That ol’ devil

Turns out my malaise last week was...drumroll...PMS. Got my period five days early, and it’s been gnarly, with terrible breakouts and cramps. I cannot wait until this now useless body function ceases to plague me every three weeks.

It didn’t hurt that the media erasure of Warren seemed to (at least temporarily) roll back ever so slightly after she slayed in the debate. I’m starting to see male friends start to post about her being their candidate on FB, and women empowered to publicly state that they don’t like Bernie, which would have been impossible before. The sexism is real, yo. 

Yesterday I volunteered to chaperone Bobby’s field trip to the zoo. He’s very much wanted me to be involved with his school stuff, and I have been obliging. In this instance, I was unaware that we’d be required to lead a group of kids (in this case, just Bobby and one other boy) through the zoo alone, which is pretty much my worst nightmare. I was profoundly uncomfortable taking charge of a strange kid and having to field his request for treats and toys...and being responsible for his finishing the assignment they were given, making sure he eats, goes to the bathroom, etc. But I just told myself to do the best I could, and thankfully he was a friendly kid who chuckled when I sang “coooold pockets!” when he took out a Hot Pocket for lunch. So...I think I did ok...? Nobody lost a limb or disappeared and everyone was delivered safely to the bus at the end of the day. But boy oh boy is that sort of thing out of my comfort zone. Apparently eight years of parenting has not removed my intense awkwardness around children.

Bobby is taking some sort of standardized test next month which, according to the other parents at the zoo, determines which kids are “gifted” and sets them up for different tracks from now on. It’s pretty nerve-wracking, but I’m going to try to hide my feelings about it so Bobby doesn’t pick up on my anxiety. Will he be labeled gifted? I don’t know...I kind of don’t think so. I mean, he’s a smart kid who so far has done well academically, but is he doing better than the other kids? Probably not. I once asked for average kids and I believe I got them. They seem to hang in the middle of the pack much of the time - which is a good place to be. It’ll be interesting to see how that pans out. 

Feeling the burn

I’m struggling today.

I’m not sure what it is. Most likely it’s just lack of exercise. I know well that feeling “off” makes you just want to lie around, and that lying around makes you depressed, and so the cycle goes. But I’m feeling very overwhelmed and just want to bury my head under the covers and not come out.

Mainly, I don’t feel well. I’ve now been back from Mexico for a week but have had diarrhea the entire week. It’s not scary, I-need-to-be-hospitalized-due-to-dehydration level, but it is I-wonder-if-I-should-see-a-doctor level. I’ve made sporadic attempts at fasting during this - today is another “fast day”, but honestly I feel so utterly lousy that I don’t know if I’ll make it. As a result I’ve put some weight back on (you’d think a week of diarrhea would at least help lose weight - nope), which means I’m pretty much starting over. Sigh. 

I’m really scared for the future. My favorite candidate - Elizabeth Warren - is sliding in the polls and very unlikely to get the nomination, which I find utterly heartbreaking. Would I happily support Bernie? Of course. But I personally believe Warren would make a better president, and I’m just sick about it. Also, all of the Bernie Bros with their thinly veiled sexism in my FB feed are making me nuts. 

AB5 - the California law basically outlawing my two businesses - still looms. Nobody knows what to do and everyone is terrified. Not to be dramatic but this *might* be the thing that utterly destroys me. If I ignore it - which I plan to - and get caught, we’re talking thousands, even millions, in penalties. It causes me tremendous stress every day.

Bobby has started pooping his pants again. I feel like this is never, ever going to end. I’m going to have a high school kid who still craps his pants every few weeks. I can’t stand it. 

I have a massive tangle of taxes - extremely complicated this year - that I somehow have to unravel this week. The thought of it makes me, again, just want to hide my head under the covers. 

There’s so much more - my still unresolved car accident, tons of looming home repairs, people not returning phone calls or emails with desperately needed information...etc etc. You know the feeling.

None of this is that terrible - all of it will be resolved. But I’m just exhausted and don’t feel well and I just want it all to go away. 

Viva Cancún!

I spent last Wednesday through Monday in Cancún with a friend. It was amazing - so much incredible natural beauty. It was also my first experience with an all-inclusive resort - I don’t know if I’ll ever quite recover from the weirdness of ordering multiple dishes when I’m not crazy about the one I got, and then getting up and leaving the table without paying. Totally bizarre! I hope the next time I go to a restaurant I don’t do this by accident!

Also, having now visited Chichen Itza, I have seen four of the seven wonders of the world (including the Taj Mahal, the Great Wall of China, and the pyramids). I’m only missing Petra, Machu Picchu, and the colosseum.

