Worst.Mother.Ever

Last night I took Bumpus along to my gig. I do not know what possessed me to do such a thing - I don't think I really thought it through, between you and me. I just pictured him in his little elf costume and how everyone would love to see him and all the great photos I'd get. And those things were true. But what was also true was by halfway through the gig he was over it and fussy and squirmy as heck, and then I thought I'd hold him on my lap while judging the contest in order to spare my friends, and he worked up to a full meltdown and screamed all the way through it, and I was trapped in the row of judges and could do nothing but hold my squirming, screaming baby, and oh, it was just horrible. I felt like a total asshole.

Truthfully no one else even noticed. And I have to remember when I see people with crying babies I never think, "they're bad parents because their baby is crying." I just think, "babies cry." But a few people mentioned "past his bed time, huh?" (even though he was up until midnight at home the night before), so it didn't go entirely unnoticed that I had a cranky baby on my hands. I think it was the lack of control that bugged me - at home, he never gets hysterical, barely even cries, because I'm always able to meet his needs before it gets to that point. So he's a happy boy at home. Not so when we're out or traveling. Definitely makes me second guess that proposed Canadian gig next May, for sure.

Other than that we did get good photos, everyone remarked on how beautiful I looked (and who can ever get enough of hearing that...?) and I actually (gasp) danced, and that felt great. Since we have no gigs in Feb or March I may set aside a couple of dance nights for myself. I really, really need it.

Still there's no getting around how totally ghetto it feels to be wheeling your baby son home at one o'clock in the morning past piles of vomit and drunken partiers on the street, in a fringed dress and high heels and too much makeup. Yeesh.