I have a confession to make. I am a “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” IPhone app addict. Time was when the “Texting While Intoxicated” app was my favorite (forwarded texts from 20-somethings about drunken debauchery – ironically often involving conversations that sound like this: “Dude, I think I might be pregs” – answer: “Whore.”). But in an effort to effectively track my cycles I downloaded the WTE app and behold – inside access to all the longing, loss, jealousy, anger, frustration and (occasionally) joy the “TTC community” has to offer (for you newbs out there, TTC is Trying to Conceive).
The WTE app, I discovered, in addition to totally useless little tidbits (for me) about “how to keep romance in the relationship while you’re TTC” also includes access to four discussion boards - “Trying to Conceive” (my personal favorite because it’s the most active), “Fertility Treatments” (second favorite because of helpful information – also a lot more older moms on here, go figure), “Preparing for Pregnancy” (not too interested in this one because they mostly involve posts that sound like this: “my DH *Dear Husband* is 24 and I’m 19 and I’m trying for baby #1, so excited!!!”), and “Grief and Loss” (I don’t touch this one with a ten foot pole).
I’ve been reading these boards several times a day for months now, and have noticed a few interesting things. One is, when one of the ladies gets her “BFP” (Big Fat Positive, as in pregnancy test), the other ladies, astonishingly, chime right in with (what I assume are) heartfelt congratulations. This is completely amazing to me. Also confirms my suspicion that my inability to be happy for others when they get something I want makes me a bad person.
The other is (and this will probably also confirm I am a bad person) I am shocked by the circumstances in some of these women’s lives, and yet they want to reproduce. Nearly all of them claim to be overweight, they often have husbands with no jobs or on disability, have other children or stepchildren, are living with in laws, etc etc, as in, far from ideal circumstances, and yet they are hell bent on having another baby. In my more evil days (have I mentioned I’ve become slightly less evil lately?) I would find myself thinking, “This woman shouldn’t be allowed to have a baby! She can’t even spell!” But I guess a better, more positive way of looking at this is wow, the urge to reproduce is that strong that women overcome all kinds of obstacles to make it happen. And heck, if they can do it, I can certainly do it.
I take distinct, perverse pleasure (maybe I’m not becoming less evil) in the “husband rants”. Boy, do these guys sound like bums! Or maybe not even bums, but just…how can I put it…typical guys! They say they want a baby, and then they don’t. They say a baby is too expensive. They act like the infertility is all the woman’s problem; they refuse to have their sperm count tested. They refuse to have sex; they pull out during sex (I can’t imagine what that moment would be like for the woman wanting to get pregnant…ugh). They refuse to help with the kids who are already there; they act distant and detached. They refuse to talk about their feelings, they withdraw and watch TV all weekend. Did I mention how much I hate men sometimes and how glad I am that I get to do this alone???
But my personal favorite theme on these boards, my absolute favorite, and the one that makes me feel like I just got a hug from Jesus every time I see it, is the “why is everyone pregnant but me?” post. Every time I log in and see a post title like, “at my sister’s baby shower” or “another friend announced she’s pregnant on Facebook – can’t stand it!!!” I find myself giggling with Satanic glee (that’s right, I mentioned Jesus and Satan in the same paragraph). You know why? Because it confirms that I’m not as alone in my evilness as I thought. It reminds me that shadenfreude, that cold, cold, joy in seeing others suffer, is alive and well, and experienced not just by me (and Germany). These women write in anguished, run-on sentences about how they just can’t take it anymore, how everyone they know is pregnant (I know the feeling, sister!), why is it so easy for everyone else, why isn’t God blessing them with a little one, all these other mothers are so crappy and they’d be so great, it’s not fair, it’s not FAIR!!! And yes, all of this is so true.
I remember when I was a teenager I briefly attended CODA meetings (Codependents Anonymous). I’ll never forget one older lady who was trying to get pregnant (she seemed “old” at the time but honestly she was probably about my age – yikes). One day when she was “sharing” she blurted out, “I just don’t get it. Every bitch on the street can get pregnant and I can’t!!!” Yes, young women get pregnant more easily, and often when they don’t want to be. Young women also have tighter butts, better metabolism, higher boobies, and far more attention from men, even though we older women are full of soul and experiences and depth of thought. Nope, it’s not fair, life is never fair, and some of the time it really sucks. And in today’s technologically advanced world, we’ve solved so many of life’s inequities, but the one thing we have yet to conquer entirely is “unexplained infertility”. Reproduction is something we have very little control over, still. You may not be able to get pregnant at all. You may get pregnant but it may be “chemical” or ectopic. You may keep miscarrying. You may (horrors) lose the baby late and have to birth it anyway. You may give birth to a live, healthy baby and then 24 hours later it’s dead. Hideous! And I’m signing up for this? Is it worth it? For some bizarre reason I can’t yet explain…yes.
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