Last night I mentioned on FB that I was keeping the baby up late so he wouldn't wake me up early; another mother proudly wrote that her six month old daughter has been sleeping straight through from 8 PM to 7 AM every night after she did sleep training, and talked about how great it is to have time to herself, to get things done, etc. Suddenly having a baby who nurses to sleep every night within minutes, sleeps a good 10-11 hours every night, but always wakes to nurse four to five times during the night, didn't seem so great. And it made me think I've failed him, and myself, by not taking a better stab at sleep training. Honestly I'm happy with everything about our arrangement except the repeated waking a at night. As I've written recently it is kind of getting to me. I'm very foggy and tired most of the time. I hate to read on my birth boards about all the babies that sleep through the night. It makes me feel like a big fat failure.
Then there's the Christmas stuff on FB - all the babies with cute outfits (the only remotely festive thing Bumpus has to wear is a black t shirt with a skull in a Santa hat on it), the professional photo shoots, the amazing crafts everyone's doing. But wait - aren't I doing crafts? Yes, they've mostly revolved around candy making, which is mostly soggy peppermints with my fingerprints in them that turn to liquid the second they leave the freezer. The sugar scrubs, scented laundry detergent, and caramel sauce have yet to be actualized.
Yesterday I went to visit Bed Rest Friend in the hospital again (brought her said melty peppermints & coconut balls). I asked if anyone told her why her cervix shortened like it did, or if it was just random. She said it can be just random - but mentioned she had two markers for the condition - one, having done IVF, and two, having had surgery for pre-cancerous cells on her cervix some years ago. So hopefully that will be helpful information for someone out there.
She mentioned when she tries for a second baby that they will do a preventative cerclage at 14 weeks and she can avoid this situation entirely. I was kind of surprised she was even considering another baby...but then again, they do have several frozen embryos, and if she's pretty much guaranteed a viable pregnancy with a preventative measure against being on bed rest again, why not? Which then made me ask myself...is my old jealousy going to return if she has two awesome kids and I just have one...? I hope not. I hope like with most things since B was born, I just won't have the mental energy to focus on unimportant, petty emotions like that!
I am trying to get my event together but am really hitting some roadblocks - mainly, that because it's a holiday weekend, most of the best musicians are out of town playing at festivals, or otherwise just don't want to commit until the last minute, which of course doesn't work for me. So I may have dodged a bullet as far as hiring instructors, but now I'm screwed on the band front. Sigh.
Still, I have high hopes that I will increase my attendance by the date move, which increases my income, which allows me to relax and save money, which makes me very happy. And don't get me wrong - I'm still really enjoying the season and pretty proud of myself for all the work I've done around here; just every once in a while it feels like nothing will ever be enough.
A friend with a 21-year-old son pointed out to me on FB when I mentioned having spent hours lighting the house that when her son was little she would spend hours looking for the "perfect" tree, that everything had to be "just right", but as he grew she realized what really matters is the togetherness the holidays bring. Something to remember, huh?
ReplyDeleteI love the snuggly, coziness of this photograph! That is the way I hope to look back on my son's childhood.
As for the sleeping, as long as the situation works for you, then I would't worry if it is perfect or not.
I love the pic at the end of this post! And I agree that the judginess and comparisons are very annoying. I think if you're happy with what you're doing - then good. End of story! :)
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