A tentative return

It’s a new year, and like many of us, I’m barely peeking around the corner to see what’s in store for us all. Nobody knows. I watched, with great entertainment, the fight for the House Speaker vote (what a shit show), and am currently watching with terror as covid rips through newly opened China (will dangerous new variants emerge?), and am just in general very apprehensive about everything.

Shockingly, nobody got sick this winter break. We did make it to Florida for a big family reunion - visited my sister and brother-in-law, cousin and his wife and three kids, and sister’s dad and step mom for New Year’s, which was chaotic but fun. There were cookouts and beach days and bike rides (scary for me as I haven’t ridden a bike in decades, but I survived), and overall a lovely bit of summer to break up California’s cold rainy winter. 

Weighing heavily on my mind, no pun intended, is the need to start dieting as soon as I got home, which was the same situation I was in in 2020 at almost exactly the same weight and same level of disgust for myself. I don’t like admitting these things, and I know people get triggered by diet talk, but I think it’s important to be truthful. It dominates my thoughts - I could focus on barely anything else - and the fear and dread I face at yet another year spent starving myself to lose ten pounds only to gain it all back again by the end of the year, is exhausting. And yet I must lose weight, as I’m 50 now and the health implications get more intense at being only 10 lbs overweight as I currently am, and “just doing nothing” as in, eating basically what I want with minimal exercise leads to a 2-4 lb weight gain per month, which explains how I put on 10 lbs since my event. And now none of my clothes fit and I feel bad about myself and my food cravings are out of control. I’m always hungry and I just want to eat all the time. It’s a miserable cycle and I don’t know how to get off of it. How do I just “stay thin” for the rest of my life? I guess you don’t, unless you really train yourself to eat a lot less, all of the time, with no exceptions. I definitely know a few thin women my age, and they all have one thing in common - they just don’t really care about food. They eat half their portions at restaurants, rarely eat deserts, skip meals and don’t even realize they “forgot” to eat. All of these things are incomprehensible to me. But these are the habits that keep you thin. My “clean your plate” lifestyle results in my situation - slow, steady weight gain. I loathe food waste, so I eat things rather than throwing them out. Basically I throw them out in my stomach. Which is ridiculous. Again, the fact that I don’t eat meat, cook most of my food from scratch (a luxury few people have time for), and rarely drink anything other than water or unsweetened tea, are the reasons I’m ten pounds overweight and not thirty. But I definitely have other destructive habits. Too much sugar. Snacking. Late night eating. Too big portions. Not enough vegetables. Too many carbs. And yet I know how to lose weight. Anyone who tells you weight loss is anything other than basic math is lying to you. If I eat the equivalent of 1300 calories a day I will lose 1 lb a week. If I eat 2000 or more calories a day I will gain 1 lb a week. That’s it. It’s not any more complicated than that. 

So, what do I do about this? I figure just my usual calorie restriction - I’m going to return to the 5:2 which worked so well for me in 2020, but mix it up a little; I figure if I do two fast days at 500-800 calories and then adjust the remaining day calories from there, it’s all the same. I’ll start tomorrow. In the meantime I’m going to try something I’ve never done in my life - diet pills. I heavily researched and found one with no stimulants that seems fairly mild; just something that makes you feel more full (supposedly). It was expensive AF and I don’t know how the hell I’m going to down six capsules a day - I may have to open them and take them with water, which apparently is fine with a supplement like this that’s not an actual medication - but I’m curious to see if it makes dieting more tolerable. If I can just get past the occasional waves of misery that being hungry causes, it could be easier to diet for longer. My theory is, if I can just rewire my brain to not obsessively think about food the way my friends who “forget to eat” do, I can finally have some lasting success. If I can take something that tricks me into thinking I’m full, or at least takes the edge off that intense rabid hunger, it would make it easier to change my actual eating habits so that I don’t always turn to food when I’m bored, happy, sad, lonely, want to celebrate something, etc etc. I’ve gotten myself into an endless feedback loop of food, and I need to break it, but I know it’s all mental. I need to rewire those pathways the way I rewired myself away from intense depression and anxiety some years ago. I need to not make food the center of my life. I still want to cook and enjoy healthy things, I just need to eat a lot less than I’ve gotten used to. So, we’ll see if these diet pills actually help me feel more full or not. They could be a total con, but even if they are, the placebo effect could be quite powerful. I’ll take copious notes.

