Thanksgiving trip

We returned home from our Thanksgiving trip a day early. Nothing went wrong; I just had run out of things for us to do, and it occurred to me we really all needed a recovery day to do Christmas stuff and prepare for the week ahead. The trip was interesting - I definitely learned something, which is I am not a mountains person. The three trips we’ve done to cold, mountainous places - Lake Arrowhead, Yosemite, and now Mammoth Lakes - have been my least favorite. Now many of you will say, duh, unless there’s snow and you’re skiing, no shit. And this is very true. With no snow, no intention of spending thousands on skiing for all of us, and many places closed for the season or not yet open for the season, it was a bit of a bust. But the first part of the trip was spectacular, so I give myself credit for that. The first part was the desert part. Of course. 

We stayed in this wacky place called the Amargosa Opera House hotel, which was a place we had driven by on last year’s Death Valley trip and remarked upon. I didn’t know how it would go over - I know some people are skeeved out by run down motels, and this certainly was that - but thankfully the F was delighted by it and the kids were oblivious to the chipping paint and collapsing walls. We did a tour of the actual opera house on the property and met some fellow desert travelers. The only down side was the acquisition of food, as I’d anticipated - there is nothing, and I mean nothing, around there for miles, which lead us on a couple of desperate late night forages for food which did, and could have, ended badly at times. Our first night we waited over three hours at a shitty casino cafe for mediocre food, had to have a long talk with the manager, it was a mess; our final night we went to several places that Yelp said were open but were in fact closed, finally stumbling on a tiny bar and steak place minutes before they closed (I’ve never in my life felt so much like Joseph and Mary searching for an inn). Ah, covid travel. Nothing is as Yelp would have you believe. 

However, our desert activities were great. We spent a long day at the China Ranch Date Farm which had endless fascinating trails to explore followed by date shakes, and found a lovely roadside hot spring in Tecopa which ironically ended up being the best hot spring of the week which was meant to be all about the northern hot springs. Then the next day we hit up Death Valley for some of the adventures we couldn’t take the RV on last time - Keane Wonder Mine, the Natural Bridge, and a couple we had just missed - Zabriskie Point, Devil’s Golf Course. I love Death Valley. We have so much else to do there! Can’t wait to return some day and explore the Panamint side. 

On Wednesday we made the long trek up to Mammoth Lakes to a kitschy cabin with a kitchen and good wifi. Our first day was great - we went to Bodie, a massive ghost town I’ve always wanted to see. I thought we could hit up two of the hot springs nearby, but soon realized a pattern with these eastern Sierra hot springs I had intended to spend all week hopping in and out of - they are all tiny, and invariably already occupied by people with full tent/kitchen/furniture setups who have no intention of letting your family of four jump in. So there were lots of long drives on bumpy roads only to discover yet another hot spring the size of a bathtub with six people partying in it. Somehow in all my research the actual size of these things never came up. So we had a nice Thanksgiving day at the ghost town, had a mostly microwaved Thanksgiving dinner (I’m coming to realize I really loathe Thanksgiving food and just can’t eat it), watched Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, and then I scrambled to find more things for us to do as I realized spending two more days in hot springs was probably not going to happen. We had a desultory trip to Mono Lake, then went to the only spring that was large enough for families, Wild Willy’s. To be fair, I enjoyed it, but it paled in comparison to Tecopa. It was only a few inches deep so you could never submerge yourself, and, of course, it was packed with people. We had a hilarious mad dash to change back into our clothes as the sun was setting and the cold rushed in, resulting in boys in my scarves and their tiny bathrobes and snow gloves half hanging off. I knew this would be the most problematic part of my plan - getting kids out of wet swim suits in public in the cold - and I was right. I made the executive decision to leave the next morning instead of Sunday. I was over it, and realized a full week was probably just too damned long anyway. 

