Denied!

After a day of fasting (my fast day is Thursday), we all got up early today to hustle over to the clinic for vaccines. There was no parking - street sweeping day sucks - and it took a bit to get it all figured out, but as I had feared, the story had changed since Wednesday. Instead of picking up paperwork and then going home, to then return a few hours later for our shot, they had us wait in line for leftovers from people who didn’t show up for their appointments, who apparently were many. We were told to wait an hour. I was a bit freaked as I wasn’t prepared to get the vaccine right then - I was starving and horribly dehydrated, I hadn’t showered, and was full of anxiety, but also thankful to get it over with. But then after an hour they told us the fire department had taken all their leftover doses to another clinic. We were shit out of luck. I just can’t seem to catch a fucking break lately. Facebook has become a gauntlet of vaccine pictures. I kind of can’t stand it at the moment. 

I’m glad my tier opens in three weeks - but I am so dreading the mad rush to get an appointment. I think realistically it could be weeks before I actually get one - well into May. I absolutely hate that it’s on me alone to do the research and wake up at 4 AM to frantically refresh my browsers over and over like I’m trying to get tickets to a fucking Beatles reunion or some shit. A lifesaving vaccine should not be dependent on who is the most internet savvy. And yet here we are. 

I keep reminding myself that none of this matters. Yes, it leaves me exposed for another month or two, and yes, it leaves me exposed to these variants, which is scary. But other than kids returning to school, nothing is changing in my life in the next few months. I’m not going to miss out on anything. The friends I may or may not meet with I’ve been meeting with safely outdoors this whole time anyway; I’m not putting off cancer treatment or waiting to hug grandma or anything else. So does it matter when I get the shot? Not really. Is it better for me if everyone else has gotten it rather than not? Yes. So why do I care? I don’t. And yet I do. I feel left out, and like it’s my fault that I didn’t get the shot because I didn’t try hard enough to find a loophole to skip the line. Ugh. At least I have my integrity...right??

I finally wrote back to the violin teacher after letting her sweat for a couple of days. I told her I understood, that constant zooming has not been easy for B, and that she should keep the remaining class money. She graciously sent the money back and said what I wanted to hear which was she enjoyed working with B “despite the ups and downs”. She said she’d send recommendations. As of today, I’m kind of thinking we might just let violin go for now. Maybe I’ll wait until the rec center re-opens (should be any time now) and have B get back into his guitar lessons, which were a lot less demanding on his and my time and a lot less stressful for everyone involved. I do want him to keep up with music lessons but we’ve got to find something less fraught. Maybe we can just settle on that for a while. Today I sadly packed his violin and music away. It breaks my heart, it really does. But as I said I sensed something like this was going to happen eventually; since I wasn’t willing to pull the plug, she finally had to. Sigh. It’s always me hanging on too long to dysfunctional relationships. 

Kids are off school today so after our vaccine debacle I took us home for pancakes and then to a Malibu hike (couldn’t find the one we were looking for - that keeps happening to me), In n Out on the way home, and now a quiet Friday night at home. Got a message from school that Theo’s grade will start early on Tuesday the 20th and Bobby’s the following day. So much for starting the 19th. Does this mean it’s all mornings? We don’t know yet. 

I think the change of scenery this week will do me a world of good. I’ve been in such a terrible funk and I just can’t shake it. No amount of comfort food or comfort movies or comfort anything is helping. I just feel so beaten down by everything that has happened - the violin teacher firing us, my desert cabin dream possibly ending, still so much uncertainty about my event, and now missing our best shot at getting a vaccine. It’s all too much. I just want to put my head under the covers for a thousand years.