Penultimate day of school

We finished up both boys’ final school projects today. Bobby presented his fire ant diorama via zoom, and Theo did his last scholastic reading assignment. Tomorrow they both participate in their final zoom sessions with teachers and classmates, we hand over the chrome books, and that’s it.

I have to say, I feel sad about it. I’m sad for the teachers and the kids who aren’t doing so great and the parents of kids who aren’t doing so great. My kids? My kids couldn’t care less about any of it.

LAUSD sent a survey about what school re-opening in the fall could look like and what our wants/needs are. I said I preferred the hybrid approach - some school and some home school. My guess is this will be the preferred method. But it’s entirely possible that as of August there will be no in-person school at all, with just a promise to revisit that option as the months pass. Me? I highly doubt the virus will diminish as it gets colder. I think we’re all in for a rough ride this winter. Again I’m glad that my kids are young enough that whatever sub-par schooling they’re receiving now won’t really affect them later. I feel bad for the older kids, the kids trying to start college, the kids transitioning to middle or high school. Or starting kindergarten during this mess! At least Theo got a normal start to his year. I think back to that first day of school with all the kindergarten parents and kids packed into the MPR, each kid called up to meet their new teacher (Theo was first!), some crying, some skipping with joy. Even now it seems unimaginable that we’ll have those group ritual events ever again. 

I’m worried for the future of my event. Between the virus (which many say will be part of our lives for years) and the race issues (why should white people continue to capitalize on a black art form?) and just basic economics, I’m terrified I may never return to my former glory. Even if I can safely have an event in a year, or even 2022 - how many people will still want to/afford to do this? Will we be back to the old days of having just the hard core people, back in the early 2000s when I struggled to even get 600 people to show up (for reference, I’ve been at three times that capacity for several years). I’m starting to question that I’m going to bounce back. I’m starting to feel like this is going to take a massive rebuilding from the rubble. The good news? Very few other events will survive this, so I will attract all those who want to go to events but now have far fewer options. The bad news? How many people will drift away over the next year or two and never return? Swing dancing is an addiction. The more it’s available the more addicted you are. Take away the substance and there goes the addiction. The addictive behavior will find a better substance to be addicted to. 

Governor Ige of Hawaii officially extended his fourteen day quarantine for island visitors to July 31st, marking the end of my hopes of a birthday trip. Within two clicks my hotel reservation and flights were canceled. The good news? I now have tons of miles and hotel points to use for any number of trips - even Hawaii again when it’s safe. The bad news? Word on the street is Hawaii is reconsidering its dependence on tourism (as must be most tourist heavy places). Who knows if Hawaii will even be a viable destination after this. 

Two nights ago I sat with a notary and signed all of my loan paperwork for an hour and a half. I also signed a paper that they can still require more paperwork from me, even now, before funding, which is set to happen Monday morning. Late last night I was sent a certification letter I had to sign promising that my income has not been affected by the pandemic, nor will it. Yeah, right. My mortgage is now about to be paid by my mortgage for the foreseeable future. I still don’t feel like I can exhale yet. They can still cancel the whole process at the last second. When I see that money in my account, then yes. And then follows a whole avalanche of things - announcing the closure of my event, announcing the virtual event, closing registration, starting to issue refunds. 

I am attempting to replace my Hawaii birthday trip with an RV or trailer trip...somewhere. It’s complicated because most campgrounds are still closed, I don’t know shit about camping with vehicles for that purpose, and the spaces that are available and desirable are all booked solid because everyone is doing exactly what we’re doing. Also, it is far from cheap and I hate the idea of spending money right now. But sitting at home bored AF on my birthday when I should have been in Kauai is not acceptable, so plan I must. 

The end of the beginning

I am getting multiple zoom invites and emails from both the boys’ teachers about all the end of school activities this week. I had kind of gotten used to not having to “show up” for anything so I’m mildly annoyed, but at the same time I think about how much more I’d be doing if the kids were actually in school, and am chastened by that.

