Ultrasound results

So today I had an ultrasound because I had my positive surge on the OPK this morning.  The Ultrasound Lady had said on the phone that she didn’t think I needed an u/s because I had the positive test, and everything was fine last month (except for that BFN), but I insisted.  And guess what?  It’s a good thing I insisted, because I’m not ovulating.

She brought in the other lady (the one I did the initial consult with) for a second opinion. And they really didn’t know what to tell me except that the follicles were way too small, and yet they don’t think they missed it, either, since there was no evidence of rupture.  Remember, this is the ovary (the left) that I didn’t ovulate from in March (according to them).  The lining was good at 9 mm.   

So none of us know what to make of this.  They asked me to come back on Friday to do another ultrasound to see if they grow, but at this rate, they say, it would be at least Monday before they’d be the proper size, and that just doesn’t sound right, especially when I had the surge today and the CM last Saturday.

One theory they have for me is that I might be a crazy early ovulator.  This would make sense only in the idea of the CM appearance and various other non-specific signs; however, this wouldn’t make sense for when I get the LH surge and temperature dip; also if I did ovulate earlier than I think I am, this would mean a crazy long luteal phase, which doesn’t make sense. 

I think it’s far more likely that the left ovary just doesn’t ovulate.  Which is pretty annoying when you consider it gives all the hormonal signs of ovulating so there’s no way you’d know this if you didn’t get in there and look.  But it makes me question everything now – so, did I actually ovulate last month, either?  Remember, Ultrasound Lady never got a measurement on the right ovary last month; we rooted and rooted around for it, and she saw follicle activity, but never measured it, and so didn’t charge me for the u/s.  Today she insisted she got a measurement and did charge me, but I know for a fact she didn’t (I didn’t know if she was just covering up in front of her boss the fact that she didn’t charge me).  So it’s entirely, heartbreakingly possible that last month was a total waste of time – that we’re back to where I was in March, in that I’m not ovulating at all, from any ovary.

Now the good news is both ovaries look big (when they’re supposed to) and healthy; the lining is good, and we know my labs are good.  Consult Lady said in her years of experience there’s always those women who fall outside the norm – women who ovulate at crazy times, who can’t use OPKs because they give false positives, all sorts of situations.  But she did say I should really see an RE at this point because there are clearly problems, and they don’t want to wait cycle after cycle at my age (after all, if we’re just going to assume left ovary isn’t working, then I have to sit out every other cycle).  I am tempted to make an appt with an RE right now, but I guess I should see what happens Friday.  But I think I know what’s going to happen – they’ll see no movement on the follicles, or shrinkage.  In which case, May is officially out.

I’m heartbroken of course.  I want to cry.  Especially because I feel like the hope I had for last month was most likely a betrayal – it was all for nothing; all that money, all that waiting, was for nothing, because there was no way it was going to work.  Either the timing was drastically off or there was no egg or a poor quality egg.  I was sitting there picturing all this miraculous activity going on, when actually nothing was happening – the sperm were all dying off and that was it. 

I guess all I can do now is wait for Friday and see what happens.  There is a big part of me that still insists I ovulated on Monday and not Saturday last month, and that this month may follow the same pattern – positive OPK way too early, and then ovulation later than anyone thought.  Maybe I’ll just stick with this little fantasy for now and see what the ultrasound shows Friday.  If nothing good, then I’m in the hell of seeing an RE and possibly going down that dark road of costly & painful injections, all kinds of stuff that scares the crap out of me.  Ugh.  Not what I wanted to hear today!!!

God said, Ha!

Here are some comments from today's journal.  I strongly advise any Christian believers to not read this post.  You will be offended.

5/4/11  10:44 AM

Positive OPK today, which kind of surprised me considering how faint yesterday’s was.  But it is certainly more positive than last month’s.  It’s hard because we’re in a heat spell and I’ve been drinking gallons of water, which means all of the lines, including the test lines, are pretty faint, so it’s hard to read.  Still, I believe we’re ON for tomorrow.

Ultrasound Lady called and said we’d just do the insem tomorrow, but I said I want an ultrasound anyway.  She said she really didn’t see the point since I have the positive test, but I just want one for peace of mind, and I’m willing to waste $200.  I refuse to spend the next two weeks wondering if I bungled the timing like I did last time.  I want to know a) that everything is in place (lining, follicles the right size, etc – remember, last month she couldn’t see the ovary at all so couldn’t do any measurements, and the month before just showed we’d missed a potential ovulation, so I’ve never once seen myself “ready to go”), b) there isn’t some weird problem (remember the last time I thought I ovulated from this ovary they said I didn’t – want to make sure this ovary is working), and c) there isn’t some new thing I’m unaware of, like cysts, etc.  Anyway, to me it’s well worth it to know for sure this insem has a shot of taking, otherwise I know I’ll sit here worrying that this ovary doesn’t ovulate, that I screwed up the timing, all that stuff.  I think it’s in my best interest right now to make sure I make this whole process as emotionally stable for myself as possible.  And sitting around with doubts is not good for me.  So, if all looks good, we’re on for Cinco de Mayo!

