Generation C

Just like that, my refinance paperwork was submitted and we scheduled the appraiser and he just did his thing and left. Still not set in stone but my refinance guy says if all goes well we should be funded in two weeks. What a long odyssey this has been since I made that first phone call in March! Honestly even if I weren’t doing it for a year’s worth of money to live on, it’s worth doing - I’m lowering my interest rate by a full point, consolidating my old HELOC, and getting a fixed rate finally. This even with the extra money and my payments won’t go up at all. So yay for that. Someday I’ll be able to aggressively pay it down again. The kids will be grown up when it’s paid off rather than starting junior high, but oh well! 

I had a good chat with my new streamer guy who had some ideas for my virtual event, so I’m just going to go with him. I reached out to my instructors and a few have written back glad that I’m still trying to offer something. Also, I finally heard back from the hotel that they will not penalize me for cancelling, which is great news. 

In light of all this, I have decided that even though I can’t announce it publicly, I’m going to go ahead and contact my paid attendees to get the refunds going. This is going to be hard. So far I have been in a very privileged, protected state - almost no one has asked for their money back, and almost no one has asked any questions. Now I’m going to have to contend with 500 people all at once and I’m sure at least some of them will have some opinions about what I’m doing, and some of them may not be nice. It’s not going to be a pleasant few weeks as I unravel all of this, watch my bank account get depleted, and deal with the emotional fallout that’s been on hold for nearly three months. I need to just put my Professional Event Organizer Hat on and try not to let it get to me. No more hiding from it; it’s time to face this thing head-on.

But at least at the end of it, I’ll know two things: how much money I’ll actually have, and how many online competitors I’ll have. So for informational purposes this is all very necessary. Other event organizers have said their patrons have been very generous. The good thing is my event is big enough and established enough that it’s very beloved; the bad thing is because it’s so big people may not recognize that we still need help. We’ll see. Last week I wrote out my cancellation notice in preparation and made sure everyone knew how financially devastating this is for my family; hopefully people get it. 

Teachers have been posting a statement from LAUSD that seemed to say there will be no school at all in the fall - that due to the overwhelming restrictions and budget cuts, opening schools is simply impossible. Parents are pissed. As people slowly start to go back to work, I don’t know wtf is going to happen with these kids. Again, extremely grateful that I can just stay with them all day even if I don’t want to. At least I have that option. Although I freely admit, now that we finally have a system down, I am absolutely terrified of starting all over again in 1st and 3rd grade with new teachers and new systems...ugh. I wish we could just keep everything like it is now. Boy are these kids getting robbed of a normal childhood right now. Generation C, indeed. 

Two more weeks of school

School is winding down. Bobby’s assignments are slightly less now - and as of next week, only math and his final school project, a diorama on fire ants. I’m so looking forward to a break from school work, as are we all. The BF taking over Theo’s work has been amazing - honestly, if it were still just me we wouldn’t be doing hardly any of it other than reading together and practicing his rainbow words. 

On everyone’s minds is what happens in August. Teachers are scared to return to unsafe conditions, and I don’t blame them. Personally I don’t think there should be any in-person school in the fall if we haven’t seen a significant, consistent decline in infections - but it’s easy to say that because I’m a stay at home mom. Having kids at home doesn’t affect my ability to work, unlike most parents who are really struggling. It’s an impossible situation, like everything stemming from this virus. Everything is impossible. 

Even if there is some part-time school, I see our fall looking very different than I had imagined. In addition to having zero band gigs, no travel, and no event to plan for, I don’t have any need for an afterschool program even if there are any. So I picture for the first time ever, walking up to the school and picking them up. I might even try having them leave on their own and meet me part of the way (I still want the kids to be able to walk home alone at some point). I expect our evenings to be a lot more relaxed - which isn’t a bad thing. I picture the same level of relentless togetherness with *maybe* brief stints of school time to break things up. We’ll find out soon. 