There are so many cute end of school things I didn’t get to do with Theo - a Mother’s Day tea like Bobby had, an end of kindergarten concert, etc. With Theo as my last child, it sucks that we won’t have any of those memories. Their yearbooks never arrived - yet another casualty of Covid hold ups - Bobby’s final project, a diorama about fire ants, will be presented over Zoom. Our school doesn’t have any kind of drive-by graduation scheduled; I think the BF will just head up there to collect the boys’ schoolwork from the rest of the year and that’s pretty much it. An unceremonious end, but a welcome one. For Bobby at least he only has three more days of math work, presenting his diorama, and that’s it. I was hoping we could just sneak out to the pool most days but I think Theo still has a full workload. Boy is it going to be nice to be free of all that for two months. 

It’s going to be an old school summer. No camps, no activities, just sitting around bored watching tv (or the modern equivalent, video games) or going in the pool. I’m looking forward to it while at the same time dreading the monotony and boredom of it. I did pay for a music camp for both kids for two weeks in August months ago - a recent email indicated they were going online with it; I hate to be that person but I will probably cancel if that’s the case. I have no way to keep two active boys glued to a Zoom meeting every day for two weeks. That’s just not going to work. 

Speaking of refunds, I have heard from about a third of my attendees - it seems to be about 10% donations, 50% refunds and 40% transfers to next year so far. I can’t issue refunds until my loan funds, so everyone is going to have to sit tight. Right now I’m just cataloguing everyone and that’s a huge amount of work in itself, answering every email and fielding questions. And that’s only 1/3 of the people. It’s going to be a full time job this summer, that and getting my virtual event up. 

As for my loan, it’s pretty much in the bag - I’ve been approved, and the notary should come by this week. Then there’s a waiting period and then we’re done. I’ve been advised to not start emptying my bank account with refunds until then just in case they demand a snapshot of my account at the last second, so that’s what I’ll do. My home appraisal came in at $160,000 more than I’d anticipated, which is one positive thing that happened.

So, here we are at the end of the beginning of our covid nightmare. There is so much more ahead of us - things we can’t even fathom at the moment - but for now, the early chaos is over. I got my SBA loans and my refinance is wrapping up. My attendees have been contacted and my cancellation is underway. The BF has his unemployment. The kids are on their last week of school, and unless I’m unaware of something, will advance to 1st and 3rd grades, and who knows, may even set foot in a school again at some point. Now we’re just “in it”. 

Our Hawaii trip next month is still not cancelled but I’m well aware of the fact that I’m just kidding myself at this point - waiting for word from governor Ige if he’ll extend the mandatory quarantine in HI past June 30th (pretty much guaranteed). We should know this week. Trying to plot out a trip to Big Sur over my birthday weekend instead. There’s a place you can rent a “human nest” to sleep in in the wilderness. Not surprising - the nest is booked solid for the summer. 

Exit strategy

Last night I stayed up until 4AM going down a rabbit hole googling information about Cape Breton, a small island in Nova Scotia that apparently half-jokingly has offered itself as a safe haven for Americans wishing to flee Trump. It’s not the first time I’ve fantasized about leaving the US...but it is definitely the most seriously I’ve thought about it. 

The US has simply moved so impossibly far from my values that I don’t really know what I’m doing here any more. The fucked up thing is - I know I’m actually in the majority. I want equality for women, justice for minorities, safe accessible abortion, transparency in government, universal health care, anti-trust laws, etc etc. And yet the people who don’t want these things continue to lie, cheat and steal elections to push their draconian racist pseudo-Christian Gilead Republican nightmare down our throats. How do we defeat them? Can we? I just don’t think we can survive another Trump election. I don’t even know if we’re going to survive until the next election. 

So I figure if Trump wins again, my business can’t recover, and my band never plays again because endless seasonal rounds of superbugs render any kind of gatherings permanently impossible...well...it might just be time to jump ship. 

