Camping pod

Our Malibu Creek camping trip was the shiz. We ended up inviting the family we camped with last time - officially our “camping pod” - so the kids had friends to play with, and we had a lovely hike to the (supposedly closed) Rock Pool which we then got to swim in. I know this doesn’t sound that exciting, but considering how rare it is in California to find a “swimmin’ hole”, I was entranced. 

This is indeed a strange time. So many parents with nothing to do except focus on their families. It makes me sad when I think how much life *should* be like this. Just caring for your family and creating memories, to the exclusion of most everything else. Of course in the long run I don’t know how satisfying living like this all of the time would really be - I definitely am missing my dead-and-buried singing career and of course my event, although that one less so as it’s still kind of “on” with lots to do for the virtual event. 

I’ve become obsessed with getting a 1930s or 40s teardrop trailer, and late last night mapped out the perfect trip to Zion National Park utilizing various earth homes/trailers/sheep farm spaces to stay in. I don’t know when we’d be able to do something like that - the season ends in September for most of these places. But if the BF is still not working and school can be done at our own pace...? Maybe! If not, next year! 

All any parents can talk about is what’s going to happen with school next month. I’m glad I’m not the only one obsessed with this. I am seriously leaning towards no school even if it’s offered. But I just don’t know yet. So much can happen in the next five weeks. My prediction? Nothing good. 

We leave for my birthday trip on Monday - unless of course stay-at-home orders are brought back. These days nothing can be counted on - you have to know that any plans can be crushed at any time. I’m so used to endless little losses I don’t even really care anymore; so my birthday trip gets canceled, so what. Add it to the list of disappointments. I’m definitely not the first. 

Happy 4th...?

As my Facebook feed has been curated to pretty much nothing but the ultra-woke, nobody appears to be celebrating today. One, we couldn’t celebrate if we wanted to; two, there’s not much to celebrate right now, and three - surprise, white people, guess what? This country has sucked for everyone except you for hundreds of years. So I’ll use my favorite California phrase here - “yeah, no”.

Tomorrow we leave for Malibu creek for camping until Weds. This will be the first time we’ve camped without another family with kids, so I’m a bit nervous we’ll be bored. It’s a beautiful spot with a beach nearby, though, and beaches will be open as of Monday. So hopefully we can occupy ourselves with that during the day. 

I’m nervous about my online event. I’m having a hard time getting pro-level competitors to sign up for contests - they are used to wandering in the day of and registering. So all of my pro level contests are in danger of being canceled, because the cut off has to be a month and a half out. I will continue to hustle and contact people directly, but it’s stressful. And of course everything is taking too long, people are not responding to emails, and time is running out. I still haven’t heard from 150 people who paid for the event even though I’ve now emailed multiple times. I have not been able to nail down a schedule that makes sense. Turns out it’s really, really hard to do something you’ve never done before...especially when no one else has done it before, either, and especially when you’re in the middle of a pandemic and everyone is scared, depressed, and lethargic. This is why I’m not charging for the event - I have no idea what the end product is going to look like. But right now it’s stressing me out.

The BF has ramped up his job search. I’m trying not to panic because he hasn’t even gone on an interview yet - but he made a comment this morning that if he does get one of these daytime printing jobs he’ll then go work at his other job on nights and all weekend. What? That’s not at all what we discussed. No, I am not going to be left in charge of homeschooling two young kids in two different grades alone all day, just to be stuck alone with them all night and all weekend while he lives here like it’s a fucking hotel. That is not happening. But no reason to lose my shit yet. As mentioned, he hasn’t even interviewed yet, and his other job can’t come back until the economy comes back and bars and nightclubs open to full capacity, which can’t happen until life is pretty much normal, which means kids will be in school (I’m assuming). But the fact that he even said that irritates the fuck out of me. I think there are going to be a lot of couples in our situation who for some months had a very present, helpful partner, only to see that person completely disappear and fall back into old habits the minute their job came back. Yeah, I’m not letting that happen quietly around here. He’s going to have to do what women are forced to do every day - sacrifice career opportunities for the sake of work-life balance. Welcome to our world. 

Covidlandia

We’re still in a bit of June gloom here. Mornings are overcast and cold, making me think about the long fall and winter ahead of us, and wonder what they will be like. Since before I had kids, I have not been in such a state of uncertainty before. I literally have no idea what the world is going to look like in six months. Other than my hair being six inches longer - I’m just going to go for it and be hippie middle aged woman with braids, fuck it - I’m at a loss.