Much to my chagrin, my regular camera guy who I was relying on to run my live stream virtual event surprised me by saying he had signed an “exclusive agreement” with another event that he “wouldn’t participate in another competition event live stream”. Um...what?? Why he would agree to something like that, I have no idea, and why another event - and I know who it is, being as there’s only one other competition event in our world - would try to intentionally screw me right now, is infuriating. Just a series of bad decisions on their part that was already guaranteeing their downfall. I don’t predict them surviving this no matter how fabulous their live stream is. Harrumph.

So I panicked briefly but then reached out to a million other people. I think I’m going to go with a guy who’s been a part of my event for decades and has a lot of experience running his own live streams. He can’t do some of the high end production stuff like the other guy, but I believe I can fill in the gaps. I’d rather have someone who’s passionate about the project than a stranger who doesn’t really understand what we’re doing. So hopefully that’ll work out. 

My refi guy asked for another mountain of paperwork last night, including proof I’ve paid my April and May mortgages on time (thank god I did) and received my tax return, etc etc. We won’t hear anything this week. Sigh. 

I’m still trying to figure out the right time to announce closure. I can reach out to my customers before I put anything on the website; I might do that sooner since for refi purposes I still have to appear “open”. I also want to be able to announce my virtual event soon or at the same time, and I need artwork for that. I also still don’t know my situation with the hotel. It’s a lot of puzzle pieces to fit together. But I’ll admit it feels good to be working on a project. I feel less like I’m letting the community down, and I’m already bolstered by the enthusiasm of the teams I reached out to who said they still want to be in the competition. I’m hoping this spreads out to the other contests as well. 

Doubts

Friday the SBA wired me the loan money. My bank account is the fattest I’ll see it - we’ll, probably ever. After all these weeks of fear and struggle, you’d think I’d be over the moon. And yet. 

Apparently the loan guidelines are a lot more stringent than I’d originally thought. Every penny has to be spent on the running of your business - payroll, equipment, documentable receipt-backed expenses, that you have to have on hand at any moment *if* the SBA decides to audit you. If you can’t come up with receipts they demand immediate repayment of 250% of your loan. Also, you’re not allowed to use the loan to make up for losses to your business. So...what about those of us who are ordered shut for years - we’re not going to have any expenses and need something to live on. How...what???

I accepted the loan despite these conditions, but I’m definitely having second thoughts. I’m going to try my best to not use it at all and just repay it when my payments are supposed to start in a year. But that ability depends on a few things - one, that not everyone will demand a refund, and two, that I’ll be able to run an event next year and get a good crowd. None of those things are guaranteed at the moment. I have people online saying the swing dance world will “never” recover from this, also that it’ll be “years”, also that big events like mine will “never” be viable business models again. Opinions like that fill me with utter despair. Personally, I think they’re full of shit - you’re going to tell me that rock concerts, sports, movies, festivals, fairs, amusement parks are “never” going to come back? Give me a break. 

I doubt the SBA is going to have the wherewithal to audit all of us small fry businesses; they said nothing about scheduled audits or accountability. I think it was just a strongly worded threat to keep people from buying cars and boats. When I got an SBA disaster loan during my Katrina adventure nobody ever checked up on me. And I will have some expenses this year - I’m out $5000 in deposits, will probably spend $10,000-$20,000 on my virtual event, and could spend up to $100,000 on refunds (although it sounded like refunds don’t count as money spent on your business). And next year there will be expenses, but not until September. 

I don’t know. The whole thing makes me nervous. 

In the meantime still waiting on my home loan. I should know by mid-week if the final approval has come in; then the appraisal, then we’re done. My loan guy says two weeks. Which makes it about three months since I started this process. Sigh. At least the $60,000 I get there will be my living money until next summer. By then I’ll know if I’m going to have a successful camp or not and can make other arrangements.

I mean, really - if a whole year from now we still have no Disneyland, no concerts, no sporting events...we as a society are going to be in deep, deep trouble. 

I watched some live swing dance fundraisers this weekend and got some good ideas for my virtual event. I’m going to talk to my camera guy this week. I think I can do it; I hope it doesn’t cost a fortune and that people actually show up. One other thing - if next year can’t happen, I can do this again, and keep doing it until I have a live event again. It’s not much, but it’s something. 

Going on a socially-distanced hike with a friend of mine later. It will be the first time I’ve seen her since her drive-by birthday a few weeks ago and our neighborhood hike a month before that. This is my social life now. Memorial Day weekend. I would have been in Amsterdam right now.

