Fell down with some nasty illness last night, which I knew was coming from the sore throat I had the night before. Spent the night tossing and turning and trying to breathe through my mouth, and then my mouth would dry out and my lips would start cracking. I must have listened to every This American Life episode from 1997 on my Iphone just to keep me entertained in my insomnia. But I was determined to get that second blood draw done today, and they assured me illness wouldn’t affect the numbers, so I did.
And I’m proud of myself. I’m proud that I’m putting on my big girl pants and doing things that used to scare the crap out of me; I’m proud that I’m taking charge of my health and my fertility and doing the best I can to take care of myself and my potential children. It’s so hard. Only my sister and those others out there who have survived cults that don’t allow medicine can possibly understand how hard this is for me. Other than regular gynecological checkups since I was about 33 (which I only started to get on birth control) I have never been to a doctor, never had a blood test, never had any vaccines (you should have seen the doctor’s eyes widen when I told her this yesterday). I was taught that medicine is bad, doctors are bad, hospitals are bad, our bodies are bad. Even though I’ve been out of this mindset for years it still lingers. So I sucked it up and went in today for a real workup – all my numbers: all the thyroid numbers, cholesterol, even an HIV test. And I don’t mind admitting I’m scared of what they’ll find. Years ago I was contemplating getting a test for a certain illness and my mother said to me, “you can, but you know they’re just going to start finding stuff.” I admit these words are echoing in me today.
Not that I expect to come up HIV + or anything; I think this would be somewhat impossible. But I am afraid of what next week’s doctor appointments will tell me. What if I’m all out of whack? What if I have high cholesterol? What if I have to get on a battery of bizarre medications just to get “the numbers” where fertility doctors want them to be, only to still not be able to get pregnant? All this time, my whole life, I have been under the impression that I am healthy, strong, and normal. What if I’m not?
It’s so sad when I think of how I started this week thinking I would finally be able to go in and have my first “try” in just two weeks. Talk about dashed hopes. I guess I’m glad I haven’t wasted money and “tries” without getting a full picture first, and my tactic all along has been to not test or medicate until I know for sure something is wrong. And I respect the clinic for following me in this; it’s one of the reasons I initially chose them, which is that they would let me lead the way as far as how “aggressive” I wanted to be. And with all the signs there until this week I thought for sure I was ovulating and everything was fine. But now that’s all shot to hell.
The worst part is my mind is playing tricks on me. I’m back to that thing of seeing bratty kids out in public and thinking, “God, do you really want to do this?” I’m sick in bed today, and I’m thinking, “What would I do if I had a toddler right now? How could I take care of myself and him/her when I’m sick? I don’t even have any food in the house!” I know what I’m doing is trying to talk myself out of it because I’m preparing for bad news. The problem is in today’s technologically advanced world there is bad news…but there are things you can do about it, if you have the money and you’re willing to put your body through hell. Nobody’s going to tell me (I don’t think) “you’re barren”. What’s most likely to happen next week is they’re probably going to tell me that this number isn’t ideal, this number isn’t ideal, this number isn’t ideal, but you can take these medications for weeks or months or change these habits for weeks or months and then come back and we’ll see if anything has changed. Ugh. Call it the sickness talking, but right now all of that sounds totally draining.
Trust me, even sick you can manage a toddler, I've been doing it this week and am amazed at myself lol. As for the tests and all that goes with it, it is totally worth it in the end. I don't have the same issues with medical stuff, but am scared of needles :) Who knew when you got pregnant they take like vials and vials of blood! never mind that I ended up with gestational diabetes and had to test my sugars 4 times a day... but you do it, and in the end it's really all worth it. Good luck with all your tests.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through Choice Moms and fell in love with your irreverence.
ReplyDeleteAs such, I wanted to see if you would be willing to speak with me for my documentary in development on single midlife women seeking to become first-time mothers.
I am looking for a diverse pool of single midlife women willing to share their stories of the heartache, trials, social stigma and joys.
These midlife subjects may come from any walk of life -- lesbians, cancer survivors, disabled, women who have endured alone the trauma of infertility or some other -- but their central desire is to become a mother.
I am one of the producers for the project and, myself, a single, midlife woman with an ever-present desire to become a mother. I’m not certain what form motherhood will take for me, whether it be through donor eggs, adoption or surrogacy, but I remain convinced that motherhood is my calling.
My hope is the documentary would provide discourse on the topic and draw to light the fact that the desire for motherhood doesn’t necessarily wane as menopause approaches or fade if a woman finds herself in midlife without a partner.
I’m looking for women who would bravely side with me in the telling of this thrilling -- albeit angst-ridden – journey and hope to hear from you and/or your readers regarding this intensely personal project.
I have included my contact information below and would welcome your contact and story and those from other women you may know who find themselves in this position.
I thank you in advance and greatly appreciate your consideration.
Sincerely,
Rhonda McClain
rmcclainla@sbcglobal.net