Control, Alt, Delete

I had started a blog today about all the things I used to do to fill time because I was lonely and single and how people tend to do things like this when they have nothing better to do (…because they’re lonely and single).  But you know what?  It depressed me.  It was so profoundly negative and so dismissive of my current single, childless, non-pregnant life, that I read it back to myself and said, “Hey, wait a minute!  I’ve got a great life!  I’m not waiting around to meet some guy so my life can begin, screw that!!!”  So, the heck with it.  Control-Alt-Delete.  Let’s talk about why I’m glad I get to be a single mother. 

The name.  I get to not only name my kid what I want, after my relatives, but they get to have my last name.  And I intend to give (them, her, him) the correct spelling of my last name, not the Americanized version I’ve always used that it is now too complicated to undo.  I plan on using a middle name that’s been in our family since 1400 that so far nobody has used.  I’m very excited about this prospect.

That time right after childbirth where you wish the husband would just go away and leave you and your baby alone.  Not that every new mom feels this way (I’m sure many are glad to have help, in that “can you take her?” kind of way), but most married new moms I’ve talked to have admitted husbands are pretty useless during this period.  Let’s face it, not only are you the kid’s mom, protector, and changer, you’re his or her sole food source. And you’re healing from childbirth, and (most) husbands probably can’t wait to get all up in your junk again.  Ugh.  And then there’s that fun dynamic of “well, I’d better give it up because if I don’t he’s going to get it elsewhere.” So now you’re healing, you’re body is all out of whack, you’re nursing, and you have to get all sexy with the guy so he doesn’t go out and cheat on you.  Sounds kind of awful if you ask me.

No parenting disagreements.  What and when the kid eats, where he or she sleeps and how long, when to potty train, who the kid has in his or her life, how and where to school, etc etc, is all up to me.  Now, it might be nice to have someone else doing research and coming up with opinions.  But do men do research on this stuff?  I doubt it.  They may or may not have opinions, but most likely their opinions (like ours) are based solely on, “well, that’s how my family did it.”  And no two families are ever alike, and many (including our own) may have had some pretty destructive habits.  It would be great to be able to make a decision about some parenting issue on my own and then if it’s not working, switch tactics and not have to consult someone.

No in laws.  I don’t have to worry about my kid being exposed to some weirdo in the guy’s family (I imagine a scenario like this – “I don’t want her around Uncle X, he gives me the creeps,” answer: “You’re crazy, he’s totally fine.”), nor being shit-talked about me, nor being influenced in some weird direction by people who are family but are still strangers to me.  Don’t have to feel guilty that I don’t want to spend tons of time with his parents (been watching this unfold on Bethenny Ever After with great interest).

No break ups.  We all know how damaging divorce is to kids.  And face it, married ladies, at least half of you will divorce during your kids’ childhoods.  Not to say I won’t meet someone, get married, and get divorced, too, but I certainly don’t plan on dating (kind of ever again, to be honest) so I don’t really picture this happening for me.

No dependency.  I have my own house, I have my own income.  I never have to feel like I have to beg for an allowance, cut way back when I’m on maternity leave, worry if the husband will feel emasculated because he can’t make enough on his own to support us, etc etc.  I don’t have to feel like I have to stay in a crappy marriage because I can’t afford to support myself and a child on my own (MANY women are in this situation, and it sucks).

No argument over more children.  As noted this is a big issue on the What to Expect discussion boards.  Women always want more children; men rarely do.  They freak out, they think they can’t afford it, they are (probably) jealous because they know the women are way more focused on the kids (it’s true, gentlemen, hate to break it to you).  My heart’s desire is to have two children but I know this may be a stretch at my age.  Still, I love that I can pursue or not pursue this option without having to get someone else’s ok.

The only plusses I personally see to parenting with a partner are: free childcare when you do need to go out, someone to hold your hand during the hard times, and financial help.  Plus I guess the joy of being in a traditional, nuclear family that the world and society recognizes and celebrates.  Other than that, you can keep it.