And then there was light

Out of absolutely nowhere, the SBA offered me a substantial loan. It was the follow up to my Economic Injury loan advance from weeks ago. I was so shocked by it that I called the SBA to make sure it wasn’t a spam offer just phishing for my personal info. It wasn’t. I accepted the terms; it’s a done deal once I sign the papers. I don’t have to start paying it for a year. It will allow me to refund everyone and live for two years. It’s a miracle. 

Now I’m doing a dance with my refi guy since I obviously don’t need all that cash out anymore. Unfortunately lowering my cash out or eliminating it entirely doesn’t help anything as far as appraisals or interest rate. But now I kind of don’t care if the refi works out or not. I hope it does because it will still lower my bills - but it’s not the end of the world and doesn’t have to happen right this second. Takes the pressure off. I’m waiting one more day until my refi comes back from the underwriter and then we’ll go from there. 

Today while on my walk I had a sudden burst of inspiration on how I can run an entire virtual event - including dance contests - during Labor Day weekend. I can have teachers submit their classes via video and run those during normal class times; I can have people send in videos of themselves dancing for our contests; I can have our DJs do their sets for the night dances. I’m not sure how - or if - musicians can be integrated, but I’m putting out feelers. This way I can still pay teachers, judges, MCs and DJs, and I think (I hope?) many more customers will not ask for refunds if I offer them a full weekend of content. It’s possible I won’t even lose money if I do this, and people can still have the fun of being in a contest and winning prizes. If I can just up my editing game I can do a lot of it myself. A lot depends on my current customer base - do they have safe access to a dance partner? Do they feel up to being in a long-distance contest? I think many won’t, but I only need about 1/4 to participate. I honestly think I can get that. I’m just so excited at the prospect of not having to abandon my community completely - I’ve already talked to my head judge, head DJ and tabulator and they’re into it. Now I just have to contact my customers and see how they feel about it. 

Although there’s still that odd chance I’ll be able to run my event IRL, I kind of prefer this. It keeps everyone 100% safe, allows me to still pay people, and possibly not completely lose my shirt. Also gives everyone something to look forward to, because boy do we need that right now. To try to still run the event with consumer confidence so low and everyone broke...I see losing money or barely breaking even, not to mention risking everyone’s health. I’d much rather do this! 

So first I need to sort out this loan stuff this week, and, bolstered by the SBA money, I can start making announcements. Then I can contact my 500 existing customers to see how many of them would still be interested in competing. I believe I’ll be the first person to run a large international dance competition online. Should be very interesting and groundbreaking. 

In other news, after this week there’s only three weeks left of schooling. The BF has taken a huge load off of me by handling all of Theo’s work, which is the toughest since he’s six and can’t sit still and his assignments are more convoluted than Bobby’s. He also makes them lunch & dinner every day, takes them out daily for bike riding or sports, and usually does bedtime routines, too. On Mother’s Day he said a very sincere thank you to me and said now that he’s lived my life for a few weeks he sees how hard it is (I think a lot of men are having this revelation right now). We had a discussion about his eventual return to work - once bars and restaurants open, valet parking starts up and will need him to print tickets again - and I said, as gently as I could, that I’m none too keen on returning to the days of his working until 2 AM every night and going in to work at least part of every weekend and holiday. He said he didn’t want to return to that schedule, either. Will he stick to this? Only time will tell. But I think his seeing in real terms what it’s like to be constantly caring for children and house (plus your own work!) has changed his sense of obligation to this family for the better. Fingers crossed on that one. He got his unemployment finally on Monday and paid me three months’ back rent and bills. Huzzah. 

