go wrong. How thin the line is between security & have the bottom fall out of my world. I don't think these tragedies affected me as much before because I didn't have as much to lose. I can't (& am too afraid to) even begin to imagine what those parents are going thru.
ReplyDeleteSo, here's my thought: I have noticed that many of these shooters were being treated for mental health issues. Right before they shoot some place up, there are many red flags that are noted by mental health professionals, but they are often ignored or not taken seriously. I have worked in my field for 10 years, and I have seen this happen many times with my patients/clients. Although I have never had someone in crisis complete suicide, many have attempted after I had tried to get them hospitalized to no avail. No one I've worked with has tried to harm another person, but there was one man who said he wished he could get away with shooting his wife. Yes, there's a shortage of mental health beds in this state, but for Christ sake, there is a hospital that will keep them in the ER until one becomes available. I think that many of these tragedies can be prevented. The answer is not more gun control; most guns used to commit crimes weren't obtained legally anyways. It's having the "experts" step up to the plate and do their f*cking jobs!
ReplyDeleteOf course, I'm heart broken for the parents who lost their children. I just wish that all preventative measures could be explored, not just the ones that are motivated by some big shot's political agenda.
I'm also really struggling with moving on. As a parent and a teacher, it feels so personal, even though I have absolutely no connection to any of the people that were involved.
ReplyDeleteI'm reading this late, but... I'm still thinking about it. Still trying to figure out how to "move on". Still scared sh!tless of losing my baby. I just keep thinking about all that can go wrong, all that can happen - and does happen - to children. Of course, working in a pediatric emergency department doesn't help! But I'm with you - it's a tough thing to deal with, especially as new mothers. Wish I had advice for you, but I don't. Hang in there...
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