Tomorrow is the final day of winter break and I’m looking forward to shaking it off like an itchy prom dress. I’m extremely grateful that none of us got sick and that CA’s “winter surge” has been minimal, although with the situation in China I wouldn’t be surprised if we get hit hard in a few weeks. Our desert contractor is back and says he can start work for us in a week or two, which is beyond exciting - an outhouse is first on the list, which would be amazing to finally have. After this long wait it’s hard to envision ever having progress out there, but it may be soon.

We returned from FL on Friday to discover half the electricity in the house was out - including our thermostat, so we’ve all been freezing ever since. The H thought he could fix it, so we waited around until last night to discover he couldn’t, and now nobody can come out until tomorrow, so we’ll have three miserable freezing nights here before we get help (assuming the guy who comes out Monday can fix it that day). Unfortunately it appears rats in the attic have chewed all our wires, so this could end up being a big deal. I don’t even want to think about it. I just want the heat back on. I dread getting these kids up for school on Tuesday in a freezing house. But that may be what we’re facing.

Post-Christmas mehs

It’s strange to be in this vacation jelly mold where days drift into each other, punctuated only by desultory meals and emptying of the dishwasher, and yet still have this underlying river of terror that one or more of us will get sick and make our travel plans have to be canceled. The kids I’m not worried about - they haven’t left the house in days - but I’m holding my breath to see if I caught anything at the very crowded indoor gig I had Friday night, and of course the H is still working with the public all week with no masks. I don’t know why it seems like such an inevitability that we’ll get ill - plenty of people won’t, after all. I guess news of two of my holdout friends getting covid in the last few days is not helping. Just a countdown now, I guess. I have an outdoor dinner with book club gals tonight but that’s my last socializing before we leave Friday morning. 

Our Christmas weekend was good. I feel like after years of trying new things, we’ve gotten a bit of a system down now. I had my final gig Friday (what a relief), then Saturday we took my friend out for Christmas lights and Chinese dinner, then yesterday we opened presents, took naps, I made an elaborate dinner (which I found mostly repulsive if I’m honest), then spent time in the hot tub. The H, bless him, bought me all of the suggestions I’d sent him to choose from (I had meant for him to get me one of the things, ha ha). The kids loved everything they got, but of course are now just on their iPads while toys litter the floor. Today’s the big cleanup - my goal is to find homes for all this new stuff and take down the tree and all the decorations. When I’m done with Christmas I’m done with Christmas. 

I wish we were in the desert, but we’re not, so I’m just going to try to get out and touch grass little this week, keep everyone fed which is my only job at the moment, and do the last of my overeating while I still can. 

Two gigs left

So far, my voice has survived this week’s gauntlet of singing gigs. Today I finally get a much-needed break, then we have our last Knott’s appearance Thursday, then I have a final show in Irvine on Friday. Then I’m done until president’s day weekend in January. The Knott’s gigs, while being very professionally run and well attended with an appreciative audience, are a bit of a slog. It’s a long (hour plus) drive in rush hour traffic, plus a complex trip from car to gig location (multiple check points, long walk through very crowded park), and A LOT of waiting around. At this point we’ve all told all our stories and have taken to bringing work from home to fill the hour and 45 minute breaks between sets - most of the guys bring headphones and laptops; I bring magazines and knitting. While I’m grateful for the money, I’m very much looking forward to it being over. Two more days, and I don’t have to be afraid of talking during the day and losing my voice anymore. 

Last night the H revealed we would not be able to go to the desert after all - somehow he didn’t realize this would be not during a weekend. Sigh. Even though I told him multiple times it would not be during a weekend and would leave only one day between desert and Florida. It bugs me because really the only reason we can’t go is because as usual everyone is leaving their work for him to do - work that a new person should have been hired for months ago. It pisses me off. So now I have three more days alone at home with kids with no plans. I have half a mind to take us out there by myself - I would go out completely by myself if that was an option - but it’s still too unsafe out there to reasonably go alone. I don’t think I’d be able to haul a propane canister up the ladder to the upstairs area by myself, and I don’t trust my non-4WD car in the sand. It sucks that we’ll miss this entire month out there and most of next month, too. I miss it. I can’t wait until it’s set up enough that I can just go whenever I want. The neighbor contractor has said he wants to schedule us in for some work but as of right now I have no idea when that will be. It would be great to finally have a toilet the next time we go. 