I have been completely enthralled by this This American Life episode from the 90s called “Godless America” which has a piece by Julia Sweeney from her “God Said Ha!” show, in which she breaks down her journey from devout Catholic to non-believer, mainly because of an ill-fated Bible study class in which she discovers that the Bible is bullshit.  Then after that goes faith in God…then goes belief in an afterlife.  It’s amazing to me how these dominos are always the same for everyone who becomes an atheist: first it’s distrust in the organization of the religion, then it’s disbelief in the tenets of the religion, then belief in God, then belief in a purpose and reason for everything in life.  So finally we end up in the understanding that everything is totally random and pointless, which is a hard pill to swallow when you’ve spent most of your life believing in destiny and purpose.  I think that’s actually an advantage when you’re TTC though.  I know that the reason I’m not pregnant yet is pure biology – sperm simply hasn’t met egg.  It has nothing to do with being a parent being my destiny or not, or God wanting me to be a parent or not, or me being a sinner and not deserving it.  It’s just timing, much like meeting your mate.  So, for IUI #2 I am going to do everything I possibly can to make sure we for sure nailed the timing.  And then just sit and wait.

Still reveling in not having to take a crappy job.  Been formulating how to kindly decline the job via e-mail – but they may decline me first, so I will just wait.  Having happy visions of being at home with my baby and it doesn’t seem depressing or isolating to me.  I feel like I’ll really know that kid, the core of that kid, if I get to be with him/her all day and night.  I feel like my kid would be kind of a stranger if I only saw him/her a couple of hours a day and on weekends.  I also think I’ll enjoy the whole process; I’ll enjoy my time at home with a baby.  I mean, this is what it’s all about, right, parenting?  If I weren’t up for it then I shouldn’t be doing any of this.  And if I really do lose my mind I can then get a sitter and go out dancing or something.  But I really do look forward to the me-and-the-kid part.

Can I be bought?

So, I had the interview at The Lion today.  Very conflicted, although I have to say after doing a quick “paycheck calculator” online it made me sway more towards the “no” side.  Basically, the money just isn’t good enough.  Which I think is part of their problem – they said they do have people interviewing, but they are people who are used to making twice as much money, so they don’t think these people will take the job.  Ever since this came up last week I have been asking myself, can I be bought?  Right now I don’t know, but I think the proper answer is, “yes, but for the right price.”

We left it as yes, I’m open to the idea, so they will discuss amongst themselves, see what they can come up with for me as far as flex time (they are pretty cool about letting people make their own hours for the most part; although in the end it’s still a full time job, so you have to be in the office pretty much every day), and we’ll talk later.  I’d like to mull it around a bit more.  But right now I’m about 70-30 that I’ll just say thanks but no thanks.  After all, the part time work I did for them may always come back, and that’s what I really want.  Doing the math it looks like I could make about the same working on a contractor basis 20 hours a week as I would make full time at 40 hours a week. 

What this really comes down to is autonomy.  I have to say I really, really don’t want to be owned.  This is a major issue in my life; maybe only now I’m realizing how much of an issue.  I had to ask myself today, what do I value most, money or freedom?  I would say hands-down, freedom.  After all, I’m not destitute; I’m getting by, and just fine.  Sure, I worry about money, and fret over every little expense.  But it’s all manageable.  The debt, the fertility treatments, the insurance – it’s all under control. 

As I was driving over there today I had this sick feeling in my gut – I thought, “ugh, imagine doing this every day.”  I remember how I felt working there back in the 90s; I felt like my life was being pissed away.  There is just something about getting up every day, sitting in traffic, going in to an office, and drudging through a bunch of crap you don’t want to do for eight hours, then going home.  I used to have horrible panic attacks on Sunday nights, just dreading another week in the office.  And I think I need to really consider this – the actual work, the day to day work, is not anything I want to do.  Do I really want to spend 40 hours a week doing work I don’t want to do, when I don’t really have to?

Then of course there’s the as yet non-existent baby.  I know there are arguments for and against full time work when you’re a single parent with an infant.  Sure, there’s an advantage to putting the kid in daycare and continuing with your career, having that adult interaction and stimulation every day.  I see that.  But again, a large part of this whole process for me was the ability to be home with the kid(s) all day, to be with them at least during those early developmental years.  Even my mother with her general lack of maternal instincts said it was fascinating getting to stay home with us when we were little, watching us develop and reach milestones.  She said she wouldn’t have traded that time for anything.  And a big part of me thinks I’m as stable as I am because I had a fairly normal first couple of years with a full time parent. 

Is it just my pride and ego talking that I don’t want to “go back to work”?  Should I just suck it up and work because the benefits of that extra money, health insurance, and stimulation every day will be so worth it?  Is it ok to take on a full time job knowing I may be pregnant in a few months, even a few days?  It’s all a major toss-up.  But right now I’m thinking no, I need to stick to my guns, stick with my business as it is, and hold my head up that I’m self-employed and proud – maybe a little broke sometimes, but free as a bird.

