Two gigs left

So far, my voice has survived this week’s gauntlet of singing gigs. Today I finally get a much-needed break, then we have our last Knott’s appearance Thursday, then I have a final show in Irvine on Friday. Then I’m done until president’s day weekend in January. The Knott’s gigs, while being very professionally run and well attended with an appreciative audience, are a bit of a slog. It’s a long (hour plus) drive in rush hour traffic, plus a complex trip from car to gig location (multiple check points, long walk through very crowded park), and A LOT of waiting around. At this point we’ve all told all our stories and have taken to bringing work from home to fill the hour and 45 minute breaks between sets - most of the guys bring headphones and laptops; I bring magazines and knitting. While I’m grateful for the money, I’m very much looking forward to it being over. Two more days, and I don’t have to be afraid of talking during the day and losing my voice anymore. 

Last night the H revealed we would not be able to go to the desert after all - somehow he didn’t realize this would be not during a weekend. Sigh. Even though I told him multiple times it would not be during a weekend and would leave only one day between desert and Florida. It bugs me because really the only reason we can’t go is because as usual everyone is leaving their work for him to do - work that a new person should have been hired for months ago. It pisses me off. So now I have three more days alone at home with kids with no plans. I have half a mind to take us out there by myself - I would go out completely by myself if that was an option - but it’s still too unsafe out there to reasonably go alone. I don’t think I’d be able to haul a propane canister up the ladder to the upstairs area by myself, and I don’t trust my non-4WD car in the sand. It sucks that we’ll miss this entire month out there and most of next month, too. I miss it. I can’t wait until it’s set up enough that I can just go whenever I want. The neighbor contractor has said he wants to schedule us in for some work but as of right now I have no idea when that will be. It would be great to finally have a toilet the next time we go. 

I am, however, loving not having to get up in the morning, and vacations always highlight to me what a drag it is getting up early and hustling kids off to school. There was a FB thread about this recently, which made me feel better about how much I hate it. It explains why over the years my standards have dropped so much - when B was in kindergarten, I would eat breakfast with the kids and fully shower and dress and put on makeup before taking him to school; now I do nothing but pull on the same pair of jeans every day, put a coat on over my pyjama top, and then change back into pyjama pants and get back into bed as soon as I get back. Usually I go back to sleep for an hour or two, but not always. I tell myself I’m just taking on Princess Margaret’s daily schedule - lots of meals in bed, reading of the news, and otherwise lounging around. But of course I feel guilty about not doing more - I’ve become such a lump this month, I haven’t had any exercise in weeks, am of course overeating, and once again am gaining a pound a week as a result, so I’m back up to the weight I was in 2019 at this time of year before I started the 5:2 fast. I know I need to focus on losing weight again once I get back from Florida, but the idea of starving myself again gives me massive anxiety. I hate it so much. I hate just not being able to eat what I want, when I want. It’s hardly like I’m sitting here eating a gallon of ice cream every night. And yet just eating a normal amount of calories causes me to slowly gain weight. I wish there was a pill I could take that would allow me to eat normally and not gain weight. But the fact is unless I eat less than 1300 calories a day, I don’t lose weight. And this is true of everyone and every diet. At this age you can never feel full or satisfied and not gain weight, and I fucking hate it. I’m back to where I fit into maybe 10% of my clothes, my joints hurt, and I know I’m on a bad path. I just have to decide if I want to go back to doing the 5:2 which was very effective for me, or do my “simple diet” (less than 1300 calories a day, every day), or some other form of intermittent fasting (timed eating, skipping meals, etc). I have fantasies of getting really skinny again, getting back to weights I haven’t seen in ten years or more…but I just don’t know if that’s even possible at my age. If it’s possible it just doesn’t seem sustainable. I seem capable of losing six-eight pounds, but then I lose resolve and just start gaining again. I credit my otherwise healthy habits - vegetarianism, cooking most of my food, no alcohol - for the fact that I’m only ten pounds overweight and not thirty to fifty like most people I know. I’m just so sick of this endless cycle of gaining and losing. It’s all I think about. I was extremely lucky to have never had to think about my weight or food for most of my life - but the last ten years, especially the last five, it’s hit hard, as my metabolism has slowed to a crawl and the only way to not be chronically overweight is to eat almost nothing, which is torture. I don’t know what to do about it, I have very little motivation, and yet I know I have to do something. I just wish this weren’t an issue and I could just live my life.