Longest month ever?

Several people have posted on FB how long January has felt. I’d have to agree. But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. February means my event is officially open, which means I have money again, but also means my work cycle begins again, so I am officially back “on”. I have mixed feelings about that. I’m in no hurry.

I think we’re all struggling with kids struggling with the return to school. It’s been like pulling teeth to get B to get through his escalating homework lately. Juggling the two kids each evening with their own reading requirements, homework, and (for Bobby) musical practice, is always a huge challenge. It mostly involves Theo being allowed to watch TV in my bedroom while I try to guide B through all his extra work. Theo only has to read with me and work on memorizing his rainbow words. As it’s been for as long as I can remember, those three hours between kid pickup and bedtime are like a marathon. I look ahead to years of standardized testing, projects, and real grades, and shudder. How are we going to get through all that? Are my kids always going to be this dependent on me to help them with every little thing? Am I creating this dependency? Or at five and seven is it just the way it is? 

In other news, I am down nearly 7 lbs with my 5:2 diet. I’ve discovered what works best for me is just not eating until the evening and having a normal 500 calorie dinner. I noticed when I try to eat two or three small meals it makes me a lot hungrier; I do better when I just don’t eat and instead drink tea and water with electrolytes all day. Yesterday I didn’t eat until dinner time and it worked much better for me. So I may just do that from now on on my fast days. Although I’ve lost a decent amount of weight and I’m pleased with it, a) I’m still technically overweight, b) weight loss has slowed to 1-1 1/2 lbs per week, and c) I still have 7-12 lbs to go before I’ll meet any kind of “goal weight” and those goals will take 2-3 more months to meet. So I don’t want to start celebrating too soon. I have a lot of work ahead of me. But I’m at a weight today that I haven’t seen in about a year, so yay for that. And with being able to eat normally five days a week it feels pretty effortless. 

Saturday my event opens. I met with my partner in the event software today and everything looks on target. I’m praying for a smooth opener with no technical problems and lots and lots of signups. I’ll know everything by Sunday. 

I’ve been keeping myself busy by planting up my vegetable garden. Nearly everything that was planted last year died, so I pulled most things out and just started over. Surviving are a tomato plant, eggplant, collard greens, and some peppers. I planted lettuce, spinach, Brussels sprouts, catnip, cherry tomatoes, and kale. Thursday (my next fast day!) I’m going to plant lots of flowers, bulbs, carrots, more peppers, more tomatoes. I think this garden will be a process of elimination until I find the right things that will work. But I’ll get there.

In a week I leave for Cancún. Stoked.

Resistance Witch rides again

I participated in my fourth Women’s March Saturday. As always, it was invigorating and empowering. We had 350,000 people in LA. I just wish there wasn’t a dance event in Orange County the same weekend that knocks out the entire swing dance community. So many women I saw there said, “I so wish I could march this weekend!” I did both, but I seriously screwed up my voice for singing Saturday night. Ugh. 

So after two days of driving 1 1/2 hours both ways to Newport Beach, getting up early to march, singing until late at night, and dealing with some emotionally charged social situations (having to confront someone I fired a couple of years ago, having to share a dinner table with a Trump supporter, dealing with my diminished voice), I am totally drained. I’m sorry but today is going to have to be one of those “kids on iPads all day” kind of days. I hate it but I just don’t have the physical energy or emotional bandwidth for anything else. They are doing it together and actively engaging with each other and having fun, so I guess that’s ok...?

Week one of my 5:2 diet went well. I fasted on Monday and Thursday, and found it pretty doable. Things I ate were: big salads with low fat dressing, steamed broccoli with Parmesan, lentil soup, hard boiled eggs, water with electrolytes, tea. I find if I don’t eat breakfast I’m not really hungry until about one; but the hardest time is around 4-6. I’m thinking I might push dinner to those times so at least I’m better prepared for the long evenings with kids, without being too hungry. In the first week I was down 4 lbs. I shudder to imagine where I’m at now with a weekend of not great eating, but I feel as long as I’m still losing over all it’s worth sticking with. The main point of this diet - not being on it all the time - really works for me. So, we shall see. I always feel like you should give a diet 4-6 weeks before making a decision about it. So I’ll try to do that before deciding if it’s something I can live with. 

