Plotting and musing

I didn't pull B into bed with me to breastfeed this morning. It did not go over well. I gave him regular milk and then did our playpen in the living room so mom can sleep routine. He was not a happy camper. But...what can I do? If I want to start fertility meds in two weeks, he has to be completely weaned by then. So there can't be a slow leisurely winding down. I wish I had more time...but age is a factor, and the closer my event gets the less ideal the timing gets until I have to shut down entirely until next March. It sucks. Literally!

So I think I can convince B to not be psychologically attached to my breastasiz - I mean, he doesn't have a choice, really - convincing my boobs to not become engorged and give me mastitis is another thing. By this afternoon I was so uncomfortable I broke down and pumped, putting the results in the freezer for the hoped-for sibling. I debated on whether or not to just feed B rather than pumping...and maybe I should have just fed him, but...I really, really need to convince my body to stop producing milk so my prolactin levels will drop and I can ovulate. As it is my body may not even be ready a month from now. I can't do anything to jeopardize that. So number one is getting B used to not nursing anymore. Number two is encouraging my body to stop producing, as painlessly as possible. It's going to be a process. But it has to happen. I mean, the boy is almost 14 months old. It's a perfectly reasonable time to wean him.

Speaking of pain, the vaginal ultrasound yesterday was quite unpleasant, and it stung every time I peed last night. I'm so not used to pain in that area anymore; it reminded me of what I'm about to get myself into. A whole lot of va-j-j pain. Well, at least the pain reassured me that I do not, in fact, have a v-j the size of a horse collar after having a baby. So...there's that.

I do feel a lot more at peace these days, now that I have at last succumbed to my desires for another baby. It's hard when you're constantly arguing with yourself - and others. You know how tortured I've been about this decision. I'm glad I'm pursuing it and will just leave the physical part in the hands of fate.

...or the hands of Femara. I think as much as I'd like to go non-medicated, I think I need to treat each cycle like it counts, and not risk canceled cycles due to wonky ovaries. So if I understood the nurse correctly, I can take Provera if needed to start the period and then take Femara along with that period. I will do that. I think it's my best chance of at least getting to try in a month. It will be interesting to see how I respond to this drug two years later and after childbirth. Anything could happen, really.

I think I may have an idea how to set up the house if there is another baby, too. Since B now needs his sleep but is too young to be upstairs alone, I will cede my bedroom to him and move my bedroom furniture into the erstwhile nursery, so the baby and I can have access to the whole house after B goes to sleep at night. I can push the bed against the wall so I don't have to worry about the baby rolling off the bed. And B can have a whole room to himself, which will be great for him. Until of course someone claims the upstairs.

For now I am reeling from how expensive this month is going to be - probably $800 or so in babysitters, and I am going to have to start doubling some of my groceries - I typically run out of bananas, milk, eggs, and bread within days of shopping, now that B is eating. Just imagine when B is a real boy and eats like a horse! And if there are two boys! Lord have mercy.