I am, however, loving not having to get up in the morning, and vacations always highlight to me what a drag it is getting up early and hustling kids off to school. There was a FB thread about this recently, which made me feel better about how much I hate it. It explains why over the years my standards have dropped so much - when B was in kindergarten, I would eat breakfast with the kids and fully shower and dress and put on makeup before taking him to school; now I do nothing but pull on the same pair of jeans every day, put a coat on over my pyjama top, and then change back into pyjama pants and get back into bed as soon as I get back. Usually I go back to sleep for an hour or two, but not always. I tell myself I’m just taking on Princess Margaret’s daily schedule - lots of meals in bed, reading of the news, and otherwise lounging around. But of course I feel guilty about not doing more - I’ve become such a lump this month, I haven’t had any exercise in weeks, am of course overeating, and once again am gaining a pound a week as a result, so I’m back up to the weight I was in 2019 at this time of year before I started the 5:2 fast. I know I need to focus on losing weight again once I get back from Florida, but the idea of starving myself again gives me massive anxiety. I hate it so much. I hate just not being able to eat what I want, when I want. It’s hardly like I’m sitting here eating a gallon of ice cream every night. And yet just eating a normal amount of calories causes me to slowly gain weight. I wish there was a pill I could take that would allow me to eat normally and not gain weight. But the fact is unless I eat less than 1300 calories a day, I don’t lose weight. And this is true of everyone and every diet. At this age you can never feel full or satisfied and not gain weight, and I fucking hate it. I’m back to where I fit into maybe 10% of my clothes, my joints hurt, and I know I’m on a bad path. I just have to decide if I want to go back to doing the 5:2 which was very effective for me, or do my “simple diet” (less than 1300 calories a day, every day), or some other form of intermittent fasting (timed eating, skipping meals, etc). I have fantasies of getting really skinny again, getting back to weights I haven’t seen in ten years or more…but I just don’t know if that’s even possible at my age. If it’s possible it just doesn’t seem sustainable. I seem capable of losing six-eight pounds, but then I lose resolve and just start gaining again. I credit my otherwise healthy habits - vegetarianism, cooking most of my food, no alcohol - for the fact that I’m only ten pounds overweight and not thirty to fifty like most people I know. I’m just so sick of this endless cycle of gaining and losing. It’s all I think about. I was extremely lucky to have never had to think about my weight or food for most of my life - but the last ten years, especially the last five, it’s hit hard, as my metabolism has slowed to a crawl and the only way to not be chronically overweight is to eat almost nothing, which is torture. I don’t know what to do about it, I have very little motivation, and yet I know I have to do something. I just wish this weren’t an issue and I could just live my life.

So far, so good

Nobody’s sick! I’ve become so obsessed with this issue that at this point I’m just counting the days - here’s another day with nobody having any symptoms of anything. Hooray.

Both boys were able to be in their winter program, which was delightful. Every time a new thing returns that we had in the Before Times, I feel a combination of happy to have it again and bitter for the two years we missed that we can never get back. Theo’s end of kindergarten and all of 1st grade are a blur to me, as is Bobby’s end of 2nd grade and all of 3rd. I remember very little of those years, and I know my brain is doing this on purpose. Snapshots of our quarantine times for me are rocking on the porch swing in my pyjamas, walking up the hill to school for a hike listening to the Spooked podcast who’s opening song became a pandemic theme song of sorts, taking the kids to In N Out drive thru on Fridays to celebrate another week of homeschooling behind us, complaining about being bored. Ugh. So glad that’s over now. Despite numbers rising and sickness all over, this December is shockingly normal, with gigs and concerts and gatherings everywhere. We may have to slap on masks again soon - I’ve already started wearing one in crowded indoor situations - but things at least are staying open. 