Fasting, day 1

I have survived a three week winter break with the kids not in winter camp. It was easier than anticipated. I would like to thank my co-conspirators, IPads, for their help in this venture. Kids dropped at school an hour ago. Yay.

We had a nice visit to south Florida to see my sister who moved there with her husband last year. It’s funny visiting a place for the first time knowing you’ll be spending a lot of time there in your future. We got home late Thursday night and then I had to unpack and repack and drive up to Sacramento the next morning, early, for a series of singing gigs. Got home late Saturday, then spent Sunday grocery shopping, unpacking, doing laundry, cooking, and getting the house in order for our return to normal life. Exhaustion doesn’t begin to describe it. I’m going to need a reset day today. 

More significantly, though, today I start a thing called the 5:2 diet. You eat 500 calories two days a week and your “TDEE” the other five days, which for me is 1800 (super doable, since I usually eat about 1500). My “fast” days will be Monday and Thursday. So today I have not eaten yet, and instead will have a tiny lunch and tiny dinner. I investigated the various intermittent fasting scenarios and decided this is the one for me, because it’s kind of like dieting part time. It’s not something you are required to do every single day for months at a time, which is not sustainable for me with my travel schedule. It’s also not practical for me to restrict my eating schedule to eight or less hours a day - again, with travel there’s no way I’d be able to do this all the time. This one, however, I feel like I can do, and make it a lifestyle, since it allows for living normally - eating at restaurants, pancakes with the kids on weekends, etc - the majority of the time. The only thing I have to worry about is just how hard it’s going to be on those fasting days - we’ll find out today!! - and what happens if this diet just plain doesn’t work (sadly, as with all diets, results for women are nowhere near as impressive as for men). I figure if I can tolerate it I can always up my fast days to three days a week, at least temporarily. But what I’m trying to do is find something I can live with permanently; eating 1100 calories a day, every day, is not sustainable for me, as we’ve seen. And just three weeks of eating normally and not exercising over this vacation and I’ve gained four pounds. If I keep going at this rate I’ll gain 5-10 pounds a year, and I’m already almost ten pounds overweight. You do the math. So I need to find something I can incorporate into my life permanently. I hope to god this is it. 

This week I make a cash deposit to get me through February’s mortgage - $2500. And I’ll be going into the new fiscal year with probably a $13,000 - 15,000 credit card bill. So, not great. I hate starting the year at a deficit. But unlike last year, this year I’m going to guard my pennies zealously - no special projects except the one I have to do, which is make whatever accommodations the garage needs to install a car charger for when I go electric when my lease is up in November. 

Ok, I’m going to go do my 2.3 mile daily walk on an empty stomach. Wish me luck. 

Shmesolutions

Inspired by others’ Facebook posts about the end of the year/decade and goals for the next one, I thought I’d do a little summary here. 

2010-2020 was no doubt the most dramatic of my decades, being as it brought me my children. But the 90s were a pretty tumultuous set, too, with me moving to LA and starting my event. Still, I’d say the decade you have your children is no doubt the most life-changing.

I once had a vision of myself at this age with no children and regrets. I know this would be true, because I know myself. And to think of all I would have missed out on! But here I am, a mother of two, and 47. I am content with (and grateful for) this. 

Short term goals? Weight loss, of course. I have been sucked back into contemplating intermittent fasting, based only on two things: 1) it’s something I haven’t tried, and 2) smart people I know swear by it. I am very skeptical - I don’t see how your body won’t just stress out and start holding on to calories if you periodically starve it like that; also, since it’s really just about reducing calories, why not just do that, since that’s the only thing that really works? But. Being as everything I try fails in the long run and I just keep gaining more and more pounds each year, what the hell - might as well try it. 

I’d like to say I’ll commit to more self care - getting my nails done, styling my hair, etc etc - but as long as I’m home alone all day I really don’t see the need. 

I’d like to start composting. Some people I know tried it and hated it. I may very well be one of those people. But again - I feel like I should try. Might encourage me to up my gardening game, which to be honest, has been a bit of a disaster.

