34 weeks

So, guess what I get to do tomorrow? That's right, collect my urine all day and keep it in the refrigerator! Now is one of those times when I'm really glad I live alone.

I don't know why, but I'm really not concerned about the results of this 24 hour urine test. Maybe it's good 'ole denial kicking in, but I just have a hard time believing there's anything seriously wrong with me - I mean, I feel fine, everything is functioning normally, and I just have this feeling that this protein issue and the GD thing are never going to amount to anything in the end. Read a thread on my WTE app talking about all this preventative testing we get at this point, and an Aussie chimed in that she's jealous we Americans get such great care, that she never had a urine test, was never tested for GD, etc. Personally I'm jealous of her that she has a medical system that's a) free, and b) doesn't waste your time and money on things like this that don't mean anything. I know, I know, I should be grateful that my caregivers are looking out for me and making sure they catch any potential problems early. But I can't help but feel that some of this testing, when you feel fine and have zero symptoms, is just about avoiding lawsuits. And it sure is a pain in the ass.

I noticed lately a shift in my attitude about being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, there is still a big part of me that kind of can't believe anything like this is actually happening to me; but I don't forget about it like I used to nor do I feel that weird compulsion to hide it or deflect conversation about it. I'm sure it entirely has to do with looking undeniably pregnant now, that plus the passage of time to get used to the idea. Now it's a part of me, it's part of my identity, and it feels very natural and normal. And this brings on another odd, unexpected feeling - I'm kind of sad to see it go!

I'm sure I'll eat these words in the weeks ahead, but part of me is going to miss this time. It's such a short time in a woman's life - a blink of an eye, really - and it may never happen again, and, well, it kind of makes me sad that it'll all be over for sure two months from now. I like myself pregnant. Oh, I constantly feel like there's a medicine ball sitting on my bladder, and I have round the clock heartburn that feels like elves jabbing ice picks into my heart, but for the most part I'm really ok - I'm not a psycho, I'm not depressed, I don't feel out of control. I feel good; I feel special. And yes, I feel very, very lucky that I get to do this at all.

So what happens when the baby's here? Well, my biggest concern is arranging child care for those rare moments I can't be home with him, as it is I'm sure for all single moms. I'm worried about that learning curve. I'm worried he'll be sick, or fail to thrive, or scream with colic for months. I'm worried how I'll do hormonally - will the well being I feel now evaporate? Will I have PPD? Will I be overwhelmed, depressed, regretful? Will my work suffer? Will I turn into an incompetent boob? Considering I'm just shy of nine months and none of the fears I had about the third trimester have come true, something tells me I'll handle those early days with the baby just fine.

I'm looking forward to the shower this weekend and washing and arranging all the stuff. I haven't touched the nursery for months now so that my sister can help - everything has just been tossed in there, collecting dust. It'll be great to have everything ready and in place - diaper station all set up, bed ready, clothes washed and hung, car seat installed. If he came right now I'd be kind of screwed. But this time next week most of those things will be taken care of. It will be great to have the room all organized and decorated! Can't wait to post before and after pics!