Anything can happen with a razor

So today is one of those days that I am trying to comfort myself with pat quotations like “everything happens for a reason,” even though to my core I absolutely don’t believe this is true.  Try telling a woman in the Congo who just saw her family butchered in front of her that it “happened for a reason” or it happened to “teach her something”.  Try it, Oprah.  I dare ya!

But whenever I think of the phrase “everything happens for a reason” I think of one of my favorite comedy bits by a great comic, Laura Kightlinger.  And I quote: “The thing that amazes me about getting fired is that nobody ever has anything insightful to say about it. They always say the same thing. They always say, “Everything happens for a reason.” As lame as that sounds, I guess it’s better to hear it out loud. Because when you hear it in your own head, it sounds like, “Anything can happen with a razor.”

Now let me just point out that I am not suicidal.  I’m fine.  I have no intention of harming myself.  If I kill myself, then I for sure won’t get to have a baby, and where’s the fun in that?  Imagine what my progesterone level will be after I’m dead?  Wacka wacka.  But I will admit I was blindsided by a sudden surge of utter despair today and I’m trying to work out why.

Nothing happened.  I went to the Kaiser gynecologist and they of course told me they can’t help me until they have those Day 3 labs run, which was two days ago, so now I have to wait a whole month and throw another cycle down the toilet just to find out if I can even do any of this.  They set up an appointment with their new fertility specialist over at the Sunset complex.  And in the meantime I’ll go in for an ultrasound in a week to see if we can try an IUI but I already know what they’re going to tell me – you’re not ovulating, we can’t try today.  Please give your payment at the door.

Do I wish I had started this process running my labs back in December, so I would at least have known what I was in for?  Maybe, but I understand why I didn’t.  I wanted to wait to get the birth control out of my system, and then I had my trip which threw everything off, and I’ve only been back from that trip for three weeks.  I’m pissed I missed my chance to have labs run on Sunday and will now have to flush April down the crapper, but what can you do?  Also I truly believed my low post-O temperatures were just low progesterone.  Nobody told me low progesterone means you’re not ovulating at all.  Had I known this I wouldn’t have been in for such a shock.  I’m still adjusting to this information that despite all my testing & temping for months, and the belief that I was normal and healthy, that in fact my body isn’t working.  I’m broken, and I won’t know for another month if I can even be fixed. 

I think a lot of this too is coming down from having spent all weekend at my friend’s fairy tale wedding.  I hate to admit this (and I will delete this if I ever tell her about this blog) but it was hard for me.  Not that I’m not happy for her, not that I’m not confident in their future together.  But she just got everything I ever wanted and I didn’t.  She’s having this amazing lavish wedding surrounded by family and love and hope, and I’m off in a corner on my cell phone talking about FSH tests and hormones.  It’s just depressing.  I naively thought this would be so easy for me, and now it’s getting really complicated and expensive, and there’s no guarantee of anything – no way of knowing if a year from now I’ll be sitting here nursing a baby or if I’ll still be just like this, except broke and battered.  And you know what’s even more f’d up?  My friend that just had this amazing lavish wedding will probably be the one sitting here in a year nursing her baby that she conceived without even trying.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Oprah.