I know this is stupid. I know it’s difficult, if not impossible, to emigrate from the US. I know Canada and other imaginary utopias (I’m looking at you, New Zealand) have their own endless issues with horrid treatment of indigenous peoples and other minorities, I know no place is perfect. But god dammit I want to live in a place where at least some of the time I can be proud of our elected leadership - not wake up every day as I have since November 2016 in a constant state of being seconds away from projectile vomiting because I’m so disgusted by what we’ve become as a nation.

And yes, I know we were always this; Trump just encouraged us to stop hiding it. This, too, makes me ill. 

I know Canada isn’t the answer - I fucking hate the cold, I don’t know what the hell either of us would do for work, and the last thing I want for my boys is for them to grow up in a depressed rural area with no opportunities (like Cape Breton, which would be great for middle-aged people like me and the BF but I doubt there’s much going on there for young people, which is why they’re reaching out for new population). 

But I’m just sickened by this country - the willful, indeed, gleeful ignorance; the racism; the hatred and meanness and grotesque materialism. Not every place is like this. Some places have their priorities straight. And after four years of this white trash nightmare I just don’t see us recovering. Eight years and I don’t see us surviving. 

So it’s nice to have an escape hatch - albeit an extremely flawed one. And none of these things may happen. Biden can win in November. Even if he’s not great, he’ll surround himself with great people. My business may be back on track by next year, or the year after that, and our band may even start traveling again, although that’s a ways away. The kids’ school might have some actual in-person schooling, although it’s looking doubtful for the ‘20-‘21 school year. The intense protesting this last week might finally start to turn the tide of police brutality and institutionalized racism...might. I want to be optimistic. When I was fourteen I almost killed myself because I just couldn’t believe things would ever get better. And oh, how they did, and all the amazing experiences I’ve had since! Is this that moment - everything looks so dark and all seems to be going straight in one direction, down - but if I just hang on and push past the impulse to give up, rewards are right around the corner? Like that scene in The African Queen where Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn think they’re impossibly lost on the river and give themselves up for dead, and yet the way home is just beyond them a few feet away past the bracken? Do I just need to wait for the bracken to clear? 

Welp, if not, I’ve got some ski wear and sweater knitting patterns - Oh, Canada, our home and native laaaaand....

Officially off

Today is June 1st, in which I submitted a letter on official letterhead to the hotel canceling my event, and contacted all of my paid attendees with cancellation options. Sigh. Here we go.

I couldn’t announce my virtual event nor cancellation online because, once again, still waiting on loan to fund. It also hit me right after I sent the emails that I can’t actually refund anyone right now, either, because it will empty my bank account and the loan people may still look there. Well, shit. I had already told people it could take ten days to get their refunds...hopefully they will hang in there with me. Really wish I had thought of that - and really wish I could just get the refi done already. As of this moment no guarantee I’ll even get it. 

Also? Our entire nation is under a curfew with military called in to keep order and we’re on the brink of a civil war. Did I forget to mention that??

None of us have left the house today. Boys were dragged, miserable, through their dwindling school work and now have been blissfully playing video games unattended for hours. The BF is obsessively watching live protest videos; I’m holed up in my bedroom obsessively scrolling (but I’m about to stop all that and escape into some mindless TV because I just don’t know what else to do right now). I am fasting. I feel weak and hungry and emotional. Broke down earlier. Black friends online full of fury and I don’t know what to say but they also say they see our silence and will remember it and I don’t know what to say to that, either. 

I never in my life thought we’d live through times this horrendous. As much as I’m sad I brought two innocent children into this mess, I’m glad they’re here because days like this they’re the only reason I choose to stick around. If this was nine years ago? Yeah, I’d be seriously reconsidering this whole single mother thing. This has to get better. We have to get rid of the orange menace in November, we have to get a vaccine to get rid of this ‘rona, we have to find a way to heal our racial divide. Things will be good again some day. Right? Right??

Generation C

Just like that, my refinance paperwork was submitted and we scheduled the appraiser and he just did his thing and left. Still not set in stone but my refinance guy says if all goes well we should be funded in two weeks. What a long odyssey this has been since I made that first phone call in March! Honestly even if I weren’t doing it for a year’s worth of money to live on, it’s worth doing - I’m lowering my interest rate by a full point, consolidating my old HELOC, and getting a fixed rate finally. This even with the extra money and my payments won’t go up at all. So yay for that. Someday I’ll be able to aggressively pay it down again. The kids will be grown up when it’s paid off rather than starting junior high, but oh well! 