The boys did well without me - I always feel anxiety about leaving them with the BF, especially for more than a weekend, especially when I’m in another country. But he is a lot more responsible with other people than he is with himself, so I always return to a clean house and happy and safe kids. 

Now my job is to jump in and get on the kids’ various projects - Valentines for 48 kids on Friday, specially decorated valentines boxes, teacher presents, volunteering at Bobby’s pizza party Friday, and supervising Bobby’s James and the Giant Peach board game project also due Friday. 

The money has arrived from my opening night, and I’ve been able to pay my $15,000 credit card, property tax, and various bills. That’s a huge relief. 

I wasn’t trying to fast on my vacation, and my attempt yesterday ended up being a 900 calorie day and not a 500 calorie day. But I intend to do my 500 calorie fast tomorrow, and  experimenting with skipping breakfast and eating low calorie lunches and dinners on most weekdays (very doable) also; maybe I can just do that Monday-Friday instead of the fasts? Still tinkering. My weight loss of course ground to a halt on my trip, but hey, I’m still down six lbs from this time last month, so I’m not mad about it. I’ll be back on track now. 

Opening night

My 23rd annual event is officially on. We opened Saturday night and had a flash sale that lasted until 8 pm last night. Everything went well until the price didn’t increase as planned; thankfully only two people slipped in before my partner in the registration system was able to fix it. It was very touch and go - lots of problems and issues the whole day Saturday before launching, which did not fill me with confidence. BUT it’s a huge improvement on last year, and it’s amazing to have a system that’s fully transparent and works.

How are the numbers? It’s hard to say, when I have no data from last year. But going by bank accounts, I’m $10,000 short of last year. Which means I’m short maybe 50 people? Doesn’t matter. I’m ahead of 2018, and that was an excellent year. So I’m contented. It’s going to be good. Still on top.

Day after tomorrow I leave for Cancún with my friend. I’m a bit nervous because the weather doesn’t look good right now - rainy and lightning storms the whole time we’re there. I hope this clears up!

Today is a cold, blustery day so I’m taking this opportunity to spend the day on the couch with a nice fire and British architecture shows. Can’t beat that. 

Longest month ever?

Several people have posted on FB how long January has felt. I’d have to agree. But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. February means my event is officially open, which means I have money again, but also means my work cycle begins again, so I am officially back “on”. I have mixed feelings about that. I’m in no hurry.

I think we’re all struggling with kids struggling with the return to school. It’s been like pulling teeth to get B to get through his escalating homework lately. Juggling the two kids each evening with their own reading requirements, homework, and (for Bobby) musical practice, is always a huge challenge. It mostly involves Theo being allowed to watch TV in my bedroom while I try to guide B through all his extra work. Theo only has to read with me and work on memorizing his rainbow words. As it’s been for as long as I can remember, those three hours between kid pickup and bedtime are like a marathon. I look ahead to years of standardized testing, projects, and real grades, and shudder. How are we going to get through all that? Are my kids always going to be this dependent on me to help them with every little thing? Am I creating this dependency? Or at five and seven is it just the way it is? 

In other news, I am down nearly 7 lbs with my 5:2 diet. I’ve discovered what works best for me is just not eating until the evening and having a normal 500 calorie dinner. I noticed when I try to eat two or three small meals it makes me a lot hungrier; I do better when I just don’t eat and instead drink tea and water with electrolytes all day. Yesterday I didn’t eat until dinner time and it worked much better for me. So I may just do that from now on on my fast days. Although I’ve lost a decent amount of weight and I’m pleased with it, a) I’m still technically overweight, b) weight loss has slowed to 1-1 1/2 lbs per week, and c) I still have 7-12 lbs to go before I’ll meet any kind of “goal weight” and those goals will take 2-3 more months to meet. So I don’t want to start celebrating too soon. I have a lot of work ahead of me. But I’m at a weight today that I haven’t seen in about a year, so yay for that. And with being able to eat normally five days a week it feels pretty effortless. 

Saturday my event opens. I met with my partner in the event software today and everything looks on target. I’m praying for a smooth opener with no technical problems and lots and lots of signups. I’ll know everything by Sunday. 

I’ve been keeping myself busy by planting up my vegetable garden. Nearly everything that was planted last year died, so I pulled most things out and just started over. Surviving are a tomato plant, eggplant, collard greens, and some peppers. I planted lettuce, spinach, Brussels sprouts, catnip, cherry tomatoes, and kale. Thursday (my next fast day!) I’m going to plant lots of flowers, bulbs, carrots, more peppers, more tomatoes. I think this garden will be a process of elimination until I find the right things that will work. But I’ll get there.

