The night before the shower

So...I wish I could say I'm putting all the medical crap out of my mind and that I'm doing great...but I'm not. I don't mind admitting I'm kind of scared shitless, actually.

Got a flurry of calls from Kaiser today, the last being some lady in a specialists office who wanted to make an appointment for me to come in RIGHT AWAY and was very put off when I wasn't available until next Friday (in my defense they had very few appointments available) and said she would put me down as having "declined" to show up on Monday when they really wanted to see me and that she really felt that Friday was too late. In short, she totally panicked me and made me feel like something awful is about to happen. And now I'm just plain freaked.

Any googling/reading about this subject on the WTE board is not helping because they're all full of horror stories. My midwife sounded a bit more relaxed in the two messages she left me early this morning - just said they want to run more tests and that I should come in if I develop headaches, dizziness, extreme swelling, etc (in case I haven't mentioned it, the fear is I'm developing pre-eclampsia).

How do I feel? Well, I don't feel good, I can tell you that, but how much of this is actual physical problems and how much is how stressed out these doctors are making me is anyone's guess. I do have swelling in my hands and feet - but this has been going on for months. I'm tired - but I only slept about four hours last night, shouldn't I be tired? I'm getting a touch of nausea, but only because of all this medical stuff.

I wish I could dismiss this all and just relax and not take it seriously, but what if it really is pre-e and my life and the baby's life is in danger? What if I end up with some nightmare scenario where I wake up in the middle of the night really sick and have to get myself to an emergency room and have to do an emergency c-section because my blood pressure has suddenly skyrocketed? Is this my future? After all this, is this how it ends?

I do feel like even if this all turns out to be nothing, there's no getting past the fact that the next five weeks are going to suck for me. It's just going to be this and more - more appointments, more invasive testing, more people calling me up all day and freaking me out.

Aaaand somehow tomorrow I have to get dressed up, put a happy face on, and get into "event mode" in which I have to hug people and thank people and be positive all day when what I really feel like doing is lying in bed and feeling sorry for myself. Oh Lord I hope I can pull it together.

A friend e-mailed me that the last month is "such a special time". Well, not for me, not with all this going on. I felt like crying when I read that. I just wish one of these medical people would hold my hand and tell me everything's going to be ok, because that's what I want to hear. I want to hear that me, and my son, are going to be ok.