Ahhhhhhhhhh

I'm freaking out. Ok, so after Blissful Mama's comment yesterday that my sore boobs could at least in part be due to ovulating, I thought about all the EWCM I've had all week, and thought "hmmmm". Then as I was lying prostrate on the couch after the baby went to bed (my usual stance) I noticed a lot of cramping on my right side. In fact, it had been going on pretty much all day. And it was constant and really annoying. And very much like the cramping I had the day before B was conceived. I started thinking maybe I really am ovulating and my prediction two weeks ago was just off...? I got so worked up about it I couldn't get to sleep. I kept thinking I just wish I knew there was a way to see what's going on in there. Then I remembered about checking cervical position. At 1 AM I promptly leapt out of bed and squatted down to see what's what. Sure enough - high (could hardly reach it), open, soft as baby's breath. In other words, ovulating. Now naturally none of these things is a 100% guarantee of actual ovulation - but it is a guarantee that I am at least trying to ovulate, which means that I was way off in my estimate of when my period should appear. 

So this morning I called the clinic. I was about to leave a message with the nurse...but considering the fact that I never got a return call from her yesterday, I decided instead to go to the front desk. I stumbled out to the receptionist that I know they probably think I'm crazy but could they just humor me and let me come in for an ultrasound? She put me on hold FOREVER. Then she came back and said that "like I mentioned last time" they need an updated medical form from me - just a sheet of paper signed by a doctor saying I'm ok to get knocked up - because my old one has expired and they will not do an IUI without one. Huh? I said she never told me any such thing and I didn't know what she was talking about. I know she didn't mention this last time I was there because I would have run out and made an appointment with a doctor right away to get that covered so I don't miss an opportunity. I asked again if I could come in for an ultrasound anyway (in the back of my mind thinking I could just beg them for an IUI and they would say yes); she said they're very busy today but she'd have the nurse call me. I can picture the nurse seeing the message, saying, "wasn't she just here two weeks ago? Isn't she supposed to start her period right now?" and not calling me back. Ugh! I am starting to remember the things I didn't like about this clinic from last time!!!

At first I was a ball of rage, thinking I cannot believe I may be ovulating right this second and I am going to miss this opportunity - and have to wait a whole frigging month! - just because they won't take me seriously, and because I'm missing some stupid, meaningless piece of paper that I didn't even know I needed. I mean, I just had a baby, for chrissakes! Obviously there's nothing preventing me from being a candidate for another that any doctor will see in a basic exam!

But unfortunately this is something I have no control over. If they refuse to see me today, that's it. I already have an appointment with a midwife next week so she can do the exam for me and that paperwork will be taken care of. And hey - maybe if this is a real ovulation I will have an actual period after and I can start the next cycle right. But what if I still don't get a period? I'll have to go through all this again. And I'd really like to avoid the whole Femara/trigger shot thing if I can. I'd much rather just go in natural. But once again, stupid things, like paperwork and scheduling, are stopping me. SO annoying!

I keep reminding myself that women have missed fertility treatments for far stupider reasons than this - flat tires, storms, not being able to get out of work, etc. And of course my body is saying "but what if this is your last good egg...?" But I know it can't be, and if I have a real cycle for June it can only be better. I always think about my chickens (well, chicken) and how the first egg they lay after a long break (like wintertime) is always a little wonky and odd but right after they're back to normal. Please let this be the case for me!!!

In the meantime I am going to stay glued to my phone all day and be full of anxiety. Lord help me.