There were two underlying stressors on our trip - one was the F’s car, which is always a risk on these trips. The first morning up in Mammoth he thought it sounded funny so we wasted hours while he tried to figure out what was going on with it and ended up pouring several containers of boiling water on the engine before we could head out anywhere. To be fair the car had been making strange noises and had a horrible burning smell for much of the trip, so I was constantly full of anxiety that we would be stranded somewhere - again, the entire trip consisted of being out of cell range on unattended dirt roads, so the possibility of real disaster always hung over our heads. I so wish he could afford a solid reliable car. He also had some very dark moments around his work stress that he just couldn’t leave behind. Then on Friday as the news came out about the new coronavirus mutation, it put a serious pall over everything - everyone was freaking out about it, and I started to imagine a third year with no event, possibly having to cancel the wedding and lose the tens of thousands I’ve already put down in deposits (these companies do not care if you have to cancel due to coronavirus - they’ve lost enough in the last two years and don’t give a shit anymore), how much money do I have, could we make it? But more importantly, will humanity make it? What if this thing really does wipe out a third of the population as some people have predicted? What if this is just life from now on? Suffice it to say, these thoughts took us down some very scary roads. Not how I wanted to end my trip.

BUT, we’re safe at home now, and life goes on - today we do Christmas stuff, kids are back to school tomorrow, and my plate is full with Christmas preparations that all have to be done next week, not to mention the four gig nights in a row starting on Thursday, preparing for Hawaii (although the F thinks there’s a chance our trip will get canceled because of the new variant). There’s a chance this variant won’t amount to much - that yes, it’s scary and transmissible, but that the vaccines still provide at least some protection, and it is not more deadly. We just won’t know until at least a couple of weeks. My fear, beyond the obvious end of humanity as we know it, is the closure of schools and cancellation of my event and wedding, and of course the F’s inability to make a living, again, as both our jobs require people being able to socialize. I don’t predict any of these things happening, however. But I did have a very dark moment in the car coming home in which I thought about how everything went to shit when Trump was elected in 2016 and how life has just been one nightmarish apocalyptic scenario after another since, with worse things on the horizon, and how utterly exhausted and terrified I am, and how I just don’t know how I’m going to emotionally handle years more of pandemic uncertainty, the loss of Democrats in power, and loss of democracy in general. 

Anyway, ummm…Merry Christmas!

Aaaand break!

I’m sure I can speak for people in the education sector everywhere when I say - whew! Bring on the break! Not that I’m in the education sector, but after going to both boys’ zoom parent-teacher conferences yesterday, I can tell they are going through it. We all deserve a breather.

Speaking of which, both conferences went great. I didn’t know what to expect for Bobby’s - some of the grades he’s been getting seem not great, but being as they’re not on a lettered grade system or a numbered grade system that resembles anything I grew up with, I pretty much don’t know what the hell I’m looking at when I check grades on Schoology - but his teacher said he’s doing great. Both kids were said to work well with partners and fit in well with all different types of kids. Bobby’s teacher encouraged him to take a speaking part in their upcoming play, which is great and a surprise considering how much he’s not liked performing in the past. I hope he can overcome this at some point, but I know performing in front of people is not everyone’s jam. Theo loves math and is really good at it. I’m hoping this means he has a good future in the sciences or engineering of some kind. All these years of Minecraft can’t be for nothing!

We are supposed to leave for Death Valley day after tomorrow. I say supposed to because there is still a chance we’ll have to cancel everything at the last second, which is causing me mass anxiety. I don’t really think the F would do that to us - nothing is so g-d important that it can’t wait until after the holiday - but he’s still stressing out and also has absolutely no money. All of this unfortunately means that most likely for the entire month of December until our Hawaii trip I probably won’t hardly see him at all and will be on 100% child care duties. Trying to steel myself for that now. I can’t wait until his job stops being so intrusive on our lives. It was once again on the verge of this until the motherboard of his printing press crashed two weeks ago and every second of every day has been sucked into his frantically trying to fix it while orders pile up and bills (his, of course) go unpaid. Welp, this is life in a relationship - their concerns become your concerns. It’s part of the package. Most likely we will get to go on our trip, so I’m just going to hang my hat on that and be grateful, and hope it can get him to unplug for a few days. He desperately needs it. 

In other news, I have photographed the last of my items for my Etsy store (I’ll list them when I get back and can actually mail them), which means I have finally been able to convert my dining room back into a dining room and not a photo studio and second closet. I intentionally put everything there so it would annoy me so much I’d be forced to finish the store, and it worked. Now I can just watch the money roll in (or not). My next project is converting my old computer over to my new computer (a process I have put off for an entire year), holiday stuff, wedding stuff, and, come January, tons of tax stuff.