Game changer

Literally minutes after publishing my last post, I receive an e-mail out of nowhere from my old job telling me one of their staff is leaving and the job is mine if I want it.  Quoi???

A little history – I worked for this company, which I’ll call The Lion, from 1993-1997, and then did part time consulting work for them from home from 2008-2010 until I was laid off last June.  This was my first “real” job in LA (or anywhere); looking at the dates and doing a little math, you can see I was barely 21 when I started working for them.  It was always a good company – nice people, pleasant environment, but the money wasn’t good enough so I left for a better opportunity in ’97; in 1999 I left that job to run my event full time, which is what I’ve done ever since.  So technically I haven’t been in the work force since the last century.  This job had called me to resume my part time consulting work when I was in India – but then when I returned told me it was off again due to new management.  And now this!  A friend pointed out last night that my history with this company is very much like a long, on again, off again romance.  I think that’s the best way to put it. 

My first reaction was that what I want is my part time work back, not a full time commitment – but I called my sister and she said I’d be crazy to not take a job offer in this economy, and she’s right.  The fact is, if this goes through the way I think it will, it will change everything.  And yes, it will change my baby plans, too.

How will it change my baby plans?  Well, my hope is it will make it more possible, because there will be more money, and hopefully kick ass benefits.  It will mean I won’t have to quit after just a couple more IUIs because I’m broke; it will mean if I decide to get aggressive now I can because I’ll be able to afford it.  The fact is, going as I’m going, there is a limit, and it is mostly defined by my self-employed, crappy HMO insurance limitations.  Sure, there are emotional limits, too, and I don’t want to discount those (I still give myself full, guilt-free permission to quit TTC if I discover it’s ruining my life).  However, money is freedom.  Money is options.  And this job will provide me both of those things, in a spectacular way.  If the salary is anything like I think it is, it will effectively double my current income.  I will be a two income household.

The one major downside is not being home.  One of the major reasons I thought it was a good idea to have a baby on my own is because I’m home all day.  The thought of having a baby and then having to put him/her in daycare all day makes me profoundly sad – it wasn’t what I wanted.  BUT women everywhere do this every day, especially single moms, especially single choice moms.  And I’m not convinced day care isn’t a good thing for kids, especially kids in my situation, who would otherwise only have me as a parent/playmate/influence.  We could get pretty isolated, just the two of us at home all day long.  I know when I was a kid I loved going to (whatever childcare I went to, whether it be at church, a friend’s, the YMCA, etc) because it meant getting to see my little friends and play with lots of fun toys (not to mention getting snacks like graham crackers with strawberry cake icing).  However, I do mourn this idea, the idea of being a totally independent stay at home mom. 

I am going to discuss the job Tuesday morning.  And I will for sure ask about flex time.  My understanding is the work force is way different now than it was in the 90s – in the last couple of years when I did go into that office I would find a lot of people absent, as in working from home or working odd hours to avoid traffic.  I will see how hard I can lobby for work at home time, or at least more than the standard two week vacation.  After all, I have no intention of discontinuing my business; I will need at least two weeks off for that every summer, plus the 8-10 trips across country on weekends I take with the band every year which usually involve leaving early Friday morning.  So, if they can work with this, I’m in.  If I have to be stuck there every day from 9 AM – 6 PM with no flexibility at all I may have to reconsider, and return to my current broke but free state.

Mostly I feel like this job might actually facilitate having a baby on my own.  I may find I get great benefits – or at least better than I currently have.  There may be child care, options to work from home during maternity leave, any number of things.  I will not tell them of my plans because after all there may be no baby, or not for a while.  But I will for sure look over that benefit package with a fine tooth comb.

For now I have allowed myself the fun of fantasizing.  Oh, all the things I could do with that money.  I could pay down my debt (which is considerable, from a real estate investment gone horribly wrong a couple of years ago), I could buy a new car (mine is on its last legs), I could pursue baby-ness any way I like, I could BREATHE.  My number one stressor is always fear about money.  The idea of taking this fear away is tremendous for me.

And you know what, it might just not hurt to get out and be among people every day.  I know I would obsess less and be less depressed.  I hate the idea of being owned; I hate the idea of being told what to do.  I take my autonomy very seriously, and am loath to give it up.  Also my event is in two months and the idea of starting a new full time job right now is a little stressful.  But I know I can do it – after all, I worked full time when I ran my first two events in 1998 and 1999 AND I was being sued during one of them.  But, as Bobbi Fleckman says in This is Spinal Tap, “money talks and bullshit walks.”  I need the money, and I need it bad.  Everything else is secondary, really. 

Went to Anthropolgie and bought a celebratory “office skirt”.  I figured that was less damaging than buying a cabin in Big Bear which is what I really wanted to do.

In other news, my ol’ friend CM showed up over the weekend, which means I will ovulate some time during the week and NOT on Mother’s Day as I had dreaded.  Most likely it’ll be Weds or Thurs; depending on the OPKs I may have to move that ultrasound appointment up.  Will start testing Tues.  Looking forward to this “try” at the moment.  Hopefully the job thing will have me so distracted I won’t be as obsessive as last time.