The boys have one day of school left that will no doubt be just watching movies and having little parties. Then…they’re all mine for three weeks. I don’t mind admitting I’m panicked about what to do with them all this time, day in and day out. Next week especially is a puzzle because there’s really no time to get out and do things during the day - every night except Wednesday I’m at Knott’s, which means I have to leave here by 3:30, which means I have to start getting ready around 2:30. I hate to admit it but I think we’re just going to be sitting around at home in our PJs. I feel guilty about it, but if I’m going to survive this endless gauntlet of shows night after night with any kind of voice left, I’m going to have to take it easy. Then once Christmas Eve hits I’m off the hook. I’ve noticed this cold snap *may* end around Christmas so I’m sincerely hoping we can still head out to the cabin for a few days. As of now it’ll be high 60s in the day and low 50s at night by Christmas Eve; right now it’s low 50s and low 30s which is not tenable. Our contractor is back and says he can start scheduling us - he alerted me he walked over to our place, which I already saw on our security camera. It would be the perfect time to be out there. I hope it works out. 

My plan for next week is to survive all my gigs and wrap all the presents each day. I also promised a from-scratch gingerbread house which I may attempt on my one day off (Wednesday). I’m plotting a Thanksgiving-style Christmas dinner as well since I didn’t get to make one last month. Much of my candy making attempts have failed this year (hot tip - using raspberry extract to flavor chocolate candies doesn’t work so great), but so far I’ve been able to supply somewhat passable candies as gifts to 13 book club friends, a handful of other friends, my sister and brother-in-law, and soon to six band members. I just wish more people liked coconut - the only thing I consistently make well is coconut balls.

So here we go - transitioning away from end of year school time into full-on holiday time, and next up is a whole new year, in which I’ll have to get serious about planning my next event, plot out the boys’ birthday parties (for the first time ever they want their own now), pray to jebus whatever this grant review thing turns out to be goes my way (still no word), hope we get some real work done on our place so we can actually move things out there and get more comfortable, and gear up for suddenly lots of travel (Cancún in Feb and possibly summer, Scotland in April, Vegas with the H, Hawaii for spring break, and two east coast trips in June - one a family wedding and one possibly a mini tour for our band based around DC). 

2023, I’m here for it.

Sicky season

Everyone is sick with something this month, so it’s not surprising it finally caught up with us. Theo had been complaining of a sore throat for a day or two - by Wednesday as I was going to pick them up (caught in horrible traffic coming from visiting my 98-year-old friend who was, for the first time, non-responsive), Bobby was texting me that Theo’s in a lot of pain, he’s lying down, etc. I knew something was up. When I got him he was quiet and lethargic and hot, so I hustled us all to urgent care. No covid (I’d been testing him at home, too, since the appearance of the sore throat) but positive for the flu. The urgent care experience was not as bad as I’d feared - while it took a while before a doctor could see us, we were only in the waiting room for a short time, so at least got to be away in a private room for most of the wait. I kept Theo home Thursday and Friday. That night he was pretty out of it and his breathing was labored and wheezy (that part scared me a lot) but the doctor said his lungs were clear and everything sounded good, so he just needed rest and recovery. 

So I’ve been on sick watch - Theo’s worst fever was in the doctor’s office at 103, but since has never been over 101, and disappeared entirely by Friday. I think it’s safe to say the flu for Theo was fairly mild. Who’s next, is the big question? Sadly back in September I declined to get the boys their flu shots, since they had just had covid boosters and I felt guilty. So this sickness is on me. Bobby has a cough now so I’m afraid he’s next. I hate the thought of them missing their Christmas show on Tuesday - Theo can go, but Bobby of course won’t if he’s sick. But that’s the way the cookie crumbles I guess. Both adults got the flu shot so I’m just crossing my fingers that we don’t get it. My Knott’s Berry Farm residency starts tonight and I have eight gigs in the next two weeks that I really don’t want to have to miss. Sigh. Welcome to the sickest December ever - apparently between covid, flu, and RSV, pretty much everyone is sick right now. I figure it’ll be a miracle if the remaining three of us get through this month illness-free. Here’s hoping.

Doing the thing

First off, a huge phew for Warnock’s win last night! I watched the results come in with bated breath. Not that there were huge stakes this time, but still big enough to matter. We’ve gained a seat, which apparently hasn’t happened under these circumstances since 1934. Pretty amazing.