Chairman of the bored

Because things were going too well (j/k) I guess it was time for another Woke Olympics in my FB feminist group. Accusations thrown, heels dug in, flurries of texts and private messages, personal attacks and accusations, you know - the whole cocktail of post-Trump social media FUN. I’ve been an agitated, angry mess for two days. All over one bitch I don’t even care about. #thankscorona

I’m starting to get bored and restless. It’s just the same shit every day. What are we going to eat? What needs to be cleaned? How do we get those kids off those gamer videos? Isn’t it bed time yet? Taking out overflowing garbage. Searching the mail for unemployment checks. Endless anxiety scrolling. When to wash hair. Laundry. Keep Theo from annoying the cat so she doesn’t snap and kill him. Check bank account. Check email for refund requests or loan updates. Make a bitmoji. Try to say something original and clever about Coronavirus online (impossible). Wonder what the weird new neighbors are up to. Where has the BF escaped to? Oh, he’s smoking. Again. More laundry. Now it’s time for Bobby’s violin lesson; I hope he doesn’t completely space out and piss off the teacher...again. Did the boys brush teeth? Did Bobby poop? Did Theo wipe his butt and flush? Are we running out of air spray because this house is pretty much a poop factory at this point? Did anybody clean the cat box? We need to use up these leftovers. There’s no room for any more food...oh look, more food. I’m just going to eat this homemade hot fudge sauce with a spoon because I just need to, all right? No, I don’t want to participate in your online project. Maybe I’ll sweep the porch. It’s chilly. It’s hot. Everyone is doing interesting creative things and I’m watching trash tv. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to get into bed. Time to wash the sheets...again. When can we have our cleaning lady back safely? Time to wash the towels. This floor is covered in cat hair - someone really needs to mop it. These toilets look like they’re props from Trainspotting - someone should really clean these. This bathroom smells like a NY subway on a warm August day - someone needs to make sure these kids pee in the toilet. What should we watch tonight? Let’s watch Bill Maher. Well, that interview was pointless. Load the dishwasher. Unload the dishwasher. Add rinse aid. I could have sworn I just added rinse aid. Time for laundry again. Did Bobby poop? Who left us a surprise in the toilet? Where’s dad? Oh, he’s “outside” (smoking). Where are all the goddam chargers? I just had one. Guess what other celebrity died? Coronavirus? Doesn’t say. Weird, I thought he was dead already. I just cleaned this toilet, how is it covered in diarrhea splashes again already. All the knives are dull. We need to get a sharpener. The toaster oven is barely working - now it’s smoking because you put your fried chicken on the bare grate and all the grease dripped on to the heating element. Time to dust everything again even though I just did this days ago - it’s amazing how much dust four people who never leave the house create. Leave the cat alone, Theo. We really need to trim your nails. Stop picking your nose and eating it. What are we having for dinner? Well, I don’t want that. We don’t have any clean plates. What did that idiot tweet now? Do you think he’ll win again? How could he? I don’t know but we didn’t think he’d win in 2016 either. I’m sure there’ll be a vaccine. I’m sure there’ll be contact tracing. I’m sure we’ll be back on track. They can’t just shut everything forever. They can’t do that - can they?? How will we survive?? What if we lose everything?? What if my business never recovers??

...time to load the dishwasher 

Sabotage

A horrible moment yesterday when I realized I may just have screwed myself out of my chance to refinance. When I put on my website this week that we had closed registration and we’re beginning the process of canceling the event...little did I know that my mortgage broker just the next day would send the lending bank my website to show what a great, established business person I am. And they saw my cancellation notice, and now they are getting cold feet about lending to me.

Why did I put up that notice? Why?? I’ll never know the reason for this. But it may be one of the worst mistakes of my life.

My broker said I just need to send more documentation to show I’m solvent - more tax forms, more bank statements - and I had to painstakingly write a letter pleading my case, and beg my accountant to also write a letter on my behalf. Oh, and guess what? Just as I suspected, the door is closing fast on cash-out refinances. In fact it’s pretty much closed, so if they decline me, I may very well be out of luck. 

It’s a nightmare.

So, if they decline me, I won’t stop there - I have other brokers to try, and I can still try just a regular refinance and try for a HELOC later (although those are drying up, too). This is exactly what I was afraid of - that I would be sitting on a half million in equity and not be able to access a penny of it. It seems criminal that they’re even allowed to do this to people. 

