The Air That I Breathe

Our wedding is over. At 49, I am a married woman.

I would like to stress that this is not an accomplishment. If you want to be married, and are lucky enough to find someone who also wants to be married to you, then you will get married. If you don’t, you won’t. That’s pretty much it. Luck and willingness and, in my case, tenacity in not giving up trying to find someone, no matter how truly hideous that process was. But I always wanted a nice family - whether it was just me and a kid, or kids, or with a man around whether we were dating or married - and I have made those things happen. So I celebrate those things today.

How did it go? It was fabulous. Just fabulous. Everything went pretty much perfectly. The weather cooperated - mild temps and almost no wind - the terrain caused no problems (a miracle), nobody got hurt climbing boulders or lost driving home in the dark, everything went perfectly on time, it was perfect. The wedding that could have been magical or a total disaster ended up magical. Phew!

The only disaster was our RV, which I had rented from an individual, not a company, and therefore was in terrible broken down shape. When we went to pick it up, it wouldn’t start, and also a fuse was blown so we had to drive around looking for certain types of fuses. The refrigerator door was broken, so it barely closed, but to be honest it never worked anyway; two days later all our food spoiled. The owner said none of the gauges worked, and I’m pretty convinced she sent us out there with full waste tanks - the shower overflowed Friday night, the hot water stopped working, and then by our wedding day the generator quit, too. So no air conditioning, which meant the F and the boys had to find somewhere else to change, and all the florals and cake had to be kept in a friend’s functional RV. It was also not “fully stocked” as advertised - only one spatula as a utensil, the salt was empty, no pots larger than a small saucepan, no coffee maker, etc etc. The list goes on and on. But thankfully the RV being a total, non-functional wreck was the worst thing that happened to us. And we had friends around to help. So it all worked out. 

My dress, hair, and makeup were perfect. The F loved the dress, thank god. And he burst into tears when I sang him Evergreen at the end of the night. 

Here is the world’s most adorable picture of Theo (changed out of his suit) comforting his dad while he cried listening to me sing. 

The food was fabulous. The cupcakes were out of this world. People took the favors and centerpieces as I’d hoped. One couple had to cancel due to covid exposure and my step aunt’s flight was canceled, but everyone else made it. Despite his stressing out about it, his vows to me were amazing - very thoughtful and sweet and funny; ours actually matched a great deal. People didn’t really stay that late - just a small group until about midnight and then everyone took off, and we went to our boulder house to pretty much just collapse as I knew we would. 

But all night I just felt happy. I had a couple of choking up moments - seeing the boys in their suits, and seeing the arch with the flowers on it. I would have liked to have been more emotional, I suppose - but I was very present, and just enjoying everything. The next day as we were cleaning up we both broke down a little over how amazing it all was and how sad we were that it was over. 

Highlight for me was our first dance to Bowie’s “Heroes”, when everyone joined us on the floor, and we were surrounded by our friends and family all having a great time gathered around hugging and dancing to this unconventional song. Being the bride can honestly be kind of isolating and lonely at times. That’s when I really felt the love and community. 

My other favorite moment was when, the night before, I walked Bobby to the port-o-potty and warned him as he was inside that there was a giant bug on the ground the size of a Buick. His little voice rang out from inside, “what’s a Buick??” 

So the next day we painstakingly cleaned up the entire site, leaving no trace, and then returned the ramshackle RV and all the rentals and collapsed again. Now the kids are on their final week of school, while I focus on cleaning up and organizing and writing thank you cards, which is going to be a massive undertaking. Lots to be thankful for, for sure.