Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Worst possible outcome


So today pretty much was the worst it could possibly be, short of there being anything wrong with the baby.  My first blood pressure reading was sky high, so after monitoring me for about 45 minutes they sent me for blood work and then to L&D. Then they also monitored me, my blood pressure, pulse, and went over my results. For hours. And all that happened was several doctors in a row came in and told me that my condition is escalating and they strongly recommend I induce RIGHT NOW. They did a cervical check. Not dilated AT ALL. It was excruciatingly painful as expected. And confirmed for me my suspicions that my body is nowhere near ready to go into labor. But as I had feared, I kind of don’t have a leg to stand on anymore. I am going to be forced to induce this baby out against my will and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I had to sign a paper that I don’t hold them responsible if my baby dies just to be let out of the building. They said if the baby had showed any signs of distress that they wouldn’t have let me go at all, and are still strongly advising against it. The last of three doctors who tried to bully me into staying was ironically the one that came down to the emergency room when I had the miscarriage. I’m glad he didn’t remember me.

I have an appointment with the midwife tomorrow. Of course I’ll go over this with her, but I don’t know what she’s going to be able to tell me except just go through with it, that there’s no point in dragging this out and taking such a risk. So, what am I going to do? I don’t know. I can’t make that decision right now. I’ve asked my sister to fly out tomorrow, I’m dropping the dog at the kennel, and making plans to be stuck at the hospital for an appalling 5-7 days (apparently that’s how long inductions can take – news to me). I’m pretty much preparing mentally to be induced in the next couple of days and pretty much tortured. That’s what my birth experience is going to be. Torture.

I wish I could get a positive attitude about it but right now I just can’t. I hate to be one of those people that is stubborn and won’t just “go with the flow” – I had promised myself I’d just take it as it comes and not get married to an on-time natural labor – but this is just so far left of what I ever wanted that right now I am just miserable. The idea of being artificially induced into labor prematurely, then laboring for THREE DAYS or more in absolute torment with all kinds of chemicals making my body do unnatural things, being strapped into a bed and not able to eat or move around or do anything but suffer, and then probably end up with an emergency c-section anyway, is honestly my worst nightmare. And there’s no getting around it – that’s exactly what it’s going to be like. Am I going to luck out and dilate really quickly when I’m currently at 0 and have a fast, non-horribly painful labor under these conditions?  No, I’m not. At least, the odds are heavily against me that this is going to be anything but horrible.

I have been sobbing all day and am absolutely beside myself. I so wish this could go differently, but it can’t. I’m glad he’s doing well – this would of course be 100% worse if he were in trouble – but the fact that he’s ok also makes me that much more want to “hold out” even though everyone thinks I’m nuts at this point, and I’m starting to agree with them based on cold, hard facts. I’m 39 weeks tomorrow – a day or two past that is of course safe for him; it’s not as outrageous a thought as it was last week. They say he’s measuring well at about 7 lbs, my fluids are good, and he’s moving around happily, oblivious to mom’s misery.

This is going to sound profoundly selfish but I’m going to say it anyway.  Please remember the mental state I’m in and try to give me a break. I’m just so pissed I’m going to be robbed of a normal birth experience.  I’ll never get to see a mucus plug fall out or my water break and realize “this is it!”, I’ll never get to feel a normal contraction, I won’t get to have a nice healthy birth with my body doing what it wants and needs to do. I’ll never get to make that 4 AM call to my sister or my doula and tell them at last it’s time. I won’t have that excited scramble to the hospital. I was robbed of a normal conception experience and now I’m going to be robbed of a normal birth experience. All along it’s going to be all medical – chemicals, medications, things stuck in my arms, forcing my body to do things.  And I fucking hate it.

So, this is my shit attitude going into my son’s birth.  Good times, huh?  Well, the one good thing in all of this is I do get to plan a little – make sure the dog is safely ensconced at the kennel, get my sister here in time, stop my mail, get the chickens fed, etc. That puts my mind at ease a little. But the idea of what I’m going to have to endure over the next few days makes me so angry and terrified that really I just want to take a long walk off a short pier right now.

13 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you are so upset about the induction, I can relate to not being ready, I was induced just shy of 38 weeks, started on a Monday around 4 and my son was born Wednesday morning at 5:23 am. While hard labour was no fun, the part up to the pitocin was not so bad, I've had worse gas pains :) And I only pushed for about 20 minutes, he ended up in distress and they had to use suction to get him out, no c-section or even talk of one. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I went to my appointment on the Friday before I was induced and was told my blood pressure had gone way up and they were sending me to the hospital, talk about a shock, up to then everything had been fabulous, though I did have GD that was being managed just fine.
    To be honest, a friend who went into labour naturally had a far worse experience than I did and a much longer recovery afterwards, so induction or not, things do not end up as you expect. Go with it and think of your son. The minute my son was handed to me was the best moment of my life ever, seriously, all the pain and frustration of the days before were nothing compared to that moment and I would do it all again (and sorry this is so long lol, give you something to read while you wait ;)

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  2. I have had several friends that were induced, all of them delivered their babies in less than 24 hours. From what I understand, your brain does weird things and you lose track of time after a while anyway. The important thing, is that both of you are safe and healthy. Good luck in the next few days, can't wait to see pics of your little guy!