My resolution to learn to knit has been wildly successful. I hope this year to improve and learn more skills - I want to break out of the safety of just basic knit stitch scarves and learn crochet, other stitches, and how to make sweaters and hats and other things, maybe even learn to read patterns. Since I get so much enjoyment out of knitting and have so much time in the evenings (and three more months of winter), this I think I’ll actually accomplish. 

Other than that, I just want things to continue on as they have - I want the kids to thrive, my relationship to continue, my businesses to survive AB5, the house to stay in one piece, etc etc. I want to get my first all-electric car when my lease is up in November. 

Decade goals? I want to pay off my house and second mortgage - both of these should be accomplished by 2026. It would be nice to be married. I want the kids to grow and find their passions and not understand why mommy was so sad when she was their age. I want the event to continue and stay relevant. I want the band to continue. It would be great to learn a musical instrument, but this may have to wait. I’d love to travel with girlfriends more. I’d love to charge into menopause with a plan to stay thin and healthy, but this may not happen for me, and I hope I can live with that. 

I want Trump and his cronies to be marched away in handcuffs. This may also never happen. But boy, would it be sweet. 

That’s it. Happy New Year, all, and new decade! 

....aaaaand....poop

Bobby’s started pooping his pants again. Oh, the familiar routine - Bobby starts looking/acting weird, I ask him if he needs to go to the bathroom, he admits in a whisper that he already did. Ugh. It’s happened at least once a day nearly every day this vacation - he’s clearly constipated despite daily Miralax. Last night I gave him a laxative. No poop in pants today - yet. He had a lengthy play date with no accidents, thank god. We’ll see how the rest of today goes, all of tomorrow, and our long flight day to Florida Wednesday. But it doesn’t bode well - vacations, time changes, unfamiliar surroundings, off schedule, strange food leading to exceptional pickiness - all of this spells disaster for the chronically constipated. Just when I thought we were done with all this. Now we have to go back to the old routine - forcing him on the toilet multiple times a day, cleaning out shitty underwear, threats, punishments, me at my absolute wits’ end. It’s a nightmare. One I thought was over. I wonder if this is ever going to be over or something we’ll have to deal with his whole life. He claims he just doesn’t feel like getting up to go to the bathroom - which tells me this is something he does have control over; it’s just some bizarre behavioral quirk. I keep telling him he’s almost eight, not two - this is not acceptable. We agreed the next poop accident he loses all screens for a week. Will he makes the effort and stop this? Who knows? 

In other news, out of nowhere it’s been brought to my attention that a new law passed in California requiring all employers to make their 1099’d independent contractors full employees could, worst case scenario, completely destroy both my band and my dance event. All of the people that work for both entities are independent contractors; I only use them a few hours a year. How can this be accurate? And yet that’s the law. And nobody knows anything, so trying to get a straight answer is impossible; I’ve emailed my two accountants but I’m assuming they won’t even be in the office for another week. My guess is there will be loopholes I can slip through - or, if not, worst case is I’ll be stuck with paying thousands in social security, worker’s comp, etc etc, which I could manage for the event; not so much for our band. I don’t like to be an alarmist so I’m hoping something will happen to save me - but if not...this could be the end of everything. I may need to move my event out of state; our band may not be able to even exist. I may have to move out of state, even. I can’t even wrap my head around how utterly devastating this could be. So I’m trying to assume the most likely scenario which is I just have to re-classify a few things to make it work, change some ways I file/do things, and that will be the end of it. 

It’s been a rough couple of days; now the little petty annoyances have become unbearable; I’m short tempered and depressed. But I’m going to try to rally soon - everything else is going my way, everyone is healthy (knock wood), we’re about to escape this relentless California winter chill for a little slice of summer in Florida, where I get to spend quality time with my sister, have people help with the kids, and not manage a household for a while. 

Also, Bobby built this 16 years plus LEGO set all by himself in two days. Not bad, eh?

So far, so good

So, I’m part way into my first ever three week winter break with no child care. So far, it’s not too bad. Honestly, not having to get up early and hustle kids through a morning routine is awesome enough that it’s actually worth then having kids around all day. The one negative is I haven’t figured out how to consistently exercise. I plan on hitting up the Y with their free child care a couple of days - but what I really want is to go on long hikes. Bobby could hang - but Theo would make me carry him after about five minutes. An excellent work out, perhaps, but not exactly what I had in mind. 