In a week I leave for Cancún. Stoked.

Resistance Witch rides again

I participated in my fourth Women’s March Saturday. As always, it was invigorating and empowering. We had 350,000 people in LA. I just wish there wasn’t a dance event in Orange County the same weekend that knocks out the entire swing dance community. So many women I saw there said, “I so wish I could march this weekend!” I did both, but I seriously screwed up my voice for singing Saturday night. Ugh. 

So after two days of driving 1 1/2 hours both ways to Newport Beach, getting up early to march, singing until late at night, and dealing with some emotionally charged social situations (having to confront someone I fired a couple of years ago, having to share a dinner table with a Trump supporter, dealing with my diminished voice), I am totally drained. I’m sorry but today is going to have to be one of those “kids on iPads all day” kind of days. I hate it but I just don’t have the physical energy or emotional bandwidth for anything else. They are doing it together and actively engaging with each other and having fun, so I guess that’s ok...?

Week one of my 5:2 diet went well. I fasted on Monday and Thursday, and found it pretty doable. Things I ate were: big salads with low fat dressing, steamed broccoli with Parmesan, lentil soup, hard boiled eggs, water with electrolytes, tea. I find if I don’t eat breakfast I’m not really hungry until about one; but the hardest time is around 4-6. I’m thinking I might push dinner to those times so at least I’m better prepared for the long evenings with kids, without being too hungry. In the first week I was down 4 lbs. I shudder to imagine where I’m at now with a weekend of not great eating, but I feel as long as I’m still losing over all it’s worth sticking with. The main point of this diet - not being on it all the time - really works for me. So, we shall see. I always feel like you should give a diet 4-6 weeks before making a decision about it. So I’ll try to do that before deciding if it’s something I can live with. 

Fasting, day 1

I have survived a three week winter break with the kids not in winter camp. It was easier than anticipated. I would like to thank my co-conspirators, IPads, for their help in this venture. Kids dropped at school an hour ago. Yay.

We had a nice visit to south Florida to see my sister who moved there with her husband last year. It’s funny visiting a place for the first time knowing you’ll be spending a lot of time there in your future. We got home late Thursday night and then I had to unpack and repack and drive up to Sacramento the next morning, early, for a series of singing gigs. Got home late Saturday, then spent Sunday grocery shopping, unpacking, doing laundry, cooking, and getting the house in order for our return to normal life. Exhaustion doesn’t begin to describe it. I’m going to need a reset day today. 

More significantly, though, today I start a thing called the 5:2 diet. You eat 500 calories two days a week and your “TDEE” the other five days, which for me is 1800 (super doable, since I usually eat about 1500). My “fast” days will be Monday and Thursday. So today I have not eaten yet, and instead will have a tiny lunch and tiny dinner. I investigated the various intermittent fasting scenarios and decided this is the one for me, because it’s kind of like dieting part time. It’s not something you are required to do every single day for months at a time, which is not sustainable for me with my travel schedule. It’s also not practical for me to restrict my eating schedule to eight or less hours a day - again, with travel there’s no way I’d be able to do this all the time. This one, however, I feel like I can do, and make it a lifestyle, since it allows for living normally - eating at restaurants, pancakes with the kids on weekends, etc - the majority of the time. The only thing I have to worry about is just how hard it’s going to be on those fasting days - we’ll find out today!! - and what happens if this diet just plain doesn’t work (sadly, as with all diets, results for women are nowhere near as impressive as for men). I figure if I can tolerate it I can always up my fast days to three days a week, at least temporarily. But what I’m trying to do is find something I can live with permanently; eating 1100 calories a day, every day, is not sustainable for me, as we’ve seen. And just three weeks of eating normally and not exercising over this vacation and I’ve gained four pounds. If I keep going at this rate I’ll gain 5-10 pounds a year, and I’m already almost ten pounds overweight. You do the math. So I need to find something I can incorporate into my life permanently. I hope to god this is it. 

This week I make a cash deposit to get me through February’s mortgage - $2500. And I’ll be going into the new fiscal year with probably a $13,000 - 15,000 credit card bill. So, not great. I hate starting the year at a deficit. But unlike last year, this year I’m going to guard my pennies zealously - no special projects except the one I have to do, which is make whatever accommodations the garage needs to install a car charger for when I go electric when my lease is up in November. 

Ok, I’m going to go do my 2.3 mile daily walk on an empty stomach. Wish me luck.