3/14/11
Missed the window.
The weekend was just as Mission Impossible as I had imagined it would be. Had to jump up from the table a couple of times while eating with the band to answer or make calls to (clinic). Z had called to remind me of weekend protocol, but she’d forgotten I was out of town. Discovered to my dismay that despite all my efforts and getting an early flight home Sunday that it didn’t matter – (clinic) is only open until 10:30 AM Sundays, and my flight landed at 11 AM. Can you believe that? This is what’s killing me right now and what I’m trying to make myself get over, just how close this month was and how stupid that I missed it; how just a few hours one way or the other might have resulted in a pregnancy this month, now I have to wait until April. Ovulated for sure today – had the unmistakable LH surge Saturday, then had the temp drop this morning. As much as I keep trying to rationalize it to myself – oh, the temp drop was because I got two hours’ sleep and had to wake up in the middle of the night for our flight (3 AM LA time); the OPKs are hard to read and I might have had a false positive, etc etc, no – I know I ovulated today, and as we speak the egg is probably dying a slow death. Another possible progeny down the drain. Ugh!!!
Spent the weekend obsessively peeing on sticks (I can see how women get addicted to this), setting alarms, waking up, going back to bed, peeing, making furtive phone calls, taking my temperature at all hours of the day and night, dehydrating myself so as not to dilute the hormones and screw up the readings, etc etc. Got myself so worked up into a frenzy I finally had to call Y who thank goodness talked me down. All the time just PRAYING I wouldn’t see that LH surge or temp drop, just one day, all I need is one more day…but no. Body didn’t cooperate, illness & stress of India did nothing to delay my old crusty egg from dropping right on schedule. Damn it!
With that said I am still going in tomorrow. Z said we can do an ultrasound to confirm ovulation did occur (apparently they can’t tell you if an egg is present or gone, but can confirm it happened recently due to the presence of various fluids, evidence of follicle rupture, etc, which would be interesting to know although not terribly helpful), and we still need to figure out my lining thickness (too thin could indicate some real problems, and it is a distinct possibility for me) and progesterone issues. She even said we could have the sperm on standby if I want to go for it anyway – after all, the egg can live for 24 hours, who’s to say it won’t still be there tomorrow morning? I’ve been vacillating terribly on this issue. One, I don’t want to waste the money. If it were free I would go for it. I don’t mind the disappointment if it doesn’t work; I love the idea of sticking to my plan and spending the next two weeks in hopeful anticipation instead of boredom and frustration waiting for the damned period to show so I can start the monitoring process all over again. But if I do try I imagine I’ll be put on progesterone, and I won’t get the chance to see if my body is making it on its own now (don’t know about Feb’s luteal phase temps because I didn’t temp); I’m curious if this issue is working itself out and a result of coming off birth control still, or if this is a “real” hormonal issue I have (and maybe always had) which means if I weren’t doing all this homework and were just married and trying on my own I’d continually be miscarrying and not knowing why, which is kind of horrifying. So if I try I won’t be able to monitor myself naturally and see if my body is doing better than it was in Jan; I’ll spend $900 on probably nothing, and set myself up for disappointment. Then again April is better because a) noted more time since birth control hopefully equals better lining thickness, progesterone, and general health; b) more time since India to recover (who knows what nasty bacteria still lingers from that nightmare); c) I can proceed with my dental cleaning/X rays on Thurs; d) not traveling between now and then so I can RELAX and get all my ducks in a row and then go in all proper and ready, unlike this hot mess of a situation. And even with all this, even with the timing right, the lining thickness right, the progesterone right, it STILL may not actually work, only due to the quality of my eggs. Isn’t that a pisser? I sit here in the moment just assuming if only the timing weren’t all screwed up like this month that it would just up and work, when in fact there’s only a 1 in 4 chance of it working, and we know very well where I tend to fall in situations that involve “odds of success”. I keep telling myself it’s going to be so easy and quick, when everything in life has taught me that this is NOT true, that nothing is ever easy or quick, and there’s a lot of heartache and disappointment in this world. This is, in fact, the reason many of us choose to bring children into our lives – to offset the heartache, loss, and disappointment of life. Ironic, isn’t it?
Either way I’m going in at 8:30 tomorrow AM and they will tell me some things and I’m sure it’ll all be very eye opening, as every visit/conversation I’ve had has been (always discover something I thought to be accurate to be totally not, and/or some new and often discouraging piece of information about my particular situation). Will or will not “try” – at the moment I’m thinking not. What’s the rush? April is perfectly good. Curious to see if my temp spikes tomorrow. According to all the signs, it should.
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