In the middle of all this, hopefully, our cabin will wrap up and we can devote some time to furnishing it and getting it set up for our occasional visits. The contractor tells me they plan to finish the roof by Tuesday and then start on windows and doors. I haven’t seen pictures since Sunday - and he has hit me up for more money - so there’s a part of me that’s still skeptical. Is anything even happening out there…? But the neighbor texted me to say the  crew is, in fact, back out there, so something is actually happening. There’s still so much work left to go, though, that I think we’re realistically looking at January before we could even make it out there. 

First shot

I took the kids for their first shot yesterday. They were brave boys and didn’t make much of a fuss about it - I more struggled with their wrestling and rough housing and touching everything in the pharmacy while we were waiting. They didn’t have many thoughts about getting the shot in general; I asked Bobby if he thought he’d feel safer, and he said no. But they both wanted to get it because their friends were getting theirs. Peer pressure has begun. At least in this instance it’s for the good. 

The F has had a rough couple of weeks. He had a surgery that left him somewhat debilitated for a few days, then the motherboard of his printing press went down, so it’s been a mad scramble to try to fix it while orders pile up, while also trying to get a deal on a new press, all while we’re having global shut downs and supply chain issues. I’m not 100% up on exactly what’s happening, all I know is he’s the most stressed I’ve ever seen him, there’s a chance he’ll be out of work for weeks or months while this issue gets resolved, and there’s a chance we’ll have to cancel our entire Thanksgiving trip, which has me completely gutted. Today he goes to check to see if the latest repair takes; by late afternoon we should know if he can skate by for a few weeks or if he’s really screwed. 

On my end, things are looking up - I’m down to the last bunch of items to be uploaded to my Etsy store before I'm officially done; the grant money I’ve been waiting months for was finally deposited, now I have two more I should have approval on in the next two weeks; I talked to a wedding planner that didn’t stress me out like the first person did and hired her, so now I have some guidance going forward - my time with her starts on Dec 4 (six months out); the kids got their first shot, and, most importantly, after a two month hiatus, work resumed on the cabin yesterday!! 

We’re still miles away from it being done or usable - we still need a roof, door, windows, patio, and entire separate structure for bathroom and shower. But at least for the moment I can say he’s trying to finish and didn’t just disappear with my money. So, very very grateful for that. Will we have this thing for the end of the year? I don’t know, but I’ve started ordering macrame wall hangings and hammock chairs just in case!

Here’s the boys enjoying post-shot frozen yogurt. 

No!vember

Two weeks until Thanksgiving break. We’re all itching to hit the road. This will be an easy go compared to our usual epic road trip - we’re staying in hotels, a first, and only two of them. Unlike last year, we’re not adapting to a rented RV, nor relying on campsites that you can’t reserve in advance. And most importantly, this year I won’t be in constant agonizing pain due to my frozen shoulder. When I think about how utterly debilitated I was this time last year - I had pretty much given up trying to use my left arm at all, and had multiple episodes of intense pain per day plus dull throbbing pain all of the time anyway - oh, it was just hell. There are so many things that are better this year. In fact, fuck it - everyone else is doing gratitude stuff for November, I might as well join in right now. Here are things that are better this year than last year:

Trump is gone!!! I mean, not really, but at least for now he’s not in the White House. I live in constant terror of what’s going to happen in ‘22 when we no doubt lose the house and senate and in ‘24 when we probably lose the White House because of voter suppression and propaganda, but I’m determined to enjoy every minute of this brief moment of having sane Democrats in control.

Coronavirus is on the retreat - kinda. Lately the news hasn’t been so great with regards to what we’re facing this winter; after weeks of “we’re going to have this thing beat by January and no winter surge!” now all of a sudden parts of Europe are seeing their worst surges yet, with the US possibly to follow, in particular the western states. Still, though, way different from last year when we were all helplessly facing this giant wave heading right at us with no tools to fight it. At least now the F and I are vaccinated, and the kids will be fully protected in just five weeks. There’s a good chance coronavirus will be largely under control some time next year. 

Kids in school! I rarely think about the long months of home schooling now; I just want to put it behind me. But every once in a while I think about it and am just so happy the kids are back in school and having a somewhat normal childhood again. They really thrive there, and I delight in my quiet time at home alone. It keeps me sane.