I spent the evening frantically searching for and downloading documents and writing and re-writing letters; also, making an alternative plan for how to survive a year with no money. I have a small (very small) retirement fund I can (and should, really) liquidate; I have $6000 in cash, I have a $17,500 business line of credit. The BF will be able to pay his share soon enough either with unemployment or some kind of work; I might be able to borrow from my life insurance policy. It might not be a bad thing to not get this refinance - if I keep everything as it is now, my mortgage stays low and I don’t screw over my future. Perspective. 

But still...yeah. Pretty annoyed with myself right now. I think I just got fed up with pretending to be hopeful despite all the evidence to the contrary saying partner dancing is completely screwed for years. I felt like an idiot. And I just wanted to be truthful. Well, we see where that got me. A whole lotta nothing. 

Now, we wait. And wait. And wait. 

The shut down begins

Yesterday I decided to shut down registration on my event. With everything getting worse and not better as we had all hoped, it feels disingenuous to continue to take people’s money. I also changed my web site messaging from “we’re still hoping we’ll get the all-clear for September” to “we have begun the process of closing”. I have not posted on my FB page because I don’t want to inspire a wave of refund requests. I still need to confirm that the hotel won’t penalize me - we’re going to chat tomorrow - and, of course, the big unknown, which is my refinance, status still up in the air. I talked to my guy today and apparently though I’ve been approved, I’ve been approved conditionally - the lender wants more paperwork, more answers. I’m terrified they’ll be able to tease out the fact that I am currently unable to make a living, and won’t again for some time. What if I just get denied everywhere because I have no income? What a nightmare! My loan guy assured me we’d get it through no matter what. But right now the fear of having that final and only safety net taken from me is truly scary. 

It also dawned on me today that once my car lease is up in November, depending on what’s happening in the world and our family, I may just not get another car for a while. What’s the point? I could save $500 a month on payments and insurance, and with another car in the family and nowhere to go, why bother? If the kids are even in school, either the BF can take them in the morning or I can in his car; for the afternoons I can just walk up to the school and walk them home (the way is too steep and long to walk them in the morning). Clearly we’ll no longer be utilizing an afterschool program; our only activities are violin lessons which will continue to be done online for...well, pretty much ever. So...what the hell do I need a car for? I can use uber/Lyft for emergencies or if I ever have the kids and J away and can actually go somewhere on my own. I can at least not have one for a few months after November until I know what my deal is for next year’s event. That will save a few thousand $$s which is nothing to sneeze at. 

Honestly, with cases and deaths still mounting here in CA at this late date, people breaking quarantine rules and everything opening up too soon - I think we’re in this for the long haul, and I think this fall and winter are going to be rough. I do not anticipate these kids returning to a classroom any time before 2021. I wish I could just turn the damned car over now. 

Shame, guilt & fear

I had an emotional morning. Last night I asked my covid-19 swing dance event organizers FB group the question if they’ve canceled their event, what ratio of refund requests vs pass transfers to next year did they get? I’m trying to get a sense of how much money I’ll lose now vs later. Some organizers said they didn’t offer pass transfers because they didn’t want to cut the legs off of future events. This is my big concern at the moment - assuming I get refinance money and can refund everyone who wants one and have money to live on, that so many people will think they’re being helpful in transferring to next year, that I’ll go through all the expense and effort of organizing a comeback event (next year? 2022?) only to take a huge loss since nearly everyone will be there for free. At least this year I take a loss but I also have no expenses nor effort. I just want my future to be a clean slate, you know? I’d rather take the financial hit now. 