I had a good chat with my new streamer guy who had some ideas for my virtual event, so I’m just going to go with him. I reached out to my instructors and a few have written back glad that I’m still trying to offer something. Also, I finally heard back from the hotel that they will not penalize me for cancelling, which is great news. 

In light of all this, I have decided that even though I can’t announce it publicly, I’m going to go ahead and contact my paid attendees to get the refunds going. This is going to be hard. So far I have been in a very privileged, protected state - almost no one has asked for their money back, and almost no one has asked any questions. Now I’m going to have to contend with 500 people all at once and I’m sure at least some of them will have some opinions about what I’m doing, and some of them may not be nice. It’s not going to be a pleasant few weeks as I unravel all of this, watch my bank account get depleted, and deal with the emotional fallout that’s been on hold for nearly three months. I need to just put my Professional Event Organizer Hat on and try not to let it get to me. No more hiding from it; it’s time to face this thing head-on.

But at least at the end of it, I’ll know two things: how much money I’ll actually have, and how many online competitors I’ll have. So for informational purposes this is all very necessary. Other event organizers have said their patrons have been very generous. The good thing is my event is big enough and established enough that it’s very beloved; the bad thing is because it’s so big people may not recognize that we still need help. We’ll see. Last week I wrote out my cancellation notice in preparation and made sure everyone knew how financially devastating this is for my family; hopefully people get it. 

Teachers have been posting a statement from LAUSD that seemed to say there will be no school at all in the fall - that due to the overwhelming restrictions and budget cuts, opening schools is simply impossible. Parents are pissed. As people slowly start to go back to work, I don’t know wtf is going to happen with these kids. Again, extremely grateful that I can just stay with them all day even if I don’t want to. At least I have that option. Although I freely admit, now that we finally have a system down, I am absolutely terrified of starting all over again in 1st and 3rd grade with new teachers and new systems...ugh. I wish we could just keep everything like it is now. Boy are these kids getting robbed of a normal childhood right now. Generation C, indeed. 

Two more weeks of school

School is winding down. Bobby’s assignments are slightly less now - and as of next week, only math and his final school project, a diorama on fire ants. I’m so looking forward to a break from school work, as are we all. The BF taking over Theo’s work has been amazing - honestly, if it were still just me we wouldn’t be doing hardly any of it other than reading together and practicing his rainbow words. 

On everyone’s minds is what happens in August. Teachers are scared to return to unsafe conditions, and I don’t blame them. Personally I don’t think there should be any in-person school in the fall if we haven’t seen a significant, consistent decline in infections - but it’s easy to say that because I’m a stay at home mom. Having kids at home doesn’t affect my ability to work, unlike most parents who are really struggling. It’s an impossible situation, like everything stemming from this virus. Everything is impossible. 

Even if there is some part-time school, I see our fall looking very different than I had imagined. In addition to having zero band gigs, no travel, and no event to plan for, I don’t have any need for an afterschool program even if there are any. So I picture for the first time ever, walking up to the school and picking them up. I might even try having them leave on their own and meet me part of the way (I still want the kids to be able to walk home alone at some point). I expect our evenings to be a lot more relaxed - which isn’t a bad thing. I picture the same level of relentless togetherness with *maybe* brief stints of school time to break things up. We’ll find out soon. 

Much to my chagrin, my regular camera guy who I was relying on to run my live stream virtual event surprised me by saying he had signed an “exclusive agreement” with another event that he “wouldn’t participate in another competition event live stream”. Um...what?? Why he would agree to something like that, I have no idea, and why another event - and I know who it is, being as there’s only one other competition event in our world - would try to intentionally screw me right now, is infuriating. Just a series of bad decisions on their part that was already guaranteeing their downfall. I don’t predict them surviving this no matter how fabulous their live stream is. Harrumph.

