Doing It

First off let me say I'm glad I'm not the only one still freaked out by the shootings in Newtown. I was beginning to think I was being a drama queen by being convinced we were going to get into a car accident every time we went out, or obsessively checking B's breathing as he slept. But I guess in a sense it's kind of normal after a traumatizing event. I have a very hollow, post-9/11 feeling, like the world is no longer safe and good. This situation just feels so hopeless. How do you lock up every angry young man, even if they have no criminal record? How do you take assault rifles out of every private arsenal? How do you keep your child safe when they're not under your personal care (or even when they are)? The answer to all of these questions is - you don't. And that scares the crap out of me.

But in an effort to stay positive, today I was thinking about the power of being "in it". There were so many things about parenting I thought would be so impossible...and no doubt some things have been difficult...and yet here we are, my boy is just days shy of nine months old, and we're just...doing it. Every day he eats, is changed, sleeps, plays, and is kept healthy and happy. Somehow babysitting always works out one way or the other; bills get paid, food gets cooked, needs are met. All by me, alone. And it's really not that hard.

Naturally I've been lucky to have a healthy baby, and one who is easy. Apart from the very beginning and various episodes of pain, breastfeeding has been a snap. Apart from still being woken up every couple of hours to eat, the sleep thing isn't too terrible. He entertains himself easily, likes people, and his upsets are directly tied to something (fatigue, hunger, boredom, pain). Today I had a huge, complex and wordy web site update to make, and B just played in his playpen the whole two or so hours this took, barely making a peep. He's amazing.

So often I still find myself in that "what if" state (especially lately), thinking ahead and wondering how I'm going to make it through such-and-such event, what am I going to do, how am I going to make it work...and yet a little advice from friends, a little thinking outside the box, and next thing I know we're on to the next month.

Here I am, doing it. A year ago I was heading to my third trimester, wondering about what it would be like next Christmas with a crawling, solid-eating, nine month old baby. I wondered what I would be like - would I be happy? Would I have any regrets? Would my friendships change? Would I be lonely? What would my body be like? Would I enjoy being a parent? Would I feel different? At this moment I can honestly say it's been great. And that's saying a lot, coming from me.