Someone I trust who runs a dance studio up north private messaged me this morning about all these issues and we had a long chat. He is of the opinion I should set up a GoFundMe to raise funds and not worry about trying to partially pay staff (one thing I’d really like to be able to do), that I should just look out for myself and make sure that I, and the event, survive. Don’t be a martyr, he said. And it really got me thinking about how I always fall on my own sword to my detriment, how I am afraid to ask for help because I don’t want to be judged or held accountable for how I spend money going forward, I don’t want to look like a failure, I don’t want to look like I can’t handle my own shit. I don’t want to be an object of pity...and I also don’t want to be judged and shamed. I’ve seen lots of really negative reactions to people’s GoFundMe campaigns...everyone’s super judgy and suspicious. Where are those funds going? Are they really doing what they say they’re doing with my money? Why did they just buy that new thing? Gee, they really don’t look like they’re struggling...etc etc. Now I know I’m a beloved figure and it’s doubtful I’d attract that level of negativity...and even if I did, who cares...but. I’m afraid of being shamed for admitting I need help. And this, despite my best efforts, comes entirely from a mother who raised me to be afraid to admit weakness, and makes me think about her on this Mother’s Day weekend as I swore I wouldn’t. In our house, because of her own family history and largely our religion, admitting you were sad, sick, hurt, depressed, needing something, means you did something bad to deserve whatever situation you’re in, whether it’s a cold or a problem with friends at school or a stubbed toe. Somehow you brought it on yourself, so you need to get yourself out of it. Any issue in my childhood was met with zero empathy, indeed, zero admission that even anything was actually wrong, and being handed a bible and being sent away to “handle it” by myself. This, to a seven- or eight- or twelve- or whatever-year-old girl. Pretty messed up, huh? The fact that this still haunts me, and hurts me, after all this time, greatly saddens me. 

What I should do is unapologetically set up a GoFundMe and grab every penny I can get to minimize the damage of putting so much additional money onto my house. What I would rather do is offer refunds to everyone that wants one, with no fees, and just quietly slink away with my now giant mortgage and handle my own shit without help. But this option only hurts me. Saves my pride, but mortgages my future, literally. I just don’t know. It’s so much to think about. 

One thing is, everyone sympathizes! I’m sure even my non-empathetic mother would share a kind word or two about this; this is so big and so devastating even she’d get it. She did have her moments of clarity, especially when it came to black-and-white things like business and career issues. I have no doubt there would be a great outpouring from the community if I asked. I just don’t want to ask.

I’m texting a friend who says I should wait until I see what my actual loss ends up being once I announce cancellation. Right now I’m only speculating what people are going to do. I have no idea, and I also don’t know if my refinance is in the bag or not. Both of those things will help me decide whether I need to suck it up and ask for charity or not. Sigh. 

School plans

LAUSD announced today they will be keeping to the normal school schedule, whether school actually opens or not. Personally, I’m relieved. We’ve had enough disruption. Sticking with Aug 18th as start of “school”, whatever that looks like, will at least bring some normalcy. So we can have a “normal” summer and then start with more home schooling, or part-time home schooling, by then.

It looks like the infections/deaths numbers are so terrible, yet Newsome said we’re entering phase 2 of re-opening this week. Is it too soon? Probably. But as one who’s lost all income from this, living with someone who’s also lost all income and unlike me has gotten zero government support, I understand the need to start at least trying to get people back to work. We can’t all stay in our homes forever. The sad thing is it means more sickness and death. Would I wish that on anyone? Of course not. How the hell do you balance this stuff? I don’t know, and nobody else does, either. We don’t know if testing is accurate, we don’t know if people can be reinfected, we don’t know what’ll happen in hot weather or cold weather, we don’t know if this thing will mutate, we don’t know, we don’t know, we don’t know. 

The big event similar to mine over New Year’s has announced that although they’re not canceling, they’re not doing anymore planning, either. I’d like to make a similar announcement - I really want to tell the public I won’t make any decisions until July - but I’m afraid of even making an appearance online because it’ll no doubt spur a wave of refund requests, which is just too scary right now. I don’t know. It’s not like I don’t have the money. But not knowing what’s going to happen with my refinance...that’s the scary part. I don’t want to give away every penny I have in the bank and then find out I can’t get any money out of my house. That would be a disaster of epic proportions. So maybe I can wait at least a couple of weeks until I know better what’s happening with my refinance. 

Yesterday all four of us did a drive by birthday for a friend of mine and sang to her from behind masks on the other side of a garden gate. I told the BF when my birthday rolls around in two months I do not want anything like that. I find all this stuff - the cheerful adaptation to our ridiculous circumstances, the humor, the making the best of it - profoundly depressing. In fact I was in a serious funk afterwards. Even the act of putting on a mask I find very upsetting and triggering; I wince at people’s masked selfies on FB. Maybe I’m just not used to it; but I also don’t want to get used to it. This is all ridiculous and obscene. Do you hear me, uncaring void? THIS IS ALL RIDICULOUS. 

