Saturday we went to the wedding site to give the final payment, and as usual it was a bit of a disorganized mess finding the guy in charge and figuring out what’s owed at this point - thankfully I have all his texts outlining costs, so I wrote him a check which he stuck into his overstuffed wallet, and that was that. I have very little confidence that anything will be done properly there - thankfully, all they have to do is provide the space, and since they seem to have no idea what goes on there, I don’t anticipate anyone breathing down our necks about anything, which is nice. Now is the time when we just hold our breaths and dive in and hope for the best.
Last night the wind kicked in - hard. We’ve experienced winds out there, but this was on a whole other level. A fire broke out at a house down the road and the F took off to see if he could help, so I made camping pizza in the cabin while the winds whipped around. By the time we got to bed - the fire was put out and nobody was hurt, thankfully - the cabin was being pummeled by relentless 50 mph winds. And all I could think was…is this place well built enough to withstand this? How much do we know about how this place was actually structured? What if it collapses, or tips over? We’d all die. We’d all die.
I started to get so panicked that I woke the F up and told him I was really worried that we were in danger. He assured me he’d lived through similar wind storms when he lived in Chatsworth, that it was totally normal but he gets how freaky it can be if you’re not used to it. Remember, we were upstairs, so the place was creaking and shaking, and the cheap window was bowing inwards…and with no drywall or insulation it was really loud. Every time a new gust hit, adrenaline shot through my body. Had it just been me and the kids I would have thrown them in the car and taken off for a hotel. I think I finally fell asleep by 4 AM just from sheer exhaustion.
I think a lot of my panic had to do with unprocessed feelings about the school shooting last week. Looking at my little fourth and second graders, it’s hideous to imagine this happening to them and an outrage that it happened to anyone. But I’m feeling it - the sadness, the rage, the helplessness. I don’t know what to do with all that.
However, we survived the night. The wind was still going much of the morning so we decided to head out. The F has to work tomorrow, and I could use a recovery day. I was reminded how we had the neighbor contractor apply hurricane straps to the roof and also bolt the whole building to the concrete slab. Had we not done those things, yes, there would be a chance of the roof blowing off, for sure. But even then, the dilapidated shacks around us withstood that storm. So I’m beginning to think that these places are hardier than we think. Still was terrifying, though. Now I can only hope the wind calms down by next Saturday - !
We’re in the final stretch now - I’m getting married in just six days. Nobody can catch covid or get in a car accident or get injured. The thing I’ve thought about pretty much non-stop since last July is about to be here. I’m starting to get nervous thinking about it. There are so many moving pieces and everything has to go just right, but at the same time, my experience with my event tells me that things will always go wrong and it’s never what you expect, and no amount of preparation is ever enough. And yet the whole thing is only four hours. It’ll be over in the blink of an eye. I hope it’s a good experience. I hope I don’t disassociate. I hope I don’t get overwhelmed. I hope I can be present. I hope we make some good memories and feel good about it after the fact. I hope I hope I hope.
No comments:
Post a Comment