I have to say, I’m thoroughly enjoying this Christmas season. It’s messy and expensive and full of gluttony and resultant guilt, but I’ve learned to embrace those things. And also not over stress myself with doing too much. I think after having done Christmas with kids for ten years now, we’ve finally gotten a flow going. The H completely took over buying the kids’ presents because it stresses me out and he likes it, and so the presents are almost entirely bought now. I’ve started my candy making factory - I made English toffee and it came out perfect. I’m going to try to improvise some orange and raspberry candies based on a peppermint patty recipe; if I fail, I guess I’ll just throw them out and start over. I spent many, many hours going through our 500 wedding photos and putting together a beautiful leather bound wedding album that hopefully will be here before Christmas. Now I know what I’m saving if there’s a fire. 

The boys have been difficult to get out of bed in the morning and even more difficult to get to do their homework. I can’t imagine what it’s like trying to teach kids during December! I’m pretty sure next week is going to be just watching movies. We’re all counting down the days. Tonight is the sound check for Knott’s and then this weekend the endless gigging begins. I won’t be home in the evenings much starting Friday so I’m going to enjoy what few nights I have here. 

Christmas is upon us

We did manage to get nearly all of the Christmas stuff banged out over the weekend. Having the H home all weekend just to work on house stuff was…unprecedented, really. Neither of us could remember the last time that had happened. So along with the usual post-trip mountains of laundry, groceries, clean up and general re-orienting to being home, we assessed the exterior house lights and bought what we were missing, got a tree, lit the house and decorated the inside and tree, and I even managed to make us all peppermint cocoa from scratch for us to sip while watching The Jerk. It was a nice time.

Yesterday I tracked down our wedding photos for use in our Christmas cards, an ornament, and an elaborate wedding photo book that I’ll put together today or tomorrow (if I don’t do this now it’ll never happen). Next week starts the candy factory for gifts for friends and family; we ordered pretty much all of the kids’ stuff on Amazon last night, I ran to World Market for interesting candy and toys for stocking stuffers; everything is, shockingly, in order. 

I’m so glad we’re getting a jump on this stuff now because soon I’ll be in gig hell - our Knott’s Merry Farm residency starts with a sound check next Wednesday and then every weekend we play and just about every night that week before Christmas. Plus a few other gigs here and there and I won’t be home much in the evenings soon. It’s the very busy quiet before the storm, really.

Kids have two more weeks of school after this and we’re all counting the days. I don’t know why I am - I panicked slightly the other day when I realized that before our Florida visit we have two full weeks of kids not in school and me without the slightest clue what to do with them all day. I’d like to think I’ll be motivated to get us out and be active and do interesting things…but I gotta be honest, I know a large portion of those days will be spent with all of us in PJs, the boys on their iPads watching inane gamer videos and me in my bed watching murder documentaries. Such is modern life. I’m trying to squeeze in a quick trip to the cabin during that time - just so we can check in once this month, maybe get those final three poles set for hammocks - but it all depends on the H’s work. I would love something like that just to break up the monotony. But we may just be stuck here in the cold and gray.

Apparently the boys have some kind of Christmas pageant going at school, one I’m assuming parents can actually go to. They don’t seem to know what or when it is, but I’m going to guess the last day of school in the morning. I’m excited for this - it’s been three long years since the last one when Theo was in kindergarten. Bobby brought home an application to be a part of the yearbook team and was really jazzed about it - it’s the first time I’ve seen him excited about something at school. I hope he gets selected, and I hope it doesn’t end up not being what he thinks. I told him I was editor of my high school yearbook and it was a blast putting it together. 

I finally got it together to give away a large box of Christmas decorations I haven’t used since I was running a swing dance club in 2003 - lots of cheap garlands and decor plus ornaments we never use anymore because I’ve acquired so many others in the last few years (kids make lots of ornaments at school and I buy them on our travels). I put them on my Buy Nothing group and a single mom who’s picked up stuff from me before came and got them. Later she sent me a heartfelt message about how this was her first year being divorced and trying to decorate and how she doesn’t have any stuff, and how excited her kids were to decorate the tree. She even sent me a video of them putting everything up and saying thank you. Omg! I mean if that isn’t the spirit of Christmas, I don’t know what. The Buy Nothing group has been my best friend lately - I am very slowly purging things from this house, and it’s way easier to just donate stuff than try to sell it. I could just put things on the street, but I like the personal connection this method has. Lots more to go!