So yeah. No depressing masked social-distanced birthday parties for me, thanks.

I’m still selfishly hoping we’ll be able to take our planned birthday trip to Hawaii end of July. It’s two and a half months away, so maybe it’ll be possible...? I’m so afraid of being wrong and disappointed yet again. I’ve been wrong about everything this whole time because I just didn’t want to believe how horrible this would all be. And yet it just gets worse and worse. 

Oh and now we have Murder hornets. Ain’t life grand??

Here comes the cavalry

Much to my shock, I got an email from my bank last night that my Payroll Protection SBA loan was approved, and the funds appeared in my bank account today. I take back everything I said about government help being all lies. Except for the fact that for most people it is. I have friends who can’t get this loan because their former employees are making more on unemployment and don’t want to come back to work, and a function of this loan is you have to prove you spent it on payroll or you have to pay it back. Which is a snap for me. But yeah. This loan is not useful for most small businesses. It’s only supposed to cover two and a half months of payroll. I wonder if they’ll continue it? 

Today I did the first move towards closing my event - I contacted my business partner in the registration system to see if he could just create next year’s event now with all of this year’s data so I can delete people from there as they ask for refunds, since I imagine most people will want their registration forwarded. He has an event in January - I asked if he had any thoughts about it; he said if they can’t go live they’re going to do “an ambitious online project”. I thought of trying something like that...but I’m not a tech person, and that sounds like a huge amount of work. Honestly I don’t even know how you translate a live event with big bands and dance contests to something where everyone’s alone in their houses. Maybe some people have more vision than I do. It all just sounds depressing to me. 

Now that May has hit and our infection/death rates don’t seem to be falling, I feel more and more that there’s no way to run this event. I sense a flood of refund requests heading my way this month. I just hope my refinance money arrives in time to keep up. 

Six weeks of school left. We’re down to the final oral presentation for Theo and final google slides project for Bobby. Today I got some workbook for Theo in the mail...one will come for Bobby, too. I’m not sure what it’s all about but I think it has to do with making sure we’re preparing our kids for the next grade. I hope they have low expectations. I also hope we’re not expected to continue “distance learning” through the summer as has been hinted at. We all need a break - the kids, the parents, and the teachers. So many ideas are being thrown around - starting the school year in July but at home, or part-time at school; starting at the normal time but part-time; starting later in the year but part-time. Again, very grateful I don’t have to juggle a job with all this. No matter what happens, I’m here for it. I’m annoyed by it, but I’m here for it. 

Looking back on the last six weeks today, I’m shocked by how naive I was. In mid-March I thought the kids would be back at school in two weeks, I thought there was no way my event was in jeopardy, I thought by the summer it would be gone. Now people are talking about this dragging on for years, and I have to say, I don’t see a way around it. I’m preparing financially to not have an event this year or in 2021. If large partner dancing events are the least essential and most dangerous thing you can do, then our industry will be the absolute last one to recover, along with large music festivals and other close-contact type events (but ours are really the worst with everyone literally touching hundreds of strangers a night). Many dancers are saying they’re not going dancing until there’s a vaccine. But I wonder even if there’s a vaccine, will it be safe if it’s being so rushed through? Will everyone even get it? If so how long will it be before the general public has access? I don’t know if all of that will happen before September of 2021 - or certainly not by next spring which is when I’d have to start planning and opening up for registration. I just don’t know. 

And there’s still a chance this thing will completely disappear in the next couple of months, or there will be some good treatments. But I’m running out of time now. Just two months before I have to make a decision. I don’t see anything good happening. With so many states opening up now and even Californians getting antsy and rebelling, I see a big spike coming our way in a few weeks. At least I guess that will make my way more clear than it is now. 

In other news, Bobby lost a tooth for the first time in ages today. Theo has not lost one yet. It’s funny to think of baby-faced Theo with big adult teeth in his mouth. I set an alarm so I wouldn’t forget to play tooth fairy, and shortly after midnight tiptoed to my long untouched purse, found I had no dollar bills because I haven’t bought anything since early March, and scrounged together some quarters instead.