Today while the kids assembled LEGO sets, read, played on iPads, played with kiddie smart watches, and did bey blade battles, I knitted Theo a hat that I improvised:

I also made some lemon juice ice cubes, juiced every orange from our tree, took down and put away all the Christmas decorations, did laundry, fixed my non-working texting on my phone, sorted and stored new toys so they weren’t covering the floor in a sea of sharp nightmares, collapsed endless boxes, took out several bags of garbage, and generally tidied, all to avoid the real work of the moment which is completely updating my event website for next year. Fuck it, I’ll do it tomorrow.

Although we’ve had a mostly conflict-free Christmas, I definitely see how kids are not themselves on holidays. I keep reading reports of crying mothers, children sent to their rooms and presents threatened with being tossed in the garbage. It’s funny because as a kid I have no memory of holiday conflict; but maybe my mother was a boiling cauldron of rage and just hid it well...? Also, she was dealing with one compliant little girl and her much older sister, not two rambunctious boys close in age. Those two parenting experiences aren’t even remotely similar. Managing these two boys’ insane amount of energy is 99% of what I don’t like about motherhood and is 100% of the reason I need to take my breaks when I can. 

On my list for next year is stemming the massive tsunami of plastic crap. The BF as always went nuts and spent thousands of dollars on an insane amount of toys, most of which will be forgotten and abandoned within a week, which I then have to find a way to “manage” (ie dispose of in the least environmentally offensive way possible). I realize he’s a compulsive shopper and probably still feels the need to buy affection from them...but I’m really going to try to put my foot down next year. I’m going to try to set a limit - going with the four gift rule: “something to wear, something to read, something they want, something they need”. Can I stick to this...? I don’t know...but I’m terrified of raising spoiled, entitled kids who think money grows on trees and don’t appreciate anything. I’m going to try a “please no gifts” policy for their birthday - or maybe think of something small everyone can bring, or a donation to a charity, or something else. I plan on having a big dual birthday party again and the thought of sorting through hundreds of pieces of cheap plastic crap again positively makes me cringe. There’s got to be a better way. 

Christmas Eve eve eve eve eve eve

One more day of school! This has been my countdown chant every day. Thankfully Bobby’s teacher has not assigned homework this week (I kind of love her) and as of Tuesday I’ve given up trying to make Bobby practice violin. The kids are so impossibly keyed up that getting them to do anything at all is a monumental task. I don’t know how teachers manage kids on these weeks before breaks/holidays. Or the weeks after, for that matter. Or any time, now that I think of it.

Yesterday I helped out at Bobby’s class’ potluck. I brought decorations on a whim that were admired by all - not so my utter failure of a spinach/hummus wrap Christmas tree (too many things went wrong there to count - Bobby very sweetly ate some and claimed to like it). Today I wrapped about 10,000 presents. I don’t know how people do all these things while working full time jobs. My hat is off to you. 

I booked a five day trip to Cancun in February with a friend who’s taking time off before starting a new job. I’ve never done the resort Mexico thing - I’ve only ever visited relatives or gone down the Baja peninsula camping (back when it was relatively safe). I can’t wait to swim in cenotes and see pyramids. I think it will cure my not-traveling-with-the-band blues until things pick up again in April.

Right now I’m playing cat-and-mouse with my bank account. I’m down to my last $4000 but need to make it past Feb 1st. Booking this trip helps because I can let it sit on my credit card while being paid back by my friend; I also have rent money from the BF and a small surplus in another bank account I can transfer in and then return later. I hate that I’m going to start the year with an unpaid credit card - but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Monday I enjoyed the boys’ Christmas show - Bobby sang the chipmunk’s song and Turn, Turn, Turn; Theo sang Madonna’s Holiday. 

Holiday...celebrate...

Speaking of celebrate, the orange menace has been impeached. We’ll still be stuck with him, I have no doubt - but YESSS. The BF and I dragged the kids out in the cold the night before to attend a rally and then get Chinese food. It’s their first moment of political engagement. I hope they remember it with pride.