I’m engaged! No more wondering when it’ll happen or if we’ll ever get married (it could have gone either way). The moment happened and we have a wedding planned and it’s happening. And then it’ll be over and we can just be a married couple until one of us dies. I never thought I would get married, so I’m glad to get to have that experience in common with so many other people in the world. I’m interested to see what it’s going to be like.

We’ve found a family passion which is doing outdoorsy stuff, in particular desert stuff. I’m glad this is something we can all share - in a time when monoculture is long gone (we all sort of do/watch/listen to our own things these days), it’s great to have one thing that still bonds us together. While building the cabin continues to be fraught, it will be done eventually, and then we can move on to really enjoy our lives out there. I’m excited for this.

Things are coming back. Our band is playing, we’re going to concerts, we’re starting to get on planes and travel. Last night I went to a dinner and then comedy show, and it was great. I can run errands and go to stores and movies. Life is really about 80% normal. 

The government has helped me survive two years of shutdowns. I am profoundly grateful for all the loans and grants. 

Everyone continues to be healthy. Yay for that. 

In other news, we finally saw the donor siblings yesterday at a climbing gym. Like our kids, the girls had gotten taller and thinner in the last two years. The donor was I believe 6’1” and 140 lbs, so tall and skinny is in all of their genes. I can’t say any of them really resemble each other; but then again Bobby and Theo look nothing like each other, either. Genes are weird. 

Here are some pomegranate seeds from our hyperactive tree. I’m down to the last few I can seed, the rest have been ravaged by squirrels. It’s been a good run, though.

Shots! Shots! Shots!

The announcement came yesterday that kids’ vaccines are all but greenlit at this point - I believe there’s some more signing off to do, but in a rush, suddenly appointments became available for kids. I didn’t think doses would be available until next week, so I booked two through Walgreen’s for next Friday, just three days short of the cut off to travel to Hawaii in December. So unless things change or go wrong between now and Dec 3rd, their second shot, we should be able to get on that plane without any testing requirements or issues. It’s a huge relief. I was not looking forward to white knuckling those test results just a day or two before our flight.

This is a huge step forward to the end. I imagine school procedures will stay the same - still masks, still downloading daily pass and having to walk the kids to the gate with my phone - but this is the path towards being truly free of this thing. And there’s less worry about being a family in a dangerous social situation or bringing covid home to unvaccinated kids. It’s a big deal.

We applied for the F’s passport yesterday. Even the postal worker couldn’t believe he’d never had a passport before. I’m so excited for what this means for our future. At some point next year after the backlog is handled I’ll get the kids theirs, too. I can’t wait to have little world travelers!

Our issue with the venue we had to drop out of actually went better than I’d anticipated - while they still held to their policy of not checking vaccine status, it was clear that the person we deal with most was not in agreement with this policy and wants to continue to have a relationship with us after this is all over. So thankfully no bridges burned, and we’re putting on a small invite only event instead that will at least get our musicians paid. Personally I’d rather go to the desert next weekend, but there you have it. Duty calls. 

We have lots - and I mean lots - of gigs in December. I’m working every weekend, and the first weekend every night. We’re even working New Year’s Eve, which is a first in several years since my bandleader started getting hired at an event in NC with another singer (harrumph). All of this impinges on my ability to be in my shack in silence in the desert which is all I really care about. Even though I have no reason to think we will one day have a completed cabin - my contractor is still delaying week by week; right now he’s promising to be done by Thanksgiving, but who knows - I’ve found myself planning for it and thinking about it a lot lately. I hope it’s all I’m picturing. My worst fear is starting to use the place and coming to the unpleasant realization that I just don’t like being out there. However, I think that’s unlikely. Every time I go to the desert I feel instantly relaxed and comfortable - I love the crazy hot winds and endless vistas and ringing silence. It will only get better when the day comes when we can afford ATV’s to scoot around on. I can just picture my dusty tanned desert rat teenaged sons having a blast exploring out there. It’s really going to dramatically change our lives when we have this new place to be every few weeks, our second home. I’m very much looking forward to it; it’s so close I can taste it. 