So I panicked briefly but then reached out to a million other people. I think I’m going to go with a guy who’s been a part of my event for decades and has a lot of experience running his own live streams. He can’t do some of the high end production stuff like the other guy, but I believe I can fill in the gaps. I’d rather have someone who’s passionate about the project than a stranger who doesn’t really understand what we’re doing. So hopefully that’ll work out. 

My refi guy asked for another mountain of paperwork last night, including proof I’ve paid my April and May mortgages on time (thank god I did) and received my tax return, etc etc. We won’t hear anything this week. Sigh. 

I’m still trying to figure out the right time to announce closure. I can reach out to my customers before I put anything on the website; I might do that sooner since for refi purposes I still have to appear “open”. I also want to be able to announce my virtual event soon or at the same time, and I need artwork for that. I also still don’t know my situation with the hotel. It’s a lot of puzzle pieces to fit together. But I’ll admit it feels good to be working on a project. I feel less like I’m letting the community down, and I’m already bolstered by the enthusiasm of the teams I reached out to who said they still want to be in the competition. I’m hoping this spreads out to the other contests as well. 

Doubts

Friday the SBA wired me the loan money. My bank account is the fattest I’ll see it - we’ll, probably ever. After all these weeks of fear and struggle, you’d think I’d be over the moon. And yet. 

Apparently the loan guidelines are a lot more stringent than I’d originally thought. Every penny has to be spent on the running of your business - payroll, equipment, documentable receipt-backed expenses, that you have to have on hand at any moment *if* the SBA decides to audit you. If you can’t come up with receipts they demand immediate repayment of 250% of your loan. Also, you’re not allowed to use the loan to make up for losses to your business. So...what about those of us who are ordered shut for years - we’re not going to have any expenses and need something to live on. How...what???

I accepted the loan despite these conditions, but I’m definitely having second thoughts. I’m going to try my best to not use it at all and just repay it when my payments are supposed to start in a year. But that ability depends on a few things - one, that not everyone will demand a refund, and two, that I’ll be able to run an event next year and get a good crowd. None of those things are guaranteed at the moment. I have people online saying the swing dance world will “never” recover from this, also that it’ll be “years”, also that big events like mine will “never” be viable business models again. Opinions like that fill me with utter despair. Personally, I think they’re full of shit - you’re going to tell me that rock concerts, sports, movies, festivals, fairs, amusement parks are “never” going to come back? Give me a break. 

I doubt the SBA is going to have the wherewithal to audit all of us small fry businesses; they said nothing about scheduled audits or accountability. I think it was just a strongly worded threat to keep people from buying cars and boats. When I got an SBA disaster loan during my Katrina adventure nobody ever checked up on me. And I will have some expenses this year - I’m out $5000 in deposits, will probably spend $10,000-$20,000 on my virtual event, and could spend up to $100,000 on refunds (although it sounded like refunds don’t count as money spent on your business). And next year there will be expenses, but not until September. 

I don’t know. The whole thing makes me nervous. 

In the meantime still waiting on my home loan. I should know by mid-week if the final approval has come in; then the appraisal, then we’re done. My loan guy says two weeks. Which makes it about three months since I started this process. Sigh. At least the $60,000 I get there will be my living money until next summer. By then I’ll know if I’m going to have a successful camp or not and can make other arrangements.

I mean, really - if a whole year from now we still have no Disneyland, no concerts, no sporting events...we as a society are going to be in deep, deep trouble. 

I watched some live swing dance fundraisers this weekend and got some good ideas for my virtual event. I’m going to talk to my camera guy this week. I think I can do it; I hope it doesn’t cost a fortune and that people actually show up. One other thing - if next year can’t happen, I can do this again, and keep doing it until I have a live event again. It’s not much, but it’s something. 

Going on a socially-distanced hike with a friend of mine later. It will be the first time I’ve seen her since her drive-by birthday a few weeks ago and our neighborhood hike a month before that. This is my social life now. Memorial Day weekend. I would have been in Amsterdam right now.