Out of nowhere we got supply lists for each of the kids’ grades - including individual PE kits (balls, frisbee, etc) for Bobby’s grade - from the school. I’m hesitant to run out and buy any of it, though. I’m still skeptical there will be any in-person school this year, or even if they offer it, I’m not 100% I would even send the kids. If it were just Bobby it would be a no-brainer...but Theo is a lot harder to settle down for lessons at home. Sigh. A lot can happen in the next six weeks. We’ll see. 

LA has toggled back its re-opening, including closing beaches for the upcoming 4th of July weekend. We leave for another camping trip the following day, through Wednesday. For 4th of July we’ll just be at home, like everyone else. We’ll have a pretty spectacular show from our porch. It’s got to beat last year’s fiasco in which it took several hours to retrieve my purse from the bag check at the Rose Bowl, with two tired and miserable children and everyone losing their shit and threatening to sue. Yeah, things were better before COVID...but they also still sucked sometimes, too.

For now I’m working a little bit every day on my virtual event, refunding people, and trying to stay on top of things. The BF has spoken with a recruiter about potential jobs - which fills me with mixed feelings. His pandemic unemployment supplement runs out this month meaning hard times ahead...but if he gets a job, it means worse times for me, especially if he’s not around to help with the home schooling. It’s complicated. Right now I have a lot of freedom to go off on my own during the day, which keeps me sane - this will end when he goes back to work. For now I’m keeping my expectations low and just hoping we get this weekend’s camping trip and my birthday trip on the books - one or both could be cancelled by new restrictions at any time - and then when August hits, expect a lifestyle change. School will start in some form, I’ll have to really hustle to make sure everything falls into place with my online event, and something will have to give with regards to the BF’s work situation. 

Then we just sit, and wait. Wait for news on COVID numbers, wait for the election. It’s like being perpetually nine months pregnant. You’re uncomfortable and full of trepidation, you want your current situation to be over, and you’re so sick of it all that you just want to be able to think about something else for five minutes. And yet what you’re going to have to go through to get to the other side also fills you with terror. Yep. Welcome to Covidlandia.

Plans - at last

I finally narrowed down and booked a plan for my birthday trip in mid-July that was supposed to be Kauai. After weeks of trying to make an RV trip to Northern Cal work (kids can’t ride safely in it, all stops along the way are closed or booked solid), I remembered a website for unique camping experiences called Hipcamp I used once years ago and was able to find three spots for us. We’ll start with two nights in a yurt near Monterey, then two nights in a tipi near Paso Robles, then the final night, my birthday, in an abandoned water tank in the Cuyama badlands.

I can’t think of a more appropriate place to turn 48 in this shittiest of all years than this:

Again, thanks to my long-suffering boyfriend for continually indulging my hippie bullshit. And the kids for going along with it, too, and not complaining *too* much. I’m hoping two nights in a crazy Futuro home in Joshua Tree before they start school will make up for whatever goes down on this trip.

Looking through Hipcamp definitely gives me an idea for my elderly future. Buy some cheap desolate land somewhere, arrange a series of wacky spaces to sleep, hang some dream catchers and throw some mason jars around, and voila! Hippie bullshit camping site for aging hipsters. It’ll be a cash cow. Assuming people are still into that sort of thing 20+ years from now (assuming there are still people 20+ years from now). 

Yesterday we had a delightful Malibu beach trip while for once someone else cleaned my house (hooray!). I’m happy that despite the ridiculous amount of screen time these kids currently enjoy, they are still capable of having fun outdoors and playing with sticks and sliding down dirt hills and playing in waves. 

The BF is currently having a bit of a meltdown about work. I’m worried for him - his industry is showing no sign of return, his boss has effed off to Iran without telling anyone, and his pandemic unemployment supplement ends in a month. He thought he’d be back to work by now. Boy, did we all have a different vision of this summer! I’m not sure what the future holds but I have been preparing for my life to get more difficult - right now he does the lion’s share of the childcare, which feels like an endless vacation, but that’s going to end. Either his work will pick back up or he’ll be forced to get another job, which will keep him away long hours and make him miserable. This strange life of having two adults with literally nothing else to do all day but care for children cannot last forever. Eventually at least he will have work to return to; me, it may take a year or two. Last night I sat down with my finances and tried to figure out what will happen if I can’t run an event in 2021, either, or (more likely) have to run one at a loss or barely break even...it’s scary. I have the money because of the SBA loan to make it, but 2022 has to be better. So many what ifs. Maybe I should think about building that hippie camping compound now. 