Dia de Los anti-vaxxers

I woke up today to two angry reacts on a FB post our band made about our vaxx only New Year’s Eve gig, one from this bitch who earlier this year was on my event page encouraging people to sue me over my vaccine requirement, one from some guy who’s FB page is nothing but American flags. They were both blocked, but I’m still buzzing with rage about it. This comes from a weekend of discussion/controversy/debate about whether or not we should cancel a gig we accepted on the premise that the venue would be vaxx only, only now to be told they have no intention of actually checking. We are pulling out of the gig, which is burning a pretty big bridge (these are the people who taught me to lindy hop twenty five years ago), and probably throwing our own event the same night. It’s an ugly time. And quite frankly, I’m exhausted. The idea of having to face all this shit again in a few months when I have to start making plans for my next event fills me with dread. 

Right now, numbers are ticking back up in California. It upsets me on many levels - the main one being that anti-vaxxers use this as an excuse to not bother getting vaccinated. But it also bolsters my plan to continue requiring vaccines for my event, and continue to ban problematic people. But this also sets me up for another spring of hell dealing with these people. Would I rather just let them all in, though? No. So, here we are. In a country full of rage and hatred and death threats. Fun. 

In other news, our first trick or treat back was good. Sadly, I didn’t get any pictures. The reason is, because of Theo’s blow up costume, we had to assemble it when we got out of the car, and it was pitch black and pictures were pretty much impossible. Bobby went as a Dementor, and in his all black costume, I couldn’t get any decent pictures, either. Oh well. The difference this year from 2019 was less participating houses - also, we went too late so many of the houses were done. A note for next year. But everyone had fun - Halloween is so much less stressful with bigger kids! Theo got tons of attention in his costume and Bobby was mildly annoyed - I told him it’s nice to let other people have the spotlight from time to time. I don’t think he internalized this at all, but at least I tried.

Their personalities are really developing now - and I try not to comment on it, because a parent’s verbalized opinion of you becomes your inner voice; I always tell these kids it’s never too late to reinvent yourself. But Bobby is soooo me - shy, easily grossed out, introverted, obsessive, sardonic, sensitive, smart. Theo is so different - friendly, outgoing, physical, a natural performer. I wonder if siblings play off of each other that way, filling in the gaps left. But I love that, as much as Theo is so much under his brother’s thumb, he is still asserting his individuality. I consider my feelings for them often and can honestly say I love them equally - they’re both so unique and so lovable. I can’t begin to imagine what they’ll be like as grown men; it’s still such a mystery. I feel like they’re books I wish I could sneak a peek at the last chapter of and then go back to where we are now. 

As of Halloween eve

Yesterday was not as exhausting as I’d anticipated. We went to a birthday party in a park, which was a nice return to normalcy, then Theo and the F went to another party while Bobby and I stayed home because it was too late to drive to El Segundo for their festival. Then we went to their school’s Halloween Creep Thru (short spooky drive thru in the tiny staff parking lot), then they got dinner while I returned alone to help clean up. I always volunteer for clean up because nobody wants to do that - they want the fun part; the set up, the performing. Sure enough, other than two guys tasked with taking down the major set pieces, it was only me and one other woman plus the two main PTA people actually putting everything away. Everyone was exhausted from having been there for twelve hours, and I got a lot of appreciation which felt good. I don’t know how these full time PTA types do it - they all deserve a medal. 

Funnily enough, after filling out and sending in my application for middle school and mentioning to a school mom friend how I was strategizing it, I discovered I had done everything wrong and had in fact been wrong about the whole process for years. Ha. As would make more sense, you don’t actually apply for middle school every year. You apply the year before you go. Duh. But what you’re supposed to do is apply for elementary school magnet programs you know you can’t possibly get into so you can be waitlisted and rack up points. You won’t even be considered for most good middle school magnets if you don’t have points in your pocket. So you basically have to figure out which these coveted elementary schools are and apply year after year - if you’re wrong and you get accepted and decline, you lose points. Huh. So in a roundabout way my application may actually help me - I accidentally applied for Eagle Rock Elementary, but most likely we won’t get in and I’ll get those points. So…yay? In the Eagle Rock Jr/Sr High zoom, I learned a lot. Most importantly, I learned that while their magnet program is highly coveted, their regular school is excellent, too, and still part of the International Baccalaureate program. So as much as my kid, who is white, stands a good chance of not making it into the magnet, I can still easily get a permit to be allowed into the regular school population and get all the benefits of attending there. This was at the end of a two hour zoom. I was like, why didn’t you just tell me that in the first place? Fuck the magnet program! But at least now I’ll have a plan. B will stay on at this elementary through 6th grade, and that year I’ll apply to the magnet, and if he doesn’t make it (most likely), I’ll go the permit route. And if for whatever reason that fails, he can start at one of two or three other middle schools for 7th grade. And I can keep trying to get him into that school for high school, which is also a possibility. So at least there’s a plan of action now. Funny how no one ever in all these years just simply told me you apply to impossible to get into elementary schools every year in order to rack up points for the one chance you get to apply to middle school. That would have made everything make way more sense and I would have started applying in 2nd grade like I was supposed to. Ugh. 

In other news, kids may be able to get their shots as soon as end of this week or the week after! So excited. Everyone is buzzing about it, but I know vaccination rates for little kids are going to be very low. Well, we’ll be part of it. Sign me up.

After several attempts, I finally spoke to the wedding planner, and everything that came out of that conversation was terrible and disappointing. First, she told me to expect to at least double my wedding budget. Gulp. Then she poo-pooed our idea of a taco truck - referred to them as “fuck you tacos”, as in, we get all these people to drive out to the desert and dress up and then serve them two tacos on a paper plate, fuck you - and then said the catering company we were thinking of will charge us double what was quoted and probably will show up hours late if they show up at all. And didn’t offer any alternatives or other ideas. Then said she had sixteen weddings in the next two weeks so she wouldn’t be available to talk until then, but I really need to mail down a caterer right away, also hair and makeup (ugh). Then said she’d send me a list of the expenses I can expect at this particular venue which she’s worked several times so I could see all the unexpected costs - she never sent it. Now, I can call other wedding planners, and probably will. But the whole conversation was a huge shock, and I’ve been paralyzed ever since. I told the F about it and he said we need to cancel that venue, lose our $10,000 deposit, and start over. I said absolutely not. Like most men, he has zero concept of what things actually cost and how the world actually works. Such as, you don’t get to dictate the terms of a contract when you hire a catering company - they do what they want and you pay or end up in court. He thinks we can get an iron clad contract with the caterer in which we won’t pay one penny more than they quote us. I said it doesn’t work like that. They’ll build in a million caveats in which they can charge more on the day of if they see fit. We came to a stalemate on it. Nothing has happened all week. But recognizing this is now going to cost life changing more money than I’ve anticipated, I sat down and re-wrote an entire new budget for the next thirty years, which no longer includes paying off the house early (sigh), but does include a college fund for the kids, which was the whole purpose of paying off the house anyway. So seeing that made me feel better about everything. Yes, in principle I hate spending a ton of money on a wedding; it’s stupid and wasteful. But we’re committed to this venue, and this venue comes with costs. And the reality is weddings are expensive unless you go tiny, and even if we did cancel and move to somewhere cheap and local and boring, we probably wouldn’t save that much anyway. So, fuck it.

In other “men don’t understand how things work” news, my desert contractor was supposed to start last week, said he’d start next week. Then last night he texted me he’s still closing out his dad’s home (I guess the dad is the one who died of covid) and he needs more time. He still says he’ll finish the place by Thanksgiving. But…all these delays. The F is convinced he’s a complete con artist who is never going to do the job and just robbed us with the full intention of never doing the job. I highly doubt this. I think his life is a mess and he can’t get his shit together. And what do you say to someone who’s dad died of covid?? Unless it’s all an elaborate lie, but honestly, if he really only intended to rob us he would have disappeared ages ago. I still have faith he’ll finish up, I just think it’s going to take fucking forever. And, again, every single weekend for the entire rest of the year is full of stuff to do so we couldn’t go out there before January anyway. It’s telling the F, who’s full of rage about this and convinced we’ve been conned, that’s the hard part. I absolutely hate those conversations. He just doesn’t get it because he’s never hired a contractor for anything ever. Everyone else I tell this story to says “sounds about right”. Sigh. 

Here’s a picture of Theo his teacher sent me from the school’s no-parents Halloween parade.