Maiwidge

Tonight I got to watch the (for me) much anticipated new Bravo series "Newlyweds", a reality show that follows four couples during their first year of marriage. It's hard to predict even with the teasers how it's going to go for these couples, three straight and one gay. I love shows like this. It's probably the only in-depth look I'll ever get into a marriage, so I find it fascinating! Already I know two of the couples have issues around having babies (in one at least the wife is super eager and the husband is not so much). In all of the male/female couples you see the women giving up most or all of their power to be in the marriage. Part of me is like, fuck the marriage, just have the babies! But hey, that's just me :)

What I find very interesting in this show and with many of the couples I observe is that it seems the woman gives up a lot to be in the marriage while the man gives up very little. I don't think men really grow up until they have children - an opinion reinforced by that Hank Azaria interview I mentioned before.

I also feel like I didn't really grow up until I had B - I'm a guy, remember? I still picture myself walking into that hospital a girl and walking out a woman. But there were other factors happening at the same time - turning 40 for one, giving up on the dream of a man coming to rescue me, not just having the baby physically but taking on the real life responsibilities of being a parent. It's entirely possible I still would have felt like a woman even had I not had a kid. But I think that birthing process just sort of catapulted me into it.

Speaking of birthing processes, a hot topic on FB today was a woman asking about inducing because her husband will be traveling around her due date. I felt like screaming "don't do it!!!" and responded with my experience, saying it was horrible and don't do it unless medically necessary. Unfortunately most women who responded said their induction was a breeze - just a few hours, no pain, baby popped right out. WTF?!? That pissed me right off. How is that possible? Well, most were probably induced due to being past their due date, which means their bodies would have been more ready than mine was. Or it may not have been their first child. But still. I just hated reading all the "mine was so easy" stories. Luckily there were a few others like me who had an awful experience and told her never to induce just for convenience. Why would anyone think that would be a good idea? Ugh!!!

Still, the sad reality is labor just sucks, period. Even if I don't have to induce again (Lord help me), that doesn't mean it won't suck. This is something I have to accept, and I'm having a hard time with it. Man, if only Eve hadn't eaten that apple...

I had a moment today when I looked in the mirror and thought, "what if this doesn't work? What if you really can't get pregnant again?" I've been all sunflowers and light lately to get myself psyched up, but...what if it really doesn't work? A woman on the SMC FB page today updated us that her last attempt for baby #2 failed and she has decided to stop trying. She seemed ok with it, but man. You have to get yourself pretty riled up to try for a second baby as a single woman - and then to just have it not succeed...oy. What if my fertility really has taken a nosedive in the last two years? What if I no longer respond to Femara? What if I can only produce wonky eggs and keep miscarrying? That would be heartbreaking. But it's a risk I have to take. In this case, failure is kind of an option.

I read an article posted by a husband whose wife is pregnant with twin boys via IVF after having already had a son, and how angry and upset they are since they weren't prepared for twins. I appreciated the man's honesty, I really did. They wanted one more child, ideally a girl, and instead got twin boys. But I felt like they knew the risks and now have to live with the consequences. He said they live in a one bedroom apartment. Well, then you're an idiot. If you can't handle the possibility of twins then you have no business doing IVF and implanting two embryos. It's for this and financial reasons that I would never do IVF, probably not even injectibles. I couldn't take the risk - twins would be a disaster for me, especially with how risky the pregnancy would be. Just doing Femara and IUI the risk of twins is extremely minimal. So I feel like I'm being responsible. I think.

Rained all day today which is almost unheard of for LA in May. So I made pea soup, popovers and Nutella cookies (awesome). Haven't nursed B since yesterday morning. I'm hoping I can keep up this trend...not nursing him in the AM is really hard, but let's see if this is like the sleep thing where he just gets used to the new routine. Fingers crossed.