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  3. It's okay to mourn what you expected to happen and may not get. But try to tap back into the attitude (the one that I envied so much) that I remember you having about not having a birth plan and just going with the flow.

    Plus remember, the only way he will stay healthy is if you stay healthy too. I hope the midwife has some insight that will help with situation. Good luck and focus on the fact that the end result will be your son no matter what.

    Best wishes!!

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  4. I can definitely understand where you are coming from.

    I wanted natural childbirth. Every night for weeks I went to bed thinking, "This will be the night," and woke up so disappointed when nothing had happened. Finally, at 10days past my due date, I was induced. I avoided an epidural until almost 11pm - I was on pitocin from that morning on and I ate (I even got a meal tray that was "clear liquids" but when the nurses were out of the room I had chocolate chip cookies and gummi bears). I walked around the room. I changed positions tons. I sat on the ball, I went to the bathroom, I sat or leaned on the bed. It wasn't fun, but it wasn't torture.

    In the end my dream of a natural childbirth went away when I had to have a c section. My water had broken the night before and yet he wasn't close to coming. And while I still have some lingering regret that my birth experience wasn't what I wanted, the truth of the matter is I really don't care any more. If you'd told me before he was born that I wouldn't really care, I wouldn't have believed it. And yet here I am, with a wonderful, beautiful little boy, and my birth experience really doesn't matter at all.

    Allow yourself to be mad and sad and upset for now. It's not fair that you're having to do this. But then when you go in, let all that go. Let your baby be born to a mom who is joyfully welcoming him, not angry at the way he's arriving. Your birth experience will be all the better for it.

    For the record, my sister was induced twice, and both times her children were born by midafternoon the first day of induction. You never know.

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  5. I completely understand how you feel. I had to have a scheduled c-section. I felt like I was robbed of so much of the normal pregnancy/birthing experience. Everyone told me that in the end when I saw my daughter it wouldn't matter. I didn't believe them and continued to be upset. But in the end I was surprised to find it really didn't. Its okay to mourn what you're losing and once your son is here it won't seem as big a deal.

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  6. But you still got pregnant and you still get to have a baby. Many of us have spent bazillions and sit with empty arms...

    Have you asked about having your membranes stripped? That started labor for my sister-in-law, who lost her mucous plug and a week later still hadn't gone into labor. Much gentler than induction.

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  7. What Shannon said is so so true...what all the women above said...I don't know that I can add anything different. I too have lingering regret about my birth experience, especially since it's the only one I'll get but it wasn't torture, it was uncomfortable & hurt like hell but not torture. & there are things you can still experience...my water broke on it's own & I delivered vaginally & I started out in about the same place as you. I hope you're able to find peace in what ever happens, even if it's after you're staring into your son's perfect precious face. {hugs}

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  8. I know you are real upset and your mind is swimming with all these tough birth stories you have heard. For me, I had to be induced because of blood pressure issues and I actually dilated quickly. If Foxie hadn't got his head stuck, he would have been born within 24 hours of entering the hospital. I did end up with a c section and I was disappointed. But just like Shannon said that disappointment is just a memory. I recovered really quickly from my csection and my boy just brings me so much joy. I hope that you start feeling empowered again and that your delivery is safe and a positive experience.

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  9. Thinking about you...you usually post everyday so I'm wondering if you have in fact been induced. I hope you are okay & you & Baby are doing fine.

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  10. I am sorry you will not be able to experience the birth you wanted. As you said, the good news is the baby is doing fine.

    I was hoping for a more natural birth experience as well but my water broke and I wasn't dilated. My experience was once as I saw my little girl and knew she was ok, how it happened didn't matter.

    I hope you have as smooth a birth as possible and soon you will be getting to know your little guy!!

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  11. I am sorry that things are feeling out of control. We all have thoughts and plans but in reality have very little control. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that things go quickly and you soon have your healthy little sweet heart in your arms.

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  12. So sorry you are struggling. I agree with what all the others said. It seems so huge now, but it fades. I was induced (by choice, at 10 days, when nothing was happening... my midwife was willing to wait for 14 days post due date but i wanted that baby OUT) and the only part that sucked was the pushing. the labor itself was bad, of course, but more what i expected. and the pushing being bad had nothing to do with being induced, i believe. i don't know why it was so hard and awful. my dilating went pretty quickly. i did do castor oil the day before, which may have helped, and my midwife did two rounds of cervadil. unexpectedly, the second round of cervadil (12 hours after the first) did the trick and I went into labor without Pitocin. and went from 1 cm to 10 in about 12-14 hours. which i thought was pretty good. maybe you can ask about castor oil or cervadil.

    i just don't think birth is a good experience for many people. we hear all about these dreamy experiences, but after my own scarring experience, a lot of folks have told me that their own experiences were horrible as well. i think the only difference here is that you know ahead of time that it's not what you want. many of the rest of us didn't deal with a change in plans until labor was under way.

    all this to say... feel your feelings. don't feel guilty about it. but know that in the end, yes, it may suck a lot but in the big picture, it won't matter that much. you have so many gorgeous days with your beautiful baby ahead!

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  13. Excited to hear from you again - he must have arrived! :)

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