Can't I just be pregnant in peace?

All the testing/worries about testing are getting me down.  I did my 24 hour urine collection yesterday – I drop it off today, then next Weds we go over the results.  I saw with dismay that some people on the WTE app have had to do it multiple times.  Next Weds I’ll still only be 35 weeks – more than a month to go.  Which doesn’t sound like much, and is certainly getting farther out of the danger zone as far as his health.  But five weeks (or more) is a long time if there’s something wrong with me.  Again I don’t seem to fit the profile for pre-eclampsia; but it’s another maddening late pregnancy illness that can come out of nowhere, for no reason, and can have no symptoms.  So as far as I know I could have gestational diabetes and pre-eclampsia.  Right now there’s no way to know.  I guess I should have expected this – a return of the first trimester worries/health issues.  I have had small bouts of nausea lately; I regurgitate a lot, and of course the heartburn.  My abdomen hurts a lot (not cramping or contracting – just stretchy feelings and aches), and I find now when I lie down on my back I feel like I can’t breathe. 

I realized today why the health stuff is getting me so down even though it all may amount to nothing.  I think it’s that old fear of criticism thing.  Not that anyone has criticized me – but the implication is there, when every time I go to the ob now and there’s a new fucking problem that I need to be extensively tested for, that somehow I’m screwing up or being irresponsible.  And we know how well I react to being told I’m slacking or doing a bad job when in fact I’m busting my ass to do a great job and would love nothing more than to ignore all this and eat what I want.  I just feel like the remaining ob visits are going to be nothing but this – why did I gain 1.5 pounds and not 1.1 pounds, how are my GD numbers, we need to do more urine cultures/blood tests because there’s some tiny thing wrong and we don’t know what’s causing it.  I just find it all exhausting and worrying.  Can’t I just be pregnant in peace?  Can’t I just sit at home quietly until I go into labor?  Can’t I just be left alone?

I've heard people talk about the third trimester being similar to the first in that you start to not feel so hot again and things start popping up to worry you.  This is definitely happening now - all these weird, random things cropping up with no warning.  Luckily the midwife I've been seeing doesn't seem too concerned about any of these things; again, if they were super-important I'm sure I'd have people calling to make me appointments right away rather than letting me wait two weeks.  This is the kind of stuff I'd take much more in stride if this were my second kid. I was thinking the other day that had I taken that glucose test and walked around the block in the hour in between drinking the drink and then taking the blood test, I would have passed. Which is probably why I passed at eight weeks, because I went out and walked around.  And I probably have protein spilling into my urine because I'm eating tons more protein than normal now because of the stupid GD!  Boy am I going to laugh if I end up having this baby and everything is great and I have no issues after all this...which is, honestly, kind of how I predict it going.  

So tonight I drop off my lovely urine jug and then take a blanket and stuffed animal across the street to the breast feeding class.  I expect it to be a lot more fun and informative than the laboring classes (I mean, I did learn a few things in the birth classes, but in the end I think it just happens the way it happens and you have to go with the flow).  And to me every day that passes, every class or appointment I make and follow through with, says to me that I'm doing my job, I'm showing up, I'm being a responsible parent.  Sigh.  Sure wish I felt like one.