Some kind of normal

Negative test results, yay! Which meant we got to go camping which was awesome, despite discovering when we got there that everything that needed batteries was dead (blow up mattress inflators, lanterns) as was the second burner on my camping stove. Ah, camping. 

I don’t know why people love to camp. It’s pretty much torture. And yet when you’re done you want to do it again. It makes zero sense. 

My birthday trip - whatever it ends up being - is still in flux. Of course what I want is a cute vintage trailer rental and a trip up the coast; but nobody’s car is in good enough shape or has a trailer hitch, so we may try for an RV. Lots of details to hammer out and at the moment I’m just not up to it.

Still, it was nice having a quiet, device-free weekend with another family in which the kids got to play with other kids for the first time in months, I got to live out my pioneer fantasies, and the BF got to fish (unsuccessfully). I want to book up the whole summer with camping trips. This will (hopefully?) be the only summer of our lives where I have no event to plan for and the BF has no work, so I want to make the most of it. 

This week two “normal” things return to our lives. One - I have my first hair appointment since I think February. The other, and the one that will really make a difference in my day-to-day life, is welcoming back our house cleaner. I’ve positively loathed keeping up with the cleaning around here, especially with four people who never leave. She was more than happy to come back, and I feel like it’s worth the risk - we won’t be around when she’s here, and everything will be disinfected that we touch, so...? I figured it’s worth the minor risk. Taking a lot of new risks lately, with mixed results as you can see. I have mixed feelings about all of it. But I also know we can’t go on like it’s perpetually last April. Obviously lots of other people around the world feel similar...to their peril. California’s numbers are stubbornly terrible, and yet all of us have started to venture out. Let’s hope we don’t live to regret it. 

Canceled at last

Today my loan was recorded and the cash out funds appeared in my bank account. I took a picture of it as I’m sure I will never see this amount of money again! This brought about an avalanche of activity - updating my website with all the cancellation/virtual event information, emailing my list, creating an event for the virtual event, cancelling the actual event on my page and my event’s page. Oh, and issuing about a hundred refunds, with many more to come.

So far yesterday’s Facebook post about some cashew cheese I made has garnered more attention. I consider this a good thing.

But more importantly...I went and got a Covid test today. Why, you ask? Because one of the ladies who is a nurse who joined our socially-distanced brunch a week ago tested positive yesterday. Ugh. Now to be fair the only reason she came to the brunch was because she had gotten a negative test the day before. So either that was an inaccurate result, or she contracted the virus after we saw her (she says she started showing symptoms about five days later). At any rate it sent me into full panic mode and there were many hours wasted googling spots to get tested, waiting for a consult with my doctor (no dice - they couldn’t do shit for me with no symptoms), until finally I found a walk-in clinic today. It was a three hour ordeal and cost me $250 but I should have results in a couple of days. For the record I have no symptoms and neither does anyone else from the gathering...I would be shocked if it came back positive. I was full of anxiety the whole time - afraid of what the test would be like, feeling like a leper, worried about the family, worried about our proposed camping trip this weekend (which we may have to cancel if I don’t get results in time), feeling like an idiot and a jerk for attempting any kind of gathering right now, feeling guilty and stupid as hell. In the end they ran out of nasal swabs so gagged me with an oral swab instead and then I went merrily on my way to In N Out, a trip I have not made solo since March. 

I am still a ball of nerves. At least the money situation is sorted - my refi guy told me how lucky I was to have slipped in under the wire; I sent him some chocolate covered strawberries. He really busted his butt for me, and I am profoundly grateful. 

Now I can focus on my virtual event and making it the best it can be, and hope to god I get a negative result and can happily eff off to the wilderness for the weekend. And if it’s positive...well? It’s been almost ten days since my possible exposure and I’m not exhibiting anything other than my normal lethargy. If this is as bad as it gets for me and I can just be done with it, then great. My friend had some fever and body aches but is actually doing fine. I hope she has a speedy recovery. 

First day/last day

This morning I made waffles with whipped cream and strawberries, then Bobby had his last zoom meeting, and Theo had his first (and last), which he was stoked about. One of the little girls in Theo’s class cried when they were saying goodbye to the teacher. I cried, too. It’s officially the end of Theo being a “little guy”. 

Last day of kindergarten and 2nd grade - let’s see what happens next!!