I've now twice watched the scene in Bethenny Ever After in which she breaks down in her interview and says she wants her daughter to be nice and kind and sweet and not hard and a survivor like her, and each time it makes me cry. I so relate to that. There are so many weird/unpleasant personality quirks I have because of my messy upbringing, and I so want better for my kid - I want him to be happy and well-adjusted and loved and listened to; I want him to look back on his childhood fondly, I want him to have healthy relationships and not be crippled by anxiety and depression the way I was when I was young. I don't want him to ever feel broken.
All this medical stuff right now is making me feel broken. I have to be honest, it's a real challenge for me. Nothing bad happened at the NST today - the nurse even said the #1 reason I was there was purely my age, since everything else looks so good. But I can't shake that weirdness from my childhood where I was taught that when you're sick it's your fault. They found protein in my urine again after it being absent last time, and I immediately felt ashamed, like I had done something wrong. After that I felt very defensive and hostile and could only answer the nurse in grunts and one syllable words - but again had to remind myself that they're only looking out for me and doing their jobs; I have to remind myself of this every minute so I don't punch people in the face. Sigh. Why does this have to be such an ordeal for me? Why can't I just be grateful everything is going well and I'm getting excellent care? Why all this stupid old emotional baggage all the time?
So I return for my regular midwife appointment tomorrow, then twice weekly NSTs from now on. Since they did the whole urine/weight/bp/fluid check/ultrasound thing at the NST today I'm going to see why I still have to see the midwife the next day. Seems like a lot of repeat tests for no good reason to me.
In other news tonight, tomorrow and Thursday are entirely devoted to adding up receipts for my tax appointment Friday. It's a massive job and I really hope I get it done in time. I also sent a courtesy email to my biggest competition, the DC dance event I sang and judged at last year, letting them know I'm moving to Labor Day. They wrote back saying they, too, are considering moving to Labor Day for 2014 but may reconsider now. God I hope so, because if they did move to the same weekend that would absolutely crush me. I hope I can count on our friendship and professional courtesy that they won't do that to me. I may send another email saying something to this effect; I'll have to sleep on it. But boy would that suck. Well, maybe by 2014 the novelty of their event will have worn off somewhat and it won't be such a threat. At least I'll have moved first (2013).
Just further proof that if you want something done right in this world, you have to do it yourself. Another anxiety-addled blog about the pursuit of single motherhood. Join me, won't you?
It sucks that all these appointments are making you feel bad. I have no doubt you'll do better by your son because you are aware